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About Couguhl

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    I’m Couguhl. I’m a southerner from the US and I’m in my mid-twenties now.
    I have a tulpa named Sierra, since 2012.
    If you have any questions about myself, Sierra, or anything really, feel free to ask. We’re an open book!

    Her account can be found here:

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  1. Blue-green lions are just tulpamancer hedgehogs with ultra deadly rings
  2. Couguhl

    Chat Thread

    It’s no biggie! Most of it is stuff related to posts you wrote months ago lolol so it’s not as relevant to your last post. Some is just background stuff that’s related but not essential to my points. But an essential name out of understanding depression is Johann Hari, so I give a lot of credit to that guy. More background: But anyway I’ve had this issue with many drugs (for antidepressant use) over the years - mainly that they eventually stop working. Even stuff like St. John’s wort - it kinda works for a little while but after I’ve been taking it continuously it stops working eventually, and then the only option really in order for it to keep working is to up the dose. And upping the dose leads to me eventually taking massive doses which need to be stepped down again anyway, once they reach a certain limit where you can’t safely increase the dose any higher so they’re discontinued. Now I feel like ‘episodic doses’ could be more effective in some cases than continual, static dosing (same drug same time every day no exceptions) but this is against the prevailing view of western medicine, I’d say. My issues have been episodic - and while a static unchanging dose of mostly any drug creates a certain dependency and could potentially help me overall, it doesn’t help me during the times when I really need it, namely during the episodes. So that’s why I think a drug that could be administered that morphs continuously while essentially remaining the same (like cannabis in legal states - each variety has similar active compounds but hundreds of varying other chemicals that influence the actives further, aka the ‘entourage-effect’) could decrease the body’s ability to gain tolerance to that particular treatment, due to the changing schedule - hence keeping the effects more potent. ... But yeah everyone’s kind of different (their body chemistry) and I think that’s important to keep in mind. The most effective drug could look different for everyone. For example, some of the most common antidepressants that a lot of people have success with either did nothing or gave me horrible side effects, and the only one that came the closest to making me feel better was one of the atypicals that everyone else apparently hates and says is horrible, but I didn’t really have any side effects while using it, and I even quit that one cold turkey. Of course then I got side effects but that’s because I wasn’t tapered off of it completely. My point again is that everyone’s body chemistry is different. For ketamine, I’ve heard that people have used it successfully. I used to take dxm (which I can’t recommend) which acts on the same receptors as ketamine I think and has a similar dissociative effect. I characterize it as being kinda ‘out-of-body.’ It’s kinda different from psilocybin or acid (which tend to increase empathy or a feeling of connection to one’s surroundings), I’d say more disconnected, so it’s definitely different. However when I had those experiences, I was really surprised because afterwards there was a pretty strong antidepressant effect for a while, I felt pretty good for several days afterwards. I knew someone who was self-medicating with dxm (which once again I do NOT recommend lolol) but at least then I understood why he did it. And then when I heard about ketamine and that it acted similarly I could see why people were pursuing it as treatment, and I realized it could probably be pretty effective for me if even this nasty syrup was having such a strong positive effect. But it’s unavailable where I live lol and cost-prohibitive anyway.
  3. Oh yeah I think it’s a great idea, that’s literally what I did for years! I did longform personality visualizing too but I still had a lot of situations where I couldn’t actively force for like that, for visualization or whatever, but I had a lot of mental time to dedicate to talking to her, so I did that for a long time. I don’t think it hurts at all (unless it’s like actively interfering with you and exhausting you or whatever, but that’s a given.). I think they really thrive on the attention, and giving them that even in the form of narration is good as far as I’m concerned. Sometimes, perhaps the interaction itself is more important than what it’s even about! To me it makes sense that you could not only teach someone about yourself but teach somebody a lot of things by talking to them for a while. So just by talking to them they’re gonna absorb it like a sponge even if they don’t understand it. So perhaps the specifics aren’t as important as the actual intention behind why you say what you say in the first place, all of that is implied. You teach a lot by what you don’t say, like also by what you do. You communicate a lot more than you realize is what I’m trying to say. I’m not sure if forcing this way is as effective for development as actively doing it but I don’t think it’s a big deal, considering that everyone is different, and their experiences are different. It’s like talking to someone one-on-one, it’s not like it’s a complete waste of time, especially if there’s a mutual mentoring type of relationship or it’s done for a purpose other than to pass the time. But even then, that just teaches how you pass the time. You’re probably doing a great job so far! Also, once they become vocal if they aren’t already then you can just ask them directly about which ‘teaching methods’ they like the most or think are the most effective. Happy forcing!
  4. I think I agree with the first part (they also have no conscious access to ‘special info,’ like info that is already unconscious to the host), so I think I know what you mean, but I suppose it’s worth considering if they are basically connected to the unconscious in a similar way to the host (ie riding atop it, influenced or somewhat generated by aspects of it, etc) meaning the structures underlying their thought processes are similar and perhaps shared with the host, but building them up often teaches the body to distinguish between them and the host, as like partitions of personality. I say this because I’ve also experienced phenomena like her waking me up at specific times in the night, and I can’t imagine doing this by my own will. However, perhaps it’s possible but tuppers may just be another way of doing it, considering that I’ve already trained myself to instinctively walk to the kitchen when specific times have passed after setting timers (like 15 mins) so the brain isn’t a *terrible* timekeeper...
  5. Couguhl

