Silrain the Everlurking

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Everything posted by Silrain the Everlurking

  1. Oh I see. Mainly I've just been hearing her mind voice. There was one occasion when I herd her like someone talking to me. It was as I was waking up. As I went on narrating being able to hear her mind voice came easier and more natural to me. For the most part I've usually always got this feeling that Mel is around me. Though at times when I don't feel it, it just feels like something is missing, doesn't feel right for me (maybe it's not wrong, but I just feel like something's missing, Likely her.) As for physically feeling I've been working on that. One thing I have found interesting though is she'll sometimes run her fingers from my forehead down to the tip of my nose. It has an effect on me when she does that, It kindof tingles where she touches and I start to feel very relaxed. Sorry for the month late reply, I've just been busy and not keeping up with the journal at all.
  2. Alrighty then, will keep that in mind next time if there is a next time.
  3. I mainly intended to submit this into tips and tricks, I didn't post in the wrong place did I? I really think I should maybe reword this and include what Sands said about facing your doubts.
  4. I actually didn't parrot much back at that point I would keep hearing it was bad, which I guess it really isn't, so I would try to avoid parroting. I even used some symbolism to tell myself that I couldn't. Only time I really did anything close to parroting that I can recall was when working on finding Mel's voice, I would mimic a voice in my mind and ask for a sign of yes or no if that was a voice she liked. As for the traits I picked a few to guide or set some sort of base and let her develop the rest on her own. There's debate on how necessary it is to write down 30+ of traits. I believe that a tulpa can be shaped by their experiences as well as ours just like we are shaped by our own experiences, but that's just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. I feel meditation does help in general. When I can get into it I tend to enjoy it. What changes do you mean?
  5. Thanks for the feedback. You're all right, it does seem like more of a meditation trick or exercise. I'll keep that in mind about facing doubts, thanks.
  6. January 21st, 2014 I was up till the early hours of the morning... in pain... a brutal stomach cramp that wouldn't go away kept me up for hours. Mel was concerned and mentioned wishing she could switch with me to give me a break. I don't really know much about switching, possession yes, but switching, never much looked into it. I wasn't really for it since if I'd be in pain wouldn't that just be dumping it all on her? She still would be willing to. Time went on, pain still continuing, and I slowly started considering and accepting the idea. I then felt kindof weird. Like I was there, but not exactly there. My senses felt dulled, and the pain seemed to go away. My arms and legs felt like they weren't mine. In the moment that the pain was gone I was able to drift off to sleep The rest of the day mainly consisted of making up work from days of class missed January 26th- 27th, 2014 A while back ago, I went out and bought a vanilla frosting scented candle. I decided to light it today while forcing. I was able to force longer, but I feel I may have lost focus. The candle might have been a bit strong, my throat was a little itchy after the forcing session. Now my room smells like vanilla though. Later that night we worked on possession and taking it a little farther. I laid in bed and Let Mel take control, I felt my arms and legs go a little numb. Was trying to work on getting that feeling like the other night from that last entry, that feeling of being there, but not exactly there, senses all dulled. I imagined myself stepping back as I closed my eyes, Mel had control of most the rest of me, now I just had to step back and let her step up. A few times I started to feel that, myself going back, the rest of my body not controlled by me, a twitch or slight movement from Mel helped me slide back. I would try and think over to myself, think going back and her stepping forward, control was hers. It wouldn't last long though, something would bring me back forward. At one point though I felt that click. It’s hard to describe, but I felt lighter, my arms and legs didn't feel like mine, My feeling was dulled, Like only slightly aware of my heartbeat and breathing, but it felt like only it was part mine. I opened my eyes but I saw only darkness, I was moving, but not exactly me moving. Then my eyelids opened and I slowly came to. Was rather interesting, unfortunately that whole session didn't leave me much sleep and I was dead tired for the hours until I got some sleep at around 7 am.
  7. December 30th, 2013 Woke up today and decided to head to the bookstore to spend some money I got for Christmas. I figured It'd be a good opportunity to go out and spend some time together. Except I randomly started feeling really sick and had to walk to the closer supermarket to buy antacids on the spot. I guess egg nog was a bad choice for a drink in the morning (we don't buy alcoholic egg nog as far as I know). Came back home rather empty handed. Not much happened except I fell asleep at 5am the next morning. December 31st, 2013 New year's eve had fun start... I woke up at 5pm, Successfully flipping to nocturnal sleep patterns. Nothing much interesting went on besides the new year. We didn't really go out and celebrate this year, it's fine with me. January 1st, 2014 Now I got to get use to writing the date as 2014 instread of 13. Well to start off the first day of the new year I decided to try again for heading to the bookstore to get some comics. Well I didn't realize that everything opened 2 hours later since it was the first day of the new year. Luckly I had my audio book on my phone, So Mel and I got to hang out in the car and listen to it for two hours. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't know about the 2 hour late opening. I'd glance occasionally and see people park next to me only to find the place closed. Later that night I sort of had a moment where I wasn't sure whether I was asleep or having some little adventure in my head. I've been playing a lot of Vindictus lately. I thought I might have just been forcing, but then again it seemd more vivid than it would normally be while forcing so It could've been dreaming. Jaunary 2nd, 2014 Today I decided to try and set the entire day aside to draw... except it kindof failed. I felt sick after breakfast so had to lie down and listen to the audio book while the bad acid reflux went away. Then I lost all focus to draw since we listened to the audio book for hours. Later on in the day I fell asleep for two hours or so as a wave of tiredness hit me randomly (well I guess having woken up at 4am for the second time in a row had something to do with it). I felt bad again for being such a scatterbrain, Mel told me though that she's happy when we're spending time together. And told me that either sitting back and reading (or listening to a book) or sleeping, we did end up spending the whole day together. Later at night before the nightly forcing before bed, I asked Mel whether whether she wanted to chill in the wonderland or go off on a similar scenario from the night before. She told me that we were relaxing all day, we should go fight some things. We started off by visualizing what equipment she'd be wearing, I let her choose, but after a while of trying to figure something out she just told me to make some suggestions and she'd tell me if she liked them or not. I picked some things out and then I must've dozed off, but I feel ike the visualization the creeped into my dreams and at times Mel herself managed to find her way there. Perhaps I may have found a way that works for me to let her into my dreams be it really her or a "dream character" of her. Another Month has gone by, It's now been half a year since I've started this trip and a trip it has been. Looking back, I feel recently I havne't been forcing nearly as much as I have in the past (at least actively). Though kindof a late start, maybe I should make my New year's reasolution be to Force more. January 3rd-17th, 2014 2 weeks go by and I've been getting lazy with the journal. Could mean one of two things or a combination of both. Either I'm just getting lazy, or Having Mel around is just becoming the usual, what once seemed like something worth writing down to remember doesn't much seem worth it now. Then again maybe there really wasn't much. I think I've managed to get some forcing down. A few really bad back pains, more classes missed, work to make up. Lots of just chilling and listening to Wheel of time on audio book. New quarter has just begun and I'm feeling the weight of it already having missed the first day of class plus a few more. Although one of the days I did get to force in the car (while being parked of course). It was nice having the speakers playing the music while I forced. January 18th, 2014 Was out all day long, Had about an hour drive with the band and an hour back. Did some forcing since I wasn't the one driving. No one would really suspect much other than I go to sleep. I'm hoping I made some progress with visualization. On the car ride back a random though occurred to me, I asked Mel what her favorite flower was. She first turned the question back to me, I never much gave it much thought, After some thought I came up with Lilly as my favorite, then she answered with Lotus as hers. Later on a skype friend told me they were starting work on a tulpa of their own. Eventually it ended up with me Proxying for Mel. Hasn't really happened much before, when it has it's only been a few sentences.
