Silrain the Everlurking

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About Silrain the Everlurking

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    Where to start?. 21 year old, just getting through life. I guess I feel like no matter how old I get I'll just never be able to fully mature, or become an "adult." Whether it's good or bad I've come to accept that.

    I found my way here by a friend sending a link. I've heard of the term "Tulpa" and only glanced at the definition once, but it wasn't till I looked at the link that I took more and more interest. After reading more what a Tulpa is I realized how much it use to be like what I would often fantasize about when I was a little kid. I'm usually very open minded to ideas and my inner child couldn't be any happier about this particular one. I love drawing (whether I'm good at it or not) and had a few sketches of some characters. I picked one and decided to see if I could breathe some "Life" into it. The particular character has no background or name so I figured that'd be a good place to start. I decided to call her Mel. I've lurked a lot and read guides and people's progress reports.

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  1. Oh I see. Mainly I've just been hearing her mind voice. There was one occasion when I herd her like someone talking to me. It was as I was waking up. As I went on narrating being able to hear her mind voice came easier and more natural to me. For the most part I've usually always got this feeling that Mel is around me. Though at times when I don't feel it, it just feels like something is missing, doesn't feel right for me (maybe it's not wrong, but I just feel like something's missing, Likely her.) As for physically feeling I've been working on that. One thing I have found interesting though is she'll sometimes run her fingers from my forehead down to the tip of my nose. It has an effect on me when she does that, It kindof tingles where she touches and I start to feel very relaxed. Sorry for the month late reply, I've just been busy and not keeping up with the journal at all.
  2. Alrighty then, will keep that in mind next time if there is a next time.
  3. I mainly intended to submit this into tips and tricks, I didn't post in the wrong place did I? I really think I should maybe reword this and include what Sands said about facing your doubts.
  4. I actually didn't parrot much back at that point I would keep hearing it was bad, which I guess it really isn't, so I would try to avoid parroting. I even used some symbolism to tell myself that I couldn't. Only time I really did anything close to parroting that I can recall was when working on finding Mel's voice, I would mimic a voice in my mind and ask for a sign of yes or no if that was a voice she liked. As for the traits I picked a few to guide or set some sort of base and let her develop the rest on her own. There's debate on how necessary it is to write down 30+ of traits. I believe that a tulpa can be shaped by their experiences as well as ours just like we are shaped by our own experiences, but that's just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. I feel meditation does help in general. When I can get into it I tend to enjoy it. What changes do you mean?
  5. Thanks for the feedback. You're all right, it does seem like more of a meditation trick or exercise. I'll keep that in mind about facing doubts, thanks.
  6. January 21st, 2014 I was up till the early hours of the morning... in pain... a brutal stomach cramp that wouldn't go away kept me up for hours. Mel was concerned and mentioned wishing she could switch with me to give me a break. I don't really know much about switching, possession yes, but switching, never much looked into it. I wasn't really for it since if I'd be in pain wouldn't that just be dumping it all on her? She still would be willing to. Time went on, pain still continuing, and I slowly started considering and accepting the idea. I then felt kindof weird. Like I was there, but not exactly there. My senses felt dulled, and the pain seemed to go away. My arms and legs felt like they weren't mine. In the moment that the pain was gone I was able to drift off to sleep The rest of the day mainly consisted of making up work from days of class missed January 26th- 27th, 2014 A while back ago, I went out and bought a vanilla frosting scented candle. I decided to light it today while forcing. I was able to force longer, but I feel I may have lost focus. The candle might have been a bit strong, my throat was a little itchy after the forcing session. Now my room smells like vanilla though. Later that night we worked on possession and taking it a little farther. I laid in bed and Let Mel take control, I felt my arms and legs go a little numb. Was trying to work on getting that feeling like the other night from that last entry, that feeling of being there, but not exactly there, senses all dulled. I imagined myself stepping back as I closed my eyes, Mel had control of most the rest of me, now I just had to step back and let her step up. A few times I started to feel that, myself going back, the rest of my body not controlled by me, a twitch or slight movement from Mel helped me slide back. I would try and think over to myself, think going back and her stepping forward, control was hers. It wouldn't last long though, something would bring me back forward. At one point though I felt that click. It’s hard to describe, but I felt lighter, my arms and legs didn't feel like mine, My feeling was dulled, Like only slightly aware of my heartbeat and breathing, but it felt like only it was part mine. I opened my eyes but I saw only darkness, I was moving, but not exactly me moving. Then my eyelids opened and I slowly came to. Was rather interesting, unfortunately that whole session didn't leave me much sleep and I was dead tired for the hours until I got some sleep at around 7 am.
