halorser

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Everything posted by halorser

  1. I've also had the same problem, having a few pictures of similar looking people (or ponies) and looking at them from time to time might help out with the problem. I personally made a folder and crammed images that kind of resembled what my tulpa would look like and occasionally sifted through them.
  2. Thanks Kiahdaj! I'm really happy that you and everyone else are always here to give me advice and help me with my doubts. Mushy shit aside, Tuesday, Feb 11, 2014 I haven't been forcing for a while, I usually just fall asleep when I try. I'm still narrating to Miyuki as much as I can (as much as I can remember). I've set shower time as designated narrating time and I try to visualize eating with her whenever I eat a meal (Although I sometimes forget... >.<) . Progress is slower, probably because I'm burned out with the first/second week(s) of tulpaforcing. Miyuki has been supportive and quite understanding (I think) of progress or lack of. I still don't think I've heard her real "voice" yet, but it's a goal we will reach someday! I need to try harder, for her sake! Fight On!!!!! (I'm so goddamn lazy....)
  3. Hope everything goes well! Lying down might make you fall asleep after a bit, I have big problem with that.....
  4. Sat Feb 08, 2014 Not much in this update, did some taxes, fought with my mom, normal stuffs. Hmmm, to make this post more intresting....I'm going to write some icky self degrading s**t. I'm quite attracted to Miyuki. I get quite a bit of intrusive and dirty thoughts about her, which I feel really guilty for. I "gave" her a selfless and loving personality which makes me even more guilty about it... Blarghhh.......................I hate myself right now..
  5. 1. Is it possible for you to subconsciously force a tulpa to change her(/his/it's) personality? A bit of back-story for the 1st question: I gave my tulpa a nickname(?) due to pronunciation problems/aesthetic reasons (Gidellom to Miyuki). By coincidence, the name "Miyuki" is also a character in a light novel. It seems like she's picking up traits of that character from the novel and I'm worried that I'm subconsciously forcing her to become that character. 2. This isn't much of a question, but I'd like to hear your intake on this experience. When I was asking my tulpa a question (Not sure if she's vocal yet or not), I parroted(?) a reply, but got 2 answers in different languages. (Ex: Questions: Do you like _____? Answers: "Yes" and "Hai" (Japanese for "yes"). Is it possible for someone to say something in their mind twice at the same time in different languages or should I interpret it as my Tulpa talking?
  6. Thursday, Feb 06, 2014 Hasn't been much progress, which, is to be expected I guess. Normal days, working at Sonic,falling asleep while forcing, narrating to her as much as I can, ect... Not entirely used to calling Gidellom by her new name, Miyuki, but it should be fine. She seems to be deviating quite a bit. When I first "developed her personality," she was cold (mentally and psychically), shy, honest, and collected. She seems more warmer, and seems more shy. I'm getting more images of her smiling or turning red like a cherry instead of looking stoic and calm. She seems less of a stoic, almost robotic personality, and more of a shy and sweet little sister(?). On a side note, while narrating in the shower, I asked her something in the shower, and I think I parroted a response the same time she tried to say something. She answered in japanese while I said it the same time in english.
  7. My tulpa's name are Gidellom/Miyuki. I made the name "Gidellom" with the Hebrew alphabet. Her "real" name is GDLLM. We decided to rename her Miyuki though, as I think it's more fitting and is easier to say. Miyuki means "beautiful snow" in Japanese, which fits her quite well.
  8. I also had a similar nightmares. I dont think they are not nessarily tulpa related (I've had them before tulpamancing or lucid dreaming aswell). If it's a lucid dream, try to will the "bad" away (fighting, screaming at it, etc.....). The best thing to remember is, it's your dream, you have control over it.
  9. My tulpa, Miyuki (Gidellom) seems like she's trying to talk to me. I'm positive that she's trying to talk through head pressure, random emotions, and images or actions or facial expressions. I'm not entirely sure that she's talking to me with yes/no answers or random thoughts. I can't seem to decipher her thoughts from mine. Is there an exercise/method/anything to decipher her thoughts from mine or understand what she's trying to say or is it just something you need time with?