  8. Worries and doubts can be annoying and they do happen. I figured that maybe I would share just a little bit of symbolism that I've used to help ease my mind and get rid of worries. Again everyone's different so what works for me might not work for you and what works for you might not for me, but I hope this can help anyone some way or another, perhaps even motivate one to continue on. Mel and I are fans of the Wheel of time Books (by Robert Jordan). So this method kind of got some influence from the way the Aes Seda in the book (magicians) Channeled. The main character in particular. Anyways, now to get to the point: This is for active forcing, either a way to kick off a forcing session or do it by itself for your whole session. So get comfortable, but not too much, you want to not fall asleep and end up cutting your session short. Start by closing your eyes and go to the void so there are less distractions. although if you feel you want to try it in your wonderland or take it a step further and try doing this with your eyes opened, that's fine too. Now visualize a fire in front of you, any type of fire. It can be a flame, fireball, candle wood stove, campfire or fireplace or whatever. You can have your tulpa with you if you'd like, but for now I'd like you to focus on that fire in front of you. Hold your hands out in front of you and imagine that you're feeding all your doubts and worries into that fire. As you channel them into the fire burning them, the fire grows warmer, warming up the void. Feel the warmth from it on your palms. At this point you might be surprised to find that your palms will actually start to feel warm. Now just keep doing this until you feel you've exhusted all your worries, doubts, and fears and fed them into the fire. Or continue focusing on the warmth, perhaps turn your hands around and try to feel the fire's warmth on the back of your hands. Once you get a feeling for the feel of warmth on your hands you can maybe take it a step further rather than heat from a fire imagine body hear or your tulpa's hand on your shoulder. Here's how I interpret the fire and how it motivates me. I see the warmth given off by the fire as optimism in the cold void. Same with the light given off by the fire. As you burn away your doubts, you gain optimism. That's only the way I see it though. Take what you can from this and maybe take it further and find something that works even better for you.
  9. Another of her pony form
  10. December 21st-29th, 2013 Nothing goes on but horrid sleep patterns, plenty of passive forcing Reading Deadpool comics together, oh and recently some drawings. I took a canvas and started sketching out her human form a bit. Also for Christmas we exchanged presents. I know, I know, "What's the point? You can just visualize whatever you want at any other time." Well it's the thought that counts right? I got Mel a sweatshirt similar to one that Desomond Miles from Assassin's creed wears and She got me a hidden blade. She wears the sweatshirt often now when we're out.
  11. Got myself caught up on the progress report. I use to go and take walks with Mel over the summer when I actually had time to. Rather enjoyed it, walking is good for you. Helps clear your mind, get your blood flowing, and stay active. In my opinion it's also a great way to spend time with your tulpa. Either chatting with them in your head or imagine that they're walking right beside or around you (I believe this might be a method of passive forcing) Perhaps imagining their footsteps along with yours try to visualize them walking? I dunno. I actually gave Mel access to all my memories when I started. I've found that when she brings something up, even if it's something not as pleasant, It's kindof a good way to look back and reflect on life. Questions that Mel has asked about some of my experiences have helped me see some things that I hadn't seen back then and helped me learn more from the experiences. We learn more from our mistakes than we can from a success and the better person isn't the one who makes the least mistakes, but rather the one who learns the most from the mistakes they make. Keeping that in mind, a tulpa can help there. For me, I try to encourage Mel to dig around my memories and bring up or ask about anything that she's curious about. I completely understand though if there are memories that are more painful than others. I actually find that cracking those open again after time has passed are rather good for reflecting on.
