Enny

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Everything posted by Enny

  1. Enny

    Chat Thread

    Idk if it's sleep apnea tbh. Or if it is, it's weird that it doesn't affect me at all if I go to sleep after a certain hour in the morning. I slept 14 hours today because I went to bed early in the morning lmao. Wearing one of those masks sounds fucking awful too, but yeah, besides the point. I've always wondered if moving somewhere else would help with it. Like, maybe my body is just super used to being a fuck where I currently am, but could be taught not to be if I were to start sleeping in a different bed, in a different environment. Might manage to move somewhere else with one of my buddies one of these days, but it won't happen on my dime alone so I'll see how it goes in the future.
  2. Enny

    Chat Thread

    Ehhh. I mean rationally, maybe. But like, it just takes too long to save up that kinda money. It’s like, put myself out of pretty much everything that gives me minor joy in life for half a year or more just to afford something that might not help me. I haven’t slept anywhere that wasn’t my own bed in pretty much my whole life. When I went down to Dallas a few years back for a convention, I caught about 7 hours sleeping on the floor over the entire weekend, and that was after being up for something like 36 hours before the end of the first night, shit sucked. I just don’t ever feel comfy. I sincerely don’t think I could manage falling asleep while being monitored. And if I did, I run the risk of sleeping just fucking fine, which does manage to vaguely happen once every couple months. But yeah, like, the last year’s savings have been going to Babscon this upcoming April, where I’m gonna spend the weekend with my two absolute best friends, one of whom is flying down from West Virginia and doesn’t even care about horsefuckery, the other who I’ve known for the last eight years and never actually met in person. We’re ending the weekend with a Carly Rae Jepsen concert, which is gonna be hype. Priorities sound fucked on this, but that’s way way way more important to me than seeing anybody about the sleep. I’m used to it, I manage to get more than a few hours every few nights, it’s whatever. Like, honestly speaking, I really, really don’t plan on living until I’m fuckin’ eighty or anything my guy, so what’s some more bad sleep until then? What’s it gonna do, kill me? It’s not even like, ugh I hate living I wanna die, it’s just that there’s nothing going on. Even if I got my sleep figured out, this is absolutely gonna be my life. I was dumb as actual fuck long before the major sleep problems arose a few years back, not even ADD meds help with my lack of focus and ability to grasp basic learning, so what, keep washing dishes until I’m sixty? Move onto some other minimum wage or labor job I find equally unfulfilling until I’m dead? Bunch of lame. Idk, shit’s wack. I don’t wanna do anything anymore. When I was a young teen, I felt like I had a clear vision of some of the things I wanted to do, and I just really don’t anymore, no passions or aspirations. Yeah, this is just me having a pity party now, ugh. What else did you even say in this post lmao, gimme a second Right, regular sleep specialist person. Uhh, yeah, maybe. I’ll look into it and see what’s what. I would think I would have already been referred to one given that the two physicians I’ve seen so far were made aware that sleep is my biggest issue, but maybe they just don’t know anybody. I’ll ask at my next appointment.
  3. Enny

    Chat Thread

    Yeah, I mean, I mentioned meds, and sleep meds were a part of that. I managed to get around to seeing a therapist halfway through last year, which I stopped seeing a couple weeks ago because the entire process is just more inconvenient and stressful than not bothering, and someone at the facility helped me get approved for whatever my state’s free insurance is, idk. It’s pretty mediocre but it pays for a couple things. I’ve been through a few meds since mid-november-ish, ranging from anxiety/depression to sleep meds, and yeah, no positive results from those. A few negative ones, which is my luck. Insurance straight up won’t approve most sleep meds, so the ones they’ve been having me try have pretty much just made me feel tired, which doesn’t help with the issue of waking up after an hour or two and being unable to fall back asleep. Huge bummer. Googling about sleep studies shows the average price is anywhere from $600 to 5k a night, usually averaging 1-2k. Exactly 0% chance my insurance covers that even on the low end, and I am not saving up multiple months of pay to pay something like that out of pocket when there’s every chance it won’t even help, or it’d take more than one night. Asking for money is also not something I’m comfortable with, and even if it were, I unironically don’t know a single person with money. Nobody in my family has money, everybody up through my remaining grandparents are broke and either don’t work, or work near minimum wage, and my friends are in the same way. No reason to bug them with it. I will reply to the rest of what you wrote uhhh tomorrow probably. I’m off then. I caught an hour and a half of z’s sometime after work last night and my landlord has been doing construction on the deck all morning, which is when I’m usually going to sleep lmao. If I pass out now work is gonna suck even harder, so w/e. I usually crash 12 or whatever hours on the off days, when I don’t have to wake up until 7 or 8 in the evening, so I’ll be gucci by then 😎
  4. Enny

