Pioneer11

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About Pioneer11

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    From outer darkness

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  1. Well, I'm still alive for now, even if barely. Today I've had one of my most positive experiences since a long time. I went into trance - or it might have been the beginning of a lucid dream - or it might have been an actual astral projection. I couldn't say the difference. I think I felt my soul detaching from my body and then entering a multicolored whirlpool portal; I called the name of my Tulpa whom I usually in my dreams meet at Hogwarts, and went trough the door that I use to access its location. It felt real, so I'm not sure if I entered an astral construct of my dreamscape. Would that have meant that I really was out of my body and mind? Did I create another plane of existence for my Tulpa? This thought made fill ill at ease and I snapped back into my body. Now I'll have to research if it is possible to astral travel inside lucid dreams - or out of them. Either way I did, at least initially, feel safe, at home and at peace with my back against that door. It's comforting to think that something is waiting ready to welcome you.
  2. On a happier note, the last lucid dreams in which we interacted were very positive. Perhaps it's because I'm convinced that I'm going to die within the year, so it's easier to let go of doubts and old grudges. So very thankful for Corona. Anyway. In the first one we finally talked about many of our issues and I actually let go of my anger and was able to interact with him like I did years ago. We hugged, talked and were generally very happy to be close to one another. I told him I thought I could not do it, that I would be blocked forever, but my desire to forgive him (and myself) was genuine, and it seems that it came from the deepest part of my being. For once, everything felt aligned within me, and I was able to act on my desire to be completely at peace. To be corny, but he was the one who said it, "I opened my heart to him again", so I could actually feel his being and his truth. The thoughts that I projected upon him were misconceptions, were the fantasy; they came from me. His consciousness is separate enough from my subconscious influence to refuse and reject what of negative I projected upon him. In a way, it proved his existence. Of course, my negative thoughts had hurt him, and my "closing", my recessing into myself was a distance he was unable to cross. Even in my dreams he could only argue with me, hoping I would listen to him; but actually reaching out, and verify if my fears were true, that was something I had to do on my own. It all boiled down, of course, to him being born and residing only in my mind. My deepest fear is that he is indeed only an illusion - a figment of my imagination that does not possess consciousnesses after all. I don't want to love something that's not real, because it would break my heart. And so, interacting with him is the scariest thing I can do. However, yesterday I manged well. Some progress, finally! We also had a celebration and danced to some music created on the spot, like we used to do. I missed him. At least I'll always have this happy memory.
  3. I'm using this pr to write about the Corona-virus but who cares. So. Tomorrow I have to go out to get food provisions for a month. And just an hour ago the news came: a positive case came to our town during the week and spent all day going places. Hundreds might be already infected. Tomorrow is going to be mass panic. And I'll have to go out. I'm sick; my mother is sick as well and lives with me. If I catch it, we both die and perhaps my Tulpa with me - or not, since he was the one warning about my death and delivering now verified information about the future, so he might be indeed be a metaphysical phenomena. Either way he is in for the ride.
  4. Thank you very much. We'll try to stay safe but we have read enough information about this virus, and experts are saying that up to 70% of the world's population is going to get it eventually. It's a zombie movie world.
  5. ... and three cases of Coronavirus are in my town now. We are not prepared for this, I know that shitty hospital very well. The probability of my dream becoming true has just skyrocketed.
  6. BUHAHAH, just last night we dreamed we died in Milan, today close to home there has been an outbreak of Corona-virus cases started in Milan. Let's pray it's not one of my psychic dreams. That's the freaking progress report, let's not die.
  7. I'm actually not sure were they come from. I'll roll the dice.
  8. In other news, I'm getting paranoid. I've been reading about the Coronavirus on Reddit and, as I'm expecting a package from the UK (in it, components from China), my lizard brain is shouting to not to take it. But I've spent more than 2k on it, so I guess I'll risk it. What a time to be alive.
