Ninki Nanka

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  1. Oh dear, looks like we haven't updated this in a while...! Truth be told, with the new term of university starting, I've been quite busy preparing for it, leading to not visiting the forum quite as much. However, there actually hasn't been that much to post. Barely any developments since the last entry, although I have made the observation somewhat recently that Heather tends to be more talkative at night, and sometimes we've had long-ish conversations in bed (although she still isn't using any complex language or stringing together long sentences). Although I've been finding it hard to set aside time to do nothing but focus on her, I'm almost always narrating to her when I'm alone and even then I talk to her sometimes using mindvoice when people are around. And I guess we're coming up on our 1 month mark - she keeps telling me that she wants to play chess, so as a kind of 1 month present I'm going to try and learn it so we can play together. :3
  2. This isn't a proper entry, but a friend drew a great picture of Heather that I wanted to share! I'd embed it into the post but it's enormous, so click here to view it! Heather loves it, and so do I! The skin is a little darker than how she actually looks, but that's okay. :3
  3. (19/09/14) Day 13: Road? Tarmac. ...Damn. So, I guess we're coming up on the two week mark! Not a whole lot has happened since the last entry - Heather has stayed at pretty much the same level of vocality, occasionally speaking single set words or phrases, and has started to more frequently communicate through images, especially of herself nodding, shrugging, etc. in response to things that I say or ask her about. I'm okay with this, even if it potentially means her vocal development will slow down a little. I want her to be able to advance at her own pace, so if she'd prefer to use non-vocal means of communication for now, that's fine by me. I've also continued to get head pressures, by the by. Anyway, having noticed her new preference for images and ideas, I decided it might be cool if we play word association with each other. I would say something, and she'd flash an image back at me (or say the thing, which she did a few times instead of giving me an image). She actually ended up 'winning', since she said tarmac and I'm dumb and had nothing to associate it with that we hadn't already said... so Heather 1, Ninki 0. >_> I guess that's all really. We've continued to passive and active force, though mostly passive since I've been occupied with a lot of pressing matters recently, including a thesis proposal. (I asked Heather if she wanted to add anything to the post. I got a firm 'no'. :P)
  4. Thanks for the comments Jeff! I think you're absolutely right on all counts - and from what I've read of your progress report, I'm certain Jess is making great progress even when you aren't actively forcing it. :)
  5. (14/09/14) Day 8: Trouble in Wonderland Today I learned that I need to practice what I preach. Kind of sets a negative tone for the rest of the entry I guess, but hey - not every day can be super wonderful and sunshine and rainbows. :P If you've been following our journal so far, you'll know that we've been making some really great progress. By the end of our first week together, we had communicated a little (once or twice we had short conversations, even), and Heather has shown me confirmations of her sentience more than just a few times by doing silly, cute or downright surprising things in our wonderland. To make a long story short, I think I got a little ahead of myself because of how well she's been developing. Essentially, Heather's progress has slowed down a little, and she's gotten a bit less vocal - and as a natural worrywart, I of course started getting a little paranoid, because on some level I think I had not been expecting our progress to slow down (Even though in retrospect it was probably inevitable). I'm not going to lie: I shamefully let doubt consume me for a bit on day 7, and panicked that I had been parroting her all along, in part because I had also read something quite negative shortly beforehand. But then I remembered my own advice: I need to just take it easy and trust her. If I let myself get wrapped up in doubt, I'm undermining all of Heather's hard work, and that isn't fair. Back in the greeting phase, I made a promise to her that I would try my hardest and never give up forcing her, and if I was to just suddenly doubt everything because of a silly reason, I feel like I'd be betraying her trust. Not to mention that even as I doubted, Heather reassured me of her sentience and independence: not by words, but through actions. I won't go into detail, as it was quite an intimate moment, but suffice to say I'd like to reiterate: what a god damn cutie. So even if we've slowed down a bit, and even if we've hit a roadblock - basically no matter what happens - I ain't gonna doubt her. We've been together for just over a week now, and I can confidently say that I'm happy to have her around, and I'm looking forward to spending so much more time with her in the many years to come. So, hey, Heather: thanks for sticking with me even though I'm dumb sometimes. >_> I couldn't wish for a better tulpa. And thank you, readers, for reading!