    Chat Thread

    It's been a really long time since I've played anything tabletop, I'd definitely like to get into it again. Then again, our last big campaign kinda puttered out because we've all just got a lot going on, my friends and I, so there's not much for it. And I'm not willing to play with people I don't know, so it's whatever. I don't have a super coherent brain for these kinds of things anymore, anyway. What exactly goes into designing your own system, Breloomancer? Motivational issues have been a pretty consistent plague in my life for a long time as well, Lumi, yeah. With art-stuff these days, mostly. I'd gotten to the point where I was finally doing stuff on a weekly basis, but I've had a kinda rough patch with getting put on meds over the last few months and I'm back at the point where I'm only really drawing once a month if at all, it's a bummer. I've stopped taking them though, because it's unironically way easier to manage being super unwell than to manage weird drug side-effects, or the disappointment of them not doing anything. So hopefully I'll be able to build what little work-ethic I'd established back up over this next year, ugh. I have no idea what you're talking about in paragraph three, your breakthrough and stuff, brain is kinda just throwing out all of the information there, so I'm not really remembering the words after I read them, wack. I'd reply otherwise. Is the imposition thing you're working on like, actual visual imposition or what? I know I made a big fuss about not using tupper terminology with Coco horse, but I still can't even fathom that being possible, from a personal viewpoint. I mean, Coconut hasn't really improved in any regard since the beginning, so I guess it's not something I should be worried about anyway. Would be really cool, though.
  5. Enny

    Chat Thread

    What are you fellows up to these days? Reply with stuff and things so I can easier justify using this thread as a platform to complain about existence between the dialogue. I'm really consistently into VR these days I guess, not a whole lot else. Not social VR, I'd rather eat lead paint than really get into that, but in general it's nice. I'm not usually playing many video games in general, but every couple weeks I'll throw the headset on and play Beat Saber or Skyrim VR for a while, it's cool. Really excited that it's growing like it is lately. I did actually get into Kenshi really hard recently, which has been a problem. Straight-up, I haven't binged a video game in like three or four years, but I've been pulling twelve-hour sessions with Kenshi over the last week. I'm up to uhhhhh, 87 or so hours right now if I were to wager, since I started playing last Tuesday. I don't sleep anyway, and I've been going to work on two-four hours of sleep for the last three years as it is, so at least I'm doing something with the nights recently lmao. Also buying horse books, fuck me, woof. I've got 12 physical fic prints with two more on the way, and another nine on the buy-asap list. I really love cozying up in the recliner and reading books but I'm just, way too fucking autistic to read anything but horsefic these days lmao. Accepting that I don't have literary standards is the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me, because now instead of reading a couple dozen standout fics a year and having nothing else, I can just consume garbage and average stuff until I'm dead without ever getting remotely close to running out. Other than that, yeah, shit's lame, just waiting to die at this point, not much else going on lmao. Anyone else? Please reply, god I need attention.
  6. Enny

    Let's share some music!

