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About Gambarimasu

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    I regret nothing

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    Professional thinker now
  1. i kind of do that all the time, since i was a child i was always the only bastard around without one of that music players shit so i got used to play music in my head. Though it is not really imposed music and it obviously doesn't replace normal listening methods, it feels very realistic to me and i can hear my music whenever i'm not near a computer or something to listen normally. It can be very bothersome too, if you don't control it enough you can end up reproducing whatever sticky music you find around, even if you don't like what you hear, if it's sticky enough you can end up reproducing people's voices and music you don't like, even noises that end up having rhythm. The stuff is cool but only when you are hearing what you want.
  2. Well i can't talk in general but I've had experience with a somewhat unruly tulpa myself, when she came she would be quite rebel and would look at me with that scary face, it was really upsetting but i was firm in not letting her get through me, i eventually made a truce with her and began to know her better, when i showed her that i could be strong too i earned her respect, since then she's been really lovable and scolds me to keep me in line, she trolls or is rude to me from time to time but i know she's only testing my spirit because she wants me to be strong. TL;DR what i'm trying to say is, maybe she's right to be mad at you but don't let it take you down, try to amend things with her and most importantly earn her trust and respect, let her know when you can't force and such and show her that you can be strong. And about the schedules, the basic thing is not to take it as a work, take it as spending time with a friend and don't worry about putting strict hours and such, just force whenever you can and keep thinking about her throughout the day. And don't forget hugs :3
  3. A loooot of shit happened indeed, bad shit and good shit equally, i just don't know anymore, mega update indeed because everything just stacked up. First of all, i've been in deep bad feels recently, the same stuff as ever, the stuff that people scolds me for and the kind of things that i should have left behind long ago but didn't. Mika, Lilly and Ciel are doing well at the moment, Ciel seems to have retreated a little in terms of "focusing easily" to give space to the other, i didn't ask this directly so i'm only assuming, she's been nice as always, she sometimes trolls me or says something rude but i know she means well, all she want is for me to be strong and i know she's just testing my spirit. I dunno if i said this already but Lilly kind of matured along the way, if someone ever read my progress report they will know Lilly as an impacient child and just wanting me to notice her or something like that, well... she just returned to how she was originally in the beginning, a really quiet and wise person, she's really quiet indeed and she doesn't feel like talking too often, but she's there to talk me into sense whenever it is necessary, i owe her a lot of stuff in my progress too. Mika has been Mika as always, the kind and adorable Mika, the one who can scold me while still hugging me, also her taste for meat has been awesome as always, she expressed before that she wants to master "The knowledge of the meat" which is only learn how to cook it and to eat delicious meat always, the realization came when i was eating meat and the stuff was really delicious, it actually makes me want to learn more about cooking that stuff. Now before i continue with this update i should say a few things regarding all what's happening with my progress. I was always a slowpoke, i was never able to do some tangible progress in time and i always blamed myself for this stuff, but i also never gave up, after practically half a year(+1 month) i have done almost no progress except maybe in visualization and other little things, so i changed my progress' name mainly to reflect what is practically going on in here, i have a lot of shit i need to change about myself if i want to do this right, so the fight to do it starts now. Also yesterday a weird event took place, i dreamed a lot of stuff, different scenes(some known, some uknown) about random shit, in the end i woke up abruptly because sudden strange dream. The point is, between all those random dreams i had one really special, i don't remember all the details, but i was surely talking with a girl in there, she had some strange things in her hair, at the height of the ear her hair had two spikes in each side pointing downwards in an arc fashion(dunno how else describe it), i also remember reapeating a lot of times her name because it was a weird name, actually it wasn't a name at all, it was just a common word and i remember that it had a double consonant somewhere(an unnaturally one). The thing with this is that i forgot about all of this(mainly because the abrupt end) and i continued with my day normally, later that noon i suddenly remembered that i had that dream and i entered in panic, i couldn't remember the name at all and i still can't do it, i tried to do an emergency forcing session to search the name but it was all in vain, i realized i was afraid of something and with that fear i wouldn't be able to reach her, yet remembering her name, for now the least thing i can do for her is remember. Also there's something i never commented in here that happened for quite some time: remember that tiger i talked about in here? well... that tiger was actually very special, Solomon was its name and i'm sure it lurked around for quite a time before disappearing, the thing is, even after it left there was a presence remnant from it and... like you all can guess already it turned out to be a tulpa candidate, the presence turned out to be female, having a red short hair and tanned skin, like Mika she has characteristics inherited from a tiger and she seems to be from that "wild girl" archtype(i