  10. Thursday, Jan 30, 2014 11:24 PM After writing my update, I lurked the forums, watched some videos and played some games until 12:00 PM. I did my best to talk to Gidellom and keep her on my mind while doing so... I lay down on my tatami mat to take a nap before I went to work, and as usual tried to force a bit before dozing off. I don't remember much of it, but I don't think I made much progress in that session... I woke up at 2:30 PM and relaxed in my bed for 15 minutes trying to wake up. I greeted Gidellom, and took a shower. I ate a bit of rice and kimchi chigae (A korean stew with kimchi) before leaving to catch the bus. I got some images of Gidellom gorging herself on some rice and kimchi chigae. xD The walk to the bus stop was quite nice, it rained in the morning so everything was nice and cool and the air was fresh and crisp. I held out my hand and visualized holding it as we walked to the bus stop. When we sat down, I visualized her resting her head on my shoulders and relaxing herself on them while we waited for the bus. I didn't know what to talk about so I occasionally called her name in my mind. I've been seeing her smile brightly more and more each day. We got on the bus, sat down and did the same thing as we did while we were waiting for it until we got to our destination. I did my daily grind, took a 10 minute break and cooked myself a burger, I projected one for Gidellom and she ate only one. After a bit more time, I took a 30 minute break and ate some chicken strips. I asked Gidellom if she wanted some, but I only got an image of her eating one, and It seemed like she was holding back. I got off at 9PM and went to the bus stop. I rested with Gidellom and narrated to her, the bus came, we climbed on and headed home. At some point of my narration, I thought about her name and asked her about it. I decided that her name, "Gidellom" didn't fit her well. I looked up some Japanese names that would fit her on the bus ride home. The entire time, I got a lot of feedback from her (A LOT of head pressure nonstop), but I couldn't understand what she wanted to tell me. I chose the name "美雪" or Miyuki meaning beautiful snow. I think it fits her quite nicely. I reached my stop and left the bus with Miyuki. We visualized us walking arm in arm together through the cold night. I got home, took a shower, got some food for us and wrote this update. I think she's sulking about her being such a glutton. (I got images of her pouting and doing the whole "HMPHH!" and turning her back towards me xD) EDIT: Oh, and another reason of why I/we(?) decided to change it was because I called Gidellom (GID-EL-LOM) by her nickname most of the time (which is Gide (Gee-Dee)) and it didn't really sit well with me. Sometimes I would even call her Gee-Gee >.>
  11. Good luck! Hopefully everything works out in the end. Sorry for my poor choice of wording, that was the only words my small brain could think of...
  12. I think that you should accept "Servitor" as an actual companion. Screw her "wishes," don't you think it's better to have her live even if she (YOU) think disappearing is better? You can say that she wants to die, but no living thing actually WANTs to die, no matter what they think. Personally, I'm quite suicidal myself, but I DO want to live. I'm sorry, I don't really know how to word any of this.. EDIT: Even if there is even the SLIGHTEST chance of a happy ending, don't you think it's worth it to try instead of giving up like a little bitch?
