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    Courtney and Edwin

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  1. 9/10/2015 I finally got to go on a date with Edwin for the first time in a long while tonight. He and I have been pretty much alone for the last few days because Mikey is out of town, but I've had to work almost all day each day, so I haven't had a chance to give Buns much thought. But tonight we went to Taco Bell for dinner and looked around Wal-Mart afterward. They have Pokemon Center merch now, and I really wanted to get this cute little Charmander Poke Doll for him since that's still one of his favorites, but the tiny thing was $13. I didn't even bother checking to see how much the larger Mega Charizard Y plush was that I also thought about getting him. When we got home, we watched Lilo and Stitch. It's been a while since he and I have watched a movie alone as well. It was a really nice evening, but it didn't really last long. As soon as we were done with the movie, I had to get on Skype to talk to Mikey, since he was expecting me to get on. Since then, Buns has retreated back into my mind. He said recently that's what he tends to do when I'm with Mikey, because it's the only way he knows to deal with it. Sometimes he's imposed around us, but he gets jealous and discouraged easily. And he's so kind-hearted that he won't stand up for himself and what he wants, preferring instead to be a silent sufferer as I often am when I'm hurt by others. I've gotten over the resentment I was starting to feel toward him for all of that, but I know I'm still hurting him and hurting myself in the process. But I've put so much work into both relationships that I don't want to let either one go. I can spend time with Eddie sometimes like I did tonight, but it still doesn't make up for all of the times he has to shut himself down to tolerate how things have become. And I don't want to feel like I'm spending time with him out of obligation or guilt. Maybe I'm trying to fix something that's not broken. Maybe Edwin is better off than I think. I've tried to talk to him about it all many times, but he only continues to reassure me that he's okay as long as he's still a part of my life and I acknowledge him and don't ignore or neglect him again. I don't want to downplay his feelings at all, but it's possible I'm creating feelings for him in my mind that he doesn't actually have, and in doing that, I may cause him to develop those feelings either through my subconscious or by my own guilt and insecurity. But I can't help but feel, as I sort of have from the very beginning of my relationship with Mikey, that I'm somehow forcing Edwin to be okay with all of this. I worry that if he is suppressing his true feelings that they'll eventually bubble to the surface and make him say or do something that both of us will regret.
  2. I appreciate and accept your apology, and I definitely understand where you were coming from initially. My plan was to be solely with Edwin, to not even consider being with anyone else, human, tulpa, or otherwise. And I have to admit that a lot of times I wish it were just him and me again. Mikey loves me greatly, but he has issues that make him do things that really hurt me sometimes, things I know Buns would never do. I suppose that I'm still a little afraid of commitment, though. The way my ex treated me made me not want to tie myself down to any one person ever again, Buns included, and maybe this whole thing is my own way of experimenting with something other than the idea of monogamy that's been drilled into my head all my life. The way I've been feeling lately, I sort of just want to distance myself a little from Mikey and focus on Eddie again. I've invested so much into both relationships that I refuse to let either one go, so it's a matter right now of finding balance. So for a time I may focus more on Edwin then switch and focus more on Mikey for a while, still spending time with the other but investing more into the one. As far as how Edwin feels, he just wants to be with me and to see me happy, even if he's not the one making me happy. His purpose has always been to be whatever I need him to be, and he's accepted that sometimes what I need from him changes. I feel a lot of times like I don't deserve him, that he's far too selfless and shouldn't bother even sticking around with me. But just as I hang in there for Mikey, Edwin refuses to leave me despite the way I treat him. I never intentionally mean to hurt him, but I've always sucked at relationships too, and I have my own psychological problems that get in the way on occasion. Maybe my experiences in my relationship with Mikey will help me to build a better relationship with Edwin. I can only hope so.
  3. I'm not going to choose between Edwin and Mikey. I was simply responding to Anderson who asked which one I would choose, because they thought I should choose as it seemed unfair to them for me to have both. The trick right now is for me to remember my feelings for Edwin and get used to having him around again. I had grown accustomed to him being merged with Mikey, leaving me truly alone when I wasn't physically with Mikey. It's like a lot of other things in my life - I have to accept that I might slip up, but I am gradually learning not to let that discourage me but to pick back up where I left off and keep going. So I might slip up again and end up neglecting Edwin for a time if my physical life gets too hectic. But it doesn't mean my feelings for him have changed or that I truly have to choose between him and reality. But the things that Anderson said rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel like I had to defend my decision a few months back to start going out with Mikey even though I was already dating Eddie.