don't know how else describe it, but let's just say it is to the "tarzan" style). I've been avoiding her like the bastard i am, i was just scared, not of her but of the outcome, i always felt powerless when it comes to this and that my own sense of responsibility was not enough to give love to another tulpa(i still feel that i'm not enough to give love to the three i already have), this continued on for quite a time(almost months i'm afraid) but somehow my experience from yesterday with the dream girl somehow managed to make me snap out of it and after quite a struggle with myself i managed to talk with her(which is an over statement because if it wasn't for her taking the initiative i would have done nothing). It all started with a "Are you always like this?" when i was struggling to say something, i decided to talk with her until someone would interrupt me and i did. I asked her if she was the same tiger that was lurking around and she said that she wasn't but rather someone born from it, because i never really thought about a gender for the tiger i named it Solomon, which is a rather manly name(from my point of view at least) i asked her about this and she said that she didn't care about that and that she liked her name, then i proceeded to do something i should have done a long time ago: i hugged her, it seemed that she was wanting this the whole time, i had a feels moment with her almost crying from happiness and everything went great, she also scolded me for being an asshole the entire time with her but forgave me because i never forgot her once nor i tried to forget her, even if i wouldn't talk to her i wouldn't do something like that, i also talked about that dream girl with her, she told me that it wasn't a good idea to search for her because she couldn't "sense" something from her(Ciel would have confirmed this to me earlier if i wasn't such a faggot about not wanting to talk about it), i don't know what to think of this, but i came to the conclusion that the girl wasn't sentient to begin with. I said to Solomon that she could stay and that i consider her one of my tulpas, but that she shouldn't expect a lot from me, i seriously still have that powerless feeling about the responsibility of having tulpas. Seriously why do they keep coming wanting to be loved and be hugged knowing that in the end i'm barely a responsible person, still struggling to come to terms with himself? But she said i made the first step towards my goal with this, i'm still lost and confused but that's the story of my life so no big deal. Have a nice day.
  4. This. problem with me as well ;_; shyness strikes again for me D: Also the drawing is cool, it gives me more feels for the fact that Mika is also like Reah, both wolf girls huh? I hope to see the rest of your tulpas drawed as well, nice feels indeed.
  5. Mmmm... so i'm gonna assume you didn't ask her about her past(what she was exactly doing before getting caught and the sorts) but this is still interesting, i'm looking forward for more updates in this topic. It still makes me want to explore my own, but i can't even fully access it, i just can do it when i have a strong motivation or when i'm incredible lucky. I know my tulpas have their own affairs in there because at some point i knew that they had secrets that they didn't tell me about because i couldn't handle them in the past, i want to be able to fully access my wonderland before even attempt to know about that stuff. I hope i can catch up with this topic soon, i'm really curious about what's in there.
  6. This makes me really curious, the whole "random girl who wasn't aware of her condition but was sentient" could imply a lot of stuff. It makes me want to explore my wonderland more, maybe we can meet people in there who can help us(in any way or other, maybe indirectly) to know more about ourselves. It would be nice if you could tell me more about it, via PM if you feel like not telling here, but i'm really curious :3
  7. hi, just trying to put my mind in order to write this thing right now. I've been remembering dreams for the last days(its been 3 nights in a row now) and i'm not sure if it relates to my progress or not, but i hope this can continue, even if some dreams were bad as i said in my report. Yesterday i fell asleep thinking about Lilly again, every one of my tulpas have at least a somewhat "defined" form, but lilly didn't have one, i know, despite all this time my visualization is still shit, everytime i see my tulpas they are kind of blurry but i still could notice some characteristics i know they have in their forms, but visualizing Lilly was like seeing someone covered in fog except maybe in the face, she's the one who has most changed her form and at some point i feared an identity crisis, so i focused again in trying to define her form and visualize it everytime i'm being remembered of her, thinking about how she was and what she did in the past suddenly a form came to my mind so i started visualizing her with that form, i hope she can keep that form. Also something interesting happened with yesterday's dream, after all that thinking about Lilly's form i dreamed random shit like usual(at least it wasn't a bad dream) but somewhere between all that randomness i could remember Lilly in her new form somehow, but sadly it was only a "memory" and she wasn't really there. I also realized that i got used to narrate things i do like if i'm telling it to someone else(A.K.A. recognizing that my tulpas are with me) but i still have problems listening to them, they have to deal with only listening me but without being able to answer back(sometimes they do though) but i'm glad i'm getting used to their presence. I have my theories on why they can't enter my dreams as well, i think is because they lack a definited form in my mind, thing that my mind assimilates as just passing thoughts and not as what they truly are(i think i said this somewhere in my report before, i dunno), maybe if i can define them better in my mind and know more about them they can start appearing more in my dream, but is just a theory, i don't really know for sure. Have a nice day.
