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About ClianthaMiura

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    Nosy, are you? ;) jk, hi.
    Since you're here, I'm an art student, amateur writer, gamer, wiccan, and almost predictably, gay.
    I have five tulpas: Desmond, L, Nevira, Misa and Roska.
  1. So, long time no see. I honestly just didn't feel like checking the forum even mattered, been feeling super depressed in a sense that everything is just pointless and I get nothing done because of it. I still probably won't read through anything that's been written since our last visit, but I thought I'd update on how our system's doing. As for me, I had the most horrible Christmas time since never, it was afwul. The antipsychotics caused some instability in my mood if I took it in the morning, causing me to be fine one moment and then suddenly feel so empty and miserable that I legit could not see in front of me. I had some sudden attacks of "mania", just intense anger that made me want to chop my own fingers off. Since the morning dose was stopped I've been more consistently grey and passive, which I frankly prefer. The highs weren't worth the crashes that came after with those meds. I still take them in the evenings, and they also make me kinda sleepy, and every time the dosage is upped my sleep schedule does a 180 'cause I sleep like 16 hours in one go and still find time to nap. I don't know if they're doing anything besides that, I guess the doctor doesn't either since they keep raising my meds. At this point I'm only eating them to prove them that they don't work, I've long since given up on the thought of getting better and it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Desmond and L had the best Valentines' so far. Somehow, because they started planning the day ahead of time, the build up to it was full of just this dumb romantic, loving, cuddly warmth. They've both been sleeping a lot due to my own inactivity, and the rest of them don't really do anything either. Desmond had another short insecure and depressed phase recently, but I seem to only remember it because it made L stick by his side 247 taking care of him and it was kinda really sweet. The rest of it is completely slipping my mind right now, which is a mild inconvenience I guess. Misa or Nevira haven't really been active during recent months. They've made some appearances, but for some reason it's the menfolk in my head that get the most activity out of it. Roska is doing pretty great. He's decided that he's turning 10 next summer, so he had a very small growth spurt just recently that he was very proud of. He still sometimes sneaks in to sleep next to Desmond or L. He's been getting some pets in wonderland, most notably a white duck named Marmeladi (marmalade). He also has a bird cage with sparrows in his room, and he's upset that he can't just have every animal as a pet at once because they're all awesome. So far he's wanted a snake, bats, a baby kangaroo, and one other thing that I can't remember anymore but it was large and I think something he wanted to ride. Not a horse lol. He still absolutely adores birds of all kind and likes drawing bugs and collecting pretty rocks.
  2. I doodled a lovey dovey Desmond and L to get past art block. Then there's a "sexy nurse" Desmond, from a conversation we had with our friends who are currently sick. Inspired by the halloween costume style nurse outfit. And just a random Desmond with a slightly different style from my usual drawing style.
  3. That's the plan, though it's gonna get worse before it gets better because my medication makes it worse and the dosage has just been upped. Fun!
  4. Oof, I have terrible dental routines nowadays because I live in such a haze that I can't tell the days apart, so rare is the day I realize I haven't brushed my teeth and then when I do there's blood everywhere. But I've already ruined my teeth years ago so I kinda find it a bit hard to care. Last time I went to see a dentist they strongly recommended daily flossing to get my gums used to being poked at and to get everything out from between my crooked af back teeth. It worked for a while when I still remembered it. Lots of places my toothbrush just can't reach. Kind of a rant lol oops
  5. Some L stuff, a redraw of an old silly out of character pose and some references for his scars, though they haven't changed from the previous references. Just to update it to my art style I guess. I also drew an outright sinful Desmond tied up in ropes and blindfolded that I think is a bit too dirty to post here lol, nothing's showing but the context is a bit much for this site. Based on the things I end up drawing sometimes when I don't sleep when I should, one could imagine I'm something other than an asexual lesbian(/somewhat aromantic).
  6. Desmond's having a kind of a phase where he gets a kind of a high from being around L, like the saying goes, love is one hell of a drug. He gets those every once in a while, it's cute. So I drew a bunch of blushing Desmonds. And a random anatomy/shading exercise.
  7. Yikes, kinda dont't wanna post stuff here due to recent discussions about what's acceptable in progress report threads. I mean, I don't make progress with tulpas anymore? They just are and we just hang out and I write that shit like a diary to kinda keep our "status" updated on the forum? Is that not ok? I'm confused. Also yeah to update the last post, psychotic depression is my current diagnosis and I'm lowkey worried antipsychotic meds could affect tulpas somehow, especially because the doctor seemed to think that based on what I told her about possession and fronting and shit. She wants to "treat" them, I guess, but I already told my nurses that if I notice a change in my tulpas I will refuse to continue that medication, and they seemed to be fine with changing my meds if it came to that. That's not really progress either. Nothing like that, in fact. Our PR is nothing but somewhat notable occurances or shifts in the system (myself included), most of it could better be described as "character development" than tulpa progress, but that's just natural human growth over time and experiences and nothing to really "update" you guys about. So uhh. I guess I won't. It sucks ass but hell, if what we're doing could be considered rule-breaking or even flirting with the concept, I'd rather just not post. Gonna miss ya, see you on on-topic convos or my art thread I guess.
  8. Nevira seems to wear different clothes every day, Desmond changes his sometimes and always "manually" undresses to bed at night. So yeah, tulpas can change clothes if they want to : D
  9. I made a Desmond art dump thing. Yeah. And a very pink Desmond and Roska thing.
  10. Oh oops didn't see this until now haha I guess I want our PR to be read, even if we're not very active. Usually only the last couple of pages are relevant 'cause there's often weeks between updates. Months sometimes. But it's nice when people read it. Don't know about summaries, I guess if you want to summarize it you're welcome to do so.