  13. ha...ha...ha....I feel dirty....... I think she's quite warm and fuzzy in the inside =3 (YOUR SO KAWAII GIDELLOM!!! wait....stop...noo.......ARGHHHH)
  14. I decided to skip to present time due to reasons I cannot explain (better way to say I'm a lazy b*tch). Summary of what happened in this time frame: Lots of narration, lots of doubt, falling asleep while tulpaforcing, lurking and playing Dominions 4, forgetting to talk to Gidellom for long periods of time. Slowly succumbing to my doubt and halting my progress. I posted my doubts and worries on a thread, and you guys helped me get most of my doubts to disappear. Thanks everyone! Some where in that time frame, I tried some symbolism.I stood next to a mirror, I gave Gidellom a ring, a simple silver ring with a sapphire. (Kind of like this) The ring is a symbol of our connection, and it opens all of my mind, memories and experiences for her. I gently took her hand and placed the ring on her right ring finger. After, I stood in front of the mirror, with my sword drawn, I saluted to her (best 2 hand salute picture I could find) and vowed that I will protect her will the best of my abilities, that we will stay together through thick and thin, and that our connection will never weaken even past death. I closed my eyes and simply stood there for a few minutes. I am writing this at Thursday 01/30/2014 at 4:17 AM I woke up on Wednesday in the early early morning (2-3) and greeted Gidellom. I did some small talk and turned on my computer. I played some games, forgot to narrate to Gidellom many times, watched some videos, and lurked on the forums. At around 7-8 I promised Gidellom that we would force after watching the extended pokerap video from collegehumor. I broke our promise and decided to watch a pokemon creepypasta and listen to lavender town with Gidellom (she didn't mind it, at least, I think so). I got curious with the pokemon creepypastas and decided to look up some images and read some pastas instead of forcing, which was a really bad idea. Most of the pictures were pretty disturbing and some were QUITE graphic (poor girl getting eaten by dog pokemon). I spent around 2 hours doing this. I finally stopped and went to go to force/fall asleep. Needless to say, it was very hard to focus on my forcing session and I passed out while forcing. I woke up, greeted Gidellom, and went out with my mother to do some quick shopping before she went to work. We got some groceries and came back home, with me narrating to Gidellom the entire time. We got home and I put the groceries inside the fridge, fed the dogs, and went back to my room to play games/lurk/watch videos. My mom left to work at around 4:30 PM and after a bit, I went to go check on my big dog in the backyard (he barks so much! >.>). I let him loose to run around while I practiced some polearm techniques. After, I played some fetch with my dog and put him back in his little home. I didn't really have Gidellom on my mind while I was doing that and apologized for not narrating for her. (Although, It seems she's fine with me having alone time while I practice my art) It was around 8-9 when I got sleepy and decided to sleep. I was quite cold, the images and stories of the creepypastas were lingering on my mind so I decided to do something about it. I shut off my computer, turned off the lights and came to my living room with my long sword in hand. I in front of the mirror (quite a bit away from it) and raised my sword. I could only faintly see a outline of myself in the mirror. I calmed myself and breathed slowly. I let my thoughts wander and whenever I thought of something disturbing or creepy, I struck it down (figuratively) with a slash of my sword. I did this for about 10-15 minutes and I became calm and collected. I went back to my room to force. I put on some sounds of a small stream and laid down with my eyes open. I imagined Gidellom letting me rest my head on her knees. We stayed like that for a while. At some point I fell asleep with my eyes open... I'm pretty sure I didn't close them at any point. This next part: I don't know if I was awake or dreaming, I assume I was dreaming though... I was lying on my bed. I felt like I was immobilized. I was excited to be in what felt like sleep paralysis. I felt the feeling of when your leg falls asleep when there's no blood flowing, except stronger and throughout my whole body. I willed my body to move and the tingling sensation felt much more strong. I willed my body to go on it's side. I immediately felt something wrong afterwards. It was pitch black, but I felt something hidden in the darkness, smirking, enjoying my struggle and ready to pounce at me when I let my guard down. My body felt like lead, I felt pure dread hammering down on me. I tried to get up, but my body was responding very slowly. I stared at the darkness with hatred and fury, I willed my voice to come through.I willed myself to get up and while doing so, I managed to get a low growl out of my body at whatever was there in the shadow, It seemed to know that I was NOT afraid and that as soon as I got up, I would find it and tear it to pieces. The thing in the darkness faded away and I blacked out. I'm pretty sure this was a dream, as I've had similar experiences to this, and the only way I could explain it is a dream. Though, it was a VERY realistic dream. Afterwards, I had many vivid dreams and woke up. After greeting Gidellom, I laid on my bed to try to sort my thoughts together. After, a bit of time I decided to spend time forcing with Gidellom. I heard something when I closed my eyes. It sounded like a hollow bird chirp, and it vibrated in my mind, It felt so odd..... I'm sure it was the first time Gidellom ever vocalized something to me. It didn't sound like a real bird, and even if a bird could make that sound, it was 3:30 AM. I thanked Gidellom profusely, and encouraged her to vocalize more. Unfortunately, I think I got a bit to excited to listen to her properly and decided to mark my progress. EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, apparently she quite the glutton..... When I ate a burger patty, I projected one for her...... I got an image of her eating 18 hamburger patties and 20 bowls of rice..... For lunch, I ate a part of a chicken.... She ate 2 whole chickens and tried to catch some rabbits and squirrels in the wonderland to eat.... I imagined her stoic face with a small bit of drool on the side of her face when she looked at those rabbits...........