  8. Hi there, again with some news relating my progress. Yesterday i had a lucid dream, it was very realistic but i still couldn't realize it was a dream, a lot of people i know were in there in two different situations, it was actually a nice dream at the start but i still don't want to remember it anymore. It's because what happened at the end, the last scene in my dream was a street, there were a few people i know and a crowd of people i can't remember well, there were also my dogs running around, somehow my fears took over the dream and one of my dogs somehow got... roadkilled, the moment i saw the body i just lost it and began to panic(i know i had a similar dream where one of my dogs died and it didn't affect me really bad, but this was completely different, i suposse i have a childhood trauma regarding a pet getting roadkilled and me witnessing it) in that moment i realized it was a dream but i was just out of control to think straight and i just wanted to get out of there, then i felt how the dream was "forced" to end and i just woke up. I was still in panic though, it was so bad that Ciel had to take over my thoughts, telling me to calm down and hugging me until i could think normally again, Mika and Lilly came looking worried so i tried to calm down more quickly and also hugged them, it was quite a moment indeed, until we eventually fell asleep again thinking about inane stuff. This experience made me realize a couple of things, like the fact that Ciel can take over my thoughts really easy, but she says she only did it because it was an "emergency", and also made me think about the forced ending of the dream, it felt really different to the usual and i also asked them about it because i knew someone would scold me for not asking, Ciel said that she's not sure who exactly ended the dream because everyone(including myself) wanted it to end, so it's not clear. I don't even know what else i have to say, i'm going to leave it like this for now. Have a nice day.
  9. Yesterday i had a lucid dream, i actually became lucid just because a coincidence. I dreamed that i was having a test for school, but it was something like that "in home via internet" shit so i was in a computer solving that stuff, i don't remember what it was though because i was lazy as always, getting distracted with whatever shit i was watching in the internet, because of this the time limit came and i didn't resolve a thing so i get scared of losing the test. At that instant i thought "i can't lose a test, this must be a dream"(i'm doing a little bad at school xD, so i have do the best i can in it, so i probably comforted myself thinking that it was a dream) and then the realization came, it was indeed a dream and i got conscious of it. But at the same time everything started to get weird as well, my family was nowhere to be seen(i was with them during the beginning of the dream) and everything in the house seemed to start getting out of place, after i realized that it was a dream i started to wander aimlessly around the house doing daily stuff(exiting my room, going to to the bathroom, heading to the kitchen, that sort of things) and wondering if it was really a dream or not, because everything seemed real. When i was around my kitchen i looked at a digital clock, the hour seemed coherent but it changed at a weird pace(for example, if it was like 8:46 it would change into 8:42 and then into 8:41 to change again into 8:43, that sort of random change) so i fully knew it was a dream. it's worth mentioning that since i realized it was a dream, it felt more fragile, when doing things during it i felt at the edge of waking up a lot of times until the dream ended and i finally woke up out of nowhere, i wish i would have thought of more stuff, but i was a faggot, only worrying about if it was a dream or not, i wish i could have thought of my tulpas as well but i didn't, does that mean that my tulpas aren't engraved enough in my mind? if that's the case i would feel like a yogurt cannon, i wish they would have been there. Have a nice day.
