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About Yakumo

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    Mad Scientist

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    And I remember... I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget.
    And then I realized - like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond, a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than me, because they could stand that. These were not monsters, these were tulpas - trained individuals who had friends, families, who were filled with love. But they had the strength - the strength... to do that.
    You have to have tulpas who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to act without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment! Because it's judgment that defeats us.

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  1. Hi Miri! Stress can cause the weirdest psychosomatic pains so I'd say them being tied to a headmate is not too implausible. I think quite some people have reported their tulpas suffering significantly less from mental conditions than the host. It always seemed unbelievable to me but hey, so are many things in this world. What does therapist say about this, assuming you're still seeing her? Luckily we're not dealing with anything like that but my pain threshold has significantly increased since doing this. Probably an effect of exercising dissociation plus bleeding from tupper who is very detached from body sensations on purpose. So she experiences strong emotions but little somatic feedback from the body. We're not good at switching so that's all there is to say. As mentioned, feeling numb or weird is pretty normal but somatic pain is unusual. Hope you find a way to deal with it, I'd guess it's about the underlying stressors. Taking a break from fronting every now and then might help Mirichu, I mean she appears to have shouldered a lot of burdens.
  2. Hmm, I guess it's better to face a frightful end than fright without end. It may sound pathetic but in all honesty see this as a new beginning and an opportunity to grow. A way out of a dead end even if this way may be painful and terrifying now. I already gave my opinion based on what you told us here - if this is not some form of dissociative disorder than I dunno what else is supposed to be. In any case it clearly has a severely negative impact on your life and needs to be addressed by a professional. You have taken this step, you seem to trust your therapist so that's already something positive. Above all, remember - no matter what happens - you are not alone in this. Neither you as a person nor as a system. There are others willing to lend you a hand. That's an extremely valuable asset not everyone can count on. Keep reminding yourself of that, I am convinced it helps. In addition to therapy and possibly medication I strongly suggest to take a proactive stance on this. No therapist and no meds will help you if you don't accept help from others and help yourself. Bear should serve as a role-model in this, if tuppering has taught me anything it is that personalities can be rebuilt and improved to an unbelievable degree. The mind is malleable. Your anxiety, guilt, self-loathing - they need to be overcome. No that's not easy, it's incredibly hard and painful but it can be done. And with even the smallest success and growth things become progressively easier and easier. Also please discern between living in your personal fantasy world and dissociative disorders. There's nothing wrong with living in your own reality as long as you don't pose a threat to yourself and others and at least and remain on professional terms with the consensus "reality" of the society you live in. Society itself is a grand collective fantasy world and most people are in some way delusional. What's important is that it works. At least most of the time. So I'd say that should be your goal here. Yep. So don't. Do you really wanna be like everyone else for the sake of being like everyone else like some NPC? Hell I wouldn't. I worked 40 years NOT to live in the same reality as average people. And I love it! Or look at Mistgod. The man lives in a fantasy world beyond belief with Melian by his side for almost his entire life - and openly telling everyone about her - while still being a functioning family man, teacher and friend. Not an easy and average one perhaps but he's happy and it works for him. It's all about carving out a niche to live the life you want to. Takes work, money and a lot of guts but it's doable. More than ever nowadays in our 'diverse' society. So don't worry too much about that part. Just keep things within reason. Well uh, yeah, can't really blame her eh? Yes, the DID / BPD / schizo / psychotic label sucks because such people are perceived not just as odd but as dangerous or at least deeply disturbing. No idea what can be done about it, that's the job of professionals. But surely sulking about what a terrible and difficult person you are is not helpful. Just like an ill person won't get better from brooding over their illness and blaming themselves for it. It's not your fault, ok? So accept the situation, do what you can do, work on the parts you can work on, one small step at a time. Therapist said you're an unique case and a challenge. Ain't that - good? Better than some standard case which gets sent home with meds without receiving any attention. It's a chance to get involved with the therapist and learn from each other. Well that's what I'd do but I'm some crazy scientist after all. Provided you like and trust her. It's a very personal matter after all. In any case no, there's no going back. Only forward. My last advice - go full Hernando Cortez. Burn your ships, march on into the future. No turning back on confabulated "good ol' times". Ahh, there I go wasting my time solving other people's problems again without being asked instead of doing my work. Sorry, can't help it :P