    ya'll letting the music thread fall off, smh my head, smh I've been making a huge point to see a lot of smaller artists live lately, can't fucking fathom how people refuse to see artists in person when they have the opportunity. So often I'm blown away by music I otherwise wouldn't have cared about in literally any capacity because the live composition is so good. I saw these guys tonight, and boy let me fucking tell you, I'm stanning these guys until I'm dead. Every one of these dudes was super nice and down to talk and supportive of the other artists, such a cool experience. So incredibly solid, too. I've seen multi-million fan artists who were worse than this live, god. Love this shit. Please, sincerely, check these guys out on Spotify or whatever you use. They have a lot of fantastic tracks. Please support small artists, I'm gonna cry.
  7. Here’s the more-or-less finished horse from yesterday. I don’t have the energy to really do more than this basic af stuff to anything, but is what it is. Moved some stuff around, tried to get things looking a bit less uncanny, as I felt the first iteration did in the face tbh. Sized down legs, moved hairband a bit, etc. Fun stuff.
  8. Yeah I do a hard majority of my computing from my iPad these days, as the only things I do are talk to people and draw, and I don’t always have a Bluetooth keyboard around when I’m wanting to share pics and shit so that’s inconvenient, the new way yeah, I’ve seen stuff about rotating or just iterating on pics. Sounds like a Sycra video. Iterating by drawing the same thing over and over again is probably legit, but I straight up don’t have the attention span for it. Rotating sounds like it requires some 3D visualizing skills, which I 100% never developed, but I could be wrong. Yeah, I don’t like, enjoy drawing I think. I enjoy the thought of being good eventually, and that’s kept me going for the last couple years. Learning is a major fuckin’ hindrance too, I straight up don’t comprehend guides or lessons for the most part, I can’t read or instructive material to save my life. Makes me zone out without fail, haven’t been able to figure that one out. And yeah, persistence is surely key, as well as consistency. Up until around November last year I hadn’t done more than tried to flounder about with anatomy and some studies, I’d never done a full pic, but as soon as I decided to, and gradually started drawing weekly, then every few days, up to every day, as opposed to the times when I’d go a month in between pitiful studies at a time, I was definitely able to notice some amount of improvement, pitiful as I feel it’s been. Yeah idk, shit’s wack. I could be a lot further along if I had the brain for learning, but as it stands, I’m pretty resigned to very gradual improvements, over the course of months. In three or four years, I’ll probably be adjacent to where I’m wanting to be now, but I guess by then I’ll be dissatisfied with that, and wanting to be even further on, huh. Lame
  9. Not grape horse unfortunately, I’m saving some of my ideas for her for when I’m a much better artist. I might do like a bi-annual grape horse as a metric for progress but ye thanks either way
  10. drawing sure does make me wanna die i drew this one really solid pic in like 20 mins a couple weeks back and have been trying to match it with literally anything since lmao not quite there but w/e, here’s something to throw in the ol’ thread while I’m in Fucking, can’t figure out how to embed pic with new shit, Here it is
  11. Yeah, looks good to me. Right on, staff, right on.
  12. The board got taken down, I was talking to Kiah on Discord about it and he passed it on through the proper channels, I made a unique thread just in-case. It was weird, I could see a lot of posts, but a lot of them were also flagged as forbidden when I clicked into them. Including my own deleted PR and other threads, haha.
  13. Yeah, that. Probably not a good thing lmao.
  14. Man I sure haven’t made more grape horse unfortunately. Art is hard yo, and this fool right here is a slow learner lmao. Also just, yeah, haven’t even really arted at all in general since the last one. Just got an iPad Pro tho, unironically the most fun I’ve had just doodling about, and I’ve tried a good few different art tablet solutions out. Still getting a feel for the pencil, there will be more grape horse eventually. I guess here’s a little few-minute doodle until the next one several months from now. Hope being able to just leisurely draw wherever instead of having to tether myself to the computer will help with future enjoyment.
  15. I drew a pic of grape horse. Or am in the process of drawing a pic of grape horse. I'm not good at it, I'm really inefficient when it comes to learning and studying art but whatever, fun I guess. I'd fucking die for this horse dudes. In a heartbeat. There will be more. Eventually.
  16. Enny

    Chat Thread

    Yeah if I madee enoguhg enough myoney to see a seleep person i'd have done it two asnd a havel years ago or whenver these problems start ed phaeppning. I can't ieven find a new job or leavce my comfort zone if I have a choise man. I live in such an urban area, so far away from any other job opportunities or social aoperrtunities that there's lieterally nothing I can do for it. I don't have a car, I can't walk for eight ohours to the nearest city every day for an actual job ewhere I can develp tmyself and grow. I work with my roommate so that aats the only thing I can trally do there. I'm so stuck and I hate it. I coiuldn't move back in with my parents if I wanted ot, I couldn't move in with anyone else if I wanted to, Inot at least wiwthingout haveingt some money and shit so what the fuck am I suppsoed to do. I barely make rent every rthti month. am I stupoposed to not eat just so I can save up enough money to move soemthiwhere else? wishful fucking htingking because I only spend like thirty tfucking dollars on food a month so it d sostill take like three fucking years to save e4nough to move somewhere else and that's like even assuming I could ever gett a fucking jfob right like even if I saved enough money eto mmove somewhere else I'm such a fuckihng wreck that I don't have the skills or marketetablity to work somewher eelse. LIke ahats assume I move somwehre else, what if I don't fidn aanother job immediatyely, BOMM I m fuckgied. I have to be ehomeless because I can't find more work. I make like seveen thousand dollasra a year after taxes and like five of thoses are rent and the other two are the rest of my fuckin gblilles, bills, whatt hee fuck am I wsupposed to do to fix my life. I geuninely don't know what I'm supoesed to do here. Do I just seorusly kill myself? Because I' m thinking about it more thatn I ever have in my life dude, fuck you. Fucking hate this shit. fucking fgcunts post, BOOM
  17. Enny

