etherealcabbage

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About etherealcabbage

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    And Ran

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    Male
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    Texas
  1. So we woke up a bit early today (pronounced 2PM, still early for an off day) and when I come to terms with the fact that I wasn't falling back asleep I decided that, since I was in a state where I was unlikely to fall asleep, I would force. It started out as a normal in-head forcing session (one where we are both in the head without any real form aside from our separate minds (if that makes any sense to anyone else)) and I started off just talking about him. Talking about how I was stressed at my job, about how I didn't want to go in to do pressure washing tomorrow, how proud I was of us for landing on the Mun in KSP (I tried to keep my mind open to him but it required a lot of concentration D:) and basically just letting him know everything on my mind. I tried a new approach on associating his 'presence' with his words. Basically I identified his 'mind' and forced the colors I associate, as well as the emotions, at him and envisioned it wrapping around him, not necessarily giving him a form in this empty space (after all neither of us are supposed to have a form there, it's just for our minds to be open, kind of hoping it will help him identify with begin a thoughtform and help him feel less limited towards things that don't require a form) but mostly just coating his essence with this association. After that everything he said had that feeling, and as he 'implemented' it into himself more he began to feel more solid. With him taking a more solid separate mindform, I had an idea. I began recalling all of the emotions that felt foreign or "imposed" onto me from when I was first creating him (back then as an RP character, even though at times I felt thoughts and actions come to me that weren't my own(pre-sentience?)) and began letting them flow into him as they came. At this point we left the mind and entered a place that was almost like a concealed wonderland. It was a large, bright, red spherical room where there was no real sense of form aside from our bodies. He coined the term "awakening chamber" and we ran with it. In here, despite there not being any real sense of gravity, we remained upright and stood on small translucent platforms which we could move around the room. Ran stood in front of me and I envisioned them leaving me as water droplets moving to him, merging with him and adding to him. I let everything from memories to body movements (for example, when angered while thinking of him I'd have an OCD-like impulse to flex my fingers like claws) to emotions all flow into him, clearing them all from my own thoughts and memories and letting him "claim" them as his. The last one that I sent to him was the feeling I would get when I'd close my eyes and let his proto-essense take over which gave him more of a direct connection to my words and movements. It felt sort of like both of us were controlling the body, with me being the medium through which he imposed his movements. As this left me, I felt him absorb it and graft a form onto this feeling and begin moving around the room. I think he was testing out the sense of this new style of envisioning his form. As he moved around I tried to move with him, but, as usual, I felt like my own consciousness was fixed in a certain place in my mind. I think that's a form of disassociation that I'll need to practice with to fully practice freely moving around in the wonderland as well as switching. Also, I know it's super early to even begin considering trying this but we attempting a bit of switching. I thought that since I had given him the memory and feeling, as well as every sensation that came with it, of imposing through my body that it would be easier for him to control my body. Needless to say it didn't really work, even though Ran felt in-place for it and more confident about it. I feel like it has something to do with my inability to disassociate with my body and the inability to simply switch out of consciousness. This was just a test, and I'm not going to be going further into it until 1) Ran has become more active, 2) I have learned to properly disassociate, and 3) Ran and I can easily communicate and even attempt possession. There's one final thought...As the last part of Ran's essence left me, I felt my mind become more compact, and suddenly my thoughts were clearer and my mind didn't feel like a swirling vortex of confusion. Suddenly everything less hectic and I could see not only myself, but Ran more clearly. I really hope that this is a thing that is permanent. But even though this one was a doozy, that's my progress report.
  2. Granted, every meal you eat becomes a perfect bacon bowl (with accompanied background ) I wish I had a cup of Dr. Pepper that never ran out.