  15. Thank you! I will definitely listen to you advice! I feel like I'm starting to climb that giant mountain after all the help you guys have given me.
  16. I started Tulpamancing her 4-5 days before 01/27/2014 TLDR:I made her form, personality and wonderland around a year(ish) ago. I don't know if she was a tulpa or not back then. Back then, I had no will to live (not as depressing as as the words imply). I googled "Is there magic in this world" as a joke after waking up on the floor in my sleeping bag (personal choice =X). I read some articles, visited some websites and came across some mediation instructions and "magic" websites/articles/videos. The most interesting subject for me was sigils and evocation, I didn't really believe it to be true, but I decided to make a sigil of an Undine. I made the name "GDLLOM" (or GiDeLLoM) based on the hebrew alphabet which defined her characteristics. I drew her sigil on a Rose Cross Sigil and memorized it. I mediated and created a place for her in my mind to live (a hole in the ground) and never forgot her. When I mediated, I came to her home and interacted with her. I don't know if that counts as a tulpa or not, but when I learned about tulpas, she was the first thing that came to my mind.
  17. Thanks everyone for responding and giving me advice (trying to empower that sentence with the force of the mushy, but my writing skills are severely lacking......). On a side note, I hope I'm not coming off as rude or worse, an asshole......I always feel like I'm attacking someone when I reply. >.< I do try talk to Gidellom every time I can remember, I try to read to her in my mind whenever I read or write something, I try to ask her things and narrate to her. Most of the time though, I have no idea what to say and I just end up repeating her name. When I'm on my computer I tend to forgot about her often and I apologize to her, when I practice my swordsmanship, it feels like shes gives me a bit of space. I guess I'm just worried that I haven't made any progress and that made me anxious and uncalm (Myself to myself:that's not a word you idiot!!!!) Ugh, rereading that made me feel like an asshole T.T
  18. Hello guys, I recently started making a tulpa and as I was walking the long and perilous path of tulpamancing, I seem to hit a impassable mountain. For the few days I've been working on my tulpa, everything was smooth sailing, I narrated like a madman (and I "think" I got responses), felt lots of head pressure, and my force sessions were full of exciting events (hearing sounds, getting stabbed, getting some deviation, going on adventures, more stabbing, ect...). But, now I have no idea what to do... I can't calm my mind down enough to start forcing, I fall asleep while forcing and when I wake up, my mind is trying to run 8 laps around my skull. I forget to narrate to her A LOT and I can't visualize her that well anymore... Also, a side note, this entire time, I've just been full of so much doubt, even though I've had steady progress and It feels like she's responding and even answering my questions with simple yes or no answers, but I can't help thinking that's I'm parroting her. I know it's unreasonable to think I'm consciously parroting her answers, but I really can't tell the difference between me consciously doing it and subconsciously doing it. Am I simply tired and should I take a break?