  6. I agree with fennecgirl, but I also just wanna add some thoughts of my own. When it comes to tulpa, the reason everyone says belief is vital is because there are so few - if any - ways to definitively identify your tulpa as sentient, or as truly vocal and not being parroted early on. You have to believe that your tulpa is talking to you and acting independently because they literally thrive and depend on attention and belief to grow. People say 'you can't accidentally parrot' because it promotes that vital belief in your tulpa. I don't want to put words or actions in your mouth but it kinda sounds like you doubted your tulpa's progress on some level, heard what you wanted to hear (perhaps as an intrusive thought as fennecgirl suggested) and then rolled with it as if it was the truth. I dunno if you agree with that, but it seems like it's a possibility. My two cents.
  7. I'm interested to know what exactly made you suddenly think, after months, that what you had been experiencing was parroted? It honestly sounds like actual vocality was happening and then you suddenly got big doubts and decided that everything had been parroted... you know what they say about belief being important and doubt basically being a tulpa-killer.
  8. (11/09/14) Day 5: Motion (I really couldn't think of anything smart) Day 5 was pretty cool, to be honest. Why? Well, Heather started moving around a LOT and acting of her own accord by the end of the day. A lot happened, and it'd take a long time to talk about every single little thing - as much as I'd love to gush about her and the progress we're making I don't have a whole load of time to write this. So, thing number #1 that happened! I saw a post that suggested an activity with your tulpa where you ask them to surprise you. We were laying on a bed in our wonderland when I asked her, and at first, she kinda rolled off the bed and started acting like she was angry or something, and stomping her feet a little. I asked her if I offended her and moved a little closer... to which she responded by suddenly giving me a hug. Cutest. Thing. Ever. I have never dawww'd so hard in my life before. I legitimately though I had upset her for some reason, so I was surprised when she hugged me! Pretty good indicator of sentience if you ask me. Thing #2! It was bed time. By the way, I usually light a candle as I go to sleep - partly because I like the glow, and partly because I bought a specific kind just for Heather (strawberry and pomegranate. damn that stuff is sweet smelling). People say it's good to associate a smell with your tulpa, since not only does it lend a further sense of reality to them, our sense of smell is strongly linked to our memories. I often think about Heather as I'm drifting off to sleep, so... yeah. Anyway, as I'm laying there with my eyes closed, I suddenly get the image of her hopping onto the bed and cuddling up to me. I ended up falling asleep with her next to me in our wonderland. What a god damn cutie. (12/09/14) Day 6: Classic? Not a whole load of vocalization from Heather compared to the last few days. Quite a lot of movement, which makes me happy... since as far as I know it's quite common for autonomous movement to develop before the tulpa becomes a chatterbox. We did some more work on visualization, and after that, I asked her if she wanted to do some speech exercises I'd read about, which essentially aid in developing your tulpa's mindvoice and coaxing them into speaking more often. Buuuut she didn't want to. Which was fine, I'm not gonna force her to do something if she doesn't want to - so instead we just napped. >_> Productive, I know. That said, we also went to the store for a snack run after waking up. I was browsing ice cream and decided it'd be fun to ask her what flavour to get, specifically, which type of cornetto. She responded with classic - which was fine, that's probably my second favourite after mint. However, after the fact, some questions raised in my head. When I asked her, I was looking specifically at the classic flavour, and she responded with classic. I have been feeling a little troubled about this - perhaps she was just saying what she could see, due to limited vocality? Perhaps I accidentally parroted her? I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, of course: I think it was the former! I suppose there's also the possibility that she just legitimately wanted me to get classic - but I'm also probably putting way too much thought into this. :P That's all for now... like I said, limited time to write. ;-;
  9. Really interesting journal. :D I like the idea of being next to each other in the Wonderland making it easier to communicate through passive forcing, I'll try that out myself too! I'm looking forward to reading more!