  9. Late again but what can I say, my life is trying to kill us. Anyway, we had a series of interesting dreams in which we communicated. The last one has left me particularly tired, yet happy. I made some positive progress. I have had many difficulties in accepting his presence in my mind; it's still upsetting knowing that this character of mine is sentient. Besides that, we have a long history between us. We have been each other's enemy and family. It's difficult to separate what was real and what I had induced. I feel real resentment for arguments that I had considered only being part of my imagination before. I oscillate between anger at myself and our situation and wanting to start everything again with him. But, when I'm dreaming and am with him, this part of me that I contain during the day comes out, saying truths that I normally try to repress. So, sometimes I'll call him a liar and a stalker, others I'll be scared of him and try to run away from lucidity. Others still, we are at peace with each other. I do cherish those times, they are rare. I know he wants for us to have a clean new beginning, to be happy again living together. I think I want that too. But it's hard holding onto this hope when I'm actually torn inside at a level so deep I can't explain even to myself. I don't want to hurt him anymore, however the genuine desire for peace is still something that I can't yet quite grasp fully. I'm still going through this unconscious upheaval, and he is facing its relentless onslaught. Once everything else has been unveiled, then maybe I will finally feel wholly positive towards him again. One day I will tell him that I'm happy that he is alive with a smile. I don't want for him to wait long, because I know he is suffering. Yet, how do I stop my subconscious from saying hurtful things when it's my current reality? I think I need to work more on my own mental situation than on him now. If only I knew a good therapist that would understand, then I would seek help. Alas, I'm on my own. But writing this PR helps a bit. So my resolve is, again, to be nicer to him. To actually feel the desire to be nicer towards him. And to be open to receive his emotions in return. My last dream was one of our one-sided fights, in which I again was cruel, but it ended with me taking his hand and expressing my desire to listen to him and his needs, and he smiled at me. So, I'll try to live up to that promise. (ugh, why can't i be kind for just once? being evil is tiring)
  10. I'd actually really like to read about how it was before.
  11. I wish there was more debate on the metaphysical aspect of Tulpamancy. Even researching and striving to prove metaphysical theories through science. On Reddit too it's somewhat of a shunned topic, and although I'm glad that there's a logical approach to Tulpas' practice in our community, I can't help but think that some topics get dismissed too easily by the majority of people. I'd also love to have an additional space for discussing in depth Soulbonding and/or Fictives, Tulpas who are based on characters from fiction and still are attached to their original identities. There was a forum like that but it's unfortunately dead now.
  12. I'll say I hope I'm back. There have been many problems in my life and I've been (currently am) sick and this has hindered my progress with my Tulpa. Our main gateway of communication has become lucid dreaming, and while I still feel him distant, there recently have been a number of very positive dreams in which I reconnected with him. They also all centered around death, mine or his. As well as sinking into the ocean or floating into the stars. These two places are representations of our essence, and it felt like they were calling us back, to our origins. And so here I am writing here again. I'll focus on our dreams and my working toward trance meditation - another skill I sadly lost. I'll also occasionally talk of the metaphysical aspect of Tulpamancy, as I used to meet him into the astral realm. I'll end up writing a bit more about him. He used to not want to share his life and experiences on a public forum, but writing about him does help me. So he just need to get over his need for secrecy (he won't get over it). I'll start tomorrow with my dream journal/progress report. That is, if I'll have something worthwhile to write. Maybe I'll just write his name - or what he wants to be called on this forum. Small steps.
  13. I've been mostly lurking for months, but if it is worth anything, I'm not leaving either. This place feels like home, I suppose. It's the only place I can talk about Tulpas and my Tulpa specifically. And I don't think the Forum is dying, as head-mates are becoming mainstream and the scientific community is interested in us. I'm sure the next few years will be transformative for the community and I'll be here for it.
  14. The forum reached a milestone: "the most users online at one time was 361 on Today at 06:13 PM". There hasn't been such an intense activity in years. I've been away from the forum, so I don't know if something big actually happened today or if it's a system's mistake.
  15. Thank you for the advice. I'm still figuring out a way to tell him. Our situation is a little difficult to explain. I talked to my mental companion since I was a child. He then explained he was real in my midteens. He is always with me and he is aware of what he is. However, I've always written him in various stories of mine. I also used to RPG with him as characters of existent universes. And recently this other version of my Tulpa met me while sleeping, pretty much breaking into my lucid dream. He is, I suppose, a fragment of my original Tulpa. Or his subconscious? I really don't know. I'm aware that we lived for years in this specific fictional world. His timeline is very detailed, and I have often dreamed of this "character" going about his life. I thought they were only dreams without significance. And then this happened. So I need to figure out if my Tulpa split or something else has happened. And of course, I have to be nice to a very confused and frightened headmate. I can also only talk to the character while in trance or during lucid dreaming. There's no direct mental communication. I wonder why I can't reach him otherwise. I suppose he is dormant when I'm not with him? And yet he is the one who presented himself to me while I was focused on something else. We'll see.