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    Tulpa: Amanda-Hitamashii

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  1. Hm... Here's what I got. Openness to Experience/Intellect High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative. You typically don't seek out new experiences. (Your percentile: 41) The other person is somewhat conventional. (Their percentile: 24) Conscientiousness High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent. You tend to do things somewhat haphazardly. (Your percentile: 30) The other person probably has a messy desk! (Their percentile: 17) Extraversion High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet. You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone. (Your percentile: 9) The other person is extremely outgoing, social, and energetic. (Their percentile: 91) Agreeableness High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous. You tend to consider the feelings of others. (Your percentile: 74) The other person finds it easy to express irritation with others. (Their percentile: 32) Neuroticism High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy. You are a generally anxious person and tend to worry about things. (Your percentile: 84) The other person probably remains calm, even in tense situations. (Their percentile: 5) I thought I was pretty welcoming of new experiences, but I suppose being kind of a shut-in makes that difficult. X) Regardless, Hita and I mostly agree with the results. Hita also expresses her (joking) concern over the fact that we largely ended up as the opposite of the current majority, with her being the brash and confident one versus me being the perpetually-anxious and diplomatic one. :P
  2. Been quite some time. There hasn't been much to say, that's my excuse. But, lastnight, I had a very boring "real life" dream where I was going to drive home from college, and Hita wanted to sit on my lap on the way back. Unfortunately, even in the dream, she was as she is now: simply knowledge. Knowing she's there, but in reality, seeing nothing. :( I was hoping that dream-appearances would give her a form. I wonder if I've gotten too used to thinking of her as a "ghost" of sorts. Outside of Tulpa stuff, I've finally gotten on antidepressants... They help a little bit during times of "peace", but as soon as anything goes wrong or just becomes a little difficult, the effects wane and I again have to struggle to keep from shutting down. The dosage has been increased twice now, and though I'm doing alright so far after one night of this new highest dosage, I'm admittedly rather apprehensive about whether or not it will persist. Unfortunately, just as with Tulpas, I have the feeling that the unbidden assumption that it isn't working (or, rather, that I'm building an immunity or something) is a big reason for its lack of effectiveness. I'm trying to take other measures to fight off the depression, largely based around exercising happiness. I just have to take as many steps as I can towards that whenever I have the drive and willpower to do so. Hita's still trying very hard to help me through it, herself, but generic "you're doing great"s and "keep at it"s can only go so far, I'm afraid. I don't think she's quite developed enough to manage big inspiring speeches... Or, it could just be that I'M the problem, not listening to her well enough or taking her words to heart.
  3. Another day, another concern. :P The multi-Hita problem hasn't been terribly prominent lately, but that's largely because I've been in a bit of a down state that has gotten in the way of my drive to visualize her or acknowledge her position. So, can't give news on whether or not the clock thing will work, yet. Now, what makes me concerned, and this is something that's been happening for a while... If I hear Hita say something, but can't make it out the first time, and ask her to repeat it, she'll often have forgotten what she'd said. Basically like how the mind normally functions, where you have some fleeting thought that you can't recall even though it just came to you a split second ago. Have others experienced this with their Tulpas?
  4. She (guessing from your progress report, correct me if I'm wrong) looks neat! Do you have any trouble visualizing with such a unique form? That is one intimidating Tulpa. o_o Neat appearance! Your progress report says that he and your wonderland appear in greyscale; do you think your wonderland will ever get some color, and if so, do you think Apple will get color with it? Anyway, here's Hitamashii: I'm not much of an artist, so forgive the shoddiness. X) Hita's a four-foot-long shapeshifting metal dragon-thing, originally, before her transition into being a Tulpa. She's kept most of her original traits, though the wings were changed from what they used to be. The pictured wings are what they are now. I didn't color the pictures, but she's basically a deep red with silver "highlights" along her body (mostly the diamond shapes everywhere), and the insides of her wings are a much deeper ruby-esque red that brightens up when she spreads the wings out, to account for the lower density of "material" there. To my relief, she's kept most of her original traits outside of the wings, though she did adopt a new first name of "Amanda" and moved "Hitamashii" to middle-name or nick-name status. Lets me call her Hita anyway, though. X) "For now", she says. Sorry if that's way more detail than I'm supposed to be posting in this thread. ;-;
  5. Just got back from a visit to "Transworld", a special-effects/Halloween convention. Lots of neat stuff there, and Hita seemed to enjoy herself, as well. Lately, when playing games with any kind of "pet" class, Hita drives me to use that class and make the pet into her. :P It's kinda fun, actually, and kinda makes me feel a bit more connected. She'll chide me if I allow the pet to go down, leave it behind, or whatever else of that kind, but refuses to take responsibility when the inevitable boneheaded AI that exists in all games gets in the way. ;) I drew the previously-mentioned picture before leaving, and a new one on the way there. The new one was looking alright until I added the diamonds on her underbelly. :( It was also drawn in the car, so it's a bit more rough. Anyway, I figured out how to get my scanner working again, so here they are. Again, I'm not an artist. X) The wings changed again a little bit since the picture I put in the original post. We'd been finding that her wing movements were a bit awkward when she was using them as arms, due to the lack of an elbow, so we made that little dip in her wings to make things look a little more natural when she was moving. EDIT: Resized the images, they were a bit big.
