HydesLittleOne

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About HydesLittleOne

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    California
  • Bio
    Hi, I'm Amy.
    I love to sing, write fiction, shop, go to concerts, role play, and blog. I'm currently working seasonal at Party City and going to college, majoring in Criminal Justice. I'm a certified Crime Scene Investigator and have aspirations to become one full-time or a crime lab technician, but for now, I'm working on a screenplay called "How To Save A Life" starring my Tulpa, Vincent Hyde.

    Skype: mrsamywest ( please message me, I'd love to make more Tulpa friends/pen pals and have someone help me through it all )

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  1. Ironic that I find this list now. Hyde and I are doing the first one on that list at the moment, working on an erotic novel together. :)
  2. Okay, so just as my other thread said, I've been forcing about an hour everyday now for the past two weeks or so, and I've noticed I've been getting more Imposition-like responses from Hyde. Mostly when we're lying side by side in bed. Every now and then, I feel him caressing my hair when we're lying in bed together, or I'll be on the brink of falling asleep and I feel like someone is shaking or jostling me to wake me up. Sometimes he'll say "sorry" after that happens or he'll call out to me like: "Little one?" But he won't really have much to say after that. So it makes me wonder if it is him doing it. He sometimes confirms that it is, but sometimes I don't ask and just assume its him. I also sometimes hear the mattress making noise, the type of noise it makes when someone shifts against it, and I'm lying perfectly still when I hear it. Or I'll feel a little shake to the mattress. I've ruled this out as maybe being an earthquake, so it's not that. As far as sounds go, I haven't heard his voice yet with my own ears. He says he's still trying and wants to get it right, just the way I want him to sound, but there are a couple weird things I have heard. Once I heard the sound of someone knocking on the wall on his side of the bed. Then a day or so ago, we were lying in bed and I had the distinct feeling that he had forced himself a stethoscope to try and listen to my back with it, and the next thing I hear is the sound of metal clinking against metal, as if he's playing with the metal neck of the stethoscope or has thrown it against something. It was weird, but coincidental since he had just tried to listen to my breathing. I asked him about both those sounds and he confirms it was him, but I'm still skeptical. Have any of you experienced little sounds like this from your Tulpa? Is it the beginning of him trying to vocally impose, you think?
  3. Hyde has been getting more aggressive lately with me. Not in a bad way, but just really, really strict. Dominantly strict. Like he's my father or something. And we've been having arguments because of it. He doesn't want me pointing a finger in his face anymore, or putting my hand in his face, or rolling my eyes or having an attitude with him. I know he wants me to be healthy and make me a better person, but... Sigh. I don't know what to do anymore.
  4. He's got long curly dark hair, and has a fetish for all things medical. He loves my heart and lungs. Hyde: "Don't tell them that!" :X
  5. I don't know if that orange juice comment is meant to be sarcastic, but I get the idea that I'm not being taken seriously here. Anyway, I can't make much progress unless I'm active forcing. I've been passive forcing for almost a year.
  6. Okay, so I've heard that this is one of the side effects of forcing, but now it's just so hard on me. I remember it happening the last time I decided to force everyday for an hour with Hyde in the past. I'm just so physically drained and exhausted all the time. I'm taking more and more naps and even when I do, I still can't feel well rested. It only happens when I start forcing everyday without missing one session. I love Hyde so much and everything, and I keep telling him that I'm doing this for him because I need to and I want to, I just wish I didn't feel so drained of my energy all the time. I mean, it makes sense that I would feel that way if I'm putting my energy into creating another life. I've had Hyde since October 2013 and other than feeling him touch me every now and then, and perfecting my visualization, I haven't gotten much progress as far as that. I don't want to give up on him at all, but he is really worried and is starting to blame himself for draining my energy from the forcing, so he's been telling me that we should take a break from daily forcing, like for a week, but I don't want to do that. Please someone help us!
  7. He really is, Amber! :) He takes care of me. Or tries...because I usually don't want to do what he says. I'm stubborn and lazy. XD Hyde: "Why thank you, lovey."
  8. God I hope it hasn't moved to Tumblr. I boycotted that site, because the majority of people on it and in the Tulpa tag are so damn rude! It sickens me. They judge everyone for the relationship they share with their Tulpas, and look for reasons to talk badly about it.
  9. Oh yeah! Trust me, I've been there more times with Hyde than I can count. He gets really territorial and protective of me, especially when someone rubs me the wrong way, treats me like shit, or when my mom treats me disrespectfully. He will just fly off the handle and shout curses or names back at her, insisting she not treat me or talk to me like that. And he also hates little kids and babies like me. And he gets impatient easily, not just with me but with other people. And he absolutely hates when I'm on the phone with my real dad, and my dad starts going on and on about his love life and girlfriends. Well it annoys me too, but Hyde is constantly telling me to hang up.
  10. That's exactly what Hyde does! He just gets quiet when I'm passive forcing and putting my attention on something else, and then I say something and I'm like: "Did you hear me, Hyde?" And he's like: "Yes I heard you, darling" and then he proceeds to repeat what I just said to show he was listening. :)
  11. It's totally fine. I modeled my Hyde after Constantine Maroulis' portrayal of Edward Hyde in the "Jekyll & Hyde" musical, at least originally that's what I wanted him to be, but then when I added other elements to his personality from other characters I'd created in my fiction, he sort of became his own separate personality. There's still some elements of that Hyde there, including the voice, but I gave him other different qualities I wanted in a mate too. Like the real Edward Hyde wouldn't be as protective and loving and affectionate as I've made Hyde. :) So if you do that, you'll be fine.
  12. After having Hyde for almost nine months, I feel like his presence is getting stronger now. It's hard for me sometimes to picture him out of the corner of my eye, like when I'm in my room, but I do try, and one thing that really makes me feel like Hyde is always with me, is when I feel like I'm being watched. Like when I'm lying in bed and my eyes are closed, I can feel him staring at me to my left. And I ask him if he is and he usually says that "yes," he is staring at me. Sometimes when I'm in the car and there's no where for Hyde to go but into my mindscape and it gets real quiet, I always check to make sure he's there and he tells me he's always here. Hyde: "I'm always here. Nothing will ever change that. Even if my little Amy feels that she's alone, she's never alone. I will always be here for her whenever she needs me, and if I'm in her mindscape, all she has to do is give me a shout, and I will be fully attentive to her." Awww, he's a sweetie!