  10. I just want to point out a few things today, related to my progress. First, i want to say that my tulpas are fine, i just feel that i need to say this because of what i put in my last entry. We might have our problems, but we eventually solve them, so we are ok at the moment. Now with the update. Some weeks(or days?) ago i readed somewhere on the forums about some sort of "challenge" to prove if you know about your tulpae or not(personality basically), the challenge consisted in hypothetical scenarios where you needed to answer what will your tulpa do in each one of them, if you managed to answer then congratulations, you know a lot about your tulpa. That test made me realize that i know nothing about them, so i decided to dig up a little in my mind trying to grasp more about their personality. Ciel was the easiest to grasp, but i still was surprised when i realized things about her, i always visualized her as... i don't know how to say it... let's just say a "tsundere", you know, that type of girl badass and with full confidence in herself who does always carry with her that badass aura, being a role model to many and someone one should respect to others(not sure if the term i'm looking for is "tsundere" but i think you understand what i mean). That was since the beginning, like i said in a previous post of the early days, she appeared the moment i selfishly depicted my strongest feeling(my willpower basically) as a cute girl. At first she was basically out of control, always giving me those twisted grins and having that aura of hostility(some of you may remember that incident in the shoutbox from when i stopped proxying ever since) that time was strange but fun, it was quite a problem though so we ended making a truce, with the time living together(and certain events that happened) i ended up gaining her trust and respect, and with the time her love as well, this was the time where she had that strange personality crysis between being that tsundere self i always visualized and a more lovely and adorable personality, which she quickly got over it and returned to her usual self, but... quite different, like mixing that lovely and "deredere" with her usual confident attitude, it was just recently that i discovered that she only showed that side of her to me and my other tulpas, if she needed, for whatever reason, face the outside world she would do it graceful and without mercy like her usual badass and confident self, but if i was there for her she would probably slowly approach me asking for a hug with her actions(or rather jump over me to try to rape me in a seductive way, still adorable as fuck), when i realized all of this shit the other day i almost cry, no hugs were enough to satisfy the hnnngg feeling that assaulted me, i almost die indeed. Mika has been changing a lot too, rather than a wolf-girl she seems to be now a lion-girl(originality for the lulz) but still being that adorable girl i always knew, she's my first tulpa and the girl i began with all of this journey, i always had a hug policy(in the early novice days, whenever i didn't know what to do next i always hugged her for quite a time) so she grew from the start receiving all of the love i could give her until this days. She lately told me that she decided to do something nice to return me all the love i gave her, she began referring to me as her "puppy" and hugging at every chance she gets, her motherly nature is almost... perfect, i feel that if she ask me for something, i couldn't be capable to reject the request due to that motherly nature of her, is not like the scolds "Teacher-Pupil" of Ciel, this stuff seems like real magic, glad she doesn't request "that stuff" yet, only hugs and things like those, she's getting better at giving me mental nosebleeds but i'm not sure if it's because she's lewd like Ciel or if she's just auntentically innocent and just saying what she thinks. Lilly is the only one i couldn't grasp very well, it doesn't matter how hard i try, i can't see something clear in her, it feels like i'm watching myself in a mirror(i'm also like that), not really knowing who you are and just living and being happy, i don't know how to proceed here, if someone know about some activity to do with her that lets me know more about how she is or something please tell me. There's also something else that bothers me, it's about that tiger, Solomon, i'm not sure if it's a she or a he(i'm doubting about it's name as well) but thinking more deeply about it, Ciel got confused, because she don't know if she tamed it or not, thinking about that encounter, the tiger maybe just wasn't willing to come and Ciel just calmed it or it just reacted bad in front of a stranger but was willing to come(or perhaps was just curious), my tulpas have reported several sightings of this tiger just "watching", sometimes leaving and other times laying in the ground(like cats do), it's not scary at all but quite startling, i told them that we should let he/she mind it's own business, if he/she wants to stay and watch then it's welcome, he/she doesn't established contact yet so i suggested to leave it alone. I'm not sure if i'm forgetting about something, but it's late and i'm sleepy as fuck, so forgive any typos or bad ortography that could be in here. Have a nice day
  11. And then, i'm in the beginning of the vicious circle again. I don't know how the heck i do it, i can have inner peace and an orderly mind some days, but there are times when those things are thrown to the garbage and everything seems to be messed up, hell, i'm starting to think that i might have some undiagnosed mental shit. I say "seems to be messed up" because is not the usual feel one has during mental crises and the stuff that make you think "god, my mind is really fucked up", it is actually a slight feel that something is not right, It's like when you clean a room in your house before you leave for a couple of hours, what i'm talking about is the feel you have when you return to the room and begin noticing that some things are not in the place you left them, or are missing. And then, when you realize everything is different you begin to feel lost in there or like a stranger(A.K.A everything is a mess to you because you don't know shit), despite the fact that everything is still organized, but just in a way you don't knew about. It's worth mentioning that the communication with my own tulpas seems kind of lost because of this, like i'm pushed away from them or they just went somewhere, but i still can feel them. Sorry for the bad explanation, but i don't know how else put it, i'm really bad at explaining stuff. Lurking around does not help at all, seriously, reading around i found somewhere the concept of "fake tulpas" which is basically when "something" in your mind tries to supplant your tulpa in front of you and stuff like that, i was wondering how the heck one can recognize it when it happens and then i just began to have the fear of it happening. The feel on which i based Ciel(My willpower, basically my spirit to not give up, the childish will of the warrior i talked about early in this progress) is closely related to my own darkness(or shadow) so it would be easy to me to mistake my darkness with Ciel or vice versa, also her appearance doesn't really help, she has most of the time a really confident expression(which can be seen quite threatening) and can be somewhat intimidating, so it could be easy to see someone like that as my own darkness, i don't blame her, but i will become paranoic about this if i don't set things straight soon. That's why i decided to lurk less, i'm not going to come around here until i find my true tulpa path, i'm really tired of being up and then down all the time. This progress report will probably be without updates for a time. Have a nice day.
