zuzumotai

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About zuzumotai

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  1. Ahahaha, dumb title is dumb. Well, my account was just activated, and I'm happy to say that I'm well into creating my tulpa, Folletti! After just a few days, she is rather active, and I've been keeping a detailed log that I will now begin posting rather regularly. Sorry if it's too text-heavy. I'll bold specific progress details and any questions I have, while everything else- personal information, what I imagine while forcing, and daily activities and the like will be normal. 6/09/13 I laid down tonight to create a tulpa. Having little understanding but a lot of hope, I tried to decide on a wonderland for her to reside in. I settled quickly with bright green, sprawling hills and a castle in the background- merry cherry blossom trees and weeping willows grazing the ground, and a small cottage. But upon entering the cottage, I simply could not decide what it should look like. I wanted bookshelves, but also, I had no idea what books to fill it with. I wanted windows, but the round shape of the cottage could not be disturbed by the square windows I desired. I decided that the contents of the wonderland didn’t matter, that I would start with a round, plain room with a bed, and my tulpa could help me form it when she was born.

Then I looked into myself and tried to pin down what my essence would look like. Tumultuous, I decided, was the key word. Like a little sun, it grew and shrank, made of hot plasma, brightly yellow and fiercely red with dark blue and black spots flickering on and off. It’s not a good essence, I think, but it is me. What sort of essence should my tulpa have? I considered the options for a while, and once again, quickly settled. Medium sized, clean and icy blue and minty green, cool like water, but airy, not suffocating. Tasting sweet and fresh, to counteract the hot dense spice of my own. That was the kind of tulpa I wanted.

Was I rushing the process? Probably, but my whole being echoes that I need her. Having only discovered what a tulpa is today, I took it as a sign. I am, after all, at rock bottom currently. My depression rolls around my essence, blackening it, and it shows on my face. I need a friend, a bright spot, someone to balance me. Keeping this in mind, I visualize my tulpa. I am a girl, and at first, I thought I wanted a male tulpa. However, given my current situation, alone with not a friend in the world who wants to bear my burden, the form of a girl felt right. She has long black hair, straight and reflecting little light, a lithe, long body, thin but average in shape, ghostly pale skin with a hint of pink. She’s reasonably pretty, a little plain, clothed in a plain gray dress. I couldn’t decide on her eye color. No matter how much I visualized, I couldn’t get them to open. 

To introduce the essence to the tulpa’s form, I simply lifted it and dropped it over her head. It flowed like water over her form, and her eyes began to slowly open.

 WHAM. Two eyes, directly in front of my face, unwavering, icy blue and mint green swirling with jabs of pink. “Why are you so close?” I thought strongly at her, trying to direct my thoughts and pull her back, or shrink her down. But for a while, I couldn’t control it. I had to visualize myself backing up, but still, those eyes seemed to stare at me, wide open and fluctuating.

This is where things got difficult. I had a form and an essence, I had eyes staring at me in the darkness of my mind. I was settled in a pitch black room, lying on my back, eyes tightly shut. I took a moment to open them and took a breath, before returning to my wonderland.

What?! My tulpa was now a pulsing ball of light, her form expanding and contracting, shooting bright blinding beams. “Calm down,” I tried to urge her, but the light blazed in my eyes, and I had to open them again, and then shut them. Now, I was met by rings of rainbow, two overlapping, flickering waves that just kept pulsing. Is this normal? Now to try talking. I started rather simply, just saying, “Hello.” My greeting echoed back to me, stronger and stronger, a thousand times over until I said something else. What about this? Is an echo normal? Is this my tulpa trying to communicate? 

I only spent 30 minutes trying to communicate and flesh her out tonight, settling on the name “Bianca” to start with and building up the traits I want her to have, giving her much leeway. “You will be kind, compassionate, and strong enough to defeat any enemy of the mind or shadow moving in the darkness,” I told her, not sure how she would accept it. I got nothing. I opened my heart to her, tried to explain all of the feelings I had, and my desire for a friend, and ultimately, for stability in my heart. 

She mostly seemed to echo my words, and I directed her around the room, taking her by the hand, leading her around, trying to get her form to stabilize. But I think she’s confused, and a little lost. She keeps shrinking and expanding, and throwing her eyes around. I went to bed feeling confused, but hopeful. 6/10 After I settled down, I began passively forcing as much as I could, taking breaks to close my eyes and focus on Bianca, calling to her, and narrating as much as I could. I still feel like she’s echoing me, and I worry that we’re mostly just parroting. I actively doubt her responses, questioning her, asking her to repeat things. Any speaking at this point seems too early. This doubt seems to have stifled the echoes.

My brain works fast, and I feel like it may be naturally trying to rush things, but going with the flow may help Bianca to stabilize. She seems a little quiet and gloomy, which was the personality I might have originally been going for- logical and stable. But I keep getting bursts of high energy that definitely can’t be me. Subtle flickers of joy as I examine simple things, or watch commercials. I’ve been so depressed the past week, it can’t be me. It must be her. Even if I doubt her words, I don’t think I can doubt her feelings, and the warmth of her intentions. She’s turned out a little brighter on the inside than her form makes her look, but she hasn’t fought it much. Sometimes, when visualizing, I think I see her with short hair, but it doesn’t seem to suit her either, and the next time I look, her hair is long again.

