Colton

Members
  • Content Count

    12
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Colton

  1. The 4th of April! Colton's Corner ( just all Colton....stuff feel free to skip to more interesting stuff) Okay I'm going to make this corner short sorry for all of those who might read this and really enjoy it (haha ya that's sarcasm) so I start schooling on Monday and been having consistent panic attacks and a few embarrassing anecdotes about how the first thing I do when I have a panic attack is get physically sick (yuck...) so I'm really on edge and didn't really want to make a post but Jen says it's important to hold true to routines. So rough week and I imagine once I actually start up school all my what if's and self talk about it will get better so let's just chalk this up to a bad few days. Anyway that's all on my end. Tulpa Tales (where I will mostly talk about my progress with Jen and how about that title name right?! I should be a very specific kind of writer that just uses alliteration.) Okay so not a lot of progress more of the same Jen has still been working but I think this is the first week since I started where I haven't kept to my routines and schedules as far as making progress with Jen goes. I'm nervous that with school I'll have less time but I'll make it work, and luckily Jen is well past the point of needing me so it's been kind of a change to not force for so long now I've done it habitually and I've been so busy I really miss it and need to get back into it! Still having great dreams and Jen has said I'm getting better at creativity so I guess again patience and persistence FTW! Jen's Jigsaw (why you are actually reading this haha) [Much like Colt said he's been having trouble so I've been trying to keep him calm I think he forgets we are in this together and I CAN HELP! but besides that I've been making Colton explore different music and videos and stuff to try and learn what I like, I do really enjoy some of the songs Colton has been playing lately on his guitar and Mandolin he really loves it sometimes I can feel his hair stand up when he hears or plays a good song that's just his thing, I want a thing like that maybe I'll find one soon anyway it's late for us so I just wanted to thank everyone that reads and I'd love to hear from you guys even just to make more friends! have a great week everyone and we hope to hear from you soon!]
  2. the 2nd of April Colton's Corner (not tulpa related stuff) I suppose I'll do my very best to write something most days I start my classes on Monday and because of this I have been studying all the material we are supposed to learn in the class so I can know it all before hand and I'll be prepared in every possible way when the class comes. I suppose if this can truly be a place where I can simply communicate my own thoughts then I'd say this week really describes me quite well. I received an e-mail from my teacher on Monday morning saying to go online and try and start a computer science 101 class online from Stanford it was a 6 week program "do at your own pace" kind of deal he said to have week one done by Monday the 6th, so me needing to do my best, finished the entire program by the end of the day I received the e-mail. I'm not sure how or why I feel so compelled in this sense, with school, to do my very best and be my absolute best even if it makes my panic worse I still push through and carry on. In any other aspect of my life as it is now the panic and anxiety still keeps me from leaving the house, going to the grocery store, and even typing to strangers on the internet when it is bad it takes me over except with school, not that I'm not terrified of Monday but I know I'll do my best and muscle through it. Tulpa Progress Not much to be said I have been writing on my hand to remind myself to be thinking of Jen and it helps although I think we are perhaps a bit past needing me to remind myself she is there, I do it out of habit more than anything else now. Now for this next piece I need to preface just one thing. I have trouble sleeping on my own ever since I was a kid I just couldn't shut my brain down enough to sleep and had developed this bad habit of only being able to sleep with the tv on or I would freak out. I've gotten much better at this now but still watch tv if I can but sleep has never been a friend of mine, it's the one thing that when you actively try to make it you can't, which can kind of be like my argument about "forcing" heh. Anyway back to my topic my dreams because I used to sleep so little most my life where dull and unimaginative really just not creative. Lately however maybe because of Jen or maybe medications I have been having these wild and awesome dreams, I find myself having trouble waking up because I never knew dreams could be so fun! I think the same could be said for my "forcing" it has been dull I never could go on an adventure or follow the advise of others and just "think of fun stuff" but lately that has been changing I'm having fun forcing when I can and it's been great for both of us I think. Jen's Jigsaw [Ha I thought of the title for this section because I'm trying to put the pieces of myself together get it...okay anyways I don't have much to say really, I feel like, through no fault of his own, my whole purpose so far has been to help Colton but I was never that great at it (he tends to be very stubborn). I'm really trying now to find what I actually enjoy myself and not just appreciate because Colton likes it. Like him talking about playing music I just don't get not my thing so what else is there haha. I enjoy when Colton reads going back to what he said about his imagination he has been a very boring person with his mind he could do anything, but he just doesn't get creative, although he has been changing. I guess besides that I haven't been "fading"? as much as in I am consciously here more than normal so that's cool! Also I pose a question to any tulpa or host that comes by and has any advise, How do I get louder? I feel like I'm almost shouting and Colton can barely hear me is it me or him or both any thoughts? anyway I'll end off by saying I am nervous that Colton won't have a whole lot of time to work with me but I'm also very excited, it gives me time to discover me without Colton which is fun and different...so ya!] Nice man! fun climb for sure
