moonie

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  1. One unfortunate thing is that I have had a bad experience with trying to talk to someone. Despite being promised everything I said was in confidence, my high school counselor (who was also a pastor) decided it was prudent to call my father (who was not my legal guardian at the time) and tell him every word I said. I was a minor at the time, and suicidal feelings/thoughts were mentioned (though not in the present-tense) so I suppose I can understand the need to inform a parent/guardian, but they also knew that my parents were going through an ugly divorce and that he did not have custody of me. On top of that, their excuse was that they felt my parents should know what I was saying, and yet they didn't feel it was necessary to call my mother. The only reason my mother found out was because my father spread it around to everyone and rubbed it in my mother's face that he took out life insurance on me and that she wouldn't get a dime if I offed myself. My counselor just laughed because I was naive enough to believe in the promised confidentiality, and then all the counselors wondered why I wouldn't speak to them anymore. I'm an adult now, but I'm still reluctant to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. Trust doesn't come very easily to me. Anonymity helps to some degree and so my thoughts have peppered the internet over the years. This is another thing I am somewhat experienced with, seeing as I have jumped in and out of a long string of relationships for all the wrong reasons. Some of the people I involved myself with were abusive, and they were each abusive in different ways. I learned a lot about myself during/after the last abusive one, and I realized I am stronger than I thought I was. My last relationship was my most serious one and was heading toward marriage, but it turned out that my fiancé didn't feel the same way and was too much of a coward to tell me. The way I found out was through a Facebook status update that he was in a relationship with someone that wasn't me. He was full of sweet words and future hopes and dreams right up until I found out, but I never heard from him again after I found that post, so I never got broken up with or so much as an explanation or a goodbye. That was two months shy of two years ago. Trying to decide how I feel about him and what happened has been difficult because I could never reconcile who he was with me and who he turned out to be (most likely a prolific pathological liar). Two years is a long time to be alone when you're getting older. Being 27 means that I'm not so old that there's no possibility of finding someone to live out the rest of my days with, but it still means that I'm slowly losing the best years of my life to loneliness and a ticking biological clock that's taking away the best years of my youth. Perhaps I'm lucky that I don't have a strong desire to have children, but it often crosses my mind that my increasing age can and will soon be a problem for having a safe pregnancy and healthy baby should I ever desire to go down that path. Friendships are all I have that mean anything to me, and I have a few that I treasure more than anything in this world. Our little group speaks together every single day through Skype, and we regularly play games and talk about all kinds of things both serious and lighthearted. Sometimes they get together for a weekend here and there, but I've not been able to join in because of the 4,000 mile distance. My upcoming trip in March to the UK is something I am really looking forward to both as a means of finally meeting and hanging out with my best friends, but also as a chance to fall in love with the person I feel closest to. This is someone who I have been able to talk to since the very first day we met about anything and everything without fear or shame and for hours on end without getting tired of each other or bored. I don't know if it will turn into more once we can look each other in the eye and get a true sense of each other, but I'm excited to find out either way. Maybe it's not healthy to not want to be alone, but I'm just at that point in my life where I am sick of it. There's never been anything I've wanted more than to have a meaningful and lasting relationship with someone that I can share my life with. My only true fear is of dying alone and never knowing what it's like to be loved more than I can comprehend. Your entire post was amazing, but a bit too long for quoting in its entirety and this one little line defines how I feel quite succinctly. I stopped drawing and writing not long after high school, which I flunked out of and took an extra two years to graduate from. During high school, though, there was an ugly and long confrontation on deviantART where I was accused of stealing character designs and tracing art. I received death threats, creepy anonymous messages from people who gave specific details about me that no one should have known, stalkers, and more. Along with all that, my parents had an ugly divorce which stemmed from my father's affairs and drug use, my half-brother was born from that affair, that same half-brother drowned, my grandfather died, my same-age cousin died, and we moved twice