  7. December 30th, 2013 Woke up today and decided to head to the bookstore to spend some money I got for Christmas. I figured It'd be a good opportunity to go out and spend some time together. Except I randomly started feeling really sick and had to walk to the closer supermarket to buy antacids on the spot. I guess egg nog was a bad choice for a drink in the morning (we don't buy alcoholic egg nog as far as I know). Came back home rather empty handed. Not much happened except I fell asleep at 5am the next morning. December 31st, 2013 New year's eve had fun start... I woke up at 5pm, Successfully flipping to nocturnal sleep patterns. Nothing much interesting went on besides the new year. We didn't really go out and celebrate this year, it's fine with me. January 1st, 2014 Now I got to get use to writing the date as 2014 instread of 13. Well to start off the first day of the new year I decided to try again for heading to the bookstore to get some comics. Well I didn't realize that everything opened 2 hours later since it was the first day of the new year. Luckly I had my audio book on my phone, So Mel and I got to hang out in the car and listen to it for two hours. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't know about the 2 hour late opening. I'd glance occasionally and see people park next to me only to find the place closed. Later that night I sort of had a moment where I wasn't sure whether I was asleep or having some little adventure in my head. I've been playing a lot of Vindictus lately. I thought I might have just been forcing, but then again it seemd more vivid than it would normally be while forcing so It could've been dreaming. Jaunary 2nd, 2014 Today I decided to try and set the entire day aside to draw... except it kindof failed. I felt sick after breakfast so had to lie down and listen to the audio book while the bad acid reflux went away. Then I lost all focus to draw since we listened to the audio book for hours. Later on in the day I fell asleep for two hours or so as a wave of tiredness hit me randomly (well I guess having woken up at 4am for the second time in a row had something to do with it). I felt bad again for being such a scatterbrain, Mel told me though that she's happy when we're spending time together. And told me that either sitting back and reading (or listening to a book) or sleeping, we did end up spending the whole day together. Later at night before the nightly forcing before bed, I asked Mel whether whether she wanted to chill in the wonderland or go off on a similar scenario from the night before. She told me that we were relaxing all day, we should go fight some things. We started off by visualizing what equipment she'd be wearing, I let her choose, but after a while of trying to figure something out she just told me to make some suggestions and she'd tell me if she liked them or not. I picked some things out and then I must've dozed off, but I feel ike the visualization the creeped into my dreams and at times Mel herself managed to find her way there. Perhaps I may have found a way that works for me to let her into my dreams be it really her or a "dream character" of her. Another Month has gone by, It's now been half a year since I've started this trip and a trip it has been. Looking back, I feel recently I havne't been forcing nearly as much as I have in the past (at least actively). Though kindof a late start, maybe I should make my New year's reasolution be to Force more. January 3rd-17th, 2014 2 weeks go by and I've been getting lazy with the journal. Could mean one of two things or a combination of both. Either I'm just getting lazy, or Having Mel around is just becoming the usual, what once seemed like something worth writing down to remember doesn't much seem worth it now. Then again maybe there really wasn't much. I think I've managed to get some forcing down. A few really bad back pains, more classes missed, work to make up. Lots of just chilling and listening to Wheel of time on audio book. New quarter has just begun and I'm feeling the weight of it already having missed the first day of class plus a few more. Although one of the days I did get to force in the car (while being parked of course). It was nice having the speakers playing the music while I forced. January 18th, 2014 Was out all day long, Had about an hour drive with the band and an hour back. Did some forcing since I wasn't the one driving. No one would really suspect much other than I go to sleep. I'm hoping I made some progress with visualization. On the car ride back a random though occurred to me, I asked Mel what her favorite flower was. She first turned the question back to me, I never much gave it much thought, After some thought I came up with Lilly as my favorite, then she answered with Lotus as hers. Later on a skype friend told me they were starting work on a tulpa of their own. Eventually it ended up with me Proxying for Mel. Hasn't really happened much before, when it has it's only been a few sentences.