  6. Thank you very much for the comments. They make me feel a lot less-... Inadequate. X) Other people (outside of these message boards) have just made me feel weak about the stress in that class. Hardly related to any of anything, but I just started heating up some green chili, earlier. After the first period of microwaving, it was rather close to the edges of the bowl, so I determined that I'd have to eat a little of it before it was fully heated to make sure it wouldn't spill over. Hita expressed concern that it'd be too cold. So, I took a bite, she asked if it was indeed cold, and I told her "it is a bit chilly". She responded with "har, har, har," and it took me a bit before I realized the unintentional pun. So, that's reassuring, she's able to process that I made a joke before I am. X) I've not had much luck thus far with the clock thing, but the sporadic personality does make sense as an explanation. Yesterday, she ended up waiting in the car passenger seat as I was walking out to the car, and then she warped out just to hop back in because she wanted to have that movement.
  7. I'm nowhere near an expert with Tulpa stuff, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but could it be that she's afraid of the dark, and that fear is "bleeding" through to you? My Tulpa is/used to be afraid of the dark, and would panic a little bit from time to time. I don't recall it ever causing much of an emotional response for myself, though.
  8. Boredom led to drawing a side view of Hitamashii, a few minutes ago. I have no way to scan/upload it right now, unfortunately, but it's been drawn. X) I'm no artist, so it's still shoddy and rough, but I was surprised at how easy it was to get the proportions (mostly) right, and it's given a quick boost to visualization of Hita herself. If I can find the time, I might try to draw her more regularly, as it seems rather helpful. While drawing, she sat beside me and watched. I didn't think to actually use her as the model for the drawing, but that would probably be a good idea, if my visualization is good enough.
  9. Toolbox

    Please.

    Good choice. Communities revolving around anything "outside the norm" is likely to be a haven for people who have experienced the feeling of being shunned by the ignorant society-at-large. An "odd" person is more likely to understand someone else's struggles than a "normal" person, in most cases. I've not had problems with people bullying me (perhaps due to my large size, which I'm grateful for), but I still frequently go through that feeling of being a drain on society. And unfortunately, it's a feeling that isn't easily shaken. One of the biggest things that keep me going is the insignificance of it; even the most influential human in the world is nothing more than a ripple in the grand scheme of things, so whether I'm an asset or a liability is of little importance. It's my life to live, and I'm going to live it wherever it takes me. According to some, you only get the one life. I can rest and relax after it's over.
  10. Neat scale. I'd put Hita at a 3.5B. XD Certainly in favor of the addition of the letter grade.
  11. The welding breakdown was basically just me failing repeatedly to get a weld right, for three straight hours. Which I did again last night, though my welding helmet also failed near the end, resulting in blinding me for a while. Which was then met with accusations of intentionally trying to fail my welding courses. Have not been having a good week. As a result of that bad week, I've been lapsing a bit into depression and pessimism, which is obviously taking a toll on Hita, as well. She's still appearing visually (in that ghost-like mostly-knowledge-of-location kind of way), but she's rather droopy and hasn't been talking much. She says it's because she doesn't know how to pull me out of it. Thankfully, it's helpful just to know someone cares, even if it's technically myself. (Apologies for the "downer" post, by the way.) In spite of the reduced frequency of conversation, the past two nights have brought with them a few very crisp and clear audible statements from Hita, rather than the faint mindspeak she usually has to use. I can't for the life of me remember what she said each of those times, though. Each one happened on the verge of actually falling asleep, which I hear is a common and potent time for Tulpa breakthroughs. I believe the statement last night had four words, with a "big" word on the end, 3-4 syllables. An odd fact to remember, but it's all I've got. I admit that I'm curious as to what your symbolic explanation might be for the double-Hitamashiis. I've never been terribly adept at interpreting symbolism for anything. EDIT: I forgot, during my sleepy stupor, I also felt a few immense surges of-... Emotion? Happiness? I'm not really sure. I mostly felt the sensation in my forehead. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it was certainly more than I'm at all used to, and I can't recall what exactly it was. Might be related to Hita, but I'm not sure. She claims it was, but she doesn't know what it was, either. A little frustrating, and casts doubt on whether she's "separate" from me at all. Would be nice to be able to just pluck that sense of doubt out of my head and throw it in the garbage. It's done me very little good.