during high school alone. It's no small wonder that depression took hold, I was suicidal, started jumping into bad relationships, and flunked out of high school. My life-long creative dreams died, and I stopped drawing. Since then I've hardly felt alive, and both drawing and writing are a source of pain, frustration, and anxiety. Due to the events on deviantART, I feel that I can't even commit to any ideas for fear of being accused of stealing again. People tell me that I may come up with an idea that's been done before but that I can still tell it in my own unique way. As you can imagine, that doesn't help me cope with the feelings and push through the mental block. All of your advice is sensible, but all of it is a struggle for me after so many years of apathy and inactivity. My mind realizes what I need to do, but I have yet to develop the ability to care enough to act on that knowledge. Tulpa aren't a replacement for therapy or friends or real-life romantic interests, but I thought that maybe the act of meditating on Echo and discovering this new person who's me but not me might provide some sort of insight. Her image is still there in my mind, and in some small way I can feel that maybe she's waiting for me to give her a genuine chance. Thinking about her and how I've failed to follow through on yet another thing is bringing me to tears, and feeling so lonely makes my chest feel cold. Thinking about visiting my friend and hoping for more makes me smile, but I'm afraid that it won't turn out like I hope. The thought of having Echo there with me makes me less afraid, because then I won't be alone no matter what...or at least I won't feel so alone should my fear come to be. Creating Echo is something I want, very much so, but like everything else it seems so difficult to get started. I love her already, but that horrible feeling that keeps me from everything else I love is there in the way and I don't know how to break through.
  2. Moonie's Journey - Update Hello. My name is Moonie and I have a problem. One of my bad habits is that I tend to get super obsessed with something for a short period of time, and then suddenly I forget it exists. Imagine my surprise when I go to reddit and there are some /r/Tulpas posts in my feed after not thinking about it whatsoever for a good month or so. Then I felt bad. Since my original post here I honestly didn't do much at all. I did one or two personality tests, talked to Echo here and there for a couple days, and then forgot about her and about Tulpas entirely. What happened? I had a bit of a breakdown one day. I'm very lonely at this point in my life, and my one wish in this world is to have someone to love and who loves me. I've had pretty much nothing but a string of bad relationships, the last two of which were the worst. I tried OkCupid out of curiosity, and had gotten excited about someone I met only to have it just not work out, leaving me feeling confused and a bit hurt. Not long after I had a breakdown and it was bad. One of the things going through my mind at the time was that I was so pathetic I was trying to create an imaginary friend in my mind just so I wouldn't be alone. Maybe it's safe to say that that's the last time I thought about Tulpas. One of my friends is a great guy. We tried being together not long after meeting almost four years ago, but I felt no spark and ended it rather than let him get hung up on me. My guilt over the pain I caused him is still very strong. In a way it was for the best, and to explain it simply it was because the love of his life came back into his life. There was a sudden whirlwind of love and a proposal and then crushing heartbreak because she had become a different and very fickle person. He believes it was for the best that he and I broke up because he'd hate himself if he'd hurt me over her coming back into his life. Through it all we've stayed very close friends, and it actually makes me angry and disappointed in myself that I feel no spark for him. Shouldn't there be a spark? During my breakdown he was the one I turned to, and we spoke about those feelings I had about him. He said that rather than trying something again it would be better to meet in person first, which ended in me basically inviting myself over to his house. This involves flying from the west coast of the US to the UK. It occurred to me a few days later to actually ask how he felt about that, and once he thought about it he realized it would be awesome to have me visit. We made it clear that it's just as friends, and if more happens on its own that's fine but we're not going to force it. The plan is to visit in the spring when I have a break between terms at college, and I've ordered the tickets and gotten prepared with everything else I need for a trip like that. My excitement is palpable, and this is partially due to the fact I've never been anywhere or on a plane at an age where I could remember it. Two of our other friends caught wind I was coming and so for a few days of my visit we're all going to get together and have fun, with a little more than half my visit just me and him. Aside from all that and getting a passport and everything I need to travel, my college started back up two weeks ago. Real Life vs. Imagination Before