  8. Worries and doubts can be annoying and they do happen. I figured that maybe I would share just a little bit of symbolism that I've used to help ease my mind and get rid of worries. Again everyone's different so what works for me might not work for you and what works for you might not for me, but I hope this can help anyone some way or another, perhaps even motivate one to continue on. Mel and I are fans of the Wheel of time Books (by Robert Jordan). So this method kind of got some influence from the way the Aes Seda in the book (magicians) Channeled. The main character in particular. Anyways, now to get to the point: This is for active forcing, either a way to kick off a forcing session or do it by itself for your whole session. So get comfortable, but not too much, you want to not fall asleep and end up cutting your session short. Start by closing your eyes and go to the void so there are less distractions. although if you feel you want to try it in your wonderland or take it a step further and try doing this with your eyes opened, that's fine too. Now visualize a fire in front of you, any type of fire. It can be a flame, fireball, candle wood stove, campfire or fireplace or whatever. You can have your tulpa with you if you'd like, but for now I'd like you to focus on that fire in front of you. Hold your hands out in front of you and imagine that you're feeding all your doubts and worries into that fire. As you channel them into the fire burning them, the fire grows warmer, warming up the void. Feel the warmth from it on your palms. At this point you might be surprised to find that your palms will actually start to feel warm. Now just keep doing this until you feel you've exhusted all your worries, doubts, and fears and fed them into the fire. Or continue focusing on the warmth, perhaps turn your hands around and try to feel the fire's warmth on the back of your hands. Once you get a feeling for the feel of warmth on your hands you can maybe take it a step further rather than heat from a fire imagine body hear or your tulpa's hand on your shoulder. Here's how I interpret the fire and how it motivates me. I see the warmth given off by the fire as optimism in the cold void. Same with the light given off by the fire. As you burn away your doubts, you gain optimism. That's only the way I see it though. Take what you can from this and maybe take it further and find something that works even better for you.
  9. Another of her pony form
  10. December 21st-29th, 2013 Nothing goes on but horrid sleep patterns, plenty of passive forcing Reading Deadpool comics together, oh and recently some drawings. I took a canvas and started sketching out her human form a bit. Also for Christmas we exchanged presents. I know, I know, "What's the point? You can just visualize whatever you want at any other time." Well it's the thought that counts right? I got Mel a sweatshirt similar to one that Desomond Miles from Assassin's creed wears and She got me a hidden blade. She wears the sweatshirt often now when we're out.
  11. Got myself caught up on the progress report. I use to go and take walks with Mel over the summer when I actually had time to. Rather enjoyed it, walking is good for you. Helps clear your mind, get your blood flowing, and stay active. In my opinion it's also a great way to spend time with your tulpa. Either chatting with them in your head or imagine that they're walking right beside or around you (I believe this might be a method of passive forcing) Perhaps imagining their footsteps along with yours try to visualize them walking? I dunno. I actually gave Mel access to all my memories when I started. I've found that when she brings something up, even if it's something not as pleasant, It's kindof a good way to look back and reflect on life. Questions that Mel has asked about some of my experiences have helped me see some things that I hadn't seen back then and helped me learn more from the experiences. We learn more from our mistakes than we can from a success and the better person isn't the one who makes the least mistakes, but rather the one who learns the most from the mistakes they make. Keeping that in mind, a tulpa can help there. For me, I try to encourage Mel to dig around my memories and bring up or ask about anything that she's curious about. I completely understand though if there are memories that are more painful than others. I actually find that cracking those open again after time has passed are rather good for reflecting on.