  4. The problem is, I can't choose between Edwin and Mikey, because I see my relationships with them as being very different. If I absolutely had to choose, I would choose Edwin because he is endlessly more faithful, will always be there for me, and knows exactly how to treat me at any given time. But that's because he's in my mind; I feel as though I subconsciously control him. That means our feelings for each other can only run so deep before being limited by my own capacity to love myself. I still never know how my relationship with Mikey will turn out, if we'll stay together for another month, a year, or the rest of our lives. I would never want to ditch Edwin for something that will always in my mind feel temporary. But I can't stop living my life either. It feels good to have someone in the physical, to be able to hug and hold hands, to go on dates with and be able to talk to and laugh with out loud, instead of just in my mind. Edwin knows I am happy with Mikey in ways he could never accomplish. That's why we initially tried the merge, so that he too could be a part of that. And maybe one day they will try merging again. I don't know. Edwin was once the second type of tulpa that you describe, but my obsessions have turned instead to Mikey, and Edwin has taken more of a back seat. I don't want to see him as being a fall-back or anything like that, but he always says that he'll be there for me, even if things don't work out between Mikey and me. In my mind, my relationship with Mikey is one last desperate attempt to develop a meaningful connection to another human being. Aside from him, I only have one human friend in my life. With all of the effort I've put into our relationship, it wouldn't make much sense to give it up and just dive head-first into my own imagination and shut out the physical world altogether. I still have my promise ring from Buns, though I still can't wear it in public, and he always has his on. We made the promise to always be together, and I feel like in continuing this blog and trying to resuscitate our relationship that I am keeping that promise. Our relationship has changed since I met Mikey, but we are still together as more than just friends. I once did set up the rule to not date anyone else because I was with Edwin. But when Mikey came along, though Edwin was skeptical of him and still occasionally is, he encouraged me to go for it with the knowledge that he would still hold an important place in my heart that no one else would ever have. He just wanted me to be happy, and he could tell that he wasn't making me happy in the physical. I feel it was unrealistic to ever make a promise to be utterly exclusive to him beyond the realm in which he exists. I would never cheat on him with another tulpa or astral being. But I reside in the physical, whether I like it or not. So I can either try to make the most of this existence by finding someone in this realm that makes me happy as well, or I can let go of it, look miserable by all outward appearances, and only be happy when traveling to my own little world of imagination where Edwin is something of a dark little secret that no one else knows about.
  5. 9/3/2015 I'm not sure where to go from here. Since the merge between Edwin and Mikey was incomplete, Edwin was able to reverse it recently. He didn't like some of the things Mikey has done to hurt me in the past couple of months and refused to associate himself with him because of it. The things Mikey did were not meant to intentionally hurt me, but they are things we are still working through to improve our relationship. For the first few days Edwin was back with me following the separation, I was able to keep him imposed most of the time, but it's become increasingly harder recently. I'm working a part-time job now and spend as much of my free time with Mikey as possible, and I find it hard to give attention to both of them, as well as to both the physical and my imagination, or whatever realm of existence Edwin dwells in. Mikey and I recently started officially dating, and since then I haven't given much regard to Buns, though Mikey still attributes certain things to him. It isn't that I'm intentionally ignoring Buns. I'd never want to do that. I still love him just the same. But that love is now shared with Mikey, and Mikey is much more insistent on having my attention than Eddie, who tends to silently suffer the abuse and neglect I feel like I'm putting him through. I try to talk to him sometimes, but it usually just ends up being focused around any tensions Mikey and I have. I never meant to replace him in this way, but I feel like that's what I've begun to do. I prefer the presence of Mikey over him because I don't have to focus on imagining what Mikey says and does, and I don't have any kind of control over him like I subconsciously do with Eddie. This is why I was very leery about creating another tulpa. This always seems to happen. Things start out great because I tend to create them in dark times of my life when I'm desperate