halorser

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About halorser

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Converted

  • Sex
    Male
  • Location
    Fresno
  • Bio
    A weird guy who's dumb
  1. I've also had the same problem, having a few pictures of similar looking people (or ponies) and looking at them from time to time might help out with the problem. I personally made a folder and crammed images that kind of resembled what my tulpa would look like and occasionally sifted through them.
  2. Thanks Kiahdaj! I'm really happy that you and everyone else are always here to give me advice and help me with my doubts. Mushy shit aside, Tuesday, Feb 11, 2014 I haven't been forcing for a while, I usually just fall asleep when I try. I'm still narrating to Miyuki as much as I can (as much as I can remember). I've set shower time as designated narrating time and I try to visualize eating with her whenever I eat a meal (Although I sometimes forget... >.<) . Progress is slower, probably because I'm burned out with the first/second week(s) of tulpaforcing. Miyuki has been supportive and quite understanding (I think) of progress or lack of. I still don't think I've heard her real "voice" yet, but it's a goal we will reach someday! I need to try harder, for her sake! Fight On!!!!! (I'm so goddamn lazy....)
  3. Hope everything goes well! Lying down might make you fall asleep after a bit, I have big problem with that.....
  4. Sat Feb 08, 2014 Not much in this update, did some taxes, fought with my mom, normal stuffs. Hmmm, to make this post more intresting....I'm going to write some icky self degrading s**t. I'm quite attracted to Miyuki. I get quite a bit of intrusive and dirty thoughts about her, which I feel really guilty for. I "gave" her a selfless and loving personality which makes me even more guilty about it... Blarghhh.......................I hate myself right now..
  5. 1. Is it possible for you to subconsciously force a tulpa to change her(/his/it's) personality? A bit of back-story for the 1st question: I gave my tulpa a nickname(?) due to pronunciation problems/aesthetic reasons (Gidellom to Miyuki). By coincidence, the name "Miyuki" is also a character in a light novel. It seems like she's picking up traits of that character from the novel and I'm worried that I'm subconsciously forcing her to become that character. 2. This isn't much of a question, but I'd like to hear your intake on this experience. When I was asking my tulpa a question (Not sure if she's vocal yet or not), I parroted(?) a reply, but got 2 answers in different languages. (Ex: Questions: Do you like _____? Answers: "Yes" and "Hai" (Japanese for "yes"). Is it possible for someone to say something in their mind twice at the same time in different languages or should I interpret it as my Tulpa talking?
  6. Thursday, Feb 06, 2014 Hasn't been much progress, which, is to be expected I guess. Normal days, working at Sonic,falling asleep while forcing, narrating to her as much as I can, ect... Not entirely used to calling Gidellom by her new name, Miyuki, but it should be fine. She seems to be deviating quite a bit. When I first "developed her personality," she was cold (mentally and psychically), shy, honest, and collected. She seems more warmer, and seems more shy. I'm getting more images of her smiling or turning red like a cherry instead of looking stoic and calm. She seems less of a stoic, almost robotic personality, and more of a shy and sweet little sister(?). On a side note, while narrating in the shower, I asked her something in the shower, and I think I parroted a response the same time she tried to say something. She answered in japanese while I said it the same time in english.
  7. My tulpa's name are Gidellom/Miyuki. I made the name "Gidellom" with the Hebrew alphabet. Her "real" name is GDLLM. We decided to rename her Miyuki though, as I think it's more fitting and is easier to say. Miyuki means "beautiful snow" in Japanese, which fits her quite well.
  8. I also had a similar nightmares. I dont think they are not nessarily tulpa related (I've had them before tulpamancing or lucid dreaming aswell). If it's a lucid dream, try to will the "bad" away (fighting, screaming at it, etc.....). The best thing to remember is, it's your dream, you have control over it.
  9. My tulpa, Miyuki (Gidellom) seems like she's trying to talk to me. I'm positive that she's trying to talk through head pressure, random emotions, and images or actions or facial expressions. I'm not entirely sure that she's talking to me with yes/no answers or random thoughts. I can't seem to decipher her thoughts from mine. Is there an exercise/method/anything to decipher her thoughts from mine or understand what she's trying to say or is it just something you need time with?