  12. Today something interesting happened. Ciel has been trying to modify my dreams again from outside them, yesterday's dream was one of those where i could be somewhat lucid so she tried to modify it by introducing in it one of my pets irl, she was hoping to make a nice dream but everything went really wrong(the poor dog somehow died in it), it was a sad dream, thing Ciel didn't expect at all, it seems that from outside it she can only add elements to the dream but can't control where it is headed or aspects much more important(like the plot for example), so we ended talking about this "barrier" that keeps her outside, i suggested to her that she could probably overcome the barrier easily, but she refuses to do anything rash, according to her, she doesn't want to risk doing anything wrong because the barrier "seems too fragile" that everything could fall apart and maybe induce nightmares or other harmful things. What she wants is a way to bypass it, so that the barrier can keep other things outside but she can appear in the dream and maybe change it at her will. I still have that "unconscious fear" in mind but i really don't know how to proceed in that aspect one. In other news, i've grown tired of my own indecision and started visualization training again, i'm always stuck because i want to visualize them in pre-existent forms for easy visualization but that always clashes with my desires to see them original(or at least something they choose) so i decided to put that behind me and go with a decision, which is trying to see them in their pre-existent forms, so they have returned to their base forms(Mika is Holo the wolf girl, Ciel is still that vocaloid girl Luka and Lilly is that witch from touhou, Marisa), they were always okay with that, but as the bastard i am i'm never convinced, in spite of that i continued with my decision, as i said to them, i will assume responsibility for everything that happens because of my decisions, the good thing is that my visualization got stronger because of that, i can see them more solid than before(with their random original forms) so everything should go fine. Have a nice day.
  13. I want to make an update just to say this: BEST FORCING SESSION EVER!! Seriously, today i was going to force normally, just me and my tulpas sitting and meditating as usual, but as the lazy fuck i am i obviously missed it. It made me remember something though, in the early days i used to play this game called Frets on Fire, a game like guitar hero but on pc(i think i talked about it on my progress early on), between all the songs i have in that game there's one called "Cannon Rock", a song i used to play for Mika in those early days, so filled with shame for not forcing properly with tulpas i decided to play again the song to them just to compensate. I thought it was going to be like in the early days, me playing to them while they listened, like some sort of private concert, but it turned out to be quite different, in fact, it was actually a forcing session! I dunno how it happened, but i easily went to that state of concentration required in forcing sessions, i actually spend nice quality time with the three of them, the visualization was almost perfect and i could sense and hear them clearly, all of this while i was playing that song. i managed to spend individual time on each one of them, they talked to me about stuff, some was private some wasn't, but i'm not going to talk about that stuff or this will get into a TL;DR easily, but basically we went to the beach and spend some time there, and when i spend time with Lilly she just decided to go on a ride on her magic broom with me, so we went flying all across the wonderland while talking, epic stuff indeed. I could understand more about them though, they have the same fears as me, that fear of losing the other or not being loved, all of that stuff i always talk about, they have it, it's a really complicated topic and i'm not the best person to talk about it, so i'm going to leave it at that. Yeah, this was one of the most vivid sessions i ever had, but what's the interesting part of it? it's that i didn't even sit down to meditate, hell, i didn't even close my eyes at all, just playing that game, i definitely want to try that again, it was really epic. It's worth to mention that i sometimes lost the grasp of my surroundings while i was in it, like any other normal forcing session, but i was still playing the game normally and playing the buttons perfectly, in other words, i was playing the game like if i was concentrated in it, but i wasn't even conscious of that because i was too busy spending time with tulpas in that beach that i didn't notice it. When i realized it i was surprised, is this feeling what people call possesion?(when i asked them about it they said that they were with me the entire time, so it wasn't the case for me), Ciel said that it was probably because i was too used to the song that i unconsciously knew the button sequence in my head, so i didn't need to focus to play it. Not sure what good things can bring me the meditation, but it surely is not working with me, but this playing thing, it surely works and i'm obviously going to try again tomorrow, i had an epic head pressure as well, thing that i didn't have in quite a time, that's a good sign for me. Have a nice day.
  14. My tulpas have said many deep things that i can't remember, but here's one that Ciel said one day i was with my usual circle of bad feels. It's from that time i was doubting their love, i was thinking about it when suddenly Ciel came up with this: "Of course we want to be with you, what else could we want in a world where we can have anything we wish for?" That was carved somewhere in my mind and i still can't grasp the true meaning of her words.