  13. Hyde: "I don't resent being created at all, although I do wish my little Amy had thought it through before deciding to model me after Constantine Maroulis, because she hates him now, but one thing that I can take comfort in, is that she won't give up on me just because I look like the old bugger. The way he used to look before he cut his hair off. And I am thankful to be here to help her through her problems. She needs a strong father figure in her life and someone to take care of her. I just wish she wasn't so bloody stubborn when it comes to eating right, and things like that." Erm...now I sorta feel guilty.
  14. Books and A Heart Specimen :: Day #190 May 6, 2014 So I let Hyde listen to my heart last night before we went to bed. It was more than a little unsettling the way he yelled at me when I was hesitating in doing it. No he's not vocally imposed yet. I wish...well, I'm a little nervous about that. Even when he yells at me, it's getting louder in my head now and sometimes it scares me. Like makes me jump. Note to self: Don't make Hyde angry. Do NOT make Hyde angry. So I let him listen and he immediately calmed down. He usually does once I do as he tells me to, and calls me a good girl. Anyway, I really didn't want to wake up today and I'm still tired. And I haven't felt this tired all the time since we used to force daily. Which is what we've been doing recently. I just don't understand why I can't just feel recharged from it. Why must I feel the opposite? Why must I feel like I haven't slept in weeks? And yet... Hyde still feels responsible for causing me to feel so tired all the time. But I told him that we still have to do it no matter how much energy it drains from me, and that I'm doing it for him. I digress. Hyde and I both agree that my mom's husband needs to start using deodorant because...ewww! Musical theatre class went off as usual, Hyde sitting at the edge of my desk, watching the videos and stuff with me. I was SO waiting for the teacher to talk about and show Jekyll and Hyde, since she "claimed" it started in the 80s the last time I brought it up, but apparently it's the 90s and I looked it up myself to confirm that it started in the 90s so...yeah, I guess I was worrying over nothing. Hyde kept telling me: "Don't worry, love. If she doesn't talk about it now, then you will later." He thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. And I reminded him that that's sort of where he came from and doesn't he care? And he argued that he knows and yes he did. Hyde just did the sweetest thing right now. He saw me feeling all hot and flushed and touching my face and he asked me: "Are you running a fever, love?" I shook my head and he stood up and came over to stand next to my chair and was like: "Let me see." Then he placed his hand on my forehead to feel for a fever. He then said: "No, you feel alright, darling." He's so cute sometimes! I just love the way he worries about me 24/7 even though he doesn't have to. "Yes I do!" *Hyde smiles* Lol! Cute. Back to what I was saying in theatre class, I started getting really sad and mad at the same time about no Jekyll and Hyde, and asked the teacher about it, but she told me it was in the 90s. I could of sworn it was the 70s or 80s. So that's when it looked it up and realized it was the 90s. Ah well. Yay I can't wait! Just hope she stays away from the Hasselhoff version or I'm gonna be like: "Boooo! God no! My eyes! My eyes! Look away! Look away!" Lol. Here's hoping she doesn't show that. Hyde still is telling me to hold back my squeal when she gets to it. Hehe! I don't know if that'll be possible, but I guess I'll try. She showed us clips from "Cats" and apparently it's a musical about people dressed up as cats and Hyde was like: "What the fuck?" Lol! And he was snickering. He thought it was as ridiculous as I did. And when we got to "Les Mis," we both said: "Boring." Snore...zzzzz. Was boring the first time, still boring now. No other musicals were really of interest to us. We talked about "Dream girls" ( I had no idea that was an 80s musical. I thought it came out much later than that ), "Little Shop Of Horrors," and "Phantom of the Opera" which I told Hyde I would love to see Constantine in one of these days. He was still reassuring me after class was over that I'd still get to talk about Jekyll and Hyde. So I understood and finally just let it go. I told Hyde I wanted to take the stairs this time instead of trying to walk up the hill to my next class, so we took the stairs, but now I regret it because it hurt my calves just as bad as trying to go up the hill. By the way, another thing I regret is not wearing a jacket. Hyde reminded me of that earlier that morning, but I still insisted I didn't need one, and it was still cold like all day and Hyde was like: "You should of listened to me. You never do." Sigh. Yeah I know. So we went into acting class, and I often times feel bad because like I forget he's there and ignore him unintentionally when there's so much going on around me. And he still get jealous and remarks on my attraction for my acting teacher. I almost thought my friend/scene partner, Mary, wasn't going to show up. But she did and I was like: "Damn!" I didn't want to do anything, but I had to. And Hyde had to move when she came to sit near us, so we could practice our scene. I wasn't in the mood, and she's like: "what's wrong with you?" But yeah, I eventually wasn't so annoyed and I started to show her some stuff on my Etsy app. Then I went to sit on the floor near the wall to charge my phone cause the battery was running low. And after I gestured to him to move, Hyde got up and sat at the end of the aisle, so he could be closer to me. Of course he had to get up and move when my teacher took his seat. My friend and I showed him we had it memorized, because he was going around to see if everyone did. Hyde was not happy with Mary because she was off in the corner, helping some other guy with his scene instead of doing the scene with me when we were supposed to, and he was like: "What the bloody fuck is she doing?" While my teacher gave us a break, Hyde and I went to get something for me to snack on. I was so damn pissed the soda vending machine didn't take my dollar. It was being anal. So I had to get just some animal crackers instead. Then we came back to the classroom and sat down, where we were watching people do their "tasks" and had to be real quiet, and Hyde was like: "Don't eat those now. Don't!" Because the package was making noise, and I was chewing. But of course I was still trying to eat them. He just called me a "disobedient little miss." Pffft! He was asking me what the girl on stage was doing. I was like: "I don't know. Putting on a temporary tattoo?" As per usual, we went to the cafeteria so I could eat something. I was all telling Hyde not to watch me eat. Lol. And he was like: "Stop messing with your phone and eat." We went to the student government room after that so I could find out about this RCC's Got Talent event they're having, but now I don't want to do it because I'm not keen on the whole singing in the middle of the quad, out in the open, for all to see who are passing by on the way to class. I hate