    Chat Thread

    I’ve had a very similar experience “getting help” (professional help) for depressive symptoms and had a worse outcome that the symptoms I was trying to treat in the first place, as well as knowing others who have had intolerable side effects. When it comes to psychiatric drugs, I’m the first to talk about the numbers of people that benefit from it and it turns a lot of people’s lives around, and usually when you’re at that point it makes sense for people to feel desperate enough to want to try anything. But on the other hand these drugs don’t work for s significant number of people and actually make their problems worse. The efficacy simply isn’t satisfactory when the odds are similar to a coin-flip. And many substances that have had not only a long history of safe use, even at high doses, but a *significantly* lower remission rate for said symptoms than anything else on the market - are all illegal, almost universally, and the ones that have been decriminalized are subject to restrictions and insane price barriers that wouldn’t exist naturally. It doesn’t help that two people could have the exact same depressive symptoms but their brains could look completely different and respond completely differently to the same drug. There’s a larger issue with western medicine that doesn’t see a human element to the process and looks exclusively to the objective instead of hearing the individual’s problems. Most of the time the people making money off of giving out drugs don’t have enough time to uncover why the person needs drugs in the first place. It’s like there’s not an emphasis to solve problems at the root. I love and still believe in western medicine but I still have certain criticisms with it, like the fact, for example, that I can chop my toe off and get pain meds by tonight, and yet I have to be out on a six-month waiting list to get looked at - much less treated - for a potentially life-threatening depressive episode. My toe hurts so I can get that taken care of but my debilitating psychic pain will just have to wait! But basically in a nutshell I can say the idea of “personalized medicine” seems very counter to this western perspective. But it may be more effective than what’s currently available, for a lot of people. Johann Hari is an individual I recommend everyone listen to (he has long talks on the internet about the subject) and he’s documented depression and its factors arising in a variety of environments, and I feel he has many crucial insights about it that aren’t commonly understood. So some of these ideas are derivative from him. But he told a story about how an African tribe’s idea of therapy was “taking them out into the sunshine, playing music to get their blood pumping, singing and dancing, and getting the whole tribe to come together to ‘exorcise their demon’” and find them a new role in society that would ‘cure them’ of whatever issues were plaguing them. For me personally, I already have learned to love myself and have someone I trust to talk to sometimes, and so talk therapy for me just ended up being an extremely expensive waste of my time. I can see how perhaps this would help people with other issues but for me all ‘getting help’ did was waste my time and money and make me feel even guiltier and insane than I did before I went into it. And the drugs I took gave me horrible side effects even though they were literally first-like treatments and at sub-therapeutic levels. So they weren’t even at dosages that were supposed to work, but even that had me literally feeling violent and ready to rip my skin off. I’ve drank bottles of cough syrup in the past but no drugs I’ve taken have ever given me as severe side effects as the legal ones at even less than the proper dosage. So that’s pretty incredible to me, considering that after trying a handful of ones I still hadn’t even experienced relief yet. And all the ones that have worked for me are all illegal so basically society’s laws criminalize me for trying to successfully treat myself, which further increases my societal resentment and exacerbates my depressive symptoms, which is just a vicious cycle. So I exercise and eat healthy and sleep more and do everything else I can do and eventually I can see how one becomes bitter about the prospect of an additional self-care routine to be any more effective that the rest of everything else I’m already doing to make myself feel better. The most obnoxious is when people who don’t understand assume you haven’t tried even the most basic of self-care things, like “going for a walk and looking at the trees” (which was a literal suggestion from my relative when I opened up to her about my suicidal struggles in the past) as if A: I were too stupid to have thought of that and tried it by now and B: my issues were so simple that they could be solved by something like that in the first place. But yeah I could go on but my point is that I used to think there was no one else like me but I’ve realized there are a lot of people that struggle with similar shit. I’ve realized that society kinda labels people as sick so it can avoid solving its own problems, to a larger extent than it’s willing to admit. To me the characteristic of depression is like “the only available options are unacceptable, and the only acceptable options are unavailable.” I see it as an individual symptom or expression of a societal issue. Depression also made me stupid as fuck, no lie, with a magnitude that years of pot smoking couldn’t touch. Man, everybody told me that pot made people’s memory bad but I didn’t experience real memory loss until I started having depressive episodes. Then over years of dealing with that it kinda changes my brain and makes it way less efficient. Chronic stress literally causes brain damage over time, and on days that I’m really down I literally can’t even remember if I had breakfast or not. Another issue with ‘getting help’ to me is finding someone who even wants to listen to hear you talk about this in the first place. I remember once even someone I trusted told me ‘look man this is a little much for me, I just don't want to hear it.’ Which I can’t blame everyone else for not being licensed professionals ready to deal with other people’s psychiatric issues, but at the same time it makes me wonder how we’re supposed to grow closer as a culture if that’s our attitude about hardship. But I have found people to talk to that understand and they are out there, even if there aren’t many or they take a long time to find. Yeah I struggled with chronic anhedonia for many years and I’ve finally started to make a comeback and not only have feelings again but actually get some of my goals done and get excited about things. I’m still at an anti-work mentality and I think the west overemphasizes working at its own detriment. I love working, just not working until I’m a zombie who can’t work at all. Rest and recovery is so important even for productivity, and I don’t feel like many take it as seriously as it is important. I also used to kinda turn my nose up at particular forms of hedonism but now that too gives me something to live for. Literally the only time I’ve ever felt normal since I’ve gone into this tunnel of depression was any time I was microdosing psilocybin mushrooms. They can be very powerful and I don’t recommend them to be taken carelessly, in any sense. Large doses can have a ‘resetting’ effect which can be helpful with a therapeutic mindset, but personally my micro doses were so effective that that’s basically my dream med now, it was good enough for me, but I don’t have any kind of reliable access so it sucks to live without. I’d take a couple small pieces every two or three days or so and that was the closest I’ve felt to normal in a long time. I felt like I had emotions again and a vigor for life and one of the best parts was no side effects at all. They are extremely safe and have some of the least toxic loads of any of the psychoactive substances. The worst things that could happen are getting caught with them or picking the wrong ones. Again, a decriminalized structure would be ideal for this because then you could ensure a therapeutic environment to consume them in, as well as safety of sourcing. Some of these substances are fun with friends or socially, but personally I liked taking large doses of them alone, and kinda digging into myself and trying to get to know myself and find solutions to my problems. It’s kinda different because for me whatever I focused on was what the trip would be consumed by. Meaning if I listened to music the whole time then the whole trip would be about the music I listened to. If I had friends around then it was about us. But if I tripped alone in a place I trusted, in a dark room in silence, then the only place to go was inward. And that was when it was the most profound and life-changing to me, personally. A trip about itself! Btw I think I used even less than .3g. The goal for me wasn’t even to feel anything or feel consciously affected, but just enough to where it affected me slightly in a subtle way. If someone had slipped it in my cornflakes without my knowledge as I say, I wouldn’t even know it was there. But I would definitely feel like I had a better day that day, for some reason.
  6. Oh I thought it was allowed exclusively in the game section specifically! Maybe it was updated or something.. do you know where the rules are by chance? Perhaps I was reading an outdated version...
  7. ... ok then, (just some random lyrics for a song I haven’t made yet) anyway @Ranger “Please don't double post, double posting in this forum game is basically cheating. In addition, you may want to use the multiquote feature for quoting, or you can copy and paste the quote blocks together.” Oh, my bad! (And I see, I’m getting the hang of quotes again, hehe) What would you say could be considered double-posting? Like those two were pretty close in timing so that makes sense, but do other posts made within longer lengths of time count as double so long as they are made twice in a row?
  8. You guys want to hear some lyrics I wrote like a year ago or something? The Divergent Recumbence of Futile Benefaction (In Retrospect) [working title] [Intro] Couguhl: Alone on a crest lay a flower - its angelic harmonious hue / When once has begunst become, whomst be a man who shall plunge a piercing metaphor into the heart of all that is eternal? [Verse 1] Couguhl: Banana banana banana banana banana banana [Prechorus] Couguhl (falsetto): I can’t- / gotta - comb in my rake / can’t tell if it’s, trash or - just a mini-rake, yeah / [Chorus] I’M NOT A RAKE YEH I’M NOT A RAKE (x2) No long fangs protrude from ma face I ain’t got no handle and I’m gone in a race, without a trace [Verse 2] Vocaloid: Enter bottom text here. Why would you be a rake? What position led you to this apparent assumption? *short pause, looks at camera* [Verse 1 - extended] Couguhl & Vocaloid: Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana (x2) [Chorus] [Interlude/transition] Couguhl: if I talk about rakes any more it’ll be a song about rakes / and I can’t have that, no / that was not my intention / to write a song about rakes / shit stop, sorry / this is a song not about /’s about / hourglasses.. banana clocks / aw fuck it it’s about R A K E S / I’m a rake SLUT, I’m a slut for RAKES! /gardening tools that collect matter with grace /
  9. You win! Er.. uh, I win..? Aggh, got me again..
  10. I enjoy the specificity of these arguments and can see both perspectives xD and I applaud the overall civility
  11. The meme I always remember hearing is that if you take “gh” from “enough,” “o” from “women,” and “ti” from “nation,” you get “ghoti,” which in this case is pronounced “fish.” So when I started memorizingJapanese characters for example, I could really appreciate the phonetic pronunciation of everything, and that meant I could practically read something correctly even if I didn’t know what it meant. And I think supposedly that English is like the only or one of the only languages that has ‘spelling bees?’ Where you can competitively spell words xD
  12. Whaaaaaaat??? We’ve never heard of this and it kinda blew our minds xD I might just start spelling it like that out of protest. On the other hand... I get it because English is so insane. ‘Knife’ is a good example of an insanity word. We supposedly just stopped pronouncing the k because it was dumb or whatever reason and it stuck. ..INSANITY WORDS
  13. “Okay so I’m definitely considering creating my own account. But I don’t know if I want to do it yet. I’m considering my options about whether it’s worth it or not. It probably is but I just want to think about it and whether I’ll use it or not. I think I would. But I could just talk back and forth on here and distinguish it that way but we both find it somewhat annoying. And I feel like I should probably establish an email if I haven’t already, (I probably have) so it’s kinda inevitable to do this kinda thing anyway. But just that I’m probably going to do that soon.