my depression really took hold, I used to have a variety of interests and things that I enjoyed doing for years, like drawing and writing and playing video games. The only thing I really do anymore is video games, but even that is a rare occurrence nowadays and I can't maintain interest in any one game for long. My ability to enjoy myself is tremendously low, and it's rare that something takes hold long enough for me to complete, be it a game, book, drawing, or story. My hope was that Echo could help me work through these feelings and that through her eyes I could see what I used to love about all these things and how I used to find such joy and solace in creative pursuits. In my time spent researching Tulpa and through reading a variety of peoples' experiences with their Tulpae, a common theme seemed to be that their Tulpae helped them feel better in the face of depression and other conditions. That and I had hopes of having a friend that was so much more than that. And yet life happens. In my desperation to not be alone, I went from the internal extreme of trying to create a Tulpa to the external extreme of flying over 4,000 miles for a chance at love. In a way, I feel guilty over the way I dismissed Tulpa-making when I had my breakdown. Somewhere in my mind, I think Echo exists. The only thing I'm sure of is that she is very understanding and quick to forgive, but I would understand if she were hurt. After all, I did basically say that being her friend was pathetic...I would be hurt, too, even if I understood the unusually extreme emotions behind the statement. How do I split myself between real life and the world inside my mind? We divide ourselves endlessly between our responsibilities, family, friends, hobbies, and other such things. Leaving time for taking care of myself has been low on my list of priorities, as evidenced by the fact that my health is poor in a variety of ways. In a way, I feel like a Tulpa is a form of self-therapy, and so despite the initial interest in character- and world-building, I find myself losing interest because of it being about me as much as it is about her. How do I become willing to devote the time I need to take care of myself, from brushing my teeth regularly to creating and maintaining a Tulpa? Should I even try to create a Tulpa if there's a possibility I'm just going to forget about her again?
  3. Thank you, everyone, for the nice comments! I'm glad to know that there are some older members (not that we're old, exactly) in amongst all the fairly young people I've seen so far. My worry was that I would feel out of place, but it seems like there's a pretty good variety of people and Tulpae here if you look hard enough. One of my main fears is that I will overdevelop Echo before she has a chance to speak, and that it will lead to disappointment if she deviates, which I fear will hurt her feelings or something else terrible. My affinity for writing and similar things leads me to love character design and development, although whether I'm any good at it remains to be seen, and it's something I have put a lot of focus on whenever it came up in my past projects. For an example, my level of perfectionism leads me to stare at a drawing for days, nitpicking it to death until I feel like I can move on. I'm afraid of that happening while I try to figure Echo out. I want her to have the freedom to be who she is, but at the same time I'm afraid she'll want to deviate and that I won't like what she deviates to. It seems like a silly fear that she would deviate to something I don't like because, after all, this is all in my head and I'm in control...aren't I? Do Tulpae really have minds of their own, so to speak? Do they tend to diverge from your own believed/stated wishes? Or are these deviations your subconscious coming out with what you actually want/need? I want to treat her like she will be her own person with her own thoughts, feelings, and preferences, but it's like there's a slight barrier because of my doubts about the validity of such concerns. Is it up to me to believe she will be sentient with her own way of thinking? The last thing I want is a pretty robot that just parrots back my own thoughts; I actually want to have a friend who can offer alternative perspectives while sharing things in common with me. Maybe that want will make all the difference in her sentience and autonomy. Lastly, I want to say clearly that I would never dissipate her just because she developed something I didn't like, but I do fear that she would feel like a disappointment or feel unwanted if that happened. Unfortunately, I'm not the best at dealing with disappointment, so it's a legitimate fear in this case and in others, such as my fear of the disappointment I would feel by having a boy instead of a girl if I ever get around to having children. That is a thought I'm ashamed of having, and I feel like I'm having similar fears over Echo. Maybe creating a Tulpa will be an exercise in dealing with these feelings, in accepting things outside of my control and being happy with what I am given. Either way, at this point I want to try going more in-depth with her personality. When I next update, I'll try to include some information on what I come up with. Thank you for reading!