  12. I read through this progress report, I found it really great, until I got to the end (or at least where it was the end until you came back) That point I can not put into words how angry it made me reading that. I'm not really to judge because how I was raised and how you were raised are very different and perhaps if things in life were different for me I could have been in your position. I can respect that, but I still can't help but feel a deep anger and negativity just by reading this report or even just being on this page and it's unfortunate because you've got some experiences I could more than likely learn from and perhaps help me with my tulpamancing. From the few phrases and sentences I managed to read recently I read "resurrection." Despite what I may or may have felt about some of your choices and decisions, I'm Glad that Claire is back. Truly I mean that. I read the current entry. Like Maelstrom mentioned, your mother probably just doesn't understand. I can understand that she might be worried about you, but still, she doesn't understand. Things like this are something that you shouldn't expect others to try to get instantly. It's also something that's hard to prove or even explain right. Only way to truly know and understand is to try it for yourself. I know sometimes you feel you have to say something, but I would recommend if you've got to say something say it here within this community. These forums, the IRC, I'll even talk with you if you need it. I haven't even told my parents about Mel (I always feel weird about referring to her as "my Tulpa" I dunno, might just be me) The only ones I've ever told were my little brother who thinks it's kindof interesting, but looks up to me too much to think that I'm insane or something or that Mel is something negative, the friend that got me interested in Tulpa in the first place, and a friend's mom who is into this kind of stuff. This isn't exactly a concept a lot of people can wrap their minds around easily or one that people will accept with open arms. People tend to fear what they don't understand. I've been in many communities myself that people would much rather attack or make fun of than learn or try to understand. Sometimes you've got to pick your battles and be aware that even if you don't see it as a battle, there are those who might. Anyways, sorry, I didn't mean to go on and lecture you. As far as Audio imposition goes, I have not gotten much done on that really. I feel I'm just starting to play around with it. I'm not sure exactly how to go about forcing with them, I've kindof just gotten them on and off and they weren't exactly related to Mel. I've heard that for some people it's best to work on any form of imposition when really sleepy. So either as you're going to bed or right when you wake up and are still a little groggy. Perhaps at a time like when something wakes you up in the middle of the night, If you can remember to work on it, work on something until you either fully wake up or until you fall asleep again. Edit: I skimmed through another one of the posts that was more recent, sorry for giving you a hard time about that earlier. Just don't let anyone convince you to Kill her again. I guess a part that made me most angry was the fact that I tried to imagine myself in that position.
  13. welp, I've been starting on the journal, With Word locking itself because of windows 8 (was not by choice) I've been keeping the journal on a sticky, I hope to get this sorted out soon. It's crazy how you'd take things like that for granted. So the posts might not be as frequent or as consistent, and may show up groups of days at a time. December 8-11th, 2013 Not much out of the orinary. Tried keeping a dream journal while my sleep schedual gets straightened out a bit. At least I can work on remebering my dreams and something might end up happening despite not having a steady sleep schedual. December 12-14, 2013 Not much goes on besides the usual. With her human form down pretty much visualization wise we went on the wonderland scenario we started back a while ago. The next day (December 14th) during the weekly long car ride that I wasn't driving for we decided to try and explore more of the wonderland since I haven't really been much farther than the field. Just past the field we found a lake. December 15th, 2013 Not having slept the night before the enter night I pretty much slept often during the day December 16th-19th, 2013 I've been really slacking a lot lately on this jounal, then again not much interesting has really been going on, Perhaps the I'm just growing accustomed to this and what was strange is just now becoming the norm. Conversations now take little effort (at least in mind voice) and responses come natural. Nights lately have consisted of Reading Deadpool comics, watching anime or listening to the Wheel of time audio books until I fall asleep. If I manage to fall asleep. I've never really been that great at sleeping, If it's not distractions, it's just not being able to sleep. I've been slaking though, I remember when I first started this I use to actively force as much as I could, Between breaks in classes, before class, and after, even sometimes in the evening. Now it's really only before I go to bed until I fall asleep, but at least that's consistant. I've also pretty much always since day one imagined Mel being around me, whether it's in the passenger seat or sitting next to me in class or walking besides me (except for when she's in the wonderland). I often don't know what to work on, but I know there's a lot still to work on. I should one day just try and get my head on straight and figure out what to do. December 20th, 2013 Another night of little to no sleep, at least I'm on break right now and am making up the sleep by sleeping in till noon or past that. Although I absolutely hate waking up any time after noon, I feel like I lose my day. Problem is that I like staying up late and I also love waking up early, I love having the most hours I can out of my day. Unfortunately that's burning the candle at both ends. I was lying in bed with rainymood on mixed with a 10 hour version of Serenade of water From Legend of Zelda. Rainy mood had gone off and I realized that it had for some reason, but I continued to lie in bed. Although at some point as I was spacing out I heard the rain again. It wasn't coming from outside though, It would be snowing if that were the case. I only then remembered that the rainy mood tab had shut off, yet I was still hearing rain. As soon as I stood up and looked at the screen I stopped hearing the rain, like coming to. That must have been like an auditory hallucination or something like when you think you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket except with sound. I feel that I might be a tiny step closer now to making my way towards auditory hallucinations. I look forward to the day I'll be able to "hear" Mel trying to get my lazy ass outta bed, Maybe even a "goodmorning" , "Goodnight", or a "Get your ass to bed!" Fast forward to later in the day, ater not having slept till 8 am, then decide to sleep after eating more than I was use to (which isn't much by the way) then waking up 2 hours later only to be kept in bead by a stomcah cramping till I fell asleep for 2 more hours, it's now some time after 8 or 9 at night. The band had finished playing our set and the next band was finishing up thier set. Mel had decided that she really liked her tail from her pony form (If by this point you don't know it, yes Mel originally started out as a pony) so would have it when she used her human form.