  10. Thursday, Jan 30, 2014 11:24 PM After writing my update, I lurked the forums, watched some videos and played some games until 12:00 PM. I did my best to talk to Gidellom and keep her on my mind while doing so... I lay down on my tatami mat to take a nap before I went to work, and as usual tried to force a bit before dozing off. I don't remember much of it, but I don't think I made much progress in that session... I woke up at 2:30 PM and relaxed in my bed for 15 minutes trying to wake up. I greeted Gidellom, and took a shower. I ate a bit of rice and kimchi chigae (A korean stew with kimchi) before leaving to catch the bus. I got some images of Gidellom gorging herself on some rice and kimchi chigae. xD The walk to the bus stop was quite nice, it rained in the morning so everything was nice and cool and the air was fresh and crisp. I held out my hand and visualized holding it as we walked to the bus stop. When we sat down, I visualized her resting her head on my shoulders and relaxing herself on them while we waited for the bus. I didn't know what to talk about so I occasionally called her name in my mind. I've been seeing her smile brightly more and more each day. We got on the bus, sat down and did the same thing as we did while we were waiting for it until we got to our destination. I did my daily grind, took a 10 minute break and cooked myself a burger, I projected one for Gidellom and she ate only one. After a bit more time, I took a 30 minute break and ate some chicken strips. I asked Gidellom if she wanted some, but I only got an image of her eating one, and It seemed like she was holding back. I got off at 9PM and went to the bus stop. I rested with Gidellom and narrated to her, the bus came, we climbed on and headed home. At some point of my narration, I thought about her name and asked her about it. I decided that her name, "Gidellom" didn't fit her well. I looked up some Japanese names that would fit her on the bus ride home. The entire time, I got a lot of feedback from her (A LOT of head pressure nonstop), but I couldn't understand what she wanted to tell me. I chose the name "美雪" or Miyuki meaning beautiful snow. I think it fits her quite nicely. I reached my stop and left the bus with Miyuki. We visualized us walking arm in arm together through the cold night. I got home, took a shower, got some food for us and wrote this update. I think she's sulking about her being such a glutton. (I got images of her pouting and doing the whole "HMPHH!" and turning her back towards me xD) EDIT: Oh, and another reason of why I/we(?) decided to change it was because I called Gidellom (GID-EL-LOM) by her nickname most of the time (which is Gide (Gee-Dee)) and it didn't really sit well with me. Sometimes I would even call her Gee-Gee >.>
  11. Good luck! Hopefully everything works out in the end. Sorry for my poor choice of wording, that was the only words my small brain could think of...
  12. I think that you should accept "Servitor" as an actual companion. Screw her "wishes," don't you think it's better to have her live even if she (YOU) think disappearing is better? You can say that she wants to die, but no living thing actually WANTs to die, no matter what they think. Personally, I'm quite suicidal myself, but I DO want to live. I'm sorry, I don't really know how to word any of this.. EDIT: Even if there is even the SLIGHTEST chance of a happy ending, don't you think it's worth it to try instead of giving up like a little bitch?
  13. ha...ha...ha....I feel dirty....... I think she's quite warm and fuzzy in the inside =3 (YOUR SO KAWAII GIDELLOM!!! wait....stop...noo.......ARGHHHH)
  14. I decided to skip to present time due to reasons I cannot explain (better way to say I'm a lazy b*tch). Summary of what happened in this time frame: Lots of narration, lots of doubt, falling asleep while tulpaforcing, lurking and playing Dominions 4, forgetting to talk to Gidellom for long periods of time. Slowly succumbing to my doubt and halting my progress. I posted my doubts and worries on a thread, and you guys helped me get most of my doubts to disappear. Thanks everyone! Some where in that time frame, I tried some symbolism.I stood next to a mirror, I gave Gidellom a ring, a simple silver ring with a sapphire. (Kind of like this) The ring is a symbol of our connection, and it opens all of my mind, memories and experiences for her. I gently took her hand and placed the ring on her right ring finger. After, I stood in front of the mirror, with my sword drawn, I saluted to her (best 2 hand salute picture I could find) and vowed that I will protect her will the best of my abilities, that we will stay together through thick and thin, and that our connection will never weaken even past death. I closed my eyes and simply stood there for a few minutes. I am writing this at Thursday 01/30/2014 at 4:17 AM I woke up on Wednesday in the early early morning (2-3) and greeted Gidellom. I did some small talk and turned on my computer. I played some games, forgot to narrate to Gidellom many times, watched some