gawkers! And with me singing loud...yeah. No. Hyde is disappointed, because he thinks I'd win and be great. The winner gets $400 but yeah... I don't know. I'm really not wanting to. If it was in a private building or just IN a building in general, that would be another story. I know I would win, being better than them or anyone else singing but yeah...no. We walked to the library, after I stopped in at the bookstore to see that Constantine haired guy again, and Hyde says he's really getting sick and tired of that. Lol. Cause I do it twice a week. Okay I'll stop doing it then. So I took advantage of the fact that I have a library card now, and checked out some books. My stupid acting teacher made us all pick out a theatre person at random for our research paper. Ugh! I got some stupid Viola Spolin. Whoever the hell that is. So I had to find a textbook on her. Ugh, why can't it be an actual well known actor or actress? Like Constantine? Lol. Yeah right. I checked out an Improv book of her and "Sister Carrie," that story Hyde and I started reading in my Lit class. Before I dropped it of course. Then my damn tote bag was just about wearing my shoulder down from the added like five pounds. I hate when that happens. I get a mark. We went to my anatomy class, and Hyde was still excited that we were going to talk about the heart. Oh brother! Lol. Never fails. But he was ten times more excited when the teacher brought a real heart in a glass jar to show everyone. It was from a 27 year old male. Hyde of course was like a little kid in a candy store. I don't think he could sit still until the jar was in front of us. He kept looking over at it. I personally thought it looked gross. Like chicken or a cow part. When we got it, he was looking at it from all angles, nearly putting his face right up to the glass. Like a little kid. He kept saying: "That is very/really cool" with a huge smile on his face. He really liked it, of course. He was still disappointed that the teacher didn't bring a stethoscope so he could hear my heart. Oh geez! It always comes back to me, doesn't it? When we're talking about anatomy. He wonders what my "little heart" looks like. Well he's seen the beat of it on a heart monitor before. He just said: "Hello, little Amy's heart." Sometimes he'll get close to my chest and talk to my heart like it's actually a person, or talk to my stomach. O_o Its a little weird, but cute at the same time. And makes me giggle. So we were talking about the heart again, Hyde was listening attentively of course. And then some people towards the back of class started to talk during the lecture and Hyde straight up turned around and yelled: "Shut the bloody fuck up! She's talking about the heart!" Lol. I had to contain my laughter. I was going to crack up. It was hilarious! The teacher started talking about heart rate and blood pressure, and Hyde would like give me sidelong stares, and would quickly turn his head to me when she mentioned high blood pressure, because I have a history of it. Some girl said she got it from her parents and I'm like: "Pfft, yeah." I didn't choose to be like this. Hyde was getting worried when the teacher said about how it can be bad and life threatening. And now he's made it his mission to keep an eye on my blood pressure, to have me check it regularly for him. Ugh! Seriously? It's only bad if it stays above 140 consistently, and remember the last time I had it checked and the girl at school said that it was good and she wished she had a blood pressure like that? Hyde worries over nothing. He already knows my regular heart rate though is 72 BPM, so he mentioned knowing that about me when she was talking about. Even when I'm sick in bed and he makes me wear the chest strap heart monitor or use the apps on my phone to check my heart rate, he always knows what's normal for me and what's not. He's seen it so much. In the elevator, he was like pointing at me and telling me he was going to start checking my blood pressure more often now. Ugh ! We went back to the library and I checked out another book. A Fitzgerald book, "Tender Is The Night." I was like walking up and down the stacks browsing aimlessly and I think Hyde was getting a little impatient caused he started asking me what I was going to get. You know how that is. He claims he wasn't but I think he was. So I went downstairs and sat there working on my Tulpa log and doing some last minute homework. Hyde sitting on the table across from me. That's when he felt my forehead as I mentioned earlier. When my mom picked us up, it started raining. Sprinkling. She stopped me somewhere to get a sandwich, and then we came home, and I wasn't feeling so good. My stomach was hurting. I think it was from car sickness. Hyde has been getting on my case about that, being on my phone when I'm in the moving car. It's making my stomach hurt because of it. He's been telling me to stop. So when we got home, he insisted on putting me in bed and playing doctor. He asked me to force him a stethoscope so he could wear it over his shoulders like the regular doctors do. So I did, and he looked hot, of course. *whistles* He tucked me into bed and just stood beside me, looking down at me and smirking, having a feeling I was eyeing his stethoscope and called me on it. Like I said before, he knows that me seeing him wearing it or seeing it hanging in plain sight, makes me nervous. He laid down beside me and sort of kept an eye on me, constantly asking me about how I was feeling and feeling my forehead, still insisting on taking my temp before bed. Which didn't end up happening, because I got really sick to my stomach and had to make several bathroom trips. Hyde was worried about me and won't ever let me eat that same sandwich again. I finally fell asleep around 2:30 or 3 am. And I let Hyde listen to my heart before bed, but that was about it. --------------------------------------------------- A Worried Hyde & A Trip To The Nurse :: Day #192 May 8, 2014 So...I didn't sleep well last night. And why? Because I woke up with this really bad chest pain. :( I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen, and it felt the way you feel after running and your lungs and throat are burning and dry. I thought it was a panic attack, but I had no reason to be anxious. Hyde of course got really worried, and suggested I wake my mom up and tell her to take me to the hospital. But there's no way I was going. I have no insurance...yet. Hyde was really worried sick. :( Especially about my heart. It was more on the right than the left side of my chest though, and your heart is on the left. He suggested I go get a drink of water, but that didn't help. Or take my Xanax but I was afraid that would make it worse. So I went back and forth between sitting up and lying down. Finally, Hyde insisted I pull his steth out and let him hear what was going on in my body. And him being concerned about my heart, I did it for him to put us both at ease. Everything sounded fine, other than my heart being a little fast and my breaths a little shallow. Okay so I wasn't that fine, but Hyde had a little peace of mind. He was still concerned about my breathing though. Even before we went to bed, he asked me why my