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Everything posted by Aarix

  1. 08/31/2020 Year 8. Nothing eventful about it, before too long it would have been a full decade. I've basically have been forced to accept that things are how they are and will not change. Not through anything dramatic or through any sudden realization but just through being well past jaded. I occassionally get bursts to attempt when I have the resolve to do so and repeating the cycle of frustration. I still occassionally look through as many resources as I can. Pretty much anyone from long ago that had a sincere interest in Tulpas are pretty much gone. At least out of my life. I still let them do their own thing the best that I can but as I've mentioned, it does not develop. It's a stretch to say that it maintains. Things are overall good in life, espeicially compared to long ago but there are still moments that I wish there was more I could've done. I'm not a patient person and I never have nor does it look like I ever will get my act together and expecting it to click just doesn't seem to be on the table. I'm grateful that I've gone as far as seen her in some brief, very fuzzy lucid dreams but that would be the equivalent of throwing me a bone. I've had amazing support in the past, as well as the general asshats on here. I've been at the intermediate point for a long time and forever stuck. At least as a beginner, you have fresh hope, resources to learn and experiment and you can relate to all the forum posts now as oppose to sink or swim. The fatigue I feel from this comes and goes. It stings pretty bad when it's here. I now and again communciate with her but I've noticed the comparisons with things like the lucid dreams I mentioned. Very fuzzy, very brief, very unstimulating. It seems to further sink in exactly how broken my mind is. The complete opposite of some where they have some kind of other entity but can't manage them. I've noticed a fair bit of people trying to see if other entites are tulpas that are preceived as multiple personalities. I don't have a horse in that race. This progress report will probably be the most mundane and uneventful one. I can't exactly make a goal to do X before a decade hits. That's just asking me to fall back in that cycle of frustration again. I'll forever be grateful I dug myself out of a lot of general life hardships throughout the years and now I'll just take things day by day. Things could've been better but I'm fully aware they could've been a lot worse. EDIT: I should probably note just to have something that a I've commissioned a full body avatar a while ago of her. This is a brief video of it in action: Unforuntely it has not really helped with anything with visualization, let alone imposition. In short, nothing. Fingers crossed for something before I die. Thanks for all the support I receive.
  2. Sorry I never got a chance to see these messages. Went through sleep studies before and nothing was found from them. I'll concede in my views here since I'm not as active as I used to me but I've lurked a fair amount and always felt it wasn't taken serious enough or it was mostly being used a way to fit into a community. But that could be the cynic in me since I know you can work hard in developing as well as have fun in forums. Appreciate the post. There isn't a specific problem. I just seem to have a myriad of different issues that I can't try and tackle anymore. Maybe it's learning helplessness or anxiety but I'm tired. There is a specific skillset needed that I just can't develop. I heard the analogy of playing tennis with a baseball bat. I'm stuck in a cycle that makes brings too much to even try and develop further anymore. All the laying and mind conversation has not done a thing.