  12. I read through this progress report, I found it really great, until I got to the end (or at least where it was the end until you came back) That point I can not put into words how angry it made me reading that. I'm not really to judge because how I was raised and how you were raised are very different and perhaps if things in life were different for me I could have been in your position. I can respect that, but I still can't help but feel a deep anger and negativity just by reading this report or even just being on this page and it's unfortunate because you've got some experiences I could more than likely learn from and perhaps help me with my tulpamancing. From the few phrases and sentences I managed to read recently I read "resurrection." Despite what I may or may have felt about some of your choices and decisions, I'm Glad that Claire is back. Truly I mean that. I read the current entry. Like Maelstrom mentioned, your mother probably just doesn't understand. I can understand that she might be worried about you, but still, she doesn't understand. Things like this are something that you shouldn't expect others to try to get instantly. It's also something that's hard to prove or even explain right. Only way to truly know and understand is to try it for yourself. I know sometimes you feel you have to say something, but I would recommend if you've got to say something say it here within this community. These forums, the IRC, I'll even talk with you if you need it. I haven't even told my parents about Mel (I always feel weird about referring to her as "my Tulpa" I dunno, might just be me) The only ones I've ever told were my little brother who thinks it's kindof interesting, but looks up to me too much to think that I'm insane or something or that Mel is something negative, the friend that got me interested in Tulpa in the first place, and a friend's mom who is into this kind of stuff. This isn't exactly a concept a lot of people can wrap their minds around easily or one that people will accept with open arms. People tend to fear what they don't understand. I've been in many communities myself that people would much rather attack or make fun of than learn or try to understand. Sometimes you've got to pick your battles and be aware that even if you don't see it as a battle, there are those who might. Anyways, sorry, I didn't mean to go on and lecture you. As far as Audio imposition goes, I have not gotten much done on that really. I feel I'm just starting to play around with it. I'm not sure exactly how to go about forcing with them, I've kindof just gotten them on and off and they weren't exactly related to Mel. I've heard that for some people it's best to work on any form of imposition when really sleepy. So either as you're going to bed or right when you wake up and are still a little groggy. Perhaps at a time like when something wakes you up in the middle of the night, If you can remember to work on it, work on something until you either fully wake up or until you fall asleep again. Edit: I skimmed through another one of the posts that was more recent, sorry for giving you a hard time about that earlier. Just don't let anyone convince you to Kill her again. I guess a part that made me most angry was the fact that I tried to imagine myself in that position.
  13. welp, I've been starting on the journal, With Word locking itself because of windows 8 (was not by choice) I've been keeping the journal on a sticky, I hope to get this sorted out soon. It's crazy how you'd take things like that for granted. So the posts might not be as frequent or as consistent, and may show up groups of days at a time. December 8-11th, 2013 Not much out of the orinary. Tried keeping a dream journal while my sleep schedual gets straightened out a bit. At least I can work on remebering my dreams and something might end up happening despite not having a steady sleep schedual. December 12-14, 2013 Not much goes on besides the usual. With her human form down pretty much visualization wise we went on the wonderland scenario we started back a while ago. The next day (December 14th) during the weekly long car ride that I wasn't driving for we decided to try and explore more of the wonderland since I haven't really been much farther than the field. Just past the field we found a lake. December 15th, 2013 Not having slept the night before the enter night I pretty much slept often during the day December 16th-19th, 2013 I've been really slacking a lot lately on this jounal, then again not much interesting has really been going on, Perhaps the I'm just growing accustomed to this and what was strange is just now becoming the norm. Conversations now take little effort (at least in mind voice) and responses come natural. Nights lately have consisted of Reading Deadpool comics, watching anime or listening to the Wheel of time audio books until I fall asleep. If I manage to fall asleep. I've never really been that great at sleeping, If it's not distractions, it's just not being able to sleep. I've been slaking though, I remember when I first started this I use to actively force as much as I could, Between breaks in classes, before class, and after, even sometimes in the evening. Now it's really only before I go to bed until