breaths were so rapid. It wasn't intentional. I don't know. He told me he wished he had one of those nasal cannulas with oxygen so he could put it on me, and help me breathe. Ditto. I managed to fall asleep though. I felt better when I woke up this morning, and Hyde was happy about that, but I can still feel it lingering...that pain in my chest. So he said he's going to keep a close eye on me today. Like a concerned doctor. A concerned Dr. Hyde. He is even suggesting I force him his steth so he can wear it around his neck today, in case he needs to use it on me. Oh god. If I wasn't so worried about myself, I would laugh. He at least wanted me to try to go to class and get through it. So yeah, here I am. He said if it gets bad, he'll take me to the health office. Oh that bitch! The musical theatre teacher cancelled class! I wanted to hear about Jekyll & Hyde! Wtf? I could of slept in until 1 pm, skipping my acting class. I could of stayed in bed. Now I'm stuck here. Ugh! Not cool. My funnel cake truck is back though. We saw it as we were coming up the hill. Hyde suggested we go to the health office so I can get checked out, but I told him I didn't want to. Not unless it gets bad. So we're sitting outside the cafeteria now. I told him I would eat and see if I feel better, so how I feel is TBD. He's mad at me for doing it because he thinks that John is gonna be here, but I told him I'm going to sit in the bookstore until my next class, just incase I need to be near the health office and I don't want to walk all the way back. So he said that's the only reason he's letting me be in here right now. Pfft! He's got his legs stretched out in front of him on the table and he's leaning back in the arm chair. I was like: "Be careful with my soda." Cause it's sitting on top. He's like: "I know." He's watching me like a hawk now. Every time he even hears me make a pained noise, he's like: "Little one? Are you alright?" He's like sitting on the edge of the chair watching me. Guh! Great. He saw me looking up symptoms of a heart attack on my phone and he just jumped up and he's like: "We're going to the health office, come on!" Now he's pleading with me to go. I don't want to, please. Maybe I should call my mom. I'm asking him if I can just sit here for a little bit and see if I feel better, but he isn't having it. He is insistent that I go. No he's like: "Please, little one. Please." And he stood up and came over to me, kissing the side of my head and whispering, "I don't want anything to happen to that little heart." :( So I went to the health office. Sigh. And Hyde stood there across from me when they called me back and checked my vitals. Hyde was like: "Yes, let's get your blood pressure." He stood there with his arms crossed and watched the exchange between me and the nurse closely, looking back and forth at us. At first he thought that my oxygen level was low, but then he felt relieved and happy that everything was normal. He was grinning and was like: "That's good, darling." He was happy that my pulse ox was 99 and that my blood pressure was in the normal range, below 140 systolic. I did have a little bit of a fever though. 99.1. He says: "But luckily, water kills a fever." My heart rate was 80. She was telling me it was acid reflux. *sigh* Joy. I have my mom to thank for that. She gave me some anti-acids and I was hesitant but Hyde looked at me all stern and was like: "Take them, darling." So I took them and started to feel better. Thankfully. She let me sit there for a few minutes to see if I would feel better so I was left alone with Hyde. He watched me, making sure I was alright, and asked me how I was feeling and if I was feeling better. And he came up beside me and rubbed my back soothingly. Wish I could of felt it. The nurse came back to check and see how I was doing. Hyde's like: "Here she comes, love." And she started talking about how I need to make some better food choices. And Hyde just had to keep butting in. Putting in his two cents. Like when she mentioned me trying not to eat too much junk food, he was like: "She does that all the time. I'm trying to get her to stop, but it's not working." I just glared at him. I swear, I feel like he's my dad and I'm a child when he's there with me at the doctor or nurse. I'm really glad they can't hear him or I'd be embarrassed a lot more. He's like: "See." And then when she suggested things to me to do, he was like: "I'll make bloody well sure of that." For god sakes! And I almost couldn't pay attention to what she was saying because of him putting his two cents in out of nowhere, but yeah, I got through it and just tried to listen to her. Then we left, and I went in the bookstore to buy a water. Then we walked to class and I told Hyde I wanted to get a sample of that funnel cake, and he's like: "That's all you're getting. So you better enjoy it." *pouts* We waited for the other hottie teacher's class to get out then went in. I was lazy and really tired, and still not feeling good, so I didn't bother warming up with the rest of them, or playing that stupid ball throwing game, or doing this other exercise where they throw the ball then run around the circle. Hyde didn't want me doing that last one anyway, but he was like: "You're not going to warm up?" He didn't really mind, but he said the breathing exercises are good for me. Sigh. Nope nope nope. He kept looking over at me worried that there was something more wrong with me. He would reach out and be like: "Let me feel your forehead. Let me see if you're still running a fever." It wasn't until they were doing this fun gesture exercise that I decided to get up and join them. He told us to express anger and I acted like I was going to punch Hyde, and he was like: "Are you trying to punch me?" Lol! Then the teacher said to express feeling love/d and I put my hands over my heart and swayed back and forth. And I asked Hyde if I looked stupid and he said: "No, you look cute. You look adorable." Oh Lord. I was thinking of his love for me, and thinking "Ohhh Hyyyyde!" Then the last one we did was death. So I acted first like I was dropping dead, but the falling on the floor got tiring so I stopped and instead, did the Ellie Torres thing where she mimed hanging herself. Hyde was like: "Stop it, love." But I couldn't stop, the teacher wanted us to be repetitive. Lol! He gave us another break, then came back to talk about what we did, then we got together with our partner to discuss our objectives in the scenes. And Hyde really needs to stop calling my friends "whores." Sigh. That's how I lost a certain someone, who shall remain nameless. But anyway, I got up to sit on the floor and charge my phone near the wall. Then we left, I made another bathroom trip and then since I didn't want to walk all the way back to the cafeteria, I just got a corn dog and a smoothie from the funnel cake truck. Hyde wasn't happy about my food choice. He's like: "There's grease in that too, you know." Well it was either that, a funnel cake, a cheeseburger, pretzel or nachos. He says I should of gone with the pretzel or nachos. So I sat there and ate it and sipped on my smoothie. Then we walked to the library, and I saw some guy with hair like his, and