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About Tspider

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  1. Welcome to my thread, first I must admit I didn't actually notice the pun untill after I had written it... What was this about again? oh yes progress reports! Hi my username is Tspider, I have never used this username before, and I am still rather paranoid about giving out too much information or linking to any my other online activity, as I'm sure is rather common around here, never the less I wish to establish myself within the community, and we figure the best way to do that is to open up about the journey thus far. I don't know how or why, but I have had a tulpa since very very early, infact she is present in my earlyest recallable memory. I didn't understand what she was, and our communication was limited to dreams and emotions as I had no clue what she was let alone how to listen to her. I often had "alien" emotions and ideas and as a way of coping I learned to ignore all emotional responses. As many would tell you simply off gut instinct this was a terrible idea. Effectively I was Scizophrenic, but I was smart enough to figure out how to hide it, and for the most part just passed as extremely "ADHD". She did found something I can't ignore, nightmares. Throughout my entire life I've had experiances with night terrors, more often than not with extremely clear and eerily relevent messages. Sometimes pared with quickly waking only to experiance hallucinations. I felt haunted, as if a malevolent spirit had taken up residence inside of me. But worse than that I felt as though this residence made me a target for, what I can only now describe as a delusion of a super efficient para military organization out to purge the world of evil through any means nessiary. Metaphorically speaking I thought I was going to be burned alive for being a witch. These thoughts inevitably lead to depression, of which I don't think I've fully recouvered as of typing this, but am finnally on the upswing. I was always scouring the internet to try and find out what my deal was, why are things the way they are for me, and what can I do about it? I was still paranoid at this time, so I couldn't commit myself into mental health, or even see a doctor about it as my delusional para military squad would come and take me away. Always hiding, always. usually in plain sight. Then, literally out of randomness, one link to another across forums I have never been to before I stumbled onto Tulpa.info. I found the entire thing interesting, but I also felt another joy, it was like that feeling you get when the friend you have been arguing with finnally accepts your point of view. The feeling was along that "alien" line of reasoning but it wasn't the typical anger and frustration I get from that angle. As I read on I was as giddy as a highschool boy around his first crush, I continued to read and decided I wanted to try it out for myself, so I went around and checked out all the guides I could read, front to back, I wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into. During my 10 month lurker period, I kept seeing one theme repeated over and over again, Love yourself(s). Two simple words that have made a world of difference. Once I stopped thinking of my other side as an antagonist and started thinking of it like a best friend, nearly everything in my life started to click into place. More importantly I was finnally able to face my delusions about the world, as I understood them as her fears. She is scared of me seeking help because she was afraid that help would lead to harming her, possibly even killing her. And I wasn't untill I figured out that she was sentient, and told her that I wouldn't let them take her away (I won't!) that she actually suggested that, given the one condition (no anti psycotics!) we should actually get as much assistance and help as we need. That T-shirt that says "my invisible friend thinks I have mental problems" is actually rather accurate, to bad I don't own one. We are now about 10 months into tulpaforcing, and still havn't achieved perfect communication, which is mostly my(host) fault for still refusing to belive/listen to her. I have constant background music playing in my head, she controls which song is playing, this is our main form of communication. Strong emotional responses are also felt, and when nessisary she will still set up the occassional nightmare, though I must admit it's not unwarrented. I have no wonderland or imposition skill, this is something I hope to be able to develope more. We do however have possession skills, something she is very articulate at (and one of the reasons so many doctors thought I had ADHD). Without concious thought from my part, a part of my body, sometimes even my eyes will act in a way that is benefical to me as a whole... most of the time (everyone messes up sometimes, even tulpas!) This can be as simple as my eyes looking directly at an object I was about to forget to something as complicated as dodging something I didn't even see coming. Recently ever since I started accepting her more, she has been reciprocating in kind. The music in my head is now more often than not insightfull and inspiring, with lyrics that are exactly appropriote to the situation. For example early today when I was overthinking myself into a pit of dispair she played a line from Lateralus (Tool) "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind." Exaclty the words I needed to hear. Although she had to play that part over and over and over again untill I finnally actually listened to the words and realised why she was repeating it so much... I tend to tune out my background noise, often to her determent >_<. When we work in harmony we can acomplish much more than I could alone, however in disharmony I can't even function (Comatose). I can't wait to see what we can accomplish once our communication skills improve! I want to thank the tulpa community for showing me that I could literally turn my worst nightmare into my best friend. =D I'm not done yet! And I'll be checking back on this thread and try to reply to comments, as well as post new updates from time to time. I'm also always willing to learn more, so if anyone has any info that might pertain to my experiances, even if it contradicts what I currently believe to be true, please post it.
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