  10. Thanks for the kind comments, Sakura and Sarah! Yeah, I won't worry about it, I'm sure her voice will become more distinguishable with time. :) And I'm sure Heather appreciates everyone's kindness too! She's been pretty active today, so expect an entry later!
  11. Hi Marie, thanks for reading, and thanks for the warm reply and compliments! :3 Yeah, I decided that after the symbolic 'cutting of the strings', anything she does or appears to be doing is her acting of her own will. The way I see it now is that although I might be able to conjure up an image of her and control her in any scenario, that's not her; rather it's more of a clone or something, like how we can buy toy soldiers or dolls and make them enact something (though they are not the real thing, just representations). I'm unable to puppet/control the 'real' her because I cut the 'puppet strings' (perhaps I explained this poorly? My brain's a little frazzled). As you say, though, it's very reassuring to hear similar sentiments from someone else. Also, this approach has actually helped immensely with battling intrusive thoughts! Which is awesome.
  12. Agni is super cute. Like, wow, super duper cute. I love the scarf. Heather and I are pretty new to tulpamancy. We're still in the early stages, but we've been making fast progress. She's spoken to me a few times already, and from the few words she's said, I can already tell she's got some biting sarcasm and is pretty laid back. I'm basically the opposite and am a massive worrywart. >_> I'd be extremely appreciative if you could make some art of what we know about Heather so far, which is primarily stuff from shoulder-up. Her hair is pretty thin, and the opposite of... well, bushy or voluminous. It's a very, very pale platinum blonde, almost a starlight white. She seems to like wearing it in a curtains style - pretty long bangs framing her face that reach down to her chin and a plain white headband, with the back of her hair worn down. Her skin's a kind of dark grey, more or less this colour. Her eyes are just one solid colour, red - not terribly dull red, though, it's kind of like blood red? In this regard think of her eyes as being similar to the pure black eyes of a spider, that's the best comparison I can think of. No pupils, no iris. Just red. (Kind of creepy, right...? Don't tell her I said that.) Otherwise normal shape for human eyes. She has some pretty noticeable eyelashes, too. Her nose and chin are both pretty sharp and defined, and kinda pointy. Her lips are quite full, and a lighter shade of grey (in comparison to her skin tone). Up to you whether or not you wanna depict these, but her canines are very sharp and almost fang-like. Her ears seem to be slightly pointed, but otherwise pretty normal human-looking ears. Again, super appreciative if you choose to art her!
  13. (10/09/14) Day 4: Speech Honestly, today was a really great day, and I feel like I have a lot to say but am not entirely sure how to say it, so excuse me if this entry seems a little rant-y or word salad-y. :P To start off, I'd like to paste a reddit post I made earlier today that'll provide a bit of context to this entry. So, following that, I'll cut to the chase - Heather spoke to me today, and multiple times at that. The things she said were small phrases of one to three words. The most notable event, in my opinion, is related to the quote above. To put it bluntly, I'd been stressing out a bit about her. I kept worrying about her development, if I was stifling her too much, was I doing things right, and so on. Thing is, I have a habit of apologizing when I know I'm fudging up, and as I mentioned in an earlier entry, I talk to Heather pretty much all the time because I believe passive forcing is sooo important. So as I'm apologizing for like the millionth time, she just cuts me off and I hear her laugh and say 'stop apologizing so much'. I was honestly a little flabbergasted, but after a few moments, I can't even describe how happy I felt that she'd just said that to me. Besides that, though, I've also heard her say 'yeah', and there was a point where I'm pretty sure she snarked at me by quoting something I read on Reddit. It may be because I'm still so unused to hearing her speak, but I can't quite recall what her voice sounds like yet. I think this is just a matter of unfamiliarity though. On the non-speech side, I should probably mention that last night we ended up doing a visualization session that lasted around an hour. Combined with another hour or so since last night spent on visualizing, two hours in, I'm essentially able to picture her face pretty accurately on demand. The rest of her body is a bit blurry (and still prone to