  14. Wow, still alive, just been busy/spacey, still somewhat keeping up with a journal a big long catch up entries incoming Had to start writing my journal on a sticky because windows 8 locked down my word for stupid reasons November 18th-21st, 2013 Hell if I can remember all that went on. Nothing really to note though, regular narration and attempts to force at night before going to sleep. Also of the times forcing we've been working on a human form for mel. She's started using the form more, but still occasionally flickers back to pony, says she still likes her tail especially now that it's getting colder out. November 22nd 2013 Today the Nine Inch Nails were in town. Got my tickets sometime a month or two ago. The both of us have been looking forward to this, music is an important thing and my life and we tend to bond over that. Was a great concert. Explosions in the sky opened up the show. They do really awesome instrumentals, good forcing music. I was off in the higher rows so I couldn't really even see the bands playing and the opening band didn't really get as much of a lightshow compared to the headliner so there wasn't much to look at from my view (when I watch a band play live I like to watch and see what exactly they're playing and see if I can't learn a thing or two.) so I decided to close my eyes and try and force some. I visualized Mel and myself sitting on the hill watching the wind blowing through the field below making ripples in the tall grass. As the song grew intense so would the wind. I think I may have fallen asleep or blanked out there for a little while I woke at one point with a weird feeling, breathing felt strange and I felt out of it. I've woken up like this before, I'm not sure if it has anything to do with sleeping sitting up or what, but it's somewhat uncomfortable. I've felt similar shortly after waking up with sleep paralysis still affecting me. After it passed I went back to visualizing. It's funny how I found Explosions in the sky on Youtube only a few days before the show. When The Nine Inch Nails came on I was excited, but I could also feel Mel's excitement as well. I never really stopped to consider that she actually liked them this much. I guess I never really thought about it. Where as I can still barely cheer (it's embarrassingly pathetic the loudest I can manage a cheer, so I just clap), I could hear Mel cheering loudly as some of our favorite songs were played. I stayed the night at a friend's house after the concert since he lived close. November 23rd, 2013 Without really even realizing it I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Completely lost track of time. I woke up a few times but went back to sleep since my friends living there weren't awake yet. Although at one point when I woke up, I could hear their voices clearly....except they were both still asleep in their rooms. (This was a two bedroom apartment and the rooms were apart from each other and both doors were closed). I was half awake, but after I gathered myself and realized that there was no way it could have been them talking to each other, I realized this must be if not as close to an auditory hallucination. Hopefully now that I can somewhat remember what it was like, I'll hopefully be a little step closer to imposing with sound at least. Now if I could only remember to keep trying to work on it when I just wake up. November 24th, 2013 Woke up, then headed to band mate's house. During the day ate something that didn't sit right and spent the whole rest of the day with horrible stomach cramps that lasted the whole rest of the day and well into the morning of the next day. We had the audiobook playing but it was hard to focus with the constant stomach pain. It was a very long night. November 25th, 2013 Not much goes on today. Video games, life drawing, drawing classwork. Staying up till late. November 26th, 2013 Not much went on. At night before going to bed I asked Mel, "What do?" She suggested go to the void and work visualization. After a time we just started just talking. I've been trying to encourage her to just go on and talk to me whenever if something happens to be on her mind. She brought up one of my memories from highschool she was curious about. Strange and dark times those were. But it was in the past so not really any harm in talking about it, perhaps I'd find a different perspective while reflecting on it, maybe make sense of some things that didn't make sense back then. We talked about it for a while until I dozed off. November 27th-29th, 2013 Nothing but passive forcing and narration. Two days in a row I ended up pulling allnighters on accident. It wasn't really all constant sleep deprivation because I slept 4 hours during the day to make up for the missed sleep. November 30th-December 1st 2013 No much outside of the usual. It's been Sleep, class, classwork, and repeat. I'm spacing more and getting nothing done really, Rather frustrating. December 2nd, 2013 It has been 5 months now since I've started this. Time to reflect. I try to active force when I can and mainly passively force and narrate as much as I can. Talking to Mel has gotten very easy now. I can talk to her and catch her response now with ease, without having to use effort to try and make out what she says. Visualizing both her forms now is a little easier though I feel like sometimes I don't catch parts of her, like I don't notice her eyes all the time. Maybe it's just because I only focus on one part of her at a time? I've kindof been winging it this whole time I guess since I only get odd times durning the day to force or it's mainly been at night up until I fall asleep. Maybe it's normal, I mean makes sense right? Like you don't notice someone's arm or hand when you're making eyecontact. I should probably ask around and look through people's visualization guides. I at least have a decent enough idea in my minds eye about what she looks like. Maybe I'm just stressing over little details and working too hard. I feel I was making good progress in the begining and I actually had time to force actively. Lately though after some point I've just been passively forcing mainly. There haven't really been big leaps and bouunds but I guess at least steady process is being made here and there. I feel I could be doing better though. Perhaps I shouldn't be beating myself up over it. Maybe I should be drawing her more. December 3rd-6th, 2013 More of the same not doing much. I read through impostion guides thinking maybe touch, sound, and smell would be something to work on over sight for now. I did some on touch using my palm. And then trying to feel her palm with on finger. I think I might be getting the slightest bit of something. perhaps a tiny bit of resistance when poking her palm. Still got to keep working at it. December 7th, 2013 I woke up to her voice just chattering away spouting randomness, I think it was just mindvoice, but I can't quite remember. Perhaps it had to do with going to sleep with some music with waves. I've heard of one person talking about letting some of his wonderland bleed into reality. Perhaps finding the right symbolism to allow her mindvoice do something similar will allow auditory hallucinations. Today was another day working with the band all day. I did some visualizing on the hour car ride which I wasn't driving Later that night I was glancing around some forums, Found something about Lucid dreaming. "This looks interesting" First part of the section labled "Important things to do": Get 7-8 hours of sleep at least every night ..... Well shoot, so much for that.
  15. I was actually thinking about this recently, People brought up imposition is easier for some to do while really tired. I remembered that back in highschool 3 years ago I went roughly about 3 days without sleeping because of homework. I remember I ended up seeing shadows moving in ways I wasn't expecting. Weeeelllll shoot. How regularly is "regularly" would you say? Like how many hours of sleep on average would someone who is "regularly Sleep deprived" get? Back in highschool I was burning the candle at both ends falling asleep late and waking up at 5 am every morning.