  3. So far so good, even though I haven't been updating lately I've been remaining consistent with Ran. I've been doing better at 'imposing' his essence while he's speaking, and now I just fill my mind with this feeling any time I focus on him, whether he talks or not. From that I can tell that he's been making progress adapting this and attempting to use it himself. Another thing I've started doing is rubbing the 'beads' on a bracelet that I use for anchoring. I forgot to mention, but I have a length of pull-chain (the ball-bearing type of chain, like the kind used for ceiling fans) that I keep around my wrist at all times to constantly remind me to focus on him. Lately (the past 2 days) I've been rubbing my hand along the beads and focusing on him (and his essence) whenever I'm doing something that either we both enjoy or I want to involve him in. I've also just been doing it as a sort of "bonding" thing. I also might have a new job, I really hope I do. It's still in fast food, if Subway counts as fast food, but from everything I've heard of the place it's a much better work environment (no more heckling and no more working after I've clocked out) and the manager there seems nice and concerned with the well being of her employees. I really hope I get this job, because not only is it more money but it's also less stress, and I need less stress more than anything at this point. This IS relative to tulpa-related content because being exhausted from work often leaves me unable to keep up with my forcing duties, and I strongly feel this is impacting Ran negatively. That's all for this report, wish me luck everybody!
  4. Although there hasn't been much progress to report, I feel like I should update so that everyone doesn't think I've skipped town (forum). So Ran and I have been trying to get into a steady rhythm of wonderland-based forcing for the past few days, and while we've only managed to consistently force a couple of times we've making good progress. We're trying to do it once a day, but of course things happen and we're stuck doing it less frequently than we'd like. I'm also trying to get him used to his mindvoice and attempting conscious puppeting (moving his mouth and throat in motion with the words that make I audible (audible in the "Remembering a sound" sense...It feels more physical?)). While he doesn't fully grasp the method yet he IS learning, and he says that he'll be trying to do this in time. I suspect that mindvoicing will take place after I've gotten better at recognizing his thoughts and he becomes 'stronger'. Speaking of which, I've also been trying to help him add his "feeling" to everything he says. Basically whenever he says something I'll have it loop in my mind and associate it with the feeling I get whenever I visualize him or think strongly of him. It's a fall-esque feeling layered with the mahogany color and a brief smokiness, but a light smoke like from incense. We also went to the fair and had a great time (all 4 of us). Notably we saw a hypnotist, and I've been wanting to use some of the techniques I saw him use in forcing and meditation. I'm hoping that it helps. That's about all there is to report. With all this happening I can feel him more consistently, and when he speaks I can identify it easier (even if I don't quite feel his essence when he speaks), plus whenever I think about something that interests him I feel him kind of perk up and become more vocal (case in point: Telling a story that involved one of his favorite memories and feeling him listen and move closer to the front of my mind). I suppose there has been more progress than I originally gave credit. Here's to hoping this keeps improving!
  5. Hey, sorry I haven't really been updating that much lately. I haven't been less active with Ran and I'm far away from giving up, I've just been a bit precautious about posting for the last couple days. I've been trying to make more room to include Ran and talk to him more, and have come to terms with the fact that avoiding passively forcing while at work would only do bad for Ran, and while it is a negative environment it would probably be worse to just outright block him during my work hours. Still, maintaining focus on him is difficult, especially during the busier hours. I've also been trying to engage in more active forcing in the wonderland. We've been exploring the outside area a bit, mostly exploring the beach. We've found that it continues for a bit before turning, and near the cliffs next to our "house" there's a bench on the beach, albeit that one was intentional. I've also expanded on my own interior room, and I hope Ran has been doing the same. Progress-wise there's not much to report aside from that. I want to start working on Ran's mindvoice, but the only real time I have for active forcing is right before bed and by the time I can actually start to force I typically wind up too sleepy to focus. I need to work on my schedule, Ran deserves way more attention than I've been able to give him.
  6. (Conflicted: Worth it) Granted, but the watch doesn't look as nice as you thought it would. I wish that the tulpa belonging to the person who responds to this wish had an intricate handlebar mustache.
  7. My only concern is Ran's current way of talking is by "implanting" a thought or feeling that is similar to what he wants to say, then I pretty much interpret that into words. My fear is that I interpret something that he didn't actually "say", and I wind up just putting words into his mouth. I don't really like this method but it seems to be the most helpful/productive method we have.