  19. Thanks for the encouragement! =3 I think writing this is really helping me enforce visualizing her. The Fourth Day. I had quite a vivid dream where I fought a dragon with a party of adventurers in the first person. Sadly, when I woke up I didn't remember if Gidellom was there or not =(. I woke up a bit early that day and lurked on the forums on my laptop. I've felt some head pressure and I heard Gidellom or myself say something in the lines of "come here for a second". I am pretty doubtful that it was actually her talking, but I accepted it anyways. I went through my usual process of getting to our wonderland. I just remembered, I didn't explain our wonderland at all! >.< TLDR: It's a hole in the ground with water in the middle. Long version: Our wonderland is a deep chasm with a mini lake (a bit bigger than a pond) in the middle supplied by a small waterfall from a stream above the chasm (Kind of like this). Here's a simplified picture of our area. There are trees, plants and animals in our wonderland, typically what you would find in a japanese forest area. Bamboo grows in patches next to the water in the wet soil and koi fish swim energetically in the water. There is a special type of flower that grows in our wonderland, it's white ,glows faintly in the dark, only blossoms at night, and is quite cold to the touch. We have a pavilion that is set in middle of the lake with some simple furnishing (A bed, table, chairs and a small bookshelf lit with some lanterns and candles hanging from the center supports and from the ceiling. There is a simple small cottage made of wood and paper in the east side of the wonderland. On the west side the waterfall comes down and trickles into the lake in a small stream. A bit north of the waterfall and north west of the lake is an exit to a separate place of my "mind." The air in the wonderland has a earthy smell to it and is quite humid (not icky humid, but , cold nice humid (like strolling outside in a foggy morning). You could hear insects chirping, bird singing and animals moving about. At daytime, sunlight shines nicely into the chasm and lights the place up very well. When the sun sets and the moon appears...... the wonderland's atmosphere changes....it becomes too beautiful to describe (I shall try my best). Moonlight trickles in and bathes everything in a silver light. The water captures the moonlight, making it glow dimly, the birds stop singing, the insects quiet down, and the animals lay down and rest. The white flowers blossoms giving them an eerie blueish white glow. The fireflies wake up and dance in the air while Gidellom heads to the lake. She silently drifts near the waterside glowing dimly in the moonlight. She removes her sandals and places them at the edge of the water and slowly strolls on the surface of the water, lightly freezing the water wherever she touches. She silently moves to the centermost part of the lake, and gently sits down in a posture that radiates elegance. The door of the exit on the north side of the wonderland is a mossy dark wooden door with no handle. It opens when you wish it too and inside is long marble hallway with black and white tiling on the ground. The hall is lined with statues of guards with their spears held next to them. At the end of the hallway is a shimmering force field holding an entire sea from flooding into our wonderland. Passing through the force field is an empty white sea with no waves, eerie silence and imposes a sense of emptiness. That was way longer than I meant it to be..... >.< Anyways, back to the story, I did my usual routine to get to my wonderland (Sank to the entrance of my wonderland) and went through the door to our wonderland. I immediately knew something was wrong, Gidellom came to me covered in blood and ran me through in the stomach with her ice-hand. The wonderland itself was eerie red and seemed alien to me. I had no idea what was going on and I just stood there and let it play out. I'm not really sure what this all meant and how I should take from this event....eventually though, I dismissed it as a bit of deviance from my framework of her personality and my stupid mind doing stupid things. After this incident, when I think of Gidellom, smiling a sweet innocent smile that warms me every time I think of it (and her greeting me with a stab to the stomach when I say/think something really crazy). I went to work that day and had a 3 hour shift, nothing special happened, I felt head pressure whenever I thought of Gidellom and parroted(?) yes or no answers when I asked her questions. After work, I talked in the shower, cleaned myself up and decided to try out Linkzelda's awesome hypnosis scripts. I got myself in a night suggestible state and started forcing. I closed my eyes, and simply listened and focused my thoughts on Gidellom. I heard melodies again had instances where I would hear absolutely nothing (I was listening to white noise) as if my ears turned off for a millisecond. I heard some voices and thoughts that I think weren't mine own, but I couldn't process them into actual words. I heard some vocals appearing in the songs, but It sounded like just gibberish. Then I heard absolutely nothing...the white noise I was listening to simply dissipated instantly....my heart sank like a stone and I lost all concentration (this was at around 2AM). I carefully opened my eyes and...... My laptop overheated and shut off >.>
  20. Granted, but all the old grannies will try to scrub their clothes on your abs I wish I wasn't Justin Bieber's manager