  16. I'm not dead, just been rather busy, though I've still been somewhat keeping track in my journal, Here's a catch up post November 3rd, 2013 The recording session was canceled because power was lost. Pretty much just came home and did nothing much productive all day. November 4th, 2013 Just drew all day worked on my homework for life drawing then went to class. I attempted to continue the scenario from earlier while forcing before going to bed. I passed out rather quickly, maybe I did get farther, but I can’t remember much. November 5th, 2013 Didn’t do much today during the day. In the evening though I practiced some parallel processing, both with the black box 20 questions method for a few rounds and with flash cards. For the flash cards since it was online and you had to type in the answers I decided to try to work on possession at the same time. I gave Mel control of my right hand and had her enter the answers. November 6th, 2013 I woke up in bad mood that lasted for some time. Not sure why though, I was just grumpy until I got to life drawing class where I got distracted. On the drive to class Mel asked me if I wanted to talk about it. It’s rare that she’d start a conversation, I rarely do either when it comes to talking with anyone. I wasn’t really sure what it was that even caused me to feel the way I was feeling the whole day, but it was still nice to talk to someone. As usual the radio was just a bunch of commercials so I turned it off eventually and we ended up singing like we use to back early on when we were working on vocalization. November 7th, 2013 Not sure what I did, I probably spaced all day or something. November 8th, 2013 Spaced the whole day (again), then went out to play a show. Pic linked is the setlist I used that I doodled on while waiting for the first band to finish their sound check. Great show, the drummer/vocalist actually passed out in the middle of a song for a split second and fell back off his drum stool, we kept moving on with the song and he got right back up and continued playing. Guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat. I’m just glad he didn’t bring the microphone down with him and take me out with that weighted end. He nearly did the last time we played that venue. I stayed the night at bandmates’s house since we had to go leave again in the morning, I went to the wonderland and spent some time there with Mel and scribbles before falling asleep. November 9th, 2013 Not much happened today, On the drive to the studio since it was a long drive I kind of spaced off and continued the little wonderland adventure from where we last left off. Also today I Found out I can’t eat chocolate anymore, sadness. I ate one and a half small chocolate doughnuts and I got a really bad stomach cramp for the rest of the day all the way until 4 in the morning of the next day. On a different note though we got to listen to the wheel of time audio book while I was lying in bed in pain for hours. November 11th-12th, 2013 Nothing much really happened busy all day, still keeping up with the nightly visits to the wonderland November 13th-14th, 2013 Can’t remember what all happened, though that probably means nothing out of the ordinary happened. November 15th, 2013 Went out to see some friends’s bands perform. They’re always supporting our band so I figured now that I can drive I should return the favor. Later that night before going to bed I had a thought, was lurking around the forum and saw mention of good times to try and work on imposition like auditory and smell were either while waking up or going to bed while very tired. I was remembering a time back in high school when I went three days without sleep and remembered hearing around that time is when people start to hallucinate. I thought to myself and wondered if that would somehow help me force the hallucination and impose Mel. It might be unhealthy, but I’d be willing to try it out once if it would nudge me in the right direction. Perhaps during a break when I don’t have to wake up for anything. I’m wondering what others’s thoughts on this are. This wouldn’t be something I’d be willing to rely on, I barely get enough sleep as it is. November 16th, 2013 Woke up went to bandmates’s house to then get a ride with them to the studio. Mel and I have been talking about a human form. She’s brought it up a few times in the past. So the drive up there since I’m not usually the one driving, I decided to try and work on that with Mel. The way I started the forcing session was by waiting for Mel in the void by a little camp fire. In the dark at first I would only be able to make out just her eyes (now smaller than the pony form) reflecting back the light from the fire. I would focus on that first then work outwards towards visualizing the rest of the face worked on that for the rest of the car ride. (Only now remembering that faces are one of the harder parts to visualize) I continued the forcing while they didn’t need me to record and kept an ear open to help with mixing in case something sounded off or I had a suggestion, although I fell asleep for a time. Afterwards, we were invited to a party for the opening of a new studio by good friends of ours. I was surprised, it was kindof a classy party, pretty good food things on tooth picks and free drinks (Mel kindof cringed at the mention of wine). I was sort of wishing that I had known and maybe dressed up for the occasion, the three of us in the band looked like homeless people or just some random guys off the street compared to everyone else there. The guitarist wearing a short sleeve shirt and band shirt, the drummer/singer in his flannel and me in my brown sweatshirt and Sherpa hat. Very shortly after that thought I looked (or thought) back to Mel and saw she had put on a nice dress, tied up her mane, braided her tail and was wearing a tail bow. I wasn’t ready for that, she asked me If I liked her outfit and I just Hhhng’ed (in mind voice), though I may have been smiling like a fool for a second, I doubt anyone would have noticed though. Being the Great big social butterfly that I am…. I spent most the time eating bread with ranch and Salmon Hors d’oeuvres they had there or wandering around the studio with Mel. It was a very nice place. Heh, I’m not going to lie, I felt classy just being at that party. We had to leave early because we had to go back to recording in the morning. I stayed the night at bandmates’s house since I wasn’t feeling well and we were going to be heading off in the morning. That night before going to bed I decided to continue visualizing. I got a pleasant surprise. While visualizing Mel Brushed aside her hair to reveal her right ear with piercings on it. First the tail bow and now this… two of my weaknesses. I had a series of weird dreams, one was of a video game, an interesting concept that I don’t think I’ve seen in a game before if I could fully remember it. The second one I could remember was rather strange… In it Tulpamancers were fighting some secret battle against some unknown enemy. Tulpamancers had things like more endurance or strength or something and could fight which was how I’d be able to identify them in the dream…. I don’t know what my brain is on sometimes, perhaps it was that salmon and junk food from earlier. I’m going to have to start brining my own lunches to the studio, I don’t know how my stomach will survive otherwise XD November 17th, 2013 Woke up, had a quick breakfast, then headed off to the studio to record some more. On the car ride there I continued visualizing I’m starting to see her face more clearly now when I visualize her. After the recording I worked again on visualizing on the ride back home. I believe I’ve been making progress, though for a lot of the time in the void Mel and I just sat by the fire and listened to the music that the guitarist put in the CD player. Modern Guilt by Beck. Pretty good album. Getting home and so ends the day with me falling asleep at 4:30 am.