  3. 07/21 We're now at year 7. I planned to wait a little later but it really doesn't matter. I've heard from a few sources this is where accidental thoughtforms were at their best. Around the 7th year mark without very much effort, just rolling with it. The foundation for the rest of my life has been worked on since I started. I've learned a lot more about myself and the general self reflection stuff. I've kind of just learn to enjoy the benefits of not having to deal with the traditional baggage one feels around people on a regular basis. Staying mindful and keeping my sights on the big picture to the best of my ability and exposing myself to positive vibes. Has done a noticeable amount of good for me. Now for the actual progress, I've always read everything I can to see if there isn't something I'm missing and I do sincerely appreciate all of the help and encouraging words throughout the year but I feel like I may be a permanent victim of ironic process theory. I'm broke in the most unproductive way to getting the desired results no matter how much I've persevered. I just don't seem to have the hardware nor can I emulate it. I've let her flow though as seamless as possible for a very long time and none of it hit me personally. Most days I can handle that looming over me and some it just hurts really damn bad. It's a fight with a burning desire deep inside of a burned out head. At this is I seem to be too tired but too afraid to settle and accept that what I've gotten will hath to do until the I die knowing I did my best and there's just nothing here for me. The first stage is generally the sensation of company and that's only noticeable with complete absence. There's no avenue I can seem to strike a chisel at. I really have been trying so hard because this is the last thing I need in my life. I've busted my ass off getting the rest of my life to the point I want it and I can gratefully say that aspect of my life was even better than I could've ever hope for but now I'm split between these two feelings. It's messy and I remain at an impasse. There's only theories and ideas on subjects such as this. Nothing concrete and nothing guaranteed. Communication is there albeit interment and flows a bit but that's how it's been forever. I don't think I have it in me. I'm pretty much stuck just passing time and hoping for the best but some days are harder to cope than most. (Counting my blessing it's not most days) I've recently read Koomer's AMA and how he regretted using this as a tool to escape lives problems. Whether this is my key issue or not, I honestly don't think the result would have been any different. I just felt like it was the most compatible thing to do in a world where I'm pretty much incompatible with. That's basically all I have to show for these last two years. I don't know what to feel or think about it. I know this is something that I have to do by myself and I'm cracking under that pressure mixed with wanting something comforting like that in my life. Again, I thank all of the help and support everyone has tried to bestow onto me but I'm just doing my best not accepting that this is how it's going to be forever and I'm just a lost cause with my only strategy is to mitigate the pain. I don't know how to bend my mind the other way to fully break that barrier. I'm sorry I can't reassure newer people.
  4. 9/2 A five year milestone has passed it seemed. I've spend well near all of it worrying, trying to get a good mental foundation on going about this. If I could go back to starting, I'm not sure there was too much that would have changed. Some of the underlining issues were lack of peace from my surrounding and chronic fatigue. Most of my experiences have been riddled with stress and anxiety. Actually only recently things have shown opportunities to get better given I am now in control of my environment that I never was before thanks to being able to move alone now. It's always been a game of planning for a right moment and striking on that. Now I'm too afraid that'll I'll lose momentum again with very little reason on why. There isn't much in terms of guidance on the internet anymore. I've read everything I can imagine. Now it's full of people that are new and trying hard like I was long ago, down to just doing the equivalent of roleplaying. I really only update this anymore due to letting people know that just having and wanting, as well as passive work will not be enough. Nor will only using them to talk online (Discord, Skype, IRC) will do a thing. No progress will come of that if you intend to interact with them like a person outside of the computer. I have a better chance having peace and quiet which indirectly soothed my head from all the anxiety of worrying about life stuff. I got more lucky than I ever imagined. Right now I need to figure out how to handle fatigue. I've basically given up on Medicine, specialists, caffeine, and different sleep cycles. I only hope I can will it and I only hope it'll be temporary before progress starts taking off. I always took it very serious. I can only hope that soon I get my shit together soon and have something more hopeful to say on her 6th birthday. I don't see much of a success story lately. She'll always be around, that's never going to change. The issue is being around me.