  4. Moonie's Journey You may call me Moonie, and I am a 27 year old woman living in the Pacific Northwestern corner of the United States. I currently attend college earning a medical office related associate's degree, rather than something related to my now nearly dead passion for drawing and writing. For about two-thirds of my life I have struggled both with depression and being morbidly overweight, both of which have negatively affected much of my life. My only friends are online and living half a world away, and, while I treasure them immensely, this is hard to cope with at times. Initially I had a larger intro about myself typed in here, but I started to wonder if it was really necessary—we are here for our tulpae, after all. If nothing else, I feel I must warn you: I am long-winded. I hope not to make every post as long as this one, but I make no promises! Tulpa-what-now? My initial introduction to the word and concept of 'Tulpa' was a frightening one: you know that story of the young girl who believed Slenderman told her to kill her young friend? Around the time it happened, I heard a late-night talk-radio host, who tends to talk about the paranormal, talk about the incident and he used it to discuss Tulpa. I had no idea what Tulpa were at the time, but I had heard of Slenderman in the context of those scary video games that people tend to play while filming themselves and who then post the hilarious shriekfests on YouTube. At that time I believed the girl to be either extremely misguided or mentally unwell, not under the influence of what whatever this 'Tulpa' nonsense was (and I still stand by that now that I know more about Tulpa). It wasn't until many months later when I was going through a list of subreddits and saw /r/Tulpa that I remembered and decided to let my curiosity take me there. Perhaps obviously the idea of Tulpa fascinates me, and my waking hours in the past couple weeks have been consumed with finding out everything I can about Tulpa. But why? I am, of course, a little skeptical, but the idea is so interesting that I can't get it out of my head. As I said before, I don't have many friends, and my interaction with people on a face-to-face level is fairly superficial and not a common occurrence. I suppose you could say I'm lonely, and I also struggle with depression, which is only compounded by that loneliness. One of my hopes is that a Tulpa might help me be a better person somehow. I would like to think of any Tulpa as type of friend that is more than any human friend could be while not being a replacement for lack of normal relationships. I see this as a sort of introspective mental exercise, but I'll admit that I can't help but think that maybe there's something to this other kind of sentience—even if it is all just in my head. The excitement I feel at the prospect of meeting my Tulpa is palpable. My First Tulpa Name: I knew without any doubt that her name would be Echo, although I also thought of Luna as a play on my own nickname and decided to let her decide when the time came. Echo feels right to me, though, so we'll see what happens. Form: A little over a week ago, she began to take shape in my mind. I could never picture her as anything but female, and her image seemed clearly defined early on. She has Japanese features, perhaps softened with something else. Her hair falls just past her elbows, and is black, silky-soft, and a little messy. Her eyes are heterochromatic, presenting as a purple right eye and a light-blue left eye. She is around my own height of 5'4", and she is slender with a nice figure. I can't seem to picture her without a sweet smile on her soft pink lips. I think she would wear colorful kimono or yukata sometimes, but I also picture her wearing comfortable, cute, and feminine modern clothes, as well. While I had sort of a cartoonish picture of her in my head, in a style that falls somewhere between a higher quality anime style and the typical American comic style, I felt that I would be happier if I could visualize her in a more realistic sense. I had a fairly good image in my head, but didn't know if any living girl would embody everything I imagined. Nevertheless, I searched for images of a Japanese girl of mixed race online...and I found her: Kato Rosa (warning, large album), a Japanese-Italian girl who so closely resembles the girl in my head that it startled me when I first saw her. I try not to look at these pictures too much, and I refuse to look for video of her moving or speaking so that I can let Echo be her own person in those respects. I think I have spent a little too much time on her looks, which is probably a symptom of my creative side wherein I love creating characters to draw or write about. I've also found lots of avatar creators and dress-up doll games that I've sunk a few too many hours into by making cute pictures of her. I fear for when I start trying to compile a list of her personality traits, as I believe I will get out of hand with that, as well. My regret is that I've spent so much time on this without doing much