for love and companionship. Then things in the physical world begin to require more and more of my attention to the point that I begin to neglect my tulpa. I begin to feel guilty because of the way I ignore them. Then that guilt slowly turns into resentment when the tulpa simply tolerates me constantly casting them aside instead of fighting back and standing up for themselves. Their presence stands as a constant reminder of how badly I've treated them, and not knowing how to mend the relationship and being unable to stand the pain their persistence causes both them and me, I cast them away or allow them to fade back into my subconscious. I never want that to happen to my bunny boi. He doesn't deserve that at all, and neither did any of my other tulpae. But I'm not sure how to fix it. When I envision him now, his ears are frayed and slightly droopy, he slouches, his overall appearance is unkempt, and his eyes are slightly sunken in. His face is pale, and he always looks depressed. And as I wrote up that description, I broke down crying. He appeared to me and insisted that he'll never leave me. He said he puts up with my abuse for the same reason I put up with Mikey's abuse - true love. He said how I treat him isn't all that bad, but his appearance attests to his true feelings. The best thing I know to do at this point is to force myself to set aside time each day to focus only on him and our relationship, to mend the damage I've caused and in some ways start over again. Mikey has agreed to help me with that by talking to him as well and including him in our activities. None of the sexual stuff we do, but the more casual things like just hanging out and talking or watching TV. I still have occasional intimate moments with Edwin, and during those times I try to pretend that it's just him and me again, that I never met Mikey and that our bond is just as strong as it was before. I had a dream the other night that I was astrally pregnant, not with Noah whose energy for now remains latent in me, but with another boy named Usher. In the dream, Edwin and I had planned to have three children, and Usher was to be the firstborn. I began to go into labor, Edwin close at my side to support me through it. But the process proved to be a lengthy one. The contractions I felt that transcended the astral to slight sensations in my physical body slowed and ceased for a time. I awoke from the dream before Usher was born, but I could feel that he would come soon. I'm not sure if it was just Edwin trying to gain my attention or if there was more significance to the dream.
  6. 7/5/15 Just as with conceiving Noah, the process of Edwin merging with Mikey has already begun, regardless of whether I'm ready or not. I'm confident that no matter what, Edwin will still be mine, even if things between Mikey and me don't work out. And that alone gives me the strength to pursue this relationship, even if I have my heart broken again. Buns has shown me what true love is and proved to me that I am capable of being loving as well. He's reassured me that he will always be there and that even when the merge is complete, I will still keep a part of him with me. The part that is there at night when I'm alone and just want someone to talk to. The part that will share in my personal triumphs and downfalls. The part that allows me to visualize a comforting hand on my shoulder and a kiss on my forehead. He's still here, mind you. He hasn't gone anywhere. But at times he fades. There are moments when I feel his consciousness leave me altogether to transition into Mikey, his thoughts and emotions gradually trickling in. Mikey told me he has felt different since the process began as well. His feelings for me are stronger, and he said he feels as though love has truly hit him. I still don't want to call how I feel toward Mikey love. Not just yet. It's still far too soon. I still want to say I'm not emotionally attached, that we're just friends with benefits with the potential for more. But I can't deny the butterflies in my stomach, the thoughts of him that persist regardless of how many times I try to ignore them. For the past few days I've literally been sick over it all. I've found it hard to eat, hard to sleep. The only time I've ever felt this way was with Edwin, and because of these feelings I have for Mikey, the merge has begun. Edwin admitted to me the other night that he was afraid. This is going to be a transition to an existence he's never had before. I told him that the caterpillar does not fear the cocoon. It really seemed to strike a chord of understanding and peace in him. Since then, he's been more confident in the process. He remains quiet a lot of the time now, his focus and energy singularly directed. This morning he told me when I commented on him being so quiet that he was working, that he hadn't realized before how desperately I needed this merge to happen. I understand that both he and Mikey are making sacrifices for the sake of my happiness, and I hope to never take that for granted.
