dyingembers

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  1. Wow, yeah, that sounds like it alright. And yeah, I think I'm going to take your advice and just concentrate on Patricia and Beth. Although I dunno if Beth's even still here to tell you the truth. I'm getting frustrated. I just had a forcing session where Patricia and I tried to coax Beth out of her sleep but the others kept butting in. We didn't make much headway with Beth-- she just kept falling back asleep. And the worst part? I don't even feel like I care that much. For the past three years I've been watching that stupid show and I've come to kind of think of Patricia and Fabian and Nina and all the rest as friends. I know that sounds nuts... but now that I'm actually talking to them (well, not them-- people who look like them and talk like them and think a bit like them)... I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know if I want to wake Beth from sleep, I don't know if she was ever there in the first place... All I know: I like Patricia and I want her to stay. In the few days she's been here she's been a good friend. I don't know about the rest of them or where they all came from, and if they want to show up and talk sometimes, fine. I think they're rather hurt about all this though. Patricia doesn't see why I need to tell you guys about them, or her. She's protective of Beth, and she wants the rest to stay, and to be honest I want them all to too. I don't know.
  2. Okay, I can do that. The thing is, whenever I reach for Beth, Patricia's always there instead. I feel bad for saying this but I kinda like Patricia better. She's more, I dunno... she's nothing like me. It's refreshing. And she's talkative. Whenever I'm trying to talk to someone else she always butts in. Sigh. I dunno. I guess I'd like to believe they're tulpae. I have thought of them all constantly for the past three years, ever since the show came on... maybe that was some form of meditation? I dunno why Patricia's the one who's constantly trying to talk to me though. It's not like she's my favorite character or anything. I guess I'll give it a couple days and see if this is temporary. Maybe my mind has grabbed onto the fact that I've been talking to people in my head and decided to have fun with it. I really hope they're actually tulpae though-- or something like tulpae. It's fun talking to them all. I thought it would be hard to have a bunch of people in your head at the same time, but with these guys it's actually pretty easy to figure out who's talking-- they all have such distinct voices and mannerisms, likes and dislikes, opinions...
  3. I'm so confused with what's going on in my head right now. On the 14th I was writing House of Anubis fanfiction (Nina/Fabian if you were wondering) and suddenly a voice pops into my head that goes "Fabian would never do that." But it wasn't Beth. It had a British accent and was slightly whiny, and was very recognizable-- it was Patricia, who was also from House of Anubis. So I was like, cool, another tulpa? Although I hadn't done any meditation on her and she was vocal without me even trying. I started up a conversation with her and found she was almost the same as the Patricia from the show-- sarcastic, pessimistic, protective. It was nice because when I imposed her in my mind's eye I could see her exact expression and facial features, which was more than I can say for Beth, as I can't picture her face pretty clearly. So I started treating her like a tulpa and introduced her to Beth. I could tell Beth didn't like her very much. However after a few hours she had warmed up to her, and Patricia and her were best friends, flirting even. But then I started feeling like I was losing Beth. Before, it was easy to sense her presence, but suddenly it was drowned out by Patricia's. Patricia was louder, mush more opinionated, and overall easier to hold a conversation with. I was worried about Beth but not as much as I should've been. And then, the next day, ALL OF THEM STARTED APPEARING. Nina, Fabian, Amber, Alfie-- those are the ones that have showed up so far. They pop in, tell me stuff, give me input on something, flirt, fight, disappear. And then come back again the next time they want something. Only Patricia sticks around. She's the one that answers when I say good morning, or tries to calm me down when I'm having anxiety (she fails miserably. Beth and Fabian are better at it. Nina sometimes, when she's not panicking and going "this is bad. This is very very bad,") But the thing is, Beth is barely there. No one really talks to her except Patricia and me, and I constantly have to ask where she is because she doesn't appear on her own. Patricia's even more worried about her than I am, I think. When I see Beth she's mostly tired or sleeping. I feel like they're sucking out her energy or something. Can that happen? Or is it because Patricia and the others are so much easier to visualize and talk to and stuff? So what the hell's going on in my head? Are they even tulpas??????? Have you ever heard of something like this happening? A bunch of people appearing in someone's head all at once??? It's not like there are voices talking in my head constantly or anything-- mostly I have to be concentrating on them to get replies. Mostly. So does anyone have any input? I'd greatly appreciate it.