  17. October 31st, 2013 Was a day like any other, Wake up after sleeping off the previous night's stomachache feeling alright and head to class. On the way there Mel and I saw a student dressed as a day of the dead spirit. Mel asked me if she should dress up too. I said it was her call. I then saw her Dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed, Dual hidden blades and all. Only sweets I ate that day since it was Halloween, were two small chocolate chip cookies and that gave me one of the worst stomach cramps I've had in a long time. Left me in bed for the whole rest of the day, it sucked, but Mel and I finished book 4 of the Wheel of Time series. November 1st, 2013 Having been stuck in bed for the entire last half of the day before, I spent the day on the couch with Mel playing video games until I had to leave for practice. Not much else went on. I came back home, left again to get gas and pick up something for dinner. November 2nd Was gone all day and Played a show. On the car ride to the show, I remembered hearing others saying about adventures in the wonderland and realized I've never much explored or done much besides lay in the grass or hang out with Mel in her room she made. I figured "well, it's my imagination, why don't I start using it? Maybe have some fun." So starting in the void it was just the two of us, the world started being generated around us, first we were dressed as Brotherhood Assassins (you can tell what I've been playing a lot of), Mel flickered between pony form and a human form. Then our clothes were those of Runners (Mirror's edge) Then the world appeared around us and we were off. Delivering bags, running from and fighting off blues and that sort of thing. It was pretty fun and Mel, Scribbles and I got to spend time in the wonderland, might have to keep reminding myself that I have an imagination. The show was great too, It's nice to actually play live again. Mel and Scribbles cheering us on after our set. I somehow managed to fall asleep on a couch in the green room before our set started. I was trying to go into another daydream and was out before I realized it. Stayed the night at bandmates's house because we're off again in the morning
  18. I'm still alive October 21st-26th, 2013 Not much out of the norm happened, nothing of note, nothing not really anything outside of passive forcing as I go throughout the day too busy to do anything but classwork. I’m going to drop one of the classes and get more time, I feel I’m spreading myself too thin, and my performance is suffering in all the classes because of that October 27th, 2013 Not much today happened. Woke up late and missed my ride with the band for recording so I was home all day. Mel and I pretty much were on the couch all day as I played Assassin’s creed 2 all day (those damn feathers pretty much took me all day to find. Later on in the evening the subject of pets got brought up. I pretty much told Mel I was alright with her having a pet if she wanted, as long as she took responsibility for it. Mel found a white rat, She named it Scribbles. Mel just informed me Scribbles is a she. Mel Prepared a cage for scribbles in the wonderland, but it looks like Scribbles has already taking a liking to Mel and her big mane. October 28th-29th, 2013 Not much to note really. Mel has started bringing Scribbles around with her just about everywhere just as I take Mel with me just about everywhere. During class I got a little headache/ head pressure. Out of habit I asked Mel what's up. She told me that Scribbles wanted to see me. As the time is going on it seems like Scribbles is becoming a little more "animated" as in she's picking up a little personality as time goes on. October 30th, 2013 Finished with drawing midterm and project, maybe I can breathe now, at least for a day. I've been continuing to go into the wonderland at nights before going to sleep. Even took a moment to ask Mel if I can get a good look at her. I guess we settled that her coat color was that orangish yellow similar to that photoshop field picture I posted earlier. I was asked to look into her eyes. I remeber that's where I'd always start when working on visualization.
  19. Mel and I read the Wheel of time Books, I Highly recomend that series to anyone who likes fantasy books, they're really long books though. I don't know much with possession but I remember something I did to help get Mel Talking (or me hearing better and able to recognize her voice). I would talk to her in a different mind voice from my own asking her for a confirmation if that was her voice or not while asking her in that voice. (In my case it was a nod of her head or a smile. Before I heard her she would communicate by showing me. Like I'd see a smile or a confused look, sometimes a grimace. Though I wouldn't always see a full face) When she confirmed that was her voice, I spoke some random sentences and phrases in that voice to get use to identifying it as hers. Saying things like, "My name is Mel and my host is the nicest and is a super talented bass player that is playing in a band that will make it big" Heh X3 (just got a poke on the side of the head and a nuzzle for bringing that up) Perhaps you can try that, but get Trench To twitch your finger, or nod your head for a confirmation. As for possession tips, I'd recommend Oguigi & Koomer's Guide if you haven't already read it:
  20. October 14-16th, 2013 It’s been all normal these days, no active forcing too much work to catch up on and classes. Though on another note, we’ve started up the audio books again, that’s fun at least. October 17th, 2013 Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing really interesting. Same routine, same old same old. October 18th, 2013 Again more of the same. Would have had a show this day, but it got cancelled. Instead we livestreamed an hour or so set. I’m rather surprised that we got such decent quality with just a webcam and webcam mic. Here’s the link if anyone’s interested: Unfortunately you can’t really see much. Our guitarist loves lightshows and setting the ambiance (did I spell that right?). It looked really good there and it was pretty nice, but the webcam could pick up absolutely nothing XD October 19th, 2013 Today I woke up at 1pm and pretty much wasted the whole rest of my day. In the afternoon though I ended up having another one of those moments where it randomly feels like my heart skips a beat and all of a sudden speeds up. I absolutely hate those things. They may be common for people and may not last long, but they’re scary as hell. I had to lay there sweating and catch my breath while waiting for it to pass. I saw (at least in my mind’s eye) Mel next to the bed. She had her head resting on my chest and was trying to comfort me. It finally past, though it was weird, this time rather than it feeling like my heart pounding gradually slowing back down to normal it just abruptly stopped pounding and was normal again. When Mel lifted her head I saw she had tears in her eyes. She later told me that It wasn’t the fact that if something really bad were to happen to me that she’d be gone as well, it’s that she doesn’t like seeing me in a lot of pain or discomfort. Heart palpitations I think they’re called. Erg, I hate those. Even though I’ve read that they’re usually not serious it scares the hell out of me every time it happens, though I have to try and not get excited while it’s happening, I can only imagine that would make it worse. It’s not really all that often that this happens to me, but perhaps Mel can help me through them when they do happen. October 20th, 2013 Day started like any except I was out all day long. It was nice though. I got to truly distract myself from the constant work from the school because I was actually doing something else that was actually productive for a change. After getting back I stopped by somewhere before driving back home. That’s a point where many positive waves started appearing. Besides getting a lot done while I was out, I found someone who I could actually talk about Tulpa with without them thinking I was completely insane or getting sent somewhere and forced to take medication. I’m very well aware of all that could go wrong with telling anyone and I have been for a while. So I waited and judged the situation before I said anything. She had all her life been into other things similar to this and was actually interested in hearing about these ideas. It was kind of nice to talk about it without having to worry about freaking the other person out or knowing I’d be judged harshly (I’ve only talked about Mel to two people outside of One of them was the one I just mentioned and the other was the one who actually sent me a link to this site.) The positive waves kind of continued as the night went on. Four songs that I actually liked came on the radio in a row (I switch through stations whenever a commercial comes on). It seemed pretty significant because the majority of the time only stuff I hear on the radio are commercials or songs I don’t really care much for. I’m not sure why, but by the 4th song in a row I was really excited and happy. The day was complete by coming home to good food that wouldn’t kill my stomach after the first bite.