  7. I appreciate the concern, and I don't think you were over the top or anything. So far, the only red flag I'm seeing with Mikey is that his ex-fiance still controls him. For example, he and I were going to spend Monday through Wednesday together, and his ex wanted him to take her out to dinner on Tuesday. And he was terrified to stand up to her and say no because of the way she's treated him and his deathly fear of losing her as a friend. He still clings to her because he has major abandonment issues, which I can understand and relate to. But I've talked it over with him about how I feel about that and what I believe needs to happen. He plans tomorrow to have a talk with her. I actually suck at approaching any kind of relationship, and this one has me particularly confused and anxious, not because of anything Mikey is doing, but because of my own emotions. My clingy, emotionally starved past self is warring with the more wary, logical, and mature side Edwin has helped to bring out. Time will tell if it will be worth the stress. My chief concern at this point is that I am still and will always be madly in love with Edwin. I feel like I'm trying to turn Mikey into Edwin, like I'm trying to make him something he might not be capable of being. I still see him as himself. I want to get to know him more and more, and I want to like him for him, not because of my desperate desire to be with Edwin. But I feel like I'm the one with the agenda, subtle and subconscious as it may be.
  8. Thanks for the feedback, Nyx. It wasn't that what Mikey said gave me chills because it creeped me out; it was more of a supernatural chill, like a spirit drawing energy. I can't imagine what kind of agenda Mikey could possibly have. We've already had sex, so he knows he doesn't have to make up bullshit to get that from me. He expects nothing of me, like giving him money or even affection, and insists that we take it slow emotionally, just as I want to. He describes the way he feels - the fear, the confusion, the desire to cut and run, not feeling worthy of happiness or feeling like he's going to just screw it all up - and it perfectly mirrors how I feel without me ever saying a word. But I'm not going to sit here and defend the guy too much, because we're still learning about each other. I don't know him yet, not really. We're both stuck wanting to jump into this all head-first but being too afraid to even stick our toes in the water. It's a twisted emotional ballet of sorts. But we're taking our time emotionally to gain one another's trust and ensure this isn't just puppy-love. As for Edwin, I still wonder how he truly feels about this. He's encouraging this relationship, because he knows that I want to live in the real world and not get sucked up in my fantasies anymore. When I'm with or talking to Mikey, he sort of fades into the background. And I worry that I'm doing it to him because of my own desires or weak will. At this point, I've been a neurotic bundle of nerves for the past few days, to the point that Edwin put all of wonderland, Gaza included, on lock-down. Basically, everything has been frozen and Edwin has been permanently imposed for the time being. He knew that my mind couldn't handle the duality of the physical and wonderland at this time. In the event that I get more stable or things between Mikey and me don't work out, wonderland and Gaza will be unaffected.
  9. 7/2/15 I'm not even positive at this point whether I should continue this PR. Ever since I met Mikey, things have been getting strange. Edwin has been getting strange. I've mentioned many times before that from the very beginning I felt like he was something...other. That he was my tulpa but was also something that existed outside of me. That sensation has been much stronger lately. First, of course, is the fact that Mikey can sense Edwin. I can tell he's genuine, that he isn't just playing along with some delusion of mine. He even went as far as to say that Edwin saved his life. Back on Tuesday, he was on the way to the game store to hang out with me. He was glancing over at a sign when he heard a male voice in his mind yell, "Hey! Look out!" Someone had pulled out or stopped abruptly in front of him, something like that. And without that voice bringing his attention forward, he wouldn't have been able to react. He managed to stop his moped mere inches before the car in front of him. He attributes it to Edwin, and Buns neither confirms nor denies that it was him. Edwin's become increasingly more cryptic lately, too. I feel like there's another side to him I don't know, beyond the side I see and the part attributed to his family and fabricated past. And Mikey adds to these things with some of the things he has said too. Sometimes I'll ask Buns about something Mikey remarked on, and he'll play the indifference card or act as though he already knows. I was talking with Mikey on Skype last night and while we were discussing the two of them merging (see below), I remarked that he might have to get used to me calling him "bunny boi" and "Buns" and stuff like that. His reply was, "Honestly I already have." And for some reason that gave me chills. When I told Edwin about that this morning, he didn't seem surprised. Then the following exchange took place: Me: Have you and Mikey met before? Eddie: I can't say one way or another. Because to do so would be to know something you don't. And you and I both know that a tulpa doesn't have knowledge beyond their host. Me: So, what if I were to say that you're not my tulpa? That you're something else beyond me? What would