    Chat Thread

    hey i'm drunmk as fuck and I'm gonnna type something out because I'm stupid and I have some moronoginic sense that is moronci sense of obligation to remind myeself that I'm stuipd as fuck so here's some rambling, sorry fuckos if this is against chat thread rules BUT I MADE CHAT THREADD SOM FUCK YOU so I'm so fucking depressed that I can't handle it. I do almsot n othing but lament fmsy place in life all day. I wake up and hate myself and I got to wroksrk work sa and I hate myself and hate my job. I've had like fifve fuckin panic attacks in that la east month alone and it's a bit too much for mee at this piont. I mean honestly if not offor one or two of my family maekmbers and coco a I would have shot myself in the head by this point. I wasted this life and I can't even think straight amy jsmore. My brain doesn't work like it used to and cant even likew dedicate myself to anything. It' s all i ha ve in my life to just sit down and not cry honestly because I can't stand where I amam andw sotuff. zI want so ddese4prerately to learn how to be a better person but evedfyer time I sit down and try to learn and stuff I just shut down and I feel this immense pressure on myc heest an d it feels like my heart is going to shut tdown and I can hardly even move I ewish I sitill felt like a human being but at at hits point ZI don't. I don't even feel kliuke the barfe minumum person, and g=hate myseelf sio mcuh more than I can properly describle to you guys. I can't type this anywhere else becausee on like ffacebeok or something people are going to just laugh and be like whehel we have pro lems too so hurr fuck yours and even my close friends just stop replying to myes when I messagee them because I guesss htey just sdon't know what to fuckng say to me, fuck me and the fact ththta I hate everyhing and haven't tbene happy since I was like fucking thirtteen or something. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't poseett this bb ut when I'm sober I'm just to o fucking proud to post any genuine crise for help, but I need fucking help gsyse. this spolaye hahse been selme kind of catharsis for me, psosetging here rather, and it's one of those few places where I feel lI've got osme kind of anoanyimity , I godn't know. I needfd to ask for help when I'm too drunk totot hthik bettter of it and just fucking 'sprice check my shit and keep not doing this gonna post now, oool
  18. Enny