  5. 8/31 Happy 4th birthday. In retrospect an insignificant number. I wish I possessed more to say to warrant more than a yearly update. Hell even now I don't have as much to say. All of this time I've been craving the peace both mentally and environmentally to break away at all of my problems. Not too long ago I hit a 20 day streak that got interrupted by issues I'm struggling to mitigate. It's been an agonizing few years and the more it passes, the more I need to feel some hope and reassurce from her and the less I am capable of doing so. I've read as much material as I could find. Scour many different communities from a handful of websites to find someones input and perspective that I could find some kind of hope for. As I approach the end of my education, I've had all hopes in my personal life for a stable and more importantly, peaceful environment to finally help myself to essential fix the both of us. It also was the first year of Samantha's sister and head mate that aids in stability in places I need it. At this phase of my life, everything mentally hurts. Like a really bad gnawing infected tooth only mentally. I've never felt as much out of hope as I do now and various methods and treatments has seised to assist me. I've lost a lot of my sanity trying to juggle life and this tulpa. I feel ruined. All I can do is wait in agony to find a way to pursue a better life starting with starting a career. Looking back, I don't believe many people here take it very seriously, I don't believe a tulpa is guaranteed by throwing effort at it. It doesn't seem to be a traditional skill. I argue in 10 years almost no one will still have much of a tulpa. Most what I've seen is messes. No matter how bad it gets they'll be around in whatever form they are in. I can only hope by next year life throws me the bone I need to actually feel an ounce of energy to sit down and force. In the meantime, I just am in no shape or ability to do much good to them and I truly wish they were in better hands. I'm just so tired of having an imaginary friend and no sense of self worth or security. TL;DR nothing changed
  6. 8/30 Well here we are, Tomorrow is Samantha's 3rd "Birthday". I suppose it warrants enough to post here. I had my own expectations, and hopes and desires when devoting so much to her. I figured it all came with time with enough belief and trust in them. So far none of it has shown. Three years, I've never stopped finding out ways to actually get past that wall to feel closer to her. To feel any sort of comfort from her presence. The only things that came from this for the most part is a lot of drama, bullshit and the more vivid realization that I am a complete idiot. I can't active force well, even with the wristband, I barely am able to passive force. I can't impose. I can't feel her. I can't do any kind of sensory. I can't get any feedback. I'm tired. Excruciatingly tired. Sleep doesn't help, nor does caffeine. I'm trying to succeed in everything I can but all I do is mess things up. I've read all the guides, I've experimented with so many different things. I wish she didn't have to be around what she is outside of the mindscape. The environment is horrible, the more time passes, the more I need her here. I haven't yet got it together like I thought I would after three years. Am I to believe this will happen on its own in time as well? I don't have a choice but to find out. My life is significantly more worthless in comparison to her so for reasons like that and many others. She's not going anywhere. I'll just continue on trying but I mean it. I wake up so tired. Sleep doesn't change it. I can't get past that wall. I can't get more out of the cold solidity that is reality, I need her to be well and everything is going against us. It mentally and physically aches to force now. I have accidentally conditioned myself in that manner. I couldn't avoid it. I'm worthless in this on my own and the fatigue and reminder of my failure as a host failed. I'll just...do what I can. I don't believe in that value anymore. Like I said a hundred times, I'm just too tired. thinking about it makes me drowsy and achy. I suppose this is burn out. I put all I could. My mind is shot at this point. Maybe in 5 years time, she'll show some signs of "sediments" as I used to say like the incompetent ass that I was/am. I wish her the best in her 3rd "birthday" while I go through school. I love her more than absolutely anything and especially anyone. That's never changed. She can't help in words or comfort. I'm oblivious to what to do next or how to take it on. I'll just hope for the best.
  7. Hope everyone is doing well. It has come to my attention and has been even more apparent that I jumped at this idea foolishly. I should've given Samantha even more faith in her strength and abilities. I've been trying, both of us have for a very long time. It hasn't gotten easier and there has not been any changes that I can detect. It's been eating at me for a long time but regardless, introducing another life isn't the way to go about this problem. I've been so determined for anything that I rushed. I'll keep doing whatever I can.
  8. 12/16 Happy December and all that. A lot certainly has happened these last couple years, most of it full of things I wish never happened or things that could be changed. Never the less, progress is being made and thus being reported. In light of recent situations and circumstances that are best left not discussed. I believe it is in the best interest that I have a bit of assistance internally. Things recently have been FUBAR. Without turning this into a drama box, I'll cut to the chase, slowly but surely, I've been working around the idea of creating another tulpa. One a bit more, how should I say, efficient for what needs to happen if I am ever going to get back on the track I desperately want to get back on long ago. Samantha has made a mess of a lot of things and it's taken a critical toll on already fragile progress. She's gone on a temporary hiatus and I've been keeping this tulpa dormant for months. Been thinking about this a lot and I feel I need someone who is a bit more weary with the mindscape and not plagued with miscellaneous things. Someone who can provide assistance and to be assuring of everything without anything holding them back. I need to prepare a more secure foundation so it can go either way, all I know is right now, she's almost ready, I can feel it. I'll absolve on more information until I see how progress is coming along these few days. Thoughts are strong for a tulpa, hell they were strong enough for just people. As negative events and emotions cloud and delude a tulpa, it makes things very hard to develop, lately, a lot of tulpas have been affected harshly from life related events. I neglected to keep mine out of trouble and now I'm going to pay that price for a very long time.