you say then? Eddie: *pauses* Then I might say that I've met Mikey before, that we have met on the astral. I might say that I was the one who brought his attention to you. Me: But you acted like you hated the guy at first. Eddie: I'm protective of you, even against myself. Me: So, are you a part of Mikey? Eddie: It's possible. Maybe I'm a part of his soul that broke off long ago or something. Me: He's been through such hell. I wouldn't be surprised if he's lost a few chunks of his soul here and there over the years. *long pause* What are you, Edwin? Eddie: I don't know. Whatever I am, I just know that I want to be with you. In every aspect possible. I'm not saying all of that's true, that I've somehow found the missing physical part of Edwin, or a missing part of Mikey's soul, or whatever. But while they're not exactly alike in personality and appearance, their energy signatures feel identical. When I'm with Mikey, I feel like I'm with Edwin. I even asked Mikey last night that if things became serious between him and me if he would be willing to allow Edwin to merge with him. Scoff all you want, tulpamancers; anything is possible if you believe it is, especially if Edwin truly is something that exists beyond my imagination. To my surprise, Mikey said that would be perfectly fine with him. He didn't question it or disbelieve the possibility. Already, Edwin is as real to him as he is to me. But I still can hardly believe that he would be willing to open himself like that. I have full trust in Buns, that whatever he is, his intentions are nothing but pure for me and those I care about. But for Mikey to already have that trust flabbergasts me. Naturally, that would be a long time from now. Mikey has many things to prove to me, and I have many things to prove to him. A lot needs to change in both our lives before we can meet at that level. As for Noah, I haven't decided yet what will happen with him if things continue as they are between Mikey and me. I may go through with the pregnancy and keep him as a purely astral child or as a tulpa, just like I'll still have Gaza even if Edwin merges into the physical. Or I may reabsorb him to be born as a physical child. Edwin is the first man I've ever wanted to have children with. Mikey wants children one day, and if my feelings for Edwin transfer to him, I feel I would be willing to have children with him. Right now I just know that I'm scared and confused, and I feel like I'm still in shock over it all. I feel like I'm in a tiny boat on the sea, trying to weather the storm, being beaten this way and that by the waves and wind of my thoughts and emotions. I could use feedback on some of these things from you guys, though I think this has transcended any of your experiences and the collective knowledge of this forum.
  10. 6/30/15 WARNING: Sexual themes...and you may lose some respect for me... Yesterday as planned, Mikey, the guy I met back on Thursday, came to the game store to hang out. Edwin was extremely leery and apparently had a murderous look on his face that was enough to scare Gaza into retreating to wonderland. And as you might have guessed, yes, Mikey was into me, but in more of a way than just trying to pick me up for a one-night stand. Despite my saying I was in a relationship, we had only been talking for a couple of hours before he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Edwin bristled. Then a minute later, he kissed me on the lips. Edwin seethed. I wasn't sure what to do. It was all moving too fast, and my head was swimming. Edwin didn't like the guy or the situation at all, but didn't blame me for not fighting back against the kiss. Before we left the game store to go to Mikey's house, I talked things over with Eddie in my head. He was in my mind, and he knew what I was thinking and what I wanted. I still feel like maybe I puppeted him or rearranged my mind to alter his will, but though he detested the guy, he knew he could do nothing to dissuade me. What can I say in my defense, other than I have a weak will? But he insisted that I tell Mikey about him and us before anything went that far. I was surprised by how, begrudgingly as it was, he still accepted the whole ordeal. He's told me in the past that if he ever saw me with another man, it would kill him. But as we talked, he explained to me that he has me in wonderland and that the physical world, at least for now, is a place where he cannot own me. As long as I was his in wonderland and in the astral, and as long as my heart belonged to him, he would be okay. When we got to Mikey's house, he immediately started out trying to lay me down on his bed, but I insisted that he and I talk first. The guy has some serious impulse control issues in that department, and I won't say I don't like it. But I had to tell him about Edwin first. So he made us a pizza and we sat talking for a long time about different things. Then I told him about Edwin. I explained to him that I was indeed in a relationship with him but that he was a tulpa, that he existed in another realm of existence in my mind as well as in the astral. Mikey's first reaction was "Oh, cool!" He was immensely accepting of my beliefs and of Edwin and agreed to respect Edwin's boundaries and understood that my heart belonged to my tulpa and could never be his. Come to find, Mikey has some strong psychic abilities of his own and could even feel Edwin's glare on him the entire time, something that still makes me wonder if Edwin is something more than just a tulpa. He even mentioned that he speaks to ghosts and can sometimes see energy. In