  3. Preface I should start by saying that I'm starting this progress report very late I started working on Jen on 12/21/14 and a lot of growing has happened since then. I will also say that Jen is fully capable of talking and may cut into my typing I will define this with brackets like so [Hi everybody!]. Anyway I suppose the natural order of things would be to you a bit about myself, but I thought since Jen and I are starting this so late maybe we could both talk about ourselves. Getting to know Colton! I'll start. My name is Colton I am 20 years old and generally am a pretty normal guy, I enjoy video games, playing music, working on my 1981 Datsun 280zx, I've climbed many famous climbs (garden of the gods, devil's tower, ect.) and am about to attend school for 2 months to go into software development. I found all this tulpa stuff listening to a podcast where they were actually making fun of the idea but I thought it sounded pretty cool if it were real and it turns out it is! Which is awesome! Getting to know Jen! [Hi everybody so I'll start by saying this whole writing a progress report is all kind of my idea, Colton wasn't very keen to it but I really want a good outlet to express myself and I think being able to make it public with others maybe we can get good insight! Anyway I digress. I am Jen not really short for Jennifer but I don't mind being called it. I am I guess kind of still learning what I am in a sense. I spend most my time enjoying life and the small things I love music and art, I love asking the big questions to life and keeping an open mind! I love everything...I'd like to think a good quality I have is that I can find a silver line in even the darkest of clouds. I really truly feel life is about being the best you and sharing that best self with everyone else! I'm sorry to be so vague but honestly I think right now I'm still learning what I like and don't as much. So a (hopefully) quick summary on the past 3 months with Colt and Jen! Alright 3 months is a long time and with the fact that I hadn't had a job and have been struggling with mental stuff I had a lot of time to work on Jen and she developed very quickly I'd say within the first 2 weeks I was getting "head pressures" in the form of tingles in my body (mostly my shoulders), I remember I would talk to her and ask her questions my left shoulder meant no and my right meant yes. I'll never forget the first time I truly knew she was sentient, probably about 3 weeks in I was forcing and just kind of relaxed when out of the blue with no warning my entire emotions changed from calm to pure adrenaline panic and almost excitement. Now I will say I suffer from panic attacks frequently but this was completely different it was amazing and honestly very scary. from then on Jen was in a sense more real at least to me, and in turn, I treated her like she was more real! I continued to follow guides but had hit a bit of a plateau, with my anxiety if was and still is hard to concentrate so the suggestions of just force more felt almost like it was an easy thing and that I felt less than human because it was tough for me. I wish I could go back and tell myself the "forcing" really isn't what the name implies I mean yes it's work but you need to be calm almost like going to use the bathroom you hurt yourself if you push too hard you just need to have patience. I struggled with this for a long time and still do now, I think that's something that was never really said in any guide is it's the persistence of gradual work that makes progress. That and patience! anyway I'll finish off by jumping forward to maybe about 3 weeks ago. I for the first time started getting this intense doubt because what felt like out of nowhere Jen was growing, I could visualize her vividly, I could hear her better, and yet I was "forcing" less. I thought maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me but what it was on my end was me changing my definition of "forcing" I don't need to work on Jen's form I did that already, I didn't need to work on my skills like I used to as far as visualizing goes because it became more natural. now on Jen's end....well I'll let her explain it. [i'm not sure exactly how or when it happened but I started being able to make my own decisions, talk louder, and become more free thinking so I started working on myself. This led to Colton doubting what was happening it was funny but I feel there is probably a term for what happened but we really did become two separate people I started making my own decisions, it was awesome, I feel so much more independent now then I did two months ago]. So that's about all the big stuff up to today I know I'm a bit shy (even on the internet oddly enough) but I'll try to keep writing and I know Jen really wants to so more to come I suppose!