    Chat Thread

    I'm vaguely in a couple of communities, but connecting with people is weird. It's mostly like, communities where I'm trying to learn things, and when you're not yet good at those things and don't have anything to contribute yet, you don't have much of a staple place. If I can't contribute to discussion, why would I discuss? And giving out personal details is fine and all, but it's pretty surface-level haha. I'm 21, work a job I hate, and kinda just meander about the internet trying to pacify myself all day. Being friendly and asking about peoples' days, yeah, pretty standard. I'm not in communities where those kinds of things are really discussed though, so I guess not applicable to me atm. I guess the idea is to find one where that kind of thing is more commonplace. I have no clue, though. I'm not really into much that would tie people together through just, general discussion. I'm pretty into music in general, but being friends with other people who are super serious about music sounds awful, because unless their tastes align with mine then I'm just gonna be bored discussing stuff I'm not into, stuff like that. Otherwise I guess I'm pretty 2-dimensional, no real interests. I mean pons obviously, but the ship on me being able to integrate into the horsefucker community has long, long-since sailed. Anyway yeah, stability, PM'ing people seems a bit intrusive if I haven't gotten to know them yet. I'll sometimes do it if I need specific information from somebody and don't wanna bog down general chats, but it usually seems like I'm being a nuisance. My limited experiencing befriending people online was admittedly a bit more organic. Back when I was able to tolerate the horse community, I'd joined a chatsite dedicated to it and was driven by the wicked high-feeling I had for those first several months to discuss it with peeps, and was warmed up to speaking to many of them about other topics. Eventually some splinter group or another made a group on Skype, added me, and that was the basis of my friendgroup for a couple years. Fast forward to now and I only keep up with two of them out of, I don't even know, twenty? I haven't spoken to any of the others in years and couldn't find them if I wanted to, which I don't either way. Anyway yeah, that was all pretty organic, and that's the only way it'd be comfy for me. I've never made a friend irl by just walking up to them and talking to them for no reason, repeatedly, as that's obivously a very uncomfortable thing to deal with for both parties. I mean, this is all generally good advice though, I'm just difficult. I'll think on it idk, I've got a bit of a history of asking advice on things and then just straight disregarding it, full disclosure. Lmao nah, zero chance of me becoming a comfortable part of this community. For the first few years I was here I kind of wanted that, but I really, super do not connect or resonate with anybody here on the basis of tuppering, and that being the entire basis of the site-at-large is enough to turn me off of that pretty well and good. Yeah I don't even know. One of those two buds I still talk to from the horse chatsite days, a couple years back he picked up VR, right. Thought it was cool, started playing VRchat prior to its current notoriety when the community was a lot smaller. Dude just played it regularly and progressively attracted a group of people, and he's helped build a community of people he really enjoys being around. They have movie night every friday in VRC, improv nights, they play other games, etc. And like, I've met some of these people and am entirely not of the type that can be in that community, so I can't just get in on that, but it's that idea of just being somewhere and slowly-but-surely becoming comfortable with a group of people. Maybe it's the idea of some kind of fledgeling community, and an issue of not wanting to just force myself into an already active group of people who have majorly already defined their friendgroups, or something. I guess I just don't even know the exact type of community I would want to be a part of, and that's probably the bigger issue. I just don't have interests like I feel I used to, and no hobbies or passions to speak of. Wack
  19. Enny

    Chat Thread

    How does a nigga go about finding a sense of community on the internet in >current year? It's been like 7 years since I've been anywhere where I felt really comfy and excited to be around fellow members, and they around me, and I've been getting kinda nostalgic for that. I only have four dudes I talk to on the semi-reg but they're definitely not compatible with each other so I'm just kinda stuck talking to whoever among them is cool with chatting on any given day and being bored out of my mind for the rest of it. Anyone have any experiences or advice on the matter? Don't suggest vidya, I am physically incapable of forming meaningful connections via video games for some reason. I've got like 700 hours in ffxiv and have yet to meet a single person I've liked talking to enough to friend, but that could just be me.
  20. Enny

    Chat Thread

    This was a lie and I'm almost the same mentally as I've been for years, I'm just becoming more and more rarted as the months go by. I just needed an excuse to post grape horse somewhere before I return to my non-posting status. Grape horse is the pinnacle of modern horsery. You can take one look at her face and tell that this isn't the life that she thought she was going to have when she was young, but she's resolved to do what needs to be done anyway. That kind of stoic resolve, the dedication to her craft, grape horse is the kind of horse that would die for you. And I would die for grape horse.
  21. Enny

    Chat Thread

    I'm better than I've ever been. I'm back, and I'm starting a movement. Grape Horse is officially my way of life. Get ready. I've been pestering Kiah and some others with grape horse for like eight months, I just thought it was time to finally come out and profess my obsession. No longer in denial, no siree
  22. Enny

    Chat Thread

    You see this avatar here? This is grape horse. I would fell entire fucking kingdoms for this horse. The fact that I'll never be able to settle down with her on her vineyard and raise our beautiful children together is enough to drive me to tears. What's even left in this world?
  23. Enny

    Chat Thread

    Tbh I don't even enjoy video games with people, as a rule. Some fighting games, with the right people, but I've only got one bud I play anything with online. Playing with rando's is real fuckin weird to me. Like I've played something like 600 hours of Final Fantasy XIV and have easily said less than twenty things outside of dungeons to other players. No guild stuff, not even any friends in my friend's list. Just real weird about chatting online. Ha, I opened this thread up back in the day saying I didn't like the IRC, and it's the same thing. I'm in the discord for this site too, have been for several months, but again, something just unsettles me about that kind of communication. Real weird. I do fine irl, turned 21 this year and have gone in pretty good on going out and meeting people, but yeah. My own personal brand of autism, I guess? And yeah thanks, I've lurked two or three times a month over the last year but idk might post more, I'm bored.