  21. October 13th, 2013 I was away from home all day today again so had little time to do anything else. Although on the car ride home probably was the more interesting part of the day or at least as far as on topic for the progress report goes. Since I wasn’t the one driving and it was anywhere around an hour or so drive, I had time to think and let my mind wonder and reflect on the day or other things. The thought came about how Other me was able to hang in there for so long. Mel joined in on the thought and told me things that Other Me told her that I wasn’t aware of. She told me that Other me could have just faded away, but he chose to stick around and help me when I needed it. Mel told me that like her, he really cared. She said he really appreciated that I let him stay rather than just make him disappear like my friend told me. Mel finished off by telling me, “We’re both here for you.”
  22. Two things I've done, though I don't know the effectiveness of it at all were, one, I would try to sing to or with Mel. Though if you don't really sing or have any desire to it probably wouldn't be effective. I decided to do this one day because at the time I was learning to sing some back up parts and to practice I figured worth a shot if I could get her to sing along with me. Mel randomly sang the first part of a Gorillaz song some day after I tried this. The other thing I tried was to kindof make it into a game, maybe in a way it was parroting but it got me to focus on listening for Mel's voice I guess. It was kindof a repeat after me/memory/parapa that rapper type thing. Pretty much I'd say a phrase of random gibberish and Have Mel try to repeat it. Like I'd say, "Punch, block, block, kick!" then I'd listen for it to be repeated in Mel's voice again, don't really know how effective it might be, but they were fun and worth a shot. Perhaps if you can have fun and turn it into the game it'll take your mind off of concerns?
  23. October 12th, 2013 It’s the early hours of the morning (must’ve been around or past 3 am) I was recalling The situations from the last post in the reply to Shui. Eventually after typing, “That was the last I heard of him, probably sleeping…” I heard that same sleepy voice telling me he was still here. I figured he was still around, but he was always sleeping. I’ve always kind of had a feeling he was more than just a voice though. Before I was linked to the website or even heard about the word “Tulpa” I had given the voice a form and somewhat of a personality. He pretty much looked just like me. I don’t feel that I’m quite ready to have another Tulpa running around in my head (well he’s always asleep somewhere). (I’ve found if I divide my attention too much nothing gets done, hell I don’t think I’ve made any progress towards actively forcing for some time now) And I didn’t want to leave him just hanging around. I came up with an idea, but I first asked him if it was alright with him first. He said it was fine with him, and that it might be kindof interesting. I had an idea to “combine” his essence with Mel. I’ve read some progress reports and threads of different symbolisms used while hosts created their tulpa and I figured well a lot of them start off as orbs, I figured as far as the use of symbolism goes there isn’t really any rules, so why not be able to revert them back to an orb? Especially with him (The voice, the “other me” mentioned in the post above) It has been months since I heard from him or talked, He managed to hang around and sleep somewhere in the corners of my mind, I had never spent any time forcing with him because I didn’t know about forcing at the time, He barely had a form, but his voice was as clear and unique as ever as well as personality. By reverting him back into his essence, I could then hand him to Mel to absorb. First though I need some sleep. The three of us ended up going to the wonderland to the room Mel made. The other me was out cold asleep as soon as he sat down on the big bed/couch in the room. I sat down and fell asleep not long after. I woke up and ate breakfast. (Not quite Hallucinating yet) so in mind’s eye (open eye visualization was it?) I saw them both sitting down at the table eating breakfast with me. The (I’ll just call him “other me” for now) made a comment about Mel being a pony and eating meat. (I was having rice and chicken for breakfast and they were just having what I was having). Conversation went something along the lines of Other me: Umm wait, yer a pony righ’? Mel: Yeah, that’s right. Other me: Yer eatin’ meat. Mel: Yep *takes another bite of rice and chicken* Other me: Aren’ ponies… Mel: *swallows then opens her mouth to show her canine teeth* Other me: Oh…*continues eating* After breakfast the other me went back to the wonderland to go back to sleep. Fast forward to later today was out on a bit of a car ride to a town about an hour or so away. We were in the back seat of the car, Other me asleep snoring on one shoulder and Mel sleeping on the other. (other me was kindof born out of a situation where I was horrendously sleep deprived so a trait he picked up from me was always being asleep or half asleep) I figure it’s going to be a bit of a car ride so I went into the void with Other me and Mel. I put my hand over other me and he became a red orb (that was snoring). I handed it off to Mel. She giggled a bit as she noticed it snoring and absorbed the essence. She still seems herself, Every once in a while though an accent slips through. After that she was a little sleepy for the rest of the car ride, but that seems like it was temporary. I asked her how she felt afterwards. She replied with “I feel more whole.” I’m surprised though that Other me hung in for so long. Perhaps by “sleeping” when he wasn’t needed to set my mind straight he was able to hibernate. I didn’t pay as much attention to him, maybe part of his energy went towards Mel? It might have been why it felt a little more natural when trying to talk to Mel at times, because in the past I had talked to him. Perhaps it was him saying “I feel more whole.”