videos, and lurked on the forums. At around 7-8 I promised Gidellom that we would force after watching the extended pokerap video from collegehumor. I broke our promise and decided to watch a pokemon creepypasta and listen to lavender town with Gidellom (she didn't mind it, at least, I think so). I got curious with the pokemon creepypastas and decided to look up some images and read some pastas instead of forcing, which was a really bad idea. Most of the pictures were pretty disturbing and some were QUITE graphic (poor girl getting eaten by dog pokemon). I spent around 2 hours doing this. I finally stopped and went to go to force/fall asleep. Needless to say, it was very hard to focus on my forcing session and I passed out while forcing. I woke up, greeted Gidellom, and went out with my mother to do some quick shopping before she went to work. We got some groceries and came back home, with me narrating to Gidellom the entire time. We got home and I put the groceries inside the fridge, fed the dogs, and went back to my room to play games/lurk/watch videos. My mom left to work at around 4:30 PM and after a bit, I went to go check on my big dog in the backyard (he barks so much! >.>). I let him loose to run around while I practiced some polearm techniques. After, I played some fetch with my dog and put him back in his little home. I didn't really have Gidellom on my mind while I was doing that and apologized for not narrating for her. (Although, It seems she's fine with me having alone time while I practice my art) It was around 8-9 when I got sleepy and decided to sleep. I was quite cold, the images and stories of the creepypastas were lingering on my mind so I decided to do something about it. I shut off my computer, turned off the lights and came to my living room with my long sword in hand. I in front of the mirror (quite a bit away from it) and raised my sword. I could only faintly see a outline of myself in the mirror. I calmed myself and breathed slowly. I let my thoughts wander and whenever I thought of something disturbing or creepy, I struck it down (figuratively) with a slash of my sword. I did this for about 10-15 minutes and I became calm and collected. I went back to my room to force. I put on some sounds of a small stream and laid down with my eyes open. I imagined Gidellom letting me rest my head on her knees. We stayed like that for a while. At some point I fell asleep with my eyes open... I'm pretty sure I didn't close them at any point. This next part: I don't know if I was awake or dreaming, I assume I was dreaming though... I was lying on my bed. I felt like I was immobilized. I was excited to be in what felt like sleep paralysis. I felt the feeling of when your leg falls asleep when there's no blood flowing, except stronger and throughout my whole body. I willed my body to move and the tingling sensation felt much more strong. I willed my body to go on it's side. I immediately felt something wrong afterwards. It was pitch black, but I felt something hidden in the darkness, smirking, enjoying my struggle and ready to pounce at me when I let my guard down. My body felt like lead, I felt pure dread hammering down on me. I tried to get up, but my body was responding very slowly. I stared at the darkness with hatred and fury, I willed my voice to come through.I willed myself to get up and while doing so, I managed to get a low growl out of my body at whatever was there in the shadow, It seemed to know that I was NOT afraid and that as soon as I got up, I would find it and tear it to pieces. The thing in the darkness faded away and I blacked out. I'm pretty sure this was a dream, as I've had similar experiences to this, and the only way I could explain it is a dream. Though, it was a VERY realistic dream. Afterwards, I had many vivid dreams and woke up. After greeting Gidellom, I laid on my bed to try to sort my thoughts together. After, a bit of time I decided to spend time forcing with Gidellom. I heard something when I closed my eyes. It sounded like a hollow bird chirp, and it vibrated in my mind, It felt so odd..... I'm sure it was the first time Gidellom ever vocalized something to me. It didn't sound like a real bird, and even if a bird could make that sound, it was 3:30 AM. I thanked Gidellom profusely, and encouraged her to vocalize more. Unfortunately, I think I got a bit to excited to listen to her properly and decided to mark my progress. EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, apparently she quite the glutton..... When I ate a burger patty, I projected one for her...... I got an image of her eating 18 hamburger patties and 20 bowls of rice..... For lunch, I ate a part of a chicken.... She ate 2 whole chickens and tried to catch some rabbits and squirrels in the wonderland to eat.... I imagined her stoic face with a small bit of drool on the side of her face when she looked at those rabbits...........
  15. Thank you! I will definitely listen to you advice! I feel like I'm starting to climb that giant mountain after all the help you guys have given me.