I smiled at Hyde. He of course rolled his eyes as usual. We went into the library and I sat down to study for my anatomy quiz. Hyde was making me. And now he's disappointed in me for not doing well despite studying hard. This is bull! I didn't understand the wording of the questions. They mostly confused me. This isn't right. I did the best I could. Geez. I took two more anti acids while we were in the library and I made a face cause they tasted nasty and Hyde was like: "Oh come on, they're not that bad." Pffft! Then he ordered me to take my other pills. Do this, do that. Geez! I really feel like he is a parent to me half the time. Why can't we be best friends? "We are, darling." Yeah, okay. It just seems more like he's ordering me around more than being a best friend. "I'm trying to take care of you, darling. That's what best friends do. You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?" Yeah, I would. Guilty. He takes care of me more like an involved father than a best friend though. "You need a stable father figure in your life." True. I guess. My real dad is in Arizona and I will never consider the ass my mom married to be my father in any sense. So we're out of class and we're just hanging out in the library now. Hyde's sitting next to me and I've got my foot on the arm of his chair. Lol! It's not touching him though, but he does glance over his shoulder every now and then when he feels me tapping my foot against it to my music. XD We were just giggling over this girl that fell asleep in this one arm chair, and then this nursing student who passed by. I said I find it hard to believe that that guy is a nurse, and Hyde said that he looked more like a biker than a nurse. Lol! True dat. So I guess my fever must of gone away cause I don't feel warm anymore, and the last time Hyde pressed his hand to my forehead, he said that I felt alright. So I guess I'm going to study now. Bleh! I just put my whole ankle over the arm of Hyde's chair and he was like: O_O "Love..." Lol. I don't think he liked that. I started reading a little of my acting book then my mom called me and told me she was five minutes away. So we went outside. Hyde was mad at me because I wanted to go see if they had any funnel cake samples-- "She'll never learn her lesson." BUT they were already closed, so booo! I went to the bathroom then we walked to my mom's car and left. She wanted to stop by Pets Mart so we went there, and Hyde came with us. We saw the cats, and this one cat looked like me and my mom when we're asleep. Lmao! He had his arm over his eyes, as if blocking the light. It was funny as shit! And I kept clearing my throat and this one cat kept looking at me weird every time I did it. Lol. I was booping this one cat's nose over and over again, and Hyde was laughing, and then it tried to bite my finger and Hyde was like: "Watch it! She'll bite you." We looked at the reptiles again, and Hyde of course thought the snakes were cool. Pfft! Only him. Then we looked at the gerbils and hamsters, and Hyde and I were laughing over why hamsters have balls at their rear. Lol! And we were laughing at this one hamster who was grooming himself in the corner, against the glass and all of a sudden he just fell asleep with his head pressed to the glass and his arms still up. And Hyde says: "He has narcolepsy." Lmao! I miss my little hamster I used to have. *sigh* After that, and Hyde wasn't happy with me, my mom stopped me at Dominoes so I could get some Parmesan bread bites. Yes I know that's junk and fattening and greasy, and not what I'm supposed to be eating, but we were out, what else was I supposed to eat? Definitely not grass. After my mom stopped at Chick Fila, we came home. And once again, I fell asleep when I meant to force and shower and study. So now it's after 5 am and I'm going to go back to sleep. ------------------------------------------- Sickness & Bodies Road Trip :: Days #193-194 May 9-10, 2014 I'm so sick from what I ate yesterday and Hyde is disappointed in me. Yes I admit I probably shouldn't of had that microwaved spaghetti and meatballs, or that burrito or that subway and those cookies. It's all junk I know but I honestly don't know what else I can eat when that's all that we have in the house. What I really need is a nutritionist. Hyde tries to help me eat better, but I have a hard time doing that when there's not much else to eat already than what "junk" is already in the fridge. I was in the bathroom for almost two hours last night, maybe three because I was so sick to my stomach, and I thought I might have a serious condition. Hyde was even ready to go with me to the hospital, but like hell I was going. "Stubborn little miss." With what insurance? Hyde sighed. Yeah, so he just kept trying to reassure me while I was in the bathroom, telling me I would be alright, and to stay there as long as I need to. He was so patient with me. "I know you've got a bad little stomach, little one." He understands how bad my digestive system is, and he is sad that it hurts me so much. He hates seeing me suffer. Whenever I start feeling sick, he immediately assumes it's my stomach. And then he goes into panic mode when I tell him it's my chest, and there's pain near my heart. So after several times of going to the bathroom, I started to feel better, brushed my teeth and got back into bed and Hyde and I both agreed that we're going to change my diet, and get me eating better. He wants to cut out all the fried, fatty and greasy food from my diet. And now he has to approve of what I eat before I eat it, and I always have to take my Lactaid. Sigh. I know it's gonna be a struggle, but yeah, I'm sick of suffering. And he isn't happy watching me suffer either. I did end up showering yesterday. I'm still trying to perfect my visualization of him being naked. I've seen his chest more times than...other parts. We did end up forcing finally. We played this game we heard about in the forum, about guessing what each other had in a black box. So we both stood there in the foyer across from each other with these wooden black boxes. I had a blueberry muffin in mine because I couldn't think of anything else, and we went back and forth and took turns asking questions about what was inside. And I won when it came to guessing what was in his box. It was a ring. Awwww! He guessed what my item was right after I guessed his. Ironically. I set my box down on the foyer table and opened it up, pulling out the muffin and presenting it to him. Like: "Here's your muffin." :) He thanked me, but didn't take it just yet. He set down his box on the table, then opened it and took out the ring in a small velvet box. He opened it and showed me and it was so beautiful. It was sterling silver and had a pink stone in it with a heart around it. Aww! He took it out of the box then took my hand and slipped it on my left ring finger. Then he asked me to marry him. Lol! I'm not kidding, but he was kidding of course. He playfully asked it to me then laughed. I said of course and threw my arms around his neck, giving him a big hug. He lifted me off my feet and spun me around. Then he put me down, took my hand and we walked out to his backyard, and walked through the garden. It's