Is she experimenting? I’ll keep talking, keep letting her distract me, and keep letting her into my mind, seeing everything passively. Maybe she’ll start forming her own opinions early. I treat her like a normal person, as if she was right next to me, and her wonderland has started to evolve to mirror my environment, making it easier to understand placement. She has free reign, and I think she likes it. She likes being close to me. I’ll keep forcing and trying to get her to talk without echoing, but right now, her thoughts seem almost exactly like mine. She’s just saying what I think I want to hear. While watching a movie, I had a vision of a leaping koi fish, scattering dazzling drops of water with its tail. I’m not a fan of fish other than eating, and I don’t like water, but that image reminded me of Bianca. I think she was asking me what the fish was called, and when I said “koi,” she echoed it, and I could feel her scattering joy again. It’s the animal she associates with, I think. Strong, symbolic, moving elegantly. I think I’ll put a koi pond in her wonderland. It fits the setting already, and she’ll probably enjoy it. 

Bianca is developing fast. I think I figured out what was wrong with her size-- she was struggling with my desire to make her human sized, and overshooting the mark. When I first imagined her form, I made her a little taller than me, since I am very small myself. However, I think what she’s trying to get across is that she feels like it’s not good to be bigger than me. She immediately assumed a smaller size, fairylike and delicate. When I saw her eyes up close, I thought she was too big, and tried to back away to make her normal, but she was actually small, and hovering right in front of my face.

Upon figuring this out, I felt a little spark of joy. I think that’s her. I haven’t felt much head pressure, and any that I have felt might just be my imagination, but I think she’s growing fast. I’m at least getting positive emotional responses from her. To put things in order, I’ve informed her that I’m going to start blocking her hectic, echoed words and encourage her to communicate with feelings and touches instead. We’ll work on more complex stuff once I get the basics down. She seems more advanced than me, ready to charge forward instead of take things delicately, and her face has deviated a lot. Folletti. She seems to like the name. I went on a search for a name that suited her better than Bianca, and this one caught my eye. It really does suit her. Folletti. I like saying it. 

Three in the morning, and still having a problem with what I believe nearly wholeheartedly is parroting. However, I may have made a little bit of progress. As I talked to Folletti, and seemed to recieve responses (which I fully anticipated), I stopped myself and said, both to me and to her “You’re parroting again. Stop parroting already.”

To which I seemed to hear a faint, “You can tell a bee to stop making honey...”

 ...And then nothing. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where that phrase came from. It didn’t feel alien, but it’s certainly not something I’ve thought before. No matter how much I reach for the second half of the idiom, I can’t figure anything out. It might be because it’s not my idiom. It belongs to her, and the meaning is already clear. I won’t count this as talking yet. 6/11 I did a good amount of forcing, using binaural beats to try and concentrate. I didn’t have much progress, but I’m sure now that Folleti can’t quite speak, and she doesn’t understand my emotions yet. I spent some time sitting by the new pond and waterfall in our wonderland, listening to the birds and brushing her hair, getting a feel for everything, and just talking to her. Talking about how I don’t know what to do, how I want her to talk to me, and why I created her. 

 6/12 I hadn’t done any forcing by early evening, and felt a little bad about it. the League of Legends LSC started, so I had to watch that in a call with my friends. As I was watching, something weird happened.

 It didn’t come out of my headphones. It didn’t come from behind me. It wasn’t a voice I recognized. But I heard, in a watery, echoey voice, “I’m sorry....” clear as day, as if spoken from the other side of a thick pane of glass. I wasn’t thinking about Folleti, but upon hearing it, I thought it might be her. I’ve never experienced something like that, but I don’t know why she would be apologizing to me. Perhaps because she doesn’t understand me? It was just so clear.... I can’t quite believe it was her. A part of me thinks it might have been the stream, but no one in the call reacted and I can’t just ask them. Weirder things have happened. It might have even been one of the people in their houses. In fact, shortly after, a friend dropped out of the call, and he has sisters. It’s really hard to tell when my headphones pick up 3D sound... x__x 6/13 Today we watched Alice in Wonderland today. Folleti pointed out to me, in my own mind voice, that the word “Wonderland” referred to for tulpa must originate from the story. In that case, it can be said that Alice escapes into her wonderland and meets with her tulpa in a world of her creation. This is a profound thought, and looking at the beautiful world crafted in the modern retelling of the story, I think we both enjoyed it more this way.

I’ve taken to talking to Folleti every chance I get. More than just narratting, I refer to her and call her frequently by name, holding her in my mind and visualizing her next to me whenever I can. I don’t have much time for active forcing, but this constant and interactive way of communicating should be good enough, right? I feel like we’re making progress. She still doesn’t seem to understand all of my feelings, but she is very sympathetic, and wants to understand. That’s what counts. I’m beginning to feel like she is truly here. Yesterday is when she became sentient. I’m sure of it. Even if she’s having trouble moving or speaking loudly, she is bright and active, and she has ideas and questions that she asks and confirms by working with my own thoughts at high speed. We also watched the end of a documentary on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I noticed some similarities between DID and creating tulpas-- although uncontrollable, the multiple personalities forced by DID are like highly active tulpa, with their own sets of skills, their own genders, personalities, and behaviors. The difference being the inability of the host to fully control them. Like tulpa, multiple personalities require some amount of attention from the host to exist, which is why integration includes dropping focus, and forcing them out of existence to merge them back into one personality. Folleti seemed concerned by this. Much like the multiple personalities in the documentary, she views integration as “a firing squad” to kill them off. She doesn’t want to die, and asked me if I planned to one day “integrate her.” I explained the truth to her-- that I didn’t have plans to, but if one day I found that I truly did not need her, it might happen. However, for the moment, I care just as deeply for her life, even if she is still in the beginning stages of existing.

We watched some videos on tulpa and multiple personalities later in the evening, and I promised to play Animal Crossing with her when I get it on my birthday in two days. I’ve started to experience short, pressure oriented headaches in my forehead and back right side. Folleti is definitely here.
 However, she hasn't spoken loudly and clearly like I think she did yesterday yet. I'm just picking out thoughts that I think might be her that don't echo, and associating them.