changing a little here and there, I've noticed) but there's no rush. Before I actually dive into writing up a little description, I'll mention some things we did by combining some ideas gathered from around the tulpa community. I envisioned her body having a skeleton inside of it - this helped A LOT with helping to get her proportions right. Similarly, I then 'put her organs in', and these two methods combined really helped to lend a sense of reality to her form, and drive it home that she's an actual being, not just a servitor or doll or whatever. I also took the symbolic measure of 'cutting the strings', essentially handing over her agency to her. She's still pretty static so far, only moving around a lot when I give her a little kickstart, but we'll get there over time. I more or less believe, in this regard, that she's new to her agency and her individuality and needs some time to get used to it before taking off the training wheels. Truth be told, I think we're making great progress so far and I keep having to remind myself we're only coming up on the end of day 4. Anyway, about that description of her head: her hair is pretty long, thin and silky - it was originally a kind of starlight white but as we forced, it ended up kind of naturally changing to a very very pale platinum blonde. Her skin is grey, and feels pretty soft: as I've visualized her, I've also been following some advice and touching her, imagining the texture of her skin, hair, and so on. Her eyes are kind of creepy (I guess), as they're just... red. One solid colour. She has some fairly long eyelashes, as well as a pretty pointed and sharp nose (and sharp features in general) as well as some pretty full lips. I've got a friend who'll be able to draw her for me when her appearance is a bit more set in stone, so that's cool, too. Expect that... eventually. I guess that's it for today. I should probably point out and make it clear that the quote I pasted above is basically a good summary of my attitude from this point forward, and I'd suggest a similar attitude for other newbie tulpamancers. Ninki out!
  14. Welcome to the writing-y place of Ninki Nanka and Heather. Ninki: a 20 year old girl in her third year of university, studying for an undergraduate degree. Heather: her tulpa! Feel free to comment in this topic, as I'd love to get feedback and talk about my entries~! If something mid-entry is bolded like this, it means I'd appreciate comments on that particular part of the entry. Preamble I guess I'll start by just talking about what we've done so far? I don't usually write journal/progress report things like this so it'll take a some getting used to! I discovered tulpamancy recently after encountering a tulpamancer out in the wild (on Reddit, to be precise). He and his tulpa were defending themselves from some less than understanding people. Intrigued by the idea and what I'd heard about the concept of tulpas from them, I told them I supported them and ended up looking into tulpamancy myself. Cue spending the entire rest of my day looking up FAQ's, guides, and so on. I was utterly fascinated by the concept of tulpae. Truth be told, not too long has passed between the time when I first discovered tulpae and right now as I'm writing this, but I'd like to stress that this doesn't mean I'm ignorant or that I've jumped into tulpamancy without understanding anything. Last thing before I get into my experiences so far: the guide I've been referring back to frequently is May the Force be with You by Methos, which I found through the handy list of guides on /r/tulpas. (07/09/14) Day 1: The Greeting Phase I'll explain the 'greeting phase' briefly since I know it's not totally common knowledge. It's explained briefly in Methos' guide, and I believe the concept was originally created by a user of this forum, Phi. The idea behind it is that it's a short, 30 minute (or so) session in which you introduce yourself to your tulpa, before any other stage of creation. It's kind of like an ice breaking session. You talk about your intentions, and what you're going to do together. It's a real nice way to start your relationship together, in my opinion. So, as you've probably gathered - that's what we did that day! I sat down on my bed and spoke to her for a while. It was at this point where I gave her the name Heather. I made it clear that even though that's what I'm gonna call her for now in order to make things easier, she's free to deviate and choose something else down the line. Similarly, I also just tried to make it clear that she's free to deviate in any way, and that throughout the creation process, she shouldn't feel like she has to rigidly stick to what I tell her. By the end of the session I was feeling pretty good about the entire thing and was eager to see what awaited us. (08/09/14) Day 2: Persona!