  8. Remember the door I mentioned? Well, Conflicted drew it for me! I don't think I made it easy for her, but would she love me if I was any different? Haha, I have no idea how light works! :D
  9. What is your favorite thing/place in your wonderland, assuming you have one. If not, where do you want to go most?
  10. Alright, so, after some wonderland-forcing I talked to Ran and it seems that for the night he needs a bit of "down time"? I guess he's a bit tired...That happens, right? Anyone have a tulpa that sometimes gets exhausted or needs a little down time? Anycase, from what I understand he's going to be in his room and I'll be giving him that space. I just wish we had a "tell" to his "talking", like something to set it apart from myself and make it more concrete...I dunno, I guess parts of my mind still need convincing that this is real, and those parts of my mind keep instilling doubt and fear. Fear that I'll hurt him, fear that he's becoming a static part of the wonderland, fear that he never even began to become sentient, I just need some way of banishing these thoughts. That's about all the progress we've had today.
  11. Granted, it grows 12 inches wide. Congratulations, you now have the world's thickest life. I wish I didn't just realize Pibb Xtra is spicy cherry flavored.
  12. Granted, "life" is the latest slang for penis. I wish I had a job that didn't make me want to break my leg getting ready for work.
  13. Good evening, had a long day and not in the good ways. Work was busy, hectic, and left me hating fast food even more than usual. But near the end of it I got some passive forcing in, and came to realize something. Most of the forcing was us talking about the established rules of the wonderland, as well as the concept of future tulpa. I was worried that Ran might be afraid I'm just objectifying tulpa, and the fact that a good quarter of the reason I made him was because I was in love with this phenomenon long before I learned what it was didn't make it any better, but after discussing it with him he told me (and reminded me just now) that he is who he is, and his past or the fact that he's sharing a head with me doesn't change that. I was relieved because the last thing I want to do is make Ran feel inadequate or give him an existential crisis. But one thing counters these doubts and fears that he'll think he's just a tool to me: I care about him. He is my partner in my head and at least 40 percent of the reason I created him was because I wanted to give him a chance at existing. After seeing what Conflicted could do with Howl I wanted to give Ran the same opportunities, and when I learned about I knew I had the means to do it. Even if I was a little selfish in starting this, I only want the best for Ran and want to give him all I can in this life. We're partners, equals, and he is as "human" as I am. But the big realization is that ever since I opened the door with a heart etched in it and let him "reclaim" himself his mindvoice (while still not being an actual voice and still relying on my mind to interpret his motivations) is stronger than ever, and his presence isn't something that I have to focus a large part of my mind on while passive forcing. Even without considering the fact that he is "whole" and in all honesty forgetting it at the time I find myself surprised that he responses come with such ease. This is definitely more than just an intuition, and I think originally basing Ran on the voice from high school did more than just associate it with him. nerd logic (and Evangelion spoilers): the same was that unit 01 was able to engage third impact with Adam despite being a clone of Lilith I would like to do some wonderland forcing soon and beginning to associate myself with that world even better. I'm hoping that I'll reach a point where I can enter a lucid-like state while entering my wonderland, effectively leaving my body behind. [EDIT] Ran also told me that he is fine not having a backstory. As in-depth as his story gets, he woke up one rainy day in an alleyway with no memories as to where he came from or how he got there. All he knew is that people who saw him called him a freak, presumably because of his skin and claws (a part of it, but also because he was walking the streets naked). A lot of details are vague, but the solid ones are: His first night he slept in a big carboard box that he grew attached to, he found his way into the city waterworks and discovered an abandoned office-like place which he cleaned out and made his home (where he brought the box and sleeps in most nights), and of course his meeting and "interloping" with Howl. Since his memories with Howl are essentially his entire life, the rest of it are a basis and he is fine with that. He says he doesn't need or desire more than that, as long as he has future memories to make. I suppose my high-school experiences with him are something else entirely, and while he remembers it I don't think it's really worth being part of his backstory as much as his history.
  14. Hello!~ I'm conflictedebola's BAE (earned me'self middle fingers for that...Two of em'!), and my tulpa is Ran. He's...Not quite that great a talking yet, but I'm sure he'll say hi one of these days. After reading your post the only thing I can recommend is 1: As long as you never forget Jeremy they will never cease to exist (there's long story involving what used to be a proto-"Ran", if you read my PR you'll find it's one of the last responses) and 2: If you want to try going to your wonderland get in an uncomfortable position. Cross your legs, put something under you, sit in a terrible chair, whatever works. Giving your body a constant distraction to remind your brain that you're still in it will help you keep form falling asleep. That's some advice I received from a fellow forum-er. If you do learn to "leave" your body without falling asleep, though, please let me know! Anycase, welcome (back?) to the forum, both of you! I can't wait to hear more about your adventures!