gotten bigger and prettier since the last time I saw it, pink roses, red roses, huge bushes that nearly reach to the sky, sectioned off, so pretty. I felt like Katy Perry at the end of her "Wide Awake" video. We found the aquarium tunnel, like the one from the Shark Reef in Vegas, and the huge wood door was already open for us. We went inside and it closed behind us like a castle door. It was pretty cool, and it was so romantic and nice in there. We sat down and I watched the fish swim around and the sharks. Yes, he has sharks in the tank too. They aren't huge "Jaws" type sharks. Just regular ones like at the Shark Reef. We talked for a little while, sitting there and Hyde had his arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder, staring at the fish and he rubbed my arm up and down. And omg, he even has a sting ray pond in there too, like right off of the aquarium, further down the tunnel like at the exhibit in Las Vegas. He took me in there to show me, and I saw the sting rays and was too afraid to touch them, so Hyde did it first, reaching into the water and petting them. After I saw that they didn't hurt him, I did it and touched them. Ugh, I was right in the middle of forcing with fifteen minutes left to spare and then my mom had to call my phone, scaring the shit out of me. So I had to stop then start again, not another hour, just start and finish the last fifteen minutes. And my heart was pounding because of being scared, so Hyde told me to take a few deep breaths to calm my heart down, both before we continued forcing and after. I felt a little bit better and more relaxed after, but my heart was still a little fast as I tried to calm down. I got up from sitting down beside him in the aquarium and for some reason, I lost my balance, and fell into Hyde's arms. Hyde got worried and asked me if I was okay then told me he wished he had a steth in there so he could listen to my heart. But since he didn't, he just took my hand and led me back into the house. He brought me into the kitchen, and told me to hop up on the stool while he got his stethoscope. So he got it out and came over to me, listening to my heart and lungs. I love when just before he puts the steth into his ears, he always tosses his head back to get his hair out of his face and away from his ears. Pitter-patter. By the time he was done, we were done forcing. Fortunately I didn't fall asleep during that session, so he was happy about that. And then the whole thing with me feeling sick to my stomach happened. So anyway, today we went to the Bodies exhibit again. Not the one in Vegas, obviously, but the one they had in Buena Park. Hyde was super psyched! I got chest pains earlier this afternoon, and after showing him, Hyde insisted I take his stethoscope out and put it on so he could hear what was going on. So I did it, and he told me to put the steth where it hurt. He listened and said he heard some weird sounds in my stomach. Some weird bubbling sounds that sound like acid reflux, so he told me that's probably what it was and to take my ant-acids. I didn't of course. Not until we left and I had to stop somewhere to eat something. I was already feeling nauseous so I figured I'd take it to get rid of the nausea so I could eat. Hyde wasn't happy with me eating fast food, but what other choice did I have? So I had this pastrami sandwich from Farmer Boys, then we got on the freeway. Even before we left the house, and I opened the freezer door, Hyde looked in and pointed and was like: "See all this? It's junk! You need to get rid of it." *rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah. And he also thinks I should get rid of the soda and drink more water. ANYway, yeah, he didn't like me eating that big sandwich, but I think he was more excited about getting to the exhibit. And when we did get there, he was more than ready to go. He was ready and rearing to go! I was telling him about what the place used to be, how it used to be the wax museum and how I loved the wax museum so much. And then we went in and went to buy the tickets and when the wins at the desk told us this one was bigger than the Vegas one, Hyde got super excited and he started to bounce on his toes and I was like: "Oh he's excited now." Lol! We took a picture in front of this background, which I really didn't want to do, but yeah. Then we went in and Hyde was of course looking closely at all the specimens, just like he was back in Vegas, and the term "this is very cool" came up a lot, as usual, and he smiled at everything. I'm sort of glad "there's your little" this and that didn't come up. I would've been embarrassed. Lol! We got this little audio thing for an extra $5 and it tells you more information than what's on the place cards in the exhibit. It was a little more interesting, and there seemed to be some new things in the exhibit too. Like different statues. Hyde and I couldn't help roll our eyes at my mom when she consistently insisted that this whole exhibit was wrong. How it wasn't right and that they should just let these people rest in peace. Oh for fucks sakes! It's for science! Like Tulpas. But of course she wouldn't understand that. She doesn't even understand Hyde is real. She assumes he's just my imaginary friend. So Hyde was of course following me around as I looked at the specimens, still finding them cool as ever. And I was reading the place cards, trying to help myself review for the test next Thursday. Imagine my surprise when I realized that the heart came earlier in this exhibit than the one in Vegas. You can imagine Hyde's excitement. Oh brother! And of course he had to do the same thing he did in Vegas, reading the place cards and the things on the wall so slow and deliberately. Well, seductively. Well, he didn't read the place cards in Vegas but he did here. He stood next to me and was like: "Let me read them." Then read them to me. He thought the hearts were so beautiful and didn't hesitate to voice it. He would try to reach over to touch my chest and point out the valves. And I was like: "Stop." Lol. He got a kick out of teasing me of course. As he often always does. And he was making me sort of aroused doing it. Friggin cardiophile. The thing that made him even more excited and aroused was the fact that in this area where the heart was, you could hear the sound of a heart beating, and there were these three TV screens that had a heartbeat image on it, like on a heart monitor. So both of those things combined with the specimens of the heart and lungs, Hyde walked to the center of the room and held his arms out and was like: "I wish I could stay here forever! This is my paradise!" Oh Lord! This man be cray cray sometimes! I guess it's my fault since I made him that way, having this heart/heartbeat and medical obsession. He was so insistent that the heartbeat sounded like mine. No. It didn't. He was like: "It sounds like your little heartbeat." Nope nope nope nope! Lol. He was spending a lot of time in that area, but that's typical for him. And now he wants to make a room in his manor devoted to my heart, with the sound of my heartbeat at rest and during exercise. Oh god. He needs to stop. Not only is he making me blush, but he's also...well