(lity) I decided that, with the greeting phase out of the way, day 2 would be the beginning of the personality phase for us. I guess I should note something here: taking the advice of various folk on the internet, ever since day 1, really, I've been passively forcing - or in other words narrating to Heather. I tend to just talk to her as I go about my day, whether that means I'm gushing about something to her, complaining about something, or asking rhetorical questions. Most of the time I'll be speaking out loud to her as I find that easiest. Apparently some people have trouble narrating, but it came to me pretty naturally. I think that by talking to her so much, I'm definitely helping her develop! I sometimes direct my speech, too, in particular directions, mostly to my right where the empty space is next to my desk. I kind of just lapse into doing it without thinking, perhaps because that's where I feel she is in relation to me? So, anyway, back on track. I took the advice in Methos' guide and made a spreadsheet of Heather's personality traits, and then went into depth about them and how they might affect her likes, dislikes, relationships, moral system, and so on. I spent a few hours on this planning phase and the spreadsheet, and then later in the day, we sat down and I spent about an hour and a half explaining things to her. It's worth nothing that she doesn't really have a form at this point: I was (and at the time of writing still am) taking the 'ball of light' approach, but that should be changing soon. I considered writing out a description of her personality here, but... well, I decided against it. The primary reason is because not only would I end up abridging it too much, I'm allowing her enough room to deviate that she may not end up entirely like how I described her in this phase anyway. Also, on this day, I felt as though I heard her in my mind very, very briefly, and only for a single word - 'yeah'. I've heard time and time again that if you aren't 100% sure that it was you using your mind voice, you shouldn't disregard it, so I didn't. It hasn't happened since, but I'm going to go forward assuming she did speak, as I don't want to get into a mindset of 'she can't possibly be doing x at y' and end up stifling her. EDIT: Another thing that I noticed was that I felt the oft-mentioned 'head pressure', in the form of a fleeting sensation at the front of my head or just in 'the head area' in general. I have also since experienced what I've heard a few people describe as 'heart flutters', and I believe that these are her presence, as there was no other reason for them to happen (as far as I know). (09/09/14) Day 3: Wonderland (Hopefully not of the Deadman variety.) So far today I've taken the liberty of settling upon the design of our wonderland - the entrance is a cave with a spring and waterfall, with a passage leading into a pretty nice apartment-esque area. It's very relaxing, and I kinda put the waterfall there because I love the sound of rushing water. There's a 'portal' of sorts off to the side, too: the idea is that by going through that, we can go into any kind of backdrop, whether that's a black void, a pink sparkly anime background or a grassy knoll. She's usually there near the entrance as a ball of light when I go there. I think that's me kind of placing her there subconsciously - is this harmful at all? I have to admit people talk of the dangers of puppeting a lot so I do have some worries. I don't purposefully place her there in the wonderland, she's just... there. I've yet to decide what we're gonna do tonight - either we'll spend a little bit more time on personality or just move on to visualization. Since I want her to have a decent amount of freedom in her development, especially in regards to personality, I don't want to spend too long on that stage. If we do spend more time on personality, it'll likely be me reinforcing the very core, important traits that I would like her to possess for sure.
  15. Hey everyone! Believe it or not, I discovered tulpamancy through a somewhat negative, critical post about it on a particular subreddit. The ideas intrigued me a lot and I looked further into it and, well, here I am. After reading a lot of guides and introducing myself to the general concepts involved, I decided to get started with tulpa creation! Until she can confirm whether or not she's okay with the name, I've been referring to her as Heather, and we're working on forcing her daily. It's exciting as all hell and I'm looking forward to participating in the community.