  21. EDIT: Gidellom's new name is "美雪" (Miyuki) meaning beautiful snow. Hello everyone, I'm Dan, I suck at writing and expressing my thoughts, so I hope you find this bearable >.< I decided to create a Tulpa after finding a post about them while rummaging through the cesspool of the interwebs ("COUGH" "COUGH" 4chan). The post itself made me sick and said something in the lines of, "I use my Tulpa as a sex-slave blah blah blah." I thought, "hmmmmm what is this idiot talking about" and decided to google the word "tulpa". What I found was something to good to be true, a sentient being sharing a brain with you? So, I decided to find and read anything related to tulpas to get a better grasp at what a tulpa is. I started right away after I crammed all the knowledge I could into my tiny little brain! A few months ago, I was quite the wreck, I decided that meditation, and learning about magic (not learning how to do spells and stuff, more in the lines of how it could have worked and the history behind it, particularly sigils) would help myself pick myself together. I created a sigil of an undine named GDLLM or Gidellom based on the hebrew alphabet just for funs. Surprisingly, I never forgot her or the sigil I created for her. When I thought about what my tulpa would be, I knew it was Gidellom (Gi-Dee for short). Everything I thought about her instantly clicked into a neat picture. TLDR: Best way to describe her is a yuki-onna. Long Description: She is quite fair skinned (she's ****cking pale), has long white silky hair, very very light blue eyes (kind of like this). She has flushed cheeks and light pink lips, and she has a very stoic look 80% of the time. Her body (oh lord) is quite slim and her chest is not as ample as other females......(Wait....no...stop....Owwww....OWWWWWWW), she looks as if she is around the age of 17-21. She wears many different forms of japanese dress, ranging from hakamas, kimonos, or miko garbs, mostly in the color of white and light blue, or white and red (with matching sandals!!!!). She quite cold (hehe...get it?.....I'll excuse myself....), emotionless, and looks as if she was a doll on the exterior (think Yuki Nagato from Haruhi Suzumiya). On the inside she's actually quite shy and emotional, but doesn't really know how to show it. It's quite fun teasing her and making her red as a cherry (although she tends to counter with a sharp icicle in the back >.>). She's quite the loyal companion, but she's brutally honest about everything even if it ends up hurting the other person. OH lord I wrote way too much... I decided to start this report on Mon, 01/27/2014 and it's been around 4 days since I've started. The first night I forced her personality and visualized her, I also read even more guides and fell asleep thinking about her. The second day I got up, said hello, practiced some swordsmanship and narrated to her like a madman. I got a call from my workplace and told me I was late to work.....I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WORKED THAT DAY.... I walked to the bus station imagining Gidellom next to me, but I eventually gave up and imagined a chibi version of her sitting on my shoulder. When I talked to her, I got simple yes or not answers in my own voice and started freaking out. I thought I that this was to early and I'm parroting her, therefore ruining her, so I frantically looked for guides/tips about parroting. I calmed down after reading many people in a similar situation as me and decided that I was worrying about nothing. I got to my workplace about a hour late and worked throughout the night constantly talking to Gidellom, to the point of repeating her name in my head when I didn't know what to say. Work ended, I went home, talked to her in the shower, and did some visualization and personality forcing and fell asleep midway. The Third day: I woke at around 3PM and went to work, talking to Gidellom, trying to get a feel of her next to me, and trying to calm my mind of doubts. We were quite busy at work today (I work as a carhop at Sonic) and we only had 4 people there, 1 cook, 1 manager, 1 drive thru person and me vs a wrapped drive-thru and every stall full of angry people in angry cars. I was extremely angry at everything, I just wanted to walk out (skate out >..>) and leave. This was my 6th day in a row with 6-8 hour shifts each day. We managed to pull through and I took out the last order wanting to just hurl it at our customer. I took it out managed to calmly give them their food and skated back into our shop. It was quite a weird experience, I felt all my anger dissipate instantly and just felt calm and collected. I decided to attribute this experience as Gidellom's doing and I thanked her. After a bit more grinding at work, I went home, talked in the shower like a lunatic and fell asleep while forcing. While forcing I started hearing melodies in my mind and thought, oh hey she's trying to talk to me and fell asleep. That was the first time in my life where I ever heard any melodies like that.
  22. Granted, except now there's a $15 monthly fee. I wish I had a better job.
  23. Yup, I was looking for my nametag and shouting at everyone in my workplace if they've seen it....... I found it because I accidentally stabbed myself with it.... Have you ever been caught masturbating, and finished after the victim left awkwardly?
  24. I like my earbuds! Next person is lurking instead of working on their tulpa. (Like me)
  25. Hello! Fellow newbie here, I think looking through a bunch of pictures of women/animal/pony/whatever (wow, that sounded really wrong in my mind) would help you visualize your tulpa, just scroll through google images for example, your brain will remember for you and when you sit/lay down for your session, your brain will build an image easier of what you wish to see. Same for voices, I've just listened to songs, voice actors, ect... to get a feel of what I think my tulpa sounds like.