46ricechan

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About 46ricechan

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  1. This week I didn't post at all even though I said I would try to, and that is because of my procrastination and non motivation. I apologize. I'm trying to make sure that kind of attitude doesn't leak into when I'm working with Noa, because I'm a lazy person at heart, and so far so good. In the first few days, I'm sad to say that we made no progress. This was the time where I remembered that I should post, but I didn't because there was nothing TO post. The days I worked on Noa and the dreamland were in the middle of the week. I didn't change anything in the room, but in the red and white hallway, I created a little magic box. It's a small wooden chest right next to the wooden door ( not the apartment one ). If we ever need something that fits in the box, the magic box supplies it. In my wonderland, for some reason, things can't change unless that space where the change is happening is closed off. For example, when I added the couch to Noa's room, we had to walk out of the room and close the door to get it there. I think this is because my mind is very logical. Everything that happens in my mind needs to relate to real life, or it just can't happen. Back to the couch example, I know that I can't be looking at an empty space and suddenly a couch appears. That's not realistic, and I know that. Therefore, that can't happen in my wonderland either. Changes can't happen if I just turn around either. I have to leave the room. That fact will be tested later. Because of this, my magic box is handy, because it can be closed easily. Passive narrating is still hard for me. I keep forgetting to talk, or whatever is happening in real life is distracting. To counter that, I got a pair of headsets out of the magic box. It's like a gamer headset, with big fluffy ear covers and the mic thing that is small. Very similar to the Hatsune Miku one, if you need a visual. I gave one to Noa and I have the other one on my wonderland self. With that visualization, it's much easier to narrate to him, because I imagine it as a video game. Just because I'm playing the game doesn't mean I can't comment or talk to video game buddies. This sorta helps, but hopefully practice will make it even more easier to narrate. That's all I have to say for now.
  2. So I'm back for a new update! I'm going to try and make it a habit to update every day, or every other, because this is a progress report, and it won't be helpful if I don't put a lot of details that were fresh in my mind, so let's see how it goes. I've downloaded Eye bo, but only got the chance to use it twice. Nevertheless, it helped me focus A LOT and I'll most likely keep using it for Noa and I. A few days I didn't stick to my quota, but most days I did my determined time of active/passive forcing, and made slight progress. For a while, the way I talked to Noa was calling his name and narrating and sorta hoping that he can hear it. Well, that is no longer. A wonderland has been made! (Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs if the descriptions are too long.) First, whenever I want to active force with him, I visualize a black expanse universe thing, and there is a doorway about 30 feet away. The door is wood (I think it's oak, because it's light brown, but I don't know my trees) and the knob is metal and shiny black. The door opens towards me. On the door, there is a regular printer paper taped to the top half of the door hotdog wise, and it says in black marker "[My real name] (the "and" sign that looks like an upside down 4) Noa's Land of Wonder" and there's about five or six butterfly and flower stickers around the words. We created this sign about two days ago, in a room I'll describe in the later paragraphs. I wrote the words and put the stickers, but Noa was sitting down on the floor and watching me and it felt like he was "suggesting" what colors and stickers to use and what to write and where to put them, by this nudge-y feeling thing. Anyway, when I first imagined the door, I was feeling the door and the carvings and the knob and pushing on it, to work on visualization. I also kept walking backward and forward to see the door shrink and grow in perspective and distance. That part was hard, because I made it a conscious effort to change the size. It did not come naturally so I'm a bit sad. After that, I started knocking on it, to figure out my sounds, but whenever sounds are made, my throat forms into the way I would think the sound would be like, and it feels like the sound is coming from me whenever I imagine it, not from the door itself. I'm not sure whether this is natural or not, because I don't know whether all noises should come from me or not, and Noa himself is just the exception and makes noises by himself from himself. After the door is open, there is a long hallway that is also about 30 feet wide and there are square linoleum(?) tiles that are probably 6"x6" in red and white checkerboard patterns and they fill the floor, like a bathroom. Across the door I came from is a metal door, and very smooth. The walls are like the outside of a house, and like the kind that is rough and scratchy and if you scrub your hand against it, you would probably break skin type of wall. It's a creamy-ish pale-ish white. There is only one door for now, because I want to finish Noa's room before I expand to new homes/universes since I adventure/role play in my mind a lot. Hopefully we would be able to journey together and work on his personality and sentience more. Next to his door on the right is the address/household name holder plaque thing and it says "NOA". It