  11. 6th November 2019 Well, I honestly think I might have some form of a budding schizophrenia, based on the symptoms and warning signs and the questions I've been asked lately when I go to the psych meetings. I think they're suspecting it too. Haven't had a clear full blown psychosis or anything, but I see how some of my beliefs and fears and odd thoughts could be seen as delusions, even if I personally believe them to be real or accurate most of the time. Maybe they are, don't know. And I have random scent or taste "hallucinations" sometimes. The taste one is weird. Anyway, Desmond's not doing so hot either right now. It's depression season, and even though he was doing fine for a while there, it's clear he's got some issues hiding within. Came out as alcohol abuse mixed with weed last night. I don't have personal experience with using any substance like that, being the abstainer that I am, so his experience is based on my exposure to other people's drunkenness in my social circles and media, and his high makes him giggly and passive, laughing at stupid shit and staring at walls and ceiling. He had a slight stutter and kept repeating words, overall blurry demeanor, weird sentence structure, blunt honesty, waves of nausea and vomiting... That sort of stuff. So yeah, fun night, stayed awake with him for quite a bit. He's living the consequences now, at 9 am the next morning. He made some remarks about how "fun" it is to suffer physical people problems without being one, but we both know he wouldn't want to not have them. They give weight to his actions and existence, in a sense. I wish I could see my negatives that way but I guess it's not fun when it's not optional. Any way, to more positive things I guess. A while ago now, Roska accidentally called Desmond "dad" in a conversation. He was immediately embarrassed and Desmond's heart probably skipped a beat or two. But Desmond came to the realization that it didn't feel bad to be called that, and after quite a bit of an identity crisis about the whole thing, decided to allow it. So now Roska calls him and L "dad" sometimes, though, when they're both present he usually calls them by name. It's pretty cute. Roska is supposed to be around 8 or 9 years old, we've decided to keep it vague until next year when it's his birthday, because I feel we'll have a better grasp of what he's supposed to age into, you know? But he's a small sized child, and his behavior and personality seem more comparable to a girl of his age rather than a boy, at least based on personal experience with kids of both sexes. He's calm and affectionate, snuggles against Desmond in his sleep or hugs L's arm, he likes to sleep against them, between them or at the other end of their bed all rolled up in a blanket. He likes to be close to people. The walls of his room are covered with his drawings of different kinds of bugs and he has a bird cage with sparrows. He saw snow for the first time and is figuring out how to play in it, it's adorable. I expect to see snowmen in the not so far future.
  12. So yeah, I talked to the doctor about tulpas a lot lol I told her about fronting and stuff, described how they feel to me, what they're like, etc. She took a ton of notes and kept confirming that I don't "actually" see them. I mentioned that I do sense them around me and sometimes smell them. I didn't get to talk about everything I wanted because she didn't want to read my notes and I failed to bring everything up. She wanted to hear the things from my mouth but the very reason I write things down is because it's easier for me, I get to be so much more precise and not just vomit out whatever comes to mind because I'm a mess when it comes to speaking my mind effectively. And I got put on an "actual" psychiatrist's wait list. Every time I've talked about my psychiatrists in the past I've actually referred to the psychiatric nurses that I've been talking to. This is the first time anyone's brought up the real deal so I don't know where this is going lol. I'm on sick leave now so I'm just trying to get my head together and think on what I want to do with school and stuff. I have trouble thinking ahead more than a week or two, so that's what I'm trying to work on. I suppose I'll keep you up to date lol
  13. Ours is pretty much just us rambling about what we've been up to, sometimes Desmond uses it to vent. I never expect anyone to read what we post, so it's not a big deal if you skip it :') We're not very active here rn so I hardly ever read any PRs myself, or just skim through some of them.
  14. Sort of been a while again. I've completely lost motivation and all interest in almost everything, I don't get pleasure from anything aside from new video games. I live inside my head most of the time, I stopped going to school a month ago (nobody there has even noticed lmao) and yeah, things are going downhill. But the thing is, I don't feel that depressed, as in sad or desperate, guilty or other negative emotion like that about it. I feel at peace. I don't give a damn about my future, why should I feel bad? I'm 110% sure I have schizoid personality disorder. I brought it up with my psychiatrist and we talked about getting a diagnosis, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow where we're supposed to discuss all sorts of crap. The psychiatrists asked if I was having delusions or hallucinating, for the second time since starting there. I think they're suspecting schizophrenia, and tbh it doesn't surprise me. I don't think getting that diagnosis would surprise or bother me either. I'm thinking of coming completely clean about how real my tulpas are to me, about everything related to them. I'm going to talk about believing in magic and being Wiccan. I want to see if this is delusional enough for that. You know, for science.
  15. Sorry about your brother-in-law. I'm just 22 years old, but been very much in touch with death as a subject because of mental health issues, and the death of my mother a few years ago. The thought of dying makes my tulpas sad, we all know my death is their death as well, and when I was at my worst, Desmond told me he doesn't want to die. He's afraid of dying. I'm not so much, but I don't want to go before my time if I can help it, now that I'm doing better. So short answer, some of mine are afraid of dying and get sad at the thought, but it's not a subject that's on our mind a lot due to my young age and relatively ok health.
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