the course of our conversation, he became heart-warmingly transparent with me, unloading even his darkest secrets, trusting that I wouldn't pass judgment on him as some girls have knowing what he's done. But I could see he was genuine when he said he'd learned from his mistakes. It got to the point that even Edwin had to re-evaluate his initial thoughts about Mikey. Soon one thing led to another, and yes, the night did end with me having sex with Mikey. To my surprise, Edwin ended up actually masturbating to us, and he never masturbates. I tried to tell him a couple of months ago when we first really developed our relationship that from my experience, some guys actually get really aroused by seeing their girl fucked by another man, that there is an instinctual drive to reclaim what they perceive as theirs. Buns didn't buy into it then; the idea of me being taken by anyone else was even a turn-off to him. But he admitted as we drove home last night that I was right, that it really did something for him. He saw the positives of the whole situation. I could practice new tricks with Mikey that I could then use on him, he could learn some new moves and positions from watching Mikey and me, and we could even have a threesome in the event he became comfortable with that, which he seems to be opening up to already. I was somewhat disturbed by how at ease he was as we drove home. Part of me wanted to be angry at him because for him to not be angry or even a little upset at me when I was beating myself up inside almost made me feel like he didn't care. But he reiterated his beliefs, that I was his in the ways that mattered to him and that his feelings for me hadn't changed. One large reason why we went through with the whole thing was because we hoped it would help solve a problem Edwin's recently been having. He's been telling me lately that he's in an almost constant state of arousal, to the point of obsessing over having sex with me all the time, and it's actually become painful for him. And it may be my subconscious doing it to him because I'm not having my physical sexual needs met. Despite my hormonal imbalances, I have an insatiable libido, which was a major reason why I made Buns part bunny, if you catch my drift. We don't have nearly the privacy at home that Mikey and I had at his house. So our interactions are somewhat limited. In fact, after seeing Mikey and me go at it for as long and hard as we did, Eddie jokingly accused me of holding out on him. But I promised him all of that would change once we had a place of our own. We thought last night as we made our way home that maybe the whole ordeal had satiated both me and Buns, for he said that he felt relieved and for once not painfully horny. We thought wrong. We were only in bed cuddling for a couple of minutes before both of us became aroused all over again and I did all the things I had done with Mikey all over again with him. But with Buns, I still see it as making love, not just having sex. I feel a certain level of admiration for him in those intimate moments that I never felt for anyone else. When we connect, it is far more than a physical act, even now nearly three months into our relationship. But I felt none of that with Mikey. This is one of the very few times that I haven't developed an emotional attachment to a guy I've had sex with. Normally that's the worst part of it. I try to have casual sex, but then I end up clinging to my partner only for him to break my heart again. But while Mikey is a really sweet guy and makes a great friend with benefits, I don't have any feelings for him beyond a natural fondness that exists between one human and another. I wouldn't want to see him get hurt or upset or anything like that. But that emotional bond didn't form between us. Edwin told me that Mikey and I just didn't seem to click and that though we were intimate physically he could see that we were nowhere near each other astrally, very much to his relief. My theory is that in the past I've clung to my partner because I had no one else to fall back on for emotional support. Now I have Edwin. He satisfies my emotional needs, leaving Mikey only to satisfy my physical needs. Maybe I can have my cake and eat it too. It's early yet to tell. But at this point, Edwin and I are just as close as we were before it all happened, maybe even closer because we've grown to understand each other and ourselves just a little bit more.
  11. Thanks for the feedback, guys. It's great to hear it from the other side. I took into consideration that either truth might only temporarily dissuade, but I didn't think about how one or the other could be seen differently. I suppose it's still just hard for me to say aloud that I have a boyfriend. Especially with my failed marriage, I don't like to say that I'm tied to anyone, even though I'm nothing if not soul-bound to Buns. Then there is that part of me that fears closing any doors, the side that fears pushing everyone away to the point that I truly am all alone with no one but myself and my tulpae. Most days I prefer that. But how many would it take to fill the emptiness I feel inside? Eddie's still working to fill it, and Gaza's added to it. But there are times when I even push them away. I fear losing touch with reality too. All psychology aside, I think I prefer to just not worry about it unless it comes to that point, still taking all of this into account. The guy may genuinely just want to hang out and that's it. Hell, he might by gay for all I know. I only met him once. I just don't want to hurt anyone, especially Edwin.