  4. So Beth's an artist. She draws constantly, and always wants me to draw too, even though most of the time I want to write instead. (And guess what she draws with? You guessed it. A red pen/marker/colored pencil. She likes to mark up all my walls with red. I keep telling her it looks kinda like blood but you know) So we came up with this thing to do in class when we're bored. I dunno if someone has come up with this yet, (it's pretty simple) but here it is: We worked out a way for her to doodle on my papers in real life (without posessing). Basically Beth will show me with her mind where to put the line, and I'll draw it, and we'll go line by line until we make a picture. Most of the time I have absolutely no idea what she's trying to draw at first (it looks like a mess of random lines) but after a while it'll turn up looking like a penguin or a duck or something. (She really likes animals, it seems.) So yeah.
  5. I only can see her with my mind's eye so far, sadly. We haven't even attempted real imposition yet--we want to get full visualization and vocalization down before that. She's pretty vocal, but only when I'm directly focusing on her. Yeah, me too! I kind of fantasized that we'd be able to switch and she'd take over when I'd have to present something to the class, or make speeches and stuff... or talk to people when I can't... but using her to do that probably wouldn't be very nice. Yeah. Not even gonna attempt that. Although she'd probably do it for me if I asked... But we're nowhere near switching yet. Or possessing. Only two months in, or one month and a half if you count the time I wasn't forcing.
  6. So I've had Beth for about two months now. I started forcing her back in July. Back then she was Valerie, brown-haired, shy, understanding. That's what I meant her to be like anyway. Then I had to stop forcing for a while because of personal reasons. She had already gained sentience and was a little bit vocal when I abandoned her. Then about a month and a half ago I found the binder where I had printed out a bunch of guides and stuffed them in there, and I got really sad all of a sudden, and then that old familiar rush of longing I got when I had first heard about tulpas filled me again. I have social anxiety, and for that reason it's really hard for me to make and keep friends. It's actually really hard for me to make any posts on this website, but Beth is pretty insistent I should write this. I guess the idea of having a tulpa, having a friend that'll always be there--listen to you, support you--appealed to me. I didn't just want her for the friendship, although that was a big part of it, but I also wanted her so she could encourage me to be more social and not be so afraid of things. So far it's working. So anyway. I started forcing her again, and the first thing she did was let me know that she was mad at me. That kind of hurt. I was on the swingset imagining her swinging next to me, when suddenly she turns to me and says, "Beth." And then I'm like "no way." But she wanted to be named Beth. I don't know why, since I absolutely HATED that name. I felt like I couldn't connect with it. And she was sort of really mean to me, not at all like the Valerie I'd known a few weeks before. I felt frustrated at her, and she was frustrated at me. Yeah. So basically we didn't get off to a great start. Fast forward a week or so. I talked to her regularly, every chance I got, trying to repair the damage I did by ignoring her. I explained why I had left her and then she became more sympathetic towards me, but also slightly exasperated. Apparently my reason was "a stupid reason to stop." So we became friends. She made her hair stick-straight. She liked wearing t-shirts with logos on it even though I had previously dressed her in sweaters. Whenever I felt an anxiety attack coming on she calmed me down by hugging me. We hug a lot. My imagined sense of touch is my biggest strength in the wonderland, even more so than visualization. Also, sense of smell, when I can concentrate. She smells warm. I can't really think of another way to describe it. And then we had a sort of identity crisis. Let me explain something first. I'm a girl, and I've identified as gay since I was thirteen. But recently, I dunno, I've been sort of attracted to guys too? So I had sort of a breakdown, thinking I might be straight after all, and then Beth was all like "wait should I be a guy then" and we tried that for like fifteen seconds and it was the weirdest thing I've ever done with her. Yeah. I guess I'm just more comfortable with girls. And then there was the name thing. I had told her over and over again how I didn't like the name Beth, could she please change it to something I could relate to better, so she changed it like 3 times. Beth, back to Valerie, Wysteria, Wryn. (Wryn was the name of my daemon who has recently disappeared off to who-knows-where.) (she was a cat if you were curious.) But then I was like "these names suck" and she was like "yeah they kinda do" so we went back to Beth again. And it fit. She was Beth. How could I ever have called her anything different? I like the name now. And then we were in Game Development class and the teacher mentioned the color red for some reason, and Beth perked up. Suddenly her shirt was red. The marker she drew with when we were bored was red. Her hair was red, like really red. So now I have a very happy redhead living in my head. She has the name she wants, a form she loves, and all the love and attention I could give her. :)