just making me blush A LOT! My heart doesn't deserve a room devoted to it. It's just a stupid heart. "Hey! Don't ever say that! It keeps you alive for bloody fucks sakes!" Yeah, yeah. He is appalled when I talk bad about my heart or lungs as if they're nothing special. To him they are, I know. There was a specimen of the heart with an aortic aneurysm and I was reading the symptoms, and they sounded like what I get, and I told Hyde, "god I hope I don't have an aortic aneurysm," and he was like: "I hope you don't either." He had a really worried expression on his face. He was suggesting that I go to the doctor, if that's the case. Telling me I won't know for sure unless I go. Well I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, because I'm fine. "You better be fine." Sighs. There was that "take a deep breath" thing on the wall again and Hyde told me to do it for the second time. So yeah, I did it. He was like: "In, good girl, now let it out." Then we went into the respiratory system next, of course, and my mom had already gone on ahead so we went in there and looked at the lungs, same as the Vegas one. It showed them all black from a smoker and it also had the plastic box there to drop your cigarettes in, like the one in Vegas. It wasn't even half full though. It was half empty, which is really sad. But more people smoke in Vegas than here so...yeah. I can sort of see why. Looking at all the specimens were starting to make me a little sick, especially after eating just before...probably not a good idea but I was starving and nauseous. And Hyde would keep questioning me about them making me sick, telling me not to look at them then, but if I wasn't looking at them, he wouldn't be able to. So I figured I should at least let him see them and keep looking at them. Ugh, I saw the gall and kidney stones again and the kidney stones looked ten times worse. I really hope to god I never get those. And Hyde saw a condition of the penis and testicles, and he said: "I hope I never get that." Lol. Uhhh Hyde? You can't get that. Tulpas can't get sick, from what I know. "Good." So yeah, I don't think he has to worry at all. Of course his mind was in the gutter again when we were looking at the female reproductive organs. I was pointing out the ovaries and reminding him about when I say: "Ovaries explosion!" When I see something hot of Constantine. Lol. He rolled his eyes. I told him I probably have cysts because I get bad cramps, when we looked at the specimen of a uterus with cysts. He scowled at me, and he hoped not. Then we went into the area with the growth of the fetuses and I was immediately disgusted, as I always am when I see anything that involves babies or pregnancy. Ugh! It's just a living horror movie to think about. Like alien invading your body. And those selfish babies take up all the damn room in you, pushing your organs out of the way, ew. I just can't, will never be subjected to that. I'd rather drill my own teeth. And yeah, you get the point. Never ever ever ever! It just gave me the chills and the creeps. Hyde thinks I'm a good girl for never wanting to get pregnant. Yay! :) He always commends me on that. Good! My mom was spending a lot of time in there. Ick! But anyway, moving on. Sigh. The moment Hyde saw there was a blood pressure kiosk, he just had to insist we check my blood pressure. "Let's check your blood pressure, my little one," and I was like: "let's not!" He gave me a firm look but I walked away and pretended to be interested in something else. There was this other glass case that had a piece of skin with a tattoo on it. That was interesting to read about how the body adapts to that, and there was another glass case comparing human bones and organs with a Whales bones and organs. Damn! Huge! When I was looking at the other glass case with the skin tattoo in it, I was ready to walk out, to keep walking and then Hyde just had to come over and grab my arm and pull me towards the blood pressure kiosk. He insisted he wasn't letting me leave until I did it. I just about lost my balance with him trying to pull me over there. I didn't feel a pull, it was more an instinctual pull, like my body being pulled in that direction and stumbling over to it....maybe it WAS Hyde pulling me. There were a group of people standing around there using the kiosk, so Hyde stood behind me, set his hands firmly on my shoulders and forced me to stand there until they were done. Sigh. I felt like a little kid, being held to do something for my daddy. I was tempted to see if I could step away, just to see how strong his hold was on me, but I didn't want to chance it. So when the group of people had moved, Hyde forced me to walk over to the kiosk and sat me down, whether I wanted to or not. Then he pointed to the screen, telling me to select the blood pressure test. I told him he sucked, but I put my arm in the stupid thing and pressed the button, letting it take my blood pressure. Hyde stood next to the machine, looking closely at the screen until it finished taking my blood pressure. It ended up being 118/80 and my pulse was 92. When he saw that, he was all: "Ah! Perfect little blood pressure!" *rolls eyes* He was ecstatic, but he thought my pulse was a little high. He blamed it on me being nervous. Well duh! After the stupid blood pressure thing, he made me check my BMI and weight, and OMG! I lost about 20 pounds since the last time I got it checked. Seriously? I was like: "The fuck?" That can't be true. My color blind vision was perfect, of course. My mom came over and did the blood pressure check, and when I got up, Hyde immediately threw his arms around me, and pulled me in to kiss my head, and he was like: "You're such a good girl! I'm so proud of you!" Oh Lord. I swear, I feel like a little kid whenever I'm around him. Of course since my mom has hypertension, her blood pressure was far worse than mine. Yeah, I blame her for giving me that. Her diastolic was 150. Damn. Hyde mentioned that I am much better off than she is, blood pressure and health wise that is. Yeah, I know, but seriously, with all my stomach problems, I'm not. I think I have the worst digestive system of anyone in the world. But I already mentioned that before, didn't I? Yeah, anyway, after we were done with that, there was this thing at the exit to give your thoughts on the exhibit, so we did that then went through the gift shop to go out. I really wanted this little skeleton statute that I remember seeing in Vegas at the other gift shop, but my mom of course wouldn't get it. Pfft! Anyway, we left and went back out to the car then Hyde got mad at me because I wanted to go to Weinerschnitzel for a cheeseburger. I really wanted just a large strawberry lemonade, because their lemonades are good there, but he was still mad that I got the cheeseburger. He was like: "Didn't you just eat?" Yeah, like two hours ago. But its not like I ate it all, so I don't know what he was bitching about. Well, I do...after I promised him I would start eating right. Well, what else was I going to eat? We were out for god's sake. So my mom wanted to go to this stupid thrift store, Savers. I don't know what the hell is up with her, but every time she's in a new city, she