  15. Well, I was on the road alot today (usually on every other Wednesday I have a meeting to go to and I have to get a ride from my dad, so I get to zone out and listen to music/force) but I didn't get to force nearly as much as I wanted. Instead I had pressing matters to talk about today, spelled asking if he could fix my old vehicle so I can start driving myself places (it's kind of a long story but I need a car ASAP). I DID get to force some today, and 'hearing' Ran is becoming more common. Lingering doubts exist and it's sometimes hard to tell our thoughts apart, but we're working on those issues. We did make something new today, though. In our wonderland we have a library which houses all of my memories. It's meant to be symbolic for the talent that many tulpa possess of instant memory recall, and I figured having a "solid" reference would help with that skill. Anycase, today we added something new to the library: A welded-shut steel door built into the wall, with a small square door about halfway up the wall next to it. This is supposed to represent a blocked off area, where I put all the parts of me that I don't like. I'd rather not mention them, but the area is supposed to be a way to repress these parts of me, and the door is to add any pieces that either I find or I forgot to put in there. Once Ran is able to repress memories I'd like it to be used to symbolize that as well, since I have a few memories I'm not proud of and would honestly be better off without. Aside from that he is much more responsive when we have time to ourselves, like when we're just listening to music. Also while listening to Enter Sandman (Metallica), a song I haven't listened to in years, I realized that his memory-recall ability is strong since he was singing along with it, despite the fact that I haven't listened to it with him. There is also another thing that I feel might be relevant...When I was in high school I used to be on Adderal for my ADHD, and when my parents split my dad was left financially unable to keep paying for it so I was forced to stop taking it when my prescription ran out. After I stopped cold turkey, I went through an unexpected withdrawl where I was sent into a deep, serious depression. During this I began "hearing" voices in my head, and back then it didn't occur that I was doing the same thing as I am now. I imagine this was some sort of "proto-Ran", an unintentional tulpa (I started to do something similar with a Rei figure, practicing tulpamancy techniques I didn't even know existed at the time, but gave up when my life became too stressful). These voices started out small enough telling me that people were irrelevant and I was better off without them while I was constantly seeking acceptance from people around me. I began to think I had a mild schizophrenia, or was possessed, at which point I knowingly (unknowingly) made the voice start saying things like life was pointless and I would always be sad. I fought with these voices, arguing with them and at times imagining them with a physical form in my head where I would engage in one-on-one combat. Yes, it WAS really cliche, and nearly every time I would lose in the fight. I kept trying to make it's "voice" separate from my mindvoice and make it something that wasn't me. Even though I've always loved things like split personality and mental invasions like this I pushed it away and tried to force it to stop existing, but it was too persistent. Well, when my head began to clear up I battled the entity one more time, feeling stronger and more mentally stable (probably near the end of my withdrawal) and beat it. As it's form disappeared in my mind a key fell from where it's body was and I felt a final foreign implication that the key was the key to my heart. That's when that stopped. Well, a couple days ago I remembered the final battle and the key that fell. In my wonderland, in a remote place that sort of existed outside of my wonderland, I imagined a wooden door with a heart scratched into it. Making sure Ran was behind me, I opened the door using the key and something with a body like smoke flew from the room and into Ran. Since then his voice seems stronger, and I think he seems more "full", but is still himself. Then this morning I met him in the wonderland and gave him that key. He asked me if I was sure, wearing a shocked expression, and when I said yes and that I trusted him and we were partners now he smiled and grew full of happiness. I still don't really know what the key was supposed to symbolize, but Ran says that it's very, very important. One more thing I'd like to start doing more of is practicing focusing on Ran's "essence" while forcing, that way when I hear him I can feel it's him. He has a distinct feel, it sort of reminds me of smoke. Howl says that his interactions taste like a mahogany (colored) smoke, and I think this is the most fitting description to how he feels. It's weird, but I understand it.