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goldguy31

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About goldguy31

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    and Amanda

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    America
  1. Hey guys! So things have been pretty crappy with Amanda. Obviously. I don't really know what to say. Today I had my first full conversation with her in a LOOOOONG time. I say "conversation" pretty loosely. It was all one sided. I can kind of feel her sometimes. It's nice to know we haven't lost ground as far as progress. We just haven't gained any in quite a long time. Other things have become more important to me. I'll admit that. But I still care about her in a weird sort of way. Of course am as lazy as a sloth. I just hope that one day I'll figure something out and make it all work
  2. Lost track of days. I've been out of town/dealing with academic stress/dealing with some heavy duty emotional crap so I haven't been able to update. Things have been sucky though. Just taking it day by day. I'm committed not to give up on her, but I only have a solid forcing session once a week or so. And even those only last about 20-30 minutes long. I feel really guilty, but Idk how to change. I'm really lazy as it is. To be honest I've thought about giving up on her a few times, but I can never bring myself to do it. I still can't even entirely feel her, but I just keep thinking about h
  3. Day #33. Monday, December 23rd. 2013 Well the frequency of my updates is a really good reflection of my commitment level. I forced today for the first time in a while. It wasn't very long, but I felt a lot closer to Amanda afterwards. The phrase keeps popping into my head "I miss you." Idk if its me talking to her or if its something from her. I know my commitment level is seriously faltering, but I'm not letting it get to me. I'd rather be motivated by the hope of success rather than by the fear of failure, so I'm trying to not let failure get me down, but rather see it as a reminder of
  4. Day#29. Thursday, December 19th. 2013 Things are usual. No real progress. I really should be doing better, but thats normal. I don't really know what to say but I figured I'd post anyway for the sake of consistency. haha ik i'm not one who can talk about consistency. All in all I'm trying to stay positive though. I keep telling myself that we'll get there eventually. Even if it takes years, we'll get there. I do enjoy spending time with her. even if she can't communicate in any way at all yet. I just have to keep remembering her. and keeping her in my thoughts. I still strongl
  5. Day #26. Monday, December 16th. 2013 So to anyone that actually reads this, based on the things I've posted so far, do you think I have what it takes commitment-wise? I've just been feeling really guilty lately about not giving Amanda the attention/care that she deserves. Its just hard when I haven't hardly seen any reward for all the effort I've put in. Granted I haven't been putting forth alot of effort over the last few days. I take full responsibility for that. Idk if its a lack of mental capability or simply a lack of motivation. Either way I wish it wasn't so. All this is norm
  6. Day #25. Sunday, December 15th. 2013 Darn my impatience and easily discouraged/distracted tendencies! We're way behind where other people usually are at this point. just looking around. I can still just barely feel her. I don't blame anything or anyone but myself, and I don't intend to quit any time soon.I'm just mad @ myself a little for not being more committed. I really hate that I can't figure it out. Only did about 20 or so minutes of forcing today. terrible I know. i still cant decide on a wonderland... I thought I'd have one by now. But I still only picture her on a case by case
  7. Day #22. Thursday, December 12. 2013. So to any of you that actually follow this thread, which I suspect is only a few, sorry for being inconsistant lately. schools been stressfull. excuses. i know well I think my motivation for work on Amanda has bottomed out. Which is bad because... well it bottomed out, but its not at zero, amd I don't think it will get any worse. so it can only get better from here I suppose. No real progress has been made. Or its been too sleight to say that we have made progress. I think I can feel her better, i still don't know if its her tho... Been working o
  8. Days #18-19. Sunday-Monday, Dec 8th-9th. 2013 These last two days have been ok. nothing really new. just doing the same stuff. Had trouble doing anything on sunday but today i was able to do alot more narration than I usually do. anyways... i'm pretty tired right now. Staying hopeful!
  9. Days #16-17. Friday-Saturday. December 6th-7th. 2013. The last few days have been ok. I wish I was better at thinking about Amanda more, bt I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I can still feel her sometimes. Sometimes I get reminded of how exciting it will be when she's vocal. I can't tell if this is my own excitement or if she's getting better at emotional manipulation. anyways... still trudging through my lack of motivation. Hoping it will get better eventually! Staying hopeful! Trying to stay committed! P.S. sorry for any typos. I'm way tired right now and had to type this
  10. Day #15. Thursday, December 5th. 2013. Today wasnt so good. had to get up early and was busy all day! Did the best I couldthough. Hoping tomorrow will be better! Thanks for the encouragement btw! Staying hopefull!
  11. Day #14. Wednesday, December 4th. 2013 Today was alright. Did more narration than I usually do because I strapped a rubber band around my wrist pretty tightly to remind myself. I feel like I'm getting better at feeling her, but it's too subtle to be sure. Haven't forced yet today, but plan to soon after writing this. I get sort of mad/disappointed at myself for forgetting that theres an actual consciousness in my head with me, and that I need to be respectful of that, even if I can't hear/feel it very well. It's so easy to treat her like a project rather than a person. And that's whe
  12. Day #13. Tuesday, December 3rd. 2013 Another not so great day. School is just so stressfull and time consuming. I just need to learn how to make it more of a priority to talk to her/spend time with her. I feel really guilty, but I always feel like she understands. It could just be me though. idk. I want so desparately to learn how to find the most success in our relationship. Staying hopeful
  13. Day #12. Monday, December 2nd. 2013 Well I had a whole long report typed up n then my phone decided to crash. so no update today because I don't feel like typing everything twice. everythings mostly the same though.
  14. Days #9,10,11 We've been in the mountains without internet so couldnt update progress. Things were about the same. some narration with a little forcing for an hour or so. Did some work on a wonderland but eventually decided to restart because I just added a bunch of crap into it without fully visualizing it so it was just really noisy and aesthetically painful to look at. Thank you for the advice! I'll do my best to maintain my relationship with her. I'm pretty sure itl get way easier once I can actually have a conversation with her. I knew it would be lots of work when I started though
  15. Day #8. Thursday, November 28th. 2013. Happy Thanksgiving! I'm pretty tired so I don't feel like writing much for today. but its been the same as recently. some narration with about an hour and a half or so of forcing. i realized today that I've been forcing wrong for the last few days. I can't really explain how besides the fact that I wasnt as concentrated. I was just letting amanda consume my thoughts rather than actively concentrating on certain aspects of her. so I feel like today was pretty productive once I figured that out. I can feel her sometimes, but besides that we arent makin
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