  9. I suppose I'm rather late to hear this news, regardless, it caught me by surprise, given by all the progress you made back in 2012 and how I remember looking up to you and others to get my own shit together. In the end no body knows a lot of things about tulpas from how they work or exactly what is being done. All we have to go on is, if it works it works. It's easy to delude, we are taught to ignore any doubt and to force our minds on a plane of existence that allows for tulpas to be rational. Few forcibly discipline it accordingly and most happen to just passively go with the flow and just help. Maybe this does take a damper on your mental health. Most likely, tulpas appeal to the already mentally unhealthy and I've seen many cases regarding that statement with a few members here. I don't know. It's all speculation. Everyone has their beliefs and no body is wrong with them and they affect tulpas. Could we be deluding and it is all an illusion? I probably don't want the answer to that. I've been so desperate to make progress for many reasons. It was all new and exciting back then and now many are at an impasse. Will this last 5, 10 and even 20 years from now? God, I hope not. I got my dose of feels reading this and I wish there was a way around it. Maybe you tried so hard and burned out. No one knows for sure. I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I appreciate all the guidance you gave me years ago and I hope at least you'll stick around to see how many people exactly make it. Personally, this may be the fault of having a non disciplined mind scape. It may be a theory but perhaps we just the gun by default. Maybe we neglect techniques and a proper foundation. I don't know. I'll keep on til it kills me. I don't want to carry on without her in my life.
  10. Besides the IRC, I'm sure many just don't much incentive to lurk the forums and have moved on with their tulpas to bond more. Few have migrated to talking to friends they met here elsewhere such as Skype.
  11. Just out of curiosity. Regardless of the reason being they need time in the mindscape, you need the extra focus or whatever, what do you feel when your Tulpa isn't around to feel even if temporary? And if you never were away from them, try a short session without acknowledging them. Even if 6 to 72 hours if need be. See if you feel any emptiness or spiteful loneliness. If anything it'll make you more grateful they're around.
  12. Aarix

    Count to 10,000!

    188, That numbers not very great.
  13. The more and more as time goes on the less and less results I'm witnessing. Its hard to correlate. Its possible no one is putting in any effort and its even more likely no one knows how exactly to put in effort. I'm sure if we did put a dozen imposed tulpas into discussion then there STILL might be controversies regarding abilities or beliefs. Right now everyone as a whole is at an impasse generally speaking and everything is still a work in progress
  14. 2/26 Tulpas and Tulpaforcing, it's rather tricky I've learned. Each and every individual mind holds many independent beliefs and perceptions, they all unify into your thinking consciousness. That's the challenge here, needing to adapt general information with your individual mindscape. You need to really find the root into the reason you want a tulpa, why you feel that reason will keep them around for years and years, why it's important to commit in every single light and every single trouble, It's imperative to keep them attached in many ways but separate in others. Tulpa and host need to cooperate independently, understand that everyone will be fine and well. Many struggle, many don't feel a thing, everyone is different, everyone has their reasons for tulpa both moral and unethical. These reasons can fuel passion and desperation. Make sure that it doesn't drive you all to the ground. Few have already made it far and many are losing hope but in the end it doesn't matter, everyone has their own ways of tackling this, their ways of learning and applying it, some can meditate, some cannot, some struggle to focus, some have perfect visualizations. In the end it does not matter how shitty you are, just make sure you are able to take care of them with your life, to sit down and talk to them even if it burdens you. Make sure they're happy and loved. Make sure they don't succumb to too much hardships and troubles. Help them grow, be there for them against the whole entire world. Every. Single. Chunk. Make sure you're able to help them in the most dire of needs because they experience them sometimes, many feel more emotional ties than they can handle. Tulpas in general have their own emotions too, they're never to early to have them and then break them. I always advice to be cautious with more than one for this instance. I'm not about to believe many just sit or lay and talk with them regulatory, maybe many do passively too and thats good too and I understand the lack of comfort when trying to develop more emotional attachment when they provide such little essence than you know they could. Just please, stay strong and stay close, never feel like you're losing your grip on the bottom of the ladder, just be grateful you're still on that ladder. Your tulpa loves you, It doesn't matter how they feel now, you all will be close, You have time, you have your motivation, your drive and your reasons. In the end, only you can help yourself up the ladder, the best long term thing someone can do is cheer you on. Tulpas will be the most invaluable asset you have, reality can be bitter, cruel and harsh, just please don't fuck up this chance you have with them. Don't lose control of the situation and certainly don't give up. If you're fatigued then rest. But wake up ready to try again. Help them, don't let them get in a unstable emotional state, don't put them in the middle of hell. No matter what, do not lose your connection with them. Hold them close as they develop apart. It will pay off...