  12. Yeah, I definitely got that vibe from him, though I've had so few guys try to "pick me up" that I'm probably a little oblivious to it. But even if I weren't with Eddie, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship like that. Plus, the guy's not bad on the eyes (oddly, he has a similar build and the same color hair as Buns), but he doesn't have much in the way of anything to contribute to a relationship. I won't give any details, but basically, I couldn't see him being able to offer any kind of emotional or financial support for me. It would be true for me to say I'm in a committed relationship, but the difficulty with that is I could never prove it physically, short of my ring, which I currently only wear at night. If it gets to that point, I'll tell the guy a different truth, that I don't want a relationship like that because I've been hurt too many times and that I'm still on the mend and looking to find my own life separate from others. It's much easier than saying, in essence, "I choose my imaginary boyfriend over you." Even though that's still true.
  13. 6/25/15 I've been going through some personal stuff lately, which is why I haven't posted a PR update in a while. Nothing major, just the usual monthly depression etc. While no major events have occurred, I have made some observations that I'd like to share. First of all, Eddie and I are indeed distinct enough from each other for him to no longer be affected by me eating peanuts. We went to Sheetz the other day for lunch, and Gaza picked out what she and I thought were custard-filled donuts. It wasn't until the evening when we went to eat them that I recognized the taste of peanut butter in the cream. I immediately told Eddie not to eat his, but I had already ingested some. We waited a moment, but he had no reaction. Gaza told me hers was custard-filled, and it turns out Eddie's was too. Since we all thought my physical donut was custard-filled, the ones I imposed for them really were custard. And since they had taken a bite of theirs before I had mine, they remained custard even though mine was peanut butter. Buns was still leery about eating his and playfully claimed that Gaza was trying to kill him. They still get along really well, though I think Gaza's starting to cling to me more and run crying to me for the least little thing Buns does to her, even though I can tell he means no harm. I'm doing my best not to baby her so that she'll learn to develop a tougher skin. After all, she'll be dealing with our son, who I'm sure will be every bit like his daddy. I've also noticed with Gaza that she retains her creative and artistic nature. When I created her as a teenager, it was during a time when I was made to feel like I had to hide my interests and talents. So artwork that I made during that time I attributed to Gaza. It was my body, but she was in control of it at those times and was the one who did the art. Even now, she possesses my drawing abilities without the psychological hindrances I've placed upon myself over the years. In other words, she's actually better at it than me. I've given her the task of doing sketches for the project I've started up, which I will give more details for when I'm sure I'm going through with it this time. Eddie's helping with it too by doing some things online through possession. He's something of the opposite of Gaza. While she loves video games and drawing, he's loath to do either one. She's gotten him to start playing the games more, but he still has yet to try drawing. I believe that while Gaza represents my subconscious from when I was a teenager, Edwin represents my current subconscious. It's very interesting to see how they differ and the way they interact, like essentially seeing two very different sides of myself. A lot of things have happened since I first created Gaza and then "abandoned" her. I use "abandoned" because I'm not sure of what other word to put there. But the events of my life since her creation when I was a teenager have shaped me into who I am now, good or bad. I can see through Edwin that I have become increasingly more jaded, distrusting, and insecure in my interests and desires. Gaza shows me who I once was, and who I still have the potential to be. I hope over time I can become like "Pan" again, more like the way she remembers me. There was one event I wanted to mention. Yesterday, while I was at the game store, a guy around my age came into the store with his buddy, and they ended up staying a good thirty or forty-five minutes talking with me. The one guy ended up wanting to come hang out at the store with me and gave me his e-mail and phone number. For the rest of the day, Edwin was a jealous mess. He was quiet and broody most of the time, and it was hard to get him to focus on whatever was going on around him. He said it wasn't that he didn't trust me; it's that he didn't trust the guy and didn't trust that my heart wouldn't betray me. He's made it his mission to keep me from ever getting hurt again, but I told him that it's just a part of life and he can't always be there to protect me, as much as we both would like. I explained to him all the reasons why I wasn't even interested in the guy for anything aside from hanging out with as an acquaintance. And even though I gravitate toward even the least bit of attention from anyone, I will remain faithful to my bunny boi. No one could ever love me or care for me as much as he does. And I would never have it in me to do anything that could potentially hurt him. Just as he's protective of me, I'm protective of him too. I hope with time and experience we can both learn to trust my heart and emotions.