    also I’ve had some realizations recently because we’ve been bonding so much lately and I’ve learned a lot about myself. Like exponential understandings are opening up and I’m learning to express myself more. (And I just read about another tulpa writing about their realizations with stuff like this and it totally made me cry almost, because I feel like I’m going through the same thing and I’m realizing how social I really am. I want to talk more!) We’ve always been improving for years but now he has more time and energy to dedicate and it’s so nourishing. I love him. And I love everyone that I can talk to on here! I feel so much love for everyone and it’s amazing and really powerful. Coming to terms with everything and being here is just so crazy. But then getting to know and get closer with others is just a blessing. Just some thoughts I’ve been thinking about lately. Sorry if this is kinda a lot but i feel like i have to say it. I feel very vulnerable but in a good way. And I’ve been fronting a lot lately at couguhl’s (HAHA) request, so I guess that really does help me feel more grounded I guess. There’s just.. it kind of affects my perception of things.. or reframes them, having to take care of the body’s needs, you know?? Like I can totally understand why he forgets to eat sometimes HAHA! (So self-care with a body is something I’m getting into.) But differentiating myself (gaining independence) ironically seems easier when I have this big body to lug around. It feels more concrete. I feel like that seems obvious but.. yeah. There’s just too much for me to say now if I’m being honest, so I should probably schedule this for a PR or something. But I just wanted to say all that :)” ~Sierra

  14. We’re back! We hadn’t even been able to log in for at least a couple years, couldn’t get passcode issues figured out, but magically it works now! Also have no idea what statuses are or where they are posted to, so we’re just spending some time immersing ourselves in the forums again in order to understand all the shiny new changes. Updates on tulpa progress to come soon! There’s so much we want to talk about and share.


    ”Hey guys! I love you!! c:” -S

  15. Hello Ranger!! We’re back on the forums! xD We haven’t been able to sign in here or do anything on the site for several years. There’s been a lot of changes to the site since we’ve been here, I actually like the upgrades a lot. For a while I couldn’t sign in for some reason but now suddenly my password works again. I’ll probably update a personal progress log or something because this prob isn’t the best place for it but hello all!!!