I fall asleep, but at least that's consistant. I've also pretty much always since day one imagined Mel being around me, whether it's in the passenger seat or sitting next to me in class or walking besides me (except for when she's in the wonderland). I often don't know what to work on, but I know there's a lot still to work on. I should one day just try and get my head on straight and figure out what to do. December 20th, 2013 Another night of little to no sleep, at least I'm on break right now and am making up the sleep by sleeping in till noon or past that. Although I absolutely hate waking up any time after noon, I feel like I lose my day. Problem is that I like staying up late and I also love waking up early, I love having the most hours I can out of my day. Unfortunately that's burning the candle at both ends. I was lying in bed with rainymood on mixed with a 10 hour version of Serenade of water From Legend of Zelda. Rainy mood had gone off and I realized that it had for some reason, but I continued to lie in bed. Although at some point as I was spacing out I heard the rain again. It wasn't coming from outside though, It would be snowing if that were the case. I only then remembered that the rainy mood tab had shut off, yet I was still hearing rain. As soon as I stood up and looked at the screen I stopped hearing the rain, like coming to. That must have been like an auditory hallucination or something like when you think you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket except with sound. I feel that I might be a tiny step closer now to making my way towards auditory hallucinations. I look forward to the day I'll be able to "hear" Mel trying to get my lazy ass outta bed, Maybe even a "goodmorning" , "Goodnight", or a "Get your ass to bed!" Fast forward to later in the day, ater not having slept till 8 am, then decide to sleep after eating more than I was use to (which isn't much by the way) then waking up 2 hours later only to be kept in bead by a stomcah cramping till I fell asleep for 2 more hours, it's now some time after 8 or 9 at night. The band had finished playing our set and the next band was finishing up thier set. Mel had decided that she really liked her tail from her pony form (If by this point you don't know it, yes Mel originally started out as a pony) so would have it when she used her human form.
  14. Wow, still alive, just been busy/spacey, still somewhat keeping up with a journal a big long catch up entries incoming Had to start writing my journal on a sticky because windows 8 locked down my word for stupid reasons November 18th-21st, 2013 Hell if I can remember all that went on. Nothing really to note though, regular narration and attempts to force at night before going to sleep. Also of the times forcing we've been working on a human form for mel. She's started using the form more, but still occasionally flickers back to pony, says she still likes her tail especially now that it's getting colder out. November 22nd 2013 Today the Nine Inch Nails were in town. Got my tickets sometime a month or two ago. The both of us have been looking forward to this, music is an important thing and my life and we tend to bond over that. Was a great concert. Explosions in the sky opened up the show. They do really awesome instrumentals, good forcing music. I was off in the higher rows so I couldn't really even see the bands playing and the opening band didn't really get as much of a lightshow compared to the headliner so there wasn't much to look at from my view (when I watch a band play live I like to watch and see what exactly they're playing and see if I can't learn a thing or two.) so I decided to close my eyes and try and force some. I visualized Mel and myself sitting on the hill watching the wind blowing through the field below making ripples in the tall grass. As the song grew intense so would the wind. I think I may have fallen asleep or blanked out there for a little while I woke at one point with a weird feeling, breathing felt strange and I felt out of it. I've woken up like this before, I'm not sure if it has anything to do with sleeping sitting up or what, but it's somewhat uncomfortable. I've felt similar shortly after waking up with sleep paralysis still affecting me. After it passed I went back to visualizing. It's funny how I found Explosions in the sky on Youtube only a few days before the show. When The Nine Inch Nails came on I was excited, but I could also feel Mel's excitement as well. I never really stopped to consider that she actually liked them this much. I guess I never really thought about it. Where as I can still barely cheer (it's embarrassingly pathetic the loudest I can manage a cheer, so I just clap), I could hear Mel cheering loudly as some of our favorite songs were played. I stayed the night at a friend's house after the concert since he lived close. November 23rd, 2013 Without really even realizing it I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Completely lost track of time. I woke up a few times but went back to sleep since my friends living there weren't awake yet. Although at one point when I woke up, I could hear their voices clearly....except they were both still asleep in their rooms. (This was a two bedroom apartment