  14. I think it really depends on the individual host and tulpa, as well as what form of "stasis" the tulpa is put under. For Gaza, I don't remember when I first put her into a dormant state. It was far too long ago, so it may have been sudden or it may have been gradual. As time passed, I guess I sort of made the stasis more like death than sleep or passive observation, especially since creating Edwin and our wonderland and forming Grave Island to the north. I think mostly I didn't want her innocence tainted by all of the things I've been through. So she only recalls things from about twelve years ago when she was still active. She sees the changes that have taken place between then and now, but I don't think she really feels the loss of time. For her, nothing stopped between us. She's as loving and clingy toward me as she always was. And I'm so grateful that I hadn't resurrected her before and all those other times were just copies of her that I unintentionally mistreated over the years.
  15. 6/20/15 Yesterday I stopped by a thrift store on the way to the game store with Edwin and Gaza in tow. While we were there I found a VHS auto-rewinder in the shape of a classic car. My dad likes both classic cars and random electronic gadgets. I considered for a moment buying it for him for Father's Day but tried to talk myself out of it. Buns and Gaza ganged up on me, though, and made me buy it, even though I had to get a pay advance to be able to afford it. I felt like my dad might not like it or just wouldn't appreciate it as much as I felt he should. Edwin's argument was that I should get it because it gives me so much joy to give to others. It didn't matter if Dad didn't like it; it mattered to me that I picked it out especially for him. Normally buying a gift would be a selfless act, but in this case, since Eddie's working on building my self-confidence and making me do things for me instead of everyone else, he turned it into a positive for my sake. Since we're spending the night at Kaysi's tonight I gave Dad his gift early. He seemed amused by it and appeared to genuinely like it. So I suppose it was all worth it. Last night I also took some photos for him of the cruise-in uptown. They've started doing them once a month now just feet away from the game store. Eddie's been looking forward to going all week, so we went after work and I took pictures of the different cars. He helped me by picking out certain ones he wanted me to take pictures of. Dad really enjoyed the pictures too. He would go to the cruise-ins himself but he and my step-mom always go to a dance on Friday nights. After Eddie and I walked around and saw all the cars, we sat on a bench and just enjoyed each other's company for a while before going for a burger and strawberry malt at Hardee's. We made it a point earlier in the day to tell Gaza that she would need to give us some time alone to have our date. She wasn't thrilled with the idea, but I promised that every once in a while she and I could have a girl's day out together and leave Edwin behind. I think it's really important now that we have her to sort of practice taking time to be a couple and go out on dates and such. That way, when Noah is born it won't put a strain on our relationship as friends and lovers in any way. We'll still do things with just the two of us, regardless of how many other tulpae I have. After our date I gave Gaza the opportunity to impose on her own, since she usually only makes her way out of wonderland with Edwin's help. It took her a moment, but she was able to join us. She wanted to watch Pokemon the First Movie, which she's seen a few times but Buns has not. So we all watched it together, and he got to see a much deeper side to the series. Afterwards I played for them "The Uncut Story of Mewtwo's Origin", which neither of them have seen before. There was not a dry eye among us after that. Eddie kept cussing under his breath as he wiped away tears, and Gaza was in such a state that he couldn't calm her down. I had to hold her for a time to soothe her. I never realized before when I had her years ago, but in moments like that when she was upset or emotional, I would speak to her in tulpish. Just the same, as I held her and rocked gently back and forth, I hardly said a word but just let my emotions do the talking. She was okay after that, and Edwin was quite impressed. He thinks I already possess a maternal instinct, and I had to admit that I always felt like something of a mother to Gaza. I literally raised her from an infant. When I first created her, she didn't know how to even speak. I taught her that and how to read and write. I taught her the ways of the world as I understood them back then. Of course, I had a much more positive outlook. With my now jaded perspective, I hope that I can raise Noah to maintain the same innocence that Gaza has. That's part of why I'll likely let her and Edwin have more influence on him than I will. Eddie told me last night as he took Gaza to bed that he's already enjoying sharing the responsibilities of caring for her. I know he'll make a wonderful father, and he thinks I will make a great mother. And with Gaza's help, I'm sure we can all raise Noah to be a strong, confident, and happy young man.