  3. It's not just about dependence but potential harm to self and others. High quality coke (which you won't get on the street) is theoretically less harmful than other hard drugs but still enough to ruin your body and mind pretty quickly. Crack - well... What exactly is that 'safety ratio' in the graph above? I assume it's purely pharmacological. While it's true you can hardly poison yourself with weed, shrooms or acid you can still cause significant harm to yourself while on a trip. Though much less likely than with hard drugs and most of all, you probably won't try it again.
  4. Well I'm sorry I'm just some stupid 3rd world European with ice cream less graveyards. I honestly assumed his job was to disinfect all gravestones, mop the floor of the drive-thru funeral hall and clean and refill the ice cream vending machines installed every 50 feet or whatever funny units you use.
  5. Usually yes. I'm vaccinated against all even remotely common stuff because I travel a lot in tropical countries. All shots go into arm / shoulder. I assume neither Lumi nor his doctor are heroin addicts, maybe he can enlighen us on the toe stuff. Sounds painful.
  6. Dentist gives you shots in the mouth to numb the pain but toes is a new one for me.
  7. I've never heard of ice cream machines in graveyards but I guess everything is possible in the US.
  8. That's really not bad I guess. An average skilled worker or teacher would barely earn that much in Germany, but with all social securities included. What does a graveyard janitor do all day/night?
  9. Wouldn't that be a total waste of your knowledge and education? I still think your biggest obstace is your ability to neet without consequences. If you can stay in bed all day and play vidya all night pretty much forever there's little incentive to change. I mean it's not like I couldn't relate.
  10. Hmm, too bad Sands isn't around anymore so I guess it's up to me then... Naturally I think your concepts and exercises can be helpful for personal growth and I see no issues with them in general, it should rather be common sense. However you tell us the massive and highly metaphysical part of a belief system (chakra healing) is not required and then continue to introduce it to us more or less unchanged. If this is not supposed to be meta but a psychological guide why we need chakras at all? What benefit has this term to someone unfamiliar with the clearly metaphysical concept behind it? This is what Sands criticized as symbolism. Your personal framework of beliefs and symbols may hold great significance to you but is of little use to anyone else not invested in them. Expanding such belief system loaded with obscure "knowledge" is unnecessary or even harmful if it becomes a doctrine. In other words - using meta terms without the meta is kinda - just why? If it is not required, drop it for the sake of simplicity and clarity. You call it a psychological guide yourself. You know this is not a personal attack against you, why would I do that. But just think about who this guide is supposed to be for. Those with meta beliefs can just stick to the original shadow work or chakra healing concepts readily available. Those allergic to meta beliefs will go 'that's where I stopped reading' after a few lines. Question is - can you distill the useful fundamentals? It is of course fine and helpful to explain initially which terms are used in chakra healing and what abstract concepts lie behind them but I see no benefit in continuing to use them afterwards. Again, it's not me telling you what you are 'allowed' to post here, far from that. Just thinking a guide about these techniques completely free of metaphysical 'buzzwords' would be much more valuable to those outside of spiritual / meta communities than some mixture. Well this is just my 2 cents, I've been curious about how that shadow work you kept talking about was supposed to function.
  11. Wat - I thought you were referring to MY third headmate hence the question who' supposed to be the second?? I think I'm going to sleep.
  12. Heh, how did you come up with Dürer's Wheel of Fortune? It's spun by time on the right and a sly fox with big balls to the left and symbolizes the injustice of life. Three noble birds are at the bottom or desperately clinging on, an eagle (Adler) left, peacock (Pfab) in the middle and falcon (Falck) right, while three associated with bad luck are at the top. A jay left (Heher), a pheasant right (Fashun) and the annoying and thieving magpie (Middle Old German: Agerlaster = Elster) with a crown in the middle. Apart from the magpy which took me a while all names are pretty much the same in modern German or at least sound the same though written a bit differently. Albrecht Dürer was a truly master of 16th century memes, many of his images are really dark humor. Also I'd rather stick to sacrificing animals which are actually edible before we start the next pandemic bat soup style.