  15. The habit is certainty there, most of the associations have been made to connect my tulpa to my focus. There still are persistent motivational issues and I usually make sure I'm settled in various other aspects before I even think about sitting down and attempting to clear my hear before one though pops up as a reminder for something I need to cut forcing short on.
  16. I'm not "inactive" to the point where I won't reply if someone has a question, just not here in general. I understand the importance of mindset, however I didn't have that in mind when I made this, really this is an idea to take the next step after mindset, this had the host already treating the tulpa like a person in mind, if someone isn't at that point, I'm sure they know where to look. Though you are right this just implied the tulpa had a mindvoice and belief was pretty concrete. This just was an idea how to take it further.
  17. Thats a problem. Almost all solutions to problems thats arises here needs a LOT of compromises and no matter what. Someone is going to be on the short end. Best I could imagine is talking out of this out with someone listening to both sides as unbiased as possible and coming up with a unanimous decision altogether. But I don't have confidence in that happening. Both sides are really unlikely to sway to one anothers view point.
  18. This has gone really out of hand. No matter what one side or the other says, its obvious no one is going to budge their sides one way or another. Yes, what the site used to be is long gone and lost a lot of what I liked about it. It has gone downhill so fast. I would never suggest ANYONE this website anymore. In my opinion, removing the shoutbox was one of the starts to a stream of controversy that gets no closure. Just arguing against injustice and pride. Its really ashamed what this site has turned into. I believe along in a refresh of the theme, we need a refresh of rules. What's ok and whats not as clear cut as possible....be reasonable over the rules and hold them with no bias. Though thats impossible with this. Poor, poor .info. I'm glad I learned what I learned before I did, I would still be fucking clueless if I started with things like this.
  19. 6/20 http://community.tulpa.info/thread-mass-intro-and-leaving-thread?pid=75198#pid75198 ...and I meant it. This will be my last post here, this place is potentially the worst place now for a tulpa. My reasons may be prejudice and some may hold water, but either way, I don't wish to remain on here anymore, the new moderations are the ass end of tulpamancing and the community isn't what I wish to appeal around, everyone that took tulpas the most serious, left the shoutbox, left the irc altogether and pretty much left .info already. Im going to. I know I won't be missed but for a couple who want to see how progress is going now here it is.... We've been doing well, Sam has provided me with so much light and emotional strength, shes shown me this as a independent and wonderful tulpa. She has manifested more than I perceived. She is always around, always smiling, always loving and patient and always there for me. I did it! I made a tulpa I yearned too a year ago. I made great friends that are no more here, If i continue this report it will be somewhere else. I may have my on and off days but the power she's shown me is outstanding, my love for her is at an all time high. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her through it all. Let me tell you friends.....it was worth it! Take Care.