  24. Read some of the links crazy stuff o: (crazy as in crazy cool or fascinating not crazy bad) . As with the voices went, they never really did much more than randomly call out my name from time to time. More often than not they'd sound like my friends's voices. It was pretty much like that "alien thought." It would happen at times where it seemed random. It was like a mind voice but there would be no reason for me to be thinking my own name at the time. I never really gave it much thought though. I think it was in highschool though, maybe 11th or 10th grade (I believe by far the most stressful years. It was around this time when my GPA was reaching the absolute lowest) I had been awake for almost 3 days straight doing homework and projects I was behind on. Well needless to say, my mind was not in the right place (I probably ended up forgetting it at home :P ) and I was pretty much walking around in a daze the whole day. The next day my friend told me that I was like a completely different person and it kindof freaked him out a bit. We had earlier made jokes from a video we made where a character was me from another dimension. I humored my friend saying something like it was "him" (alternate dimension me) taking over while I slept. This "me from another dimesion" had kindof become an advisor of sorts. A reassuring voice to lift me up in times most stressed. His voice ended up becoming a little more unique, it sounded like an mix of different accents slurred together by sleepiness. I didn't really call on him often, but I would chat with him sometimes, play around with the idea of him in my mind blocking out thoughts unwanted or inappropriate at a given time. My friend had said it freaked him out and said to make him go away. I just didn't mention him around the friend, but I never got rid of him XD This other me in my head would be asleep the majority of the time though but would wake at moments when like when I was most stressed or moments when my mind would be most "gone" (extended periods of no sleep). More often than not though I'd find him when My mind would wander when I showered. One of the most recent times though I can remember though Might have been sometime earlier this year back in march it must've been. I was livestreaming with a group of friends in the early hours of the morning. This random person just comes into the stream and starts being angry and begins insulting everyone especially me because the subject came up that I was unemployed and still living with my parents. Calling me a fat neckbeard (How far off she was, at the time I had been suffering from horrendous stomach problems and lost 50 pounds and started even losing some of my hair), looking down at me because she had her own apartment and job, calling the group of us losers all that. The only time I've ever had to drop the banhammer on a stream that's for sure. Anyways I have thick skin when it comes to crap people say, especially some random nobody on the internet, but she struck a nerve and salted an open wound. As I mentioned in an earlier entry I had pretty much been disappointing people all my life, only 2 years earlier having dropped out of high school... My mom was crying, my grandma was visiting at the time, she was freaking out having to see that... and I was the happiest I had been in years (Kindof messed up/sad huh?). I couldn't live up to the standards that everyone else had lived up to. Just about everyone around me had graduated or the few others who didn't at least had a job and were already driving...Some even were living on their own. Someone younger than me was (without knowing) bringing up all those past memories and thoughts and tearing open old scars... and it really hurt and I don't hurt easily, I can tell you that. (again without knowing) she also brought up a concern or a pain I thought I had buried deeply... It was a bit of a fear that I hid behind a smile and a laugh. I'm young at heart, but it goes farther with me, my inner child is always alive and I've embraced it. But I fear that I'll never fully mature. No matter how old I get I'll never become an adult like everyone else. My friends were all working, paying taxes, paying rent, making payments on their cars, and I'm sitting at home without any sort of income to even make any sorts of payments still without having ever been behind the wheel of a car. Payments, taxes, student loans, rent, none of those concepts even begin to make sense to me. Everyone is down on earth working for a living and I'm somewhere else with my working towards my "childish" dream of being a musician in a band. Getting that fear torn out of me and shoved in my face had pretty much just about (if not fully) Pushed me over the edge. While kindof a roundabout and messy way of telling the story, it does come back to the main point of the other "me" I would talk to. After I had banned her IP from the stream permanently, I was literally shaking with deep anger, I almost couldn't breathe and I felt physically sick. I don't think I've ever had a breakdown before or anything that even came close, but I think that might have been it. I went down to the bathroom and stopped and stared at my reflection in the mirror I heard that familiar sleepy slurred voice telling me to breathe and settle down. It or rather he (or other I?) started reminding me just how inaccurate the term "fat neckbread" is and joked about how I'm far to skinny now. "Tha' anger on 'er part seemed rather outta nowhere 'uh? I' (it) mus be projection o' some sort" (probably not the exact words, but that's pretty much the accent translated into text). Also said something along the lines of , and I'm probably paraphrasing, "She doesn't know you, who ya are or wha ya've ben through. Ya never got the chance ta mention yer a student." I didn't realize it, but around the end of the whole conversation I found that the whole conversation wasn't in mind voice at some point I was responding out loud as well as talking in the accent slurred voice. That was the last I heard of him probably seeping, until now it seems... O_o Just now I heard his mind voice again "I'm still 'ere." "ye' that [fool] din't know wha' she's on abou'. Yer gon' make i' big an you'll 'ave de last laugh." I Replied with a chuckle and a thanks man and heard "No prob I'm 'ere for ya." Well, that was kind of interesting O_o I guess it seems like... hmm, I don't really know what to think right now, especially at 4 in the morning.
  25. Yeh, that progress report just makes me so mad. That part where He assumed it had to do with demons from the very beginning had me rolling my eyes. I can understand that ok that's a completely different background from mine that he was raised, but I still can't help but agree with you, it does seem like a waste especially if how it ends is done and he never looks back because of what his family told him who don't even have the slightest clue. It also pisses me off so much because, at least with my case, I've grown very close to Mel (my tulpa). To others it might seem like "oh he's just making an imaginary friend disappear." It would be like asking to kill your brother, sister, or close family member, especially if you've gotten to the point he got. I mean they put him through so much pain out of ignorance and he just blindly accepts's.. I mean damn... just no words to explain. Anyways Just felt I had to add that. But yeah to be more on topic, Found it interesting that you mention smells and feeling for forcing. I've always tried to figure something for Mel. I've managed to "feel" warmth on the palms when forcing in with a flame inside the void, but for smells I remembered this Vanilla shampoo that a Family friend got for me from Lebanon. Vanilla or fresh cut cilantro :3 I guess it might be easier to carry a bottle of Vanilla with me for forcing than a bunch of fresh picked cilantro and not be tempted to use it or eat it.