and the rooms were apart from each other and both doors were closed). I was half awake, but after I gathered myself and realized that there was no way it could have been them talking to each other, I realized this must be if not as close to an auditory hallucination. Hopefully now that I can somewhat remember what it was like, I'll hopefully be a little step closer to imposing with sound at least. Now if I could only remember to keep trying to work on it when I just wake up. November 24th, 2013 Woke up, then headed to band mate's house. During the day ate something that didn't sit right and spent the whole rest of the day with horrible stomach cramps that lasted the whole rest of the day and well into the morning of the next day. We had the audiobook playing but it was hard to focus with the constant stomach pain. It was a very long night. November 25th, 2013 Not much goes on today. Video games, life drawing, drawing classwork. Staying up till late. November 26th, 2013 Not much went on. At night before going to bed I asked Mel, "What do?" She suggested go to the void and work visualization. After a time we just started just talking. I've been trying to encourage her to just go on and talk to me whenever if something happens to be on her mind. She brought up one of my memories from highschool she was curious about. Strange and dark times those were. But it was in the past so not really any harm in talking about it, perhaps I'd find a different perspective while reflecting on it, maybe make sense of some things that didn't make sense back then. We talked about it for a while until I dozed off. November 27th-29th, 2013 Nothing but passive forcing and narration. Two days in a row I ended up pulling allnighters on accident. It wasn't really all constant sleep deprivation because I slept 4 hours during the day to make up for the missed sleep. November 30th-December 1st 2013 No much outside of the usual. It's been Sleep, class, classwork, and repeat. I'm spacing more and getting nothing done really, Rather frustrating. December 2nd, 2013 It has been 5 months now since I've started this. Time to reflect. I try to active force when I can and mainly passively force and narrate as much as I can. Talking to Mel has gotten very easy now. I can talk to her and catch her response now with ease, without having to use effort to try and make out what she says. Visualizing both her forms now is a little easier though I feel like sometimes I don't catch parts of her, like I don't notice her eyes all the time. Maybe it's just because I only focus on one part of her at a time? I've kindof been winging it this whole time I guess since I only get odd times durning the day to force or it's mainly been at night up until I fall asleep. Maybe it's normal, I mean makes sense right? Like you don't notice someone's arm or hand when you're making eyecontact. I should probably ask around and look through people's visualization guides. I at least have a decent enough idea in my minds eye about what she looks like. Maybe I'm just stressing over little details and working too hard. I feel I was making good progress in the begining and I actually had time to force actively. Lately though after some point I've just been passively forcing mainly. There haven't really been big leaps and bouunds but I guess at least steady process is being made here and there. I feel I could be doing better though. Perhaps I shouldn't be beating myself up over it. Maybe I should be drawing her more. December 3rd-6th, 2013 More of the same not doing much. I read through impostion guides thinking maybe touch, sound, and smell would be something to work on over sight for now. I did some on touch using my palm. And then trying to feel her palm with on finger. I think I might be getting the slightest bit of something. perhaps a tiny bit of resistance when poking her palm. Still got to keep working at it. December 7th, 2013 I woke up to her voice just chattering away spouting randomness, I think it was just mindvoice, but I can't quite remember. Perhaps it had to do with going to sleep with some music with waves. I've heard of one person talking about letting some of his wonderland bleed into reality. Perhaps finding the right symbolism to allow her mindvoice do something similar will allow auditory hallucinations. Today was another day working with the band all day. I did some visualizing on the hour car ride which I wasn't driving Later that night I was glancing around some forums, Found something about Lucid dreaming. "This looks interesting" First part of the section labled "Important things to do": Get 7-8 hours of sleep at least every night ..... Well shoot, so much for that.
  15. I was actually thinking about this recently, People brought up imposition is easier for some to do while really tired. I remembered that back in highschool 3 years ago I went roughly about 3 days without sleeping because of homework. I remember I ended up seeing shadows moving in ways I wasn't expecting. Weeeelllll shoot. How regularly is "regularly" would you say? Like how many hours of sleep on average would someone who is "regularly Sleep deprived" get? Back in highschool I was burning the candle at both ends falling asleep late and waking up at 5 am every morning.