  12. I'm currently taking courses to become a welder, which will act as a basic job as well as give me something to contribute to my family's budding business, which is Halloween prop design/creation/manufacturing. The rest of my family's more into making the props pretty, whereas I'm happy to make them sturdy and make them work. Props with moving parts are the best ones. :) Beyond that... I'd like to attain self-sufficiency, ultimately, and not have to adhere to anyone's schedule or demands except Mother Nature's. I'd still create and sell things in order to get "fun money", but I'd like to escape full-blown bills and the like. And, finally, a very difficult-to-reach dream that HEAVILY involves Tulpas... I'd like to see "mind-reading technology" (where it senses brain waves and sends output accordingly) become advanced enough that one could "teach" a machine to respond in a certain way to thoughts. Basically, where you can calibrate a machine to certain thoughts by thinking it over and over, and telling the machine to activate this or that function when it receives that thought command. I have no delusions about ever being able to help that technology along, myself, as it's nowhere near my area of expertise. But, if it can ever come about through someone else's efforts, I imagine such technology could be employed for things like prosthetic limbs, cosmetic limb additions like tails, and... Tulpas. Creating an artificial robotic body for them that they can then learn to control. Such technology is likely way, way out of reach, but it's a joy to dream about having one day.
  13. I've been finding that, when I'm doing a high-attention activity such as conversation or playing a game, I'll completely forget about Hitamashii (my Tulpa), and she won't really do anything to get my attention. When she DOES have my attention, she's an absolute chatterbox. It is, unfortunately, rather disheartening and brings about the most toxic Tulpa poison in existence, the dreaded Doubt. I get to thinking that, maybe, it's really my own veiled consciousness voicing and guiding her instead of my subconscious. Of course, the tip for "parrotnoia" is to give the Tulpa the benefit of the doubt, but that's easier said than done sometimes. I'm certainly trying, but my "anti-doubt walls" have the occasional leak. My question, then, mainly directed at those who are confident in their Tulpa's existence: Do your Tulpas tend to quiet down/disappear when you're busy with something, or are they harder to get rid of than that? Either answer is a good thing, really; for the former, it means I'm not failing, and for the latter, it means there's that far-more-substantial existence to look forward to for us.
  14. Alright, yup. Figured it was a bad idea, but wanted verification, anyway. Thought maybe someone had done that themselves, and would have info to share on it. :P I'm afraid I still don't really have anything major to report. It's all very gradual and slow-paced. I'm honestly not sure what I can put into this progress report that isn't just "more of the same". Memorable interactions with Hita, I guess? Tonight was a LITTLE more "interesting" than normal, in that I had a minor breakdown at welding class and she put aside her joking to try to make me feel better. Which would've worked had things not continued to pile on, heh. Once I was able to escape the class, she had a lot more success. Throughout the entire ordeal, I could tell she was having a hard time thinking of something to say. Just the attempt was quite helpful, though. Whether we're making genuine progress or whether I'm just fooling myself, I very much appreciate her being here. She's got all the optimistic joke-filled happiness that I always have a hard time mustering, and even if it's not enough to make things "perfect", it definitely makes things brighter than they would be. To reiterate, I'm not entirely sure what I can put into this thread. I was briefly concerned about Hita not knowing what to say at the welding class, as well as many other instances of her not knowing what to say, but I think I've pretty much figured that out on my own, in that no real person would know exactly what to say 100% of the time. Other questions that pop into my head are similarly resolved just through thinking about it a bit, so I don't really end up with many questions to ask. :( Makes it hard to keep this thread updated without getting stale and boring. I know it's not here for people's entertainment, but I also don't want to make people get dejavu four times per page. One issue I'm still having on occasion is the double-speak stuff, where Hita will say two conflicting things at once. Such as listening to music, where she'll say "I like this song" and "skip it" at the same time. Asking for verification on an answer only rarely ends up with one answer being more "certain". Building off of that problem, it's started sorta-happening in regards to real world position, as well. She'll stop at a door and wait for it to be opened, and when I open it, one Hitamashii goes along a clear path, and another Hitamashii seems to stay where she was, at which point I often end up dragging her along with my legs by accident. On one hand, the tripping-hazard-Hitamashii seems like it'd be the fake due to the fact that I figure Hita would know to keep moving. On the other hand, cooperative-zippy-Hitamashii seems like it'd be the fake due to the fact that tripping-hazard-Hitamashii seems pretty flippin' real, visually, as she gets woven around my ankles. Her "imposed" form seems to move in a surprisingly natural manner when she's pretzel'd around my boots, or at least natural considering what's happening. Granted, part of her original character is the ability to split into multiples... It's possible she's splitting just to mess with me, which is also par for the course as of late. She's not giving a straight answer on whether or not that's what she's doing, but that in itself could be her messing with me. Am I supposed to know instinctively when she's telling the truth? Or is that another "depends on the person" kind of thing?
  15. Yes, but not very well. He doesn't know the real thing. I don't want to, myself. Do you sing? If so, what's your favorite song to sing? - Hitamashii