forcing, and I can picture her gently chastising me for it when she can. Personality: Her personality is underdeveloped, but I know she is a sweet and kind soul, both compassionate and empathetic to all living beings. She is witty, just a smidge sarcastic, and she loves to laugh. She is understanding and patient with me, but at the same time she is willing to push me and tell me how it is without sugar-coating things. However, she's tactful and mindful of hurting others' feelings, including mine. She is a creative soul, and I can't wait to see what kind of art she might create or what we might make together. My next step is to find some personality trait lists and tests and things (and I've found some, I just need to do them) and next time I come here I'll post my list. Mindscape For my wonderland, which I prefer to call a mindscape, I had a fairly clear idea (warning: huge album). In the linked album, the first picture of the sakura (cherry blossom) tree surviving on the lava-ravaged cliff serves as my initial inspiration. While I don't intend for lava to have wrecked everything, I was blown away by the cliff's edge idea with the sunset and billowing clouds. This album includes many elements which will eventually make up my wonderland: endless sakura trees, bamboo forests, giant wisteria trees and wisteria tunnels, red torii gates, endless fields of flowers, irregular stone paths and steps, Japanese style bridges, small waterfalls flowing into ponds and streams filled with koi, zig-zag bridges over water and surrounded by Japanese irises, and all lit by an abundance of beautiful paper lanterns. There will be one building to start: a traditional Japanese building on stilts with sliding rice paper walls, tatami mat flooring, surrounded by a traditional wooden 'hallway' that is exposed to the outdoors and good for sitting with one's legs hanging over the edge. Inside is a low table that one would sit on the floor to use, and a tokonoma (a recessed alcove, usually with art like a calligraphy wall scroll and/or ikebana [Japanese flower arrangement] placed inside) to one side. I picture this building near a cliff's edge that faces the western sunset, and if you were to sit on this side of the house your feet would dangle over a pond filled with koi which ends in an infinity pool style edge about ten feet away. This cliff edge juts outward like a point, and where the waterfall ends no one knows. Far below, black mountains peek out of the wispy clouds, and in the far distance you can see groves of sakura trees in bloom with the sun setting on the ocean beyond those. The ocean and sky are almost indistinguishable from each other without the sun, moon, and stars. The layout of the rest remains undetermined at this time, but will include the features I have mentioned previously. The temperature is comfortable with a light breeze that carries falling sakura petals like snow. Little birds sing their songs on the wind and flit among the sakura branches. At night the stars are breathtakingly brilliant and clear, and the moon is full and bright. Sometimes the northern lights and some shooting stars will streak across the heavens. Someday I hope to walk among the trees and the fields of flowers with Echo. My actual visualization of my mindscape is incredibly weak, along with Echo's form. I can clearly imagine Echo sitting there on that wooden walkway in a pastel yukata while facing the setting sun, her feet dangling over the koi pond, and she turns to smile at me with her sweet smile with the light bouncing off the curve of her cheek. However, I can't see it or her in my mind's eye—not yet—but I hope to soon. Baby Steps For at least a week now, it has been hard for me to think of anything else but Tulpas and Echo. My first and last thoughts of each day have been her, and I have begun actually speaking to her within my mind at various intervals during the day. It's mostly a one-sided conversation, just talking about different things I'm doing or that I'd like her to know. It's been difficult to spend proper time with her or do actual forcing sessions due to not having the house to myself since Sunday (my mother scheduled a 5 day vacation and my current situation means I live with her for now). I don't think there's anything to report on Echo's progress as of yet, and I believe any thoughts I've had have been more daydreaming and imagining what she might do or say and what it'll be like when she's fully realized. I think it all helps, or at least that it'll help me by doing those things. I plan for my first forcing session to include a proper self-introduction. In the meantime, I want to do some research for her personality so I have an idea in mind for when I want to do personality forcing. I can't wait to meet her! Closing Thoughts If you've gotten this far, kudos to you for sticking with me, and thank you. I wasn't kidding when I said I was long-winded, but I hope not to make too many posts as long as this one again. I don't have any major questions right now, but I hope to get to know some of you in time.