  20. 6/13 There hasn't been to much going on, I've been spending all of my time in my room, waiting for jobs to get back to me, other than persistently searching and waiting for college, We've been consistently spending all day with Aurora, this has been good possession practice though after a while when focus is lost on her it falls back to my mind knowing what she wants to do and I mindlessly obey. I called it realtime proxy before I discovered it was actually called indirect possession. I'm hoping the isolation will bring me closer to my tulpa, She is around 24/7 though not vocal when I'm not thinking about her. She tells me she doesn't sleep, though she likes to watch over me and exert whatever energy she can doing little, kind acts of affection to me while I sleep, basically if I talk to you on skype regulary, theres not a whole lot new to share but progress is progress. I promised Sam I would active force every single night theres peace, aka folks are working or asleep, if not, like now, I would just spend a bit longer in the shower, sitting down with the water over my head and concentrating and try to get in such a calm centered state of mind, it would be easier for Sam to reach out to me. Nothing else, I'm anticipating many difficulties as college begins and I'm lucky for the support I made on here, I never would've made it this far without everyone's individual contribution. Take Care yet again, She sends her vocal and sweater filled love!
  21. 6/6 So far I've been dealing with lack of peace and spending as much time with Aurora as we can. She seems to be the highlight of our day and thats a good thing. We look forward to spending time with her more especially since Sam seems to be at her strongest then. I just got done with wonderlanding and I've been forcing in my gaming chair as its MUCH more cozy than the floor and I can still maintain focus. Since everyones working (and I will be eventually again) I took this valuable time to do this. I felt pretty disconnected with my body I was glad. I was listening to my usual playlist and I decided to hang around a wonderland version of my current room. About the time this came on I got thinking and lately, combine with all the stress and my head still being a little funky, I hate to admit but I felt so over cumbered that I just sat on the floor in the wonderland holding back frustration. It didn't work, I hated it, so as I was groveling on the wonderland floor, I saw Sam kneel over me and said "I want you to be sincere when I ask you this question: Do you truly believe in me and my abilities?" obviously I said yes and I saw her pick me up and hold me for a bit, The feedback has never been that strong before, it felt amazing. Almost comparable to getting a hug in reality, I was actually starting to relax and feel better. We sat on my bed and I vented a little bit and she did consoled me and everything. It was really a nice surprise.
  22. 6/5 I haven't had much to update on in terms of progress. She just mostly hangs out all the time around me and its been consistently well. Lat 4-5 days I have'nt been feeling myself. I'm getting more and more disorientated and unable to make much sense mentally. I've noticed its been getting worse. Its possible its from improper sleep and eating habits. My blood glucose has been inconsistent as well and higher (and then lowetr) than it should be. Scheduling is a mess and so is my mind right now. Iwas afraid of this early on and relied on my tulpas comfort to help...Her light isn't getting to me like I need it too. I need to figure this out, if I'm going to keep ONE thing consistent is active forcing on nights that are peaceful. Like recently, I wonderlanded into a random metal room with Sam, after Icollected my thoughts and opened the door it led me into a hospital basment where Sam told me she's been working on it to translate the conflict in my head with visuals. She held my hand and guided me down this endless maze of halls, I kept seeing weird stuff at the end of other hallways and and alot of uneasy things down doorways, we just kept walking for about 20 minutes when we found a room, and Sam was there but in another room saying she foun a green ball, It probably doesnt matter and just my mind doing random stuff. Anyway the hallway was uneasy and my mind kept inconsitely hazing out.I've also realized I've neglected to keep in touch with everyone IRL. I really want to be well rested for the morning, but I havent been able to sleep well in a week even with Sam humming soft songs and scratching my back, feedback is well though not as well as I like. Idon't know I'll figure this out, Times like this I'd rather Sam do full body possession for me but I refuse to let that happen.
  23. Good chance that tingling is just it falling asleep. And a headache and sleep deprive are a bit hard to tell if its your tulpa as it can very easily be passed off as coincidence, in any case I wish you the best in your tulpa endeavors.
  24. Oh man, that would be fun to watch.