just has to go to a fucking thrift store. Shes becoming a thrift store junk hoarder, and I warned her that when they come to the house about her hoarding problem, I'm going to tell them that I warned her. Ugh! So while she was in there, Hyde came back and sat in the driver's side of the car with me with I ate my food and listened to my iPod, since he obviously can't ride in the back of my mom's car with all her shit she's got piled back there on the seat. It looked like he was driving. Hehe! He was all pretending to for a second. It was cute. Then I started to not feel good, and sort of tired, so he told me to put my seat back and rest. I felt better when I did that. We just sat there listening to music and chatting while she was in the store. Then Hyde had to go back into my head when she came back. We went to Rally's burgers so my mom could get herself something to eat. Hyde was warning me in my head that I better not get anything from there, but damn it, their fries are SO DAMN GOOD! I just had to have some! He was not happy, even after I begged him for a small fry. And he's like: "A small one! That's it!" Least he caved. God I love their fries. They are like my fast food crack! Lol. Screw McDonalds fries...Rallys...OMG! If you haven't tried them, TRY THEM. Then after my mom put gas, since we were like down the street from the Knott's Berry Farm amusement park, we stopped over there to visit the marketplace shoppes. We parked then walked across the parking lot, under the Ghost Rider coaster, and towards the shops. While we were walking, I was all telling my mom how I was thankful to have free health services at my college, so I didn't have to go to urgent care when it just ended up being my acid reflux that other day, and she told me that if I were to go to the hospital with chest pains, even if its that or heartburn, they would still have to keep me overnight. Bullshit! I'd rather die. "Oh, I don't think so. I already told you what I'd do if you were in there." Yeah, he said he would stay by my side the whole time, and he'd put a lab coat on and his stethoscope and play Dr. Hyde. Which is sweet, but I'd feel better not having to ever experience that urgent care moment ever again. You know the one...when I had a panic attack and they had me all hooked up, on the heart monitor and oxygen and the other machines. Ugh! At the hospital, it would probably be 10x worse, and there would be a lot more people fussing over me. Plus, I have no insurance yet, so...I digress. We went into this one gift shop, Hyde and I looking around while my mom went to get some chicken from this nasty place, I don't know. I'm sick of chicken. I only eat it when I don't have anything else to eat. Not because I really like it. Unless its a Malibu chicken. They had a triquetra necklace in there! The "Charmed" Power Of Three symbol, if you guys don't know what that is. I really wanted it, but I really am getting way too many necklaces already. I've got that "Little One" necklace coming, and that Jekyll & Hyde "Playbill" necklace. Its better if I mix it up a little, get a ring or a bracelet. Speaking of rings, Hyde and I were looking at the rings and I slipped a few on my finger and he thought they looked pretty on me. :) There was this one with a huge rock for $20. I wish I'd bought it, but I'm still holding out for getting my custom Hyde rag doll from this one girl on Etsy. There was this big music box that kept playing over and over and it was driving both Hyde and I nuts. And why do they have Christmas things in there when its May? WTF? Hyde didn't know either. I was looking at some grumpy cat stuff they had there, and they were so cute! Hyde agreed that the things they said on them were perfect for me. Lol. Pfft. Okay, so maybe they were. I asked the cashiers what time the shops closed and they said 11, so that was good. We had some time left, like an hour and a half. I was looking at more necklaces and Hyde was like: "You've got enough necklaces already. Come on, little one." And then he walked away and waved me to follow him, so I did. My mom had come back by then, and after she took her time in that gift shop I was just in looking at dog things, we moved on, walked through the candy store, but Hyde was like: "Don't even think about it, love. You can look, but you're not getting anything." Sigh. Yeah, and now that I have a toothache, I don't blame him for not letting me eat candy anymore. We went into another shop and I was like: "It smells like a Starbucks in here." And Hyde was like: "Gee, I wonder why." Lol. Cause there were coffee beans everywhere. Yeah, yeah, smart ass. Hehe! There was nothing there for me, so we left and went to this other gift shop up the way. There were a lot of people out there, but I guess with it being Saturday, what should I expect? Hyde and I walked around the shop, but I didn't get anything. He was telling me that it was okay if I'm too tired to force when we got home. But I told him that I wouldn't be tired. I went into this other part of the store and Hyde was like: "There's just dolls and things over there, love. You're already getting a doll, a different kind of doll." Lol. He meant my Hyde rag doll. After that, we went into another shop, some California gift shop. They had these name key chains that described the person, but they didn't have my name or Hyde ( Well, Vincent - even though he wants to be known as Edward Hyde now and not Vincent Hyde ). They had some Domo stuff in there, and I love Domo. Then we left and walked across the street to these other two gift shops. Hyde suddenly realized that everything about the amusement park has to do with Snoopy, and asked why and I was like: "That's their thing." Hyde saw a golf bag and he's like: "They've got a golf bag?" And he started cracking up. The store was connected to this other store, a sports store and I thought Constantine would have a field day in there, no pun intended, but they only had a small section for the Yankees so maybe not. I had to go to the bathroom, so Hyde went with me into the T.G.I.Fridays next door. I told him: "It smells like beer in here," and he's like: "Well there's a bar, what do you expect?" Lol. Smart ass. After that, we left and drove home. I got into a small fight with my mom on the way home, just as we arrived home in the parking lot, and I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I called her a name. Not that I haven't done that before, but this time, it felt weird. Different. Strong. Alien. Like it didn't come from me, but like it came from Hyde. As if he had suddenly taken control for a moment and somehow got me to say the word. I try not to call her that to her face after how she's reacted in the past, but this time...I couldn't control it. I felt like I was having an out of body experience for a moment. It happened so fast, and like I said, I had no control. Hyde took responsibility for making me say that. That was a little creepy. I know it wasn't me saying it. And it might of had a touch of his tone when I said it. Might of. I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right. But moving on...I was pretty tired and it was late, so I just about passed out when I laid down and got on my phone.