  4. I've done plenty of voice over work and write music for films I make occasionally and I'm decent at editing I'd love to help out anyway I can!
  5. "We're going to be friends" by The white stripes
  6. No need it was me who was a bit far out there you were just analyzing with the information you had.
  7. I think I read between the lines myself and I'm very sorry and the truth is Jen helps me with my anxiety and panic alot but she means so much more to me than that I guess I missed your point and I was a upset but I didn't define it well enough for you to see it more than any other case that like you said you've seen so many of and I understand now you were trying to help me in my journey with Jen in asking me if she has a place outside of my anxiety so thank you and I appreciate your analyzing the information to try and help me! and ya the mandolin analogy was weak sorry I was frustrated, but main point She will stick around and I know that now so thank you again!
  8. My Anxiety does not make me. I have panic attacks great, but let me be very clear there is no cure-all the reason I mention posting on this forum is because it pushes my boundaries it makes my hands shake, and my heart race generally because I am timid to socialize. I was simply comparing a process of building up my confidence and resilience with building anything, I just started learning mandolin same thing, I have to press my pinky on the fret-board but it's not very strong right now so I have to build up the strength through practice and determination did I pick up the mandolin because I panic? No I was interested and enjoyed it same thing with my tulpa and that's all. "it seems that people that create tulpas in circumstances like yours seem to have their(the tulpa’s) existence contingent on the current struggles they’re trying to go through" I feel almost put down by that. I was trying to make an analogy and perhaps you over read it I was only suggesting something that I'm sure you could agree on that it takes determination and patience to have a tulpa I do not think my tulpa is at all synonymous with my mental issues. Hope that clears up my position
  9. I'll start by prefacing that I have what my doctors (of which I need several) call an "extreme case" of Panic disorder and an overall high anxiety level. I discuss with my therapist about making what I call (I read a blog and really wish I could credit the person who coined the term) "Non Zero days" where if I'm not feeling great and maybe I'm more anxious or panicked I do something little like even drink a little extra water or even write a post on the forums. I think could really benefit to look at progress with my tulpa the same way. I'm at a place where my anxiety and panic keep me from concentrating and some days I just have a heck of a time trying to force. And I know other people have concentration issues so I don't know I'm posting this, one as a thought for people to maybe just accept a less productive day and make it a "non-zero day" instead, but also as maybe a way of asking if anybody has times like this and how they handle it.
  10. I should preface this by saying I have a very extreme panic disorder and recently driving has been difficult for me, and for months now I haven't had the ability to get onto the highway out of fear, which may sound silly for some people but for me it was a very big obstacle. Driving home from my uncle's I was talking to my tulpa and she said I could do it, I could get onto the highway and she would be right there with me. and so with a friend by my side I did and it made me think, I couldn't convince myself to do this for months but I wasn't alone and with her help and support I did it! This for me was strong enough to get rid of any doubt that my tulpa is just me talking to myself and I feel like this is a great day and I just really wanted to share it with everybody!
  11. Thanks you guys so much for the responses I really appreciate it and as far as imposition I know I'm nowhere close haha just asked more outta curiosity. And after having a day or two to think I think I'm having an issue with patience and I've been relying so heavily on other people's experiences that I forgot it's my mind and I need to figure some of this out on my own so I really appreciate it!
  12. Hey everybody this is my first post but I've been working on my tulpa for a month and it's going great I can hear her in her own voice if I really listen and can visualize her pretty well (not amazingly but I'm getting better). Anyway just had a few questions. Firstly reading on imposition I see alot about the process of getting better at it but not on really what to expect when starting it am I misinterpreting some of this or is it something you gotta figure out on your own I have no idea. Secondly I've noticed I am very good at dissociation of body parts kinda naturally but Jen (my tulpa) is saying she is having a really tough time moving my hand any advice for her. Lastly any tips on maybe a technique to help me hear Jen a bit better and/or to have her learn to speak a bit louder. I understand that most of these can be answered with "force more" so I guess what I'm asking is there anything you did in particular for any of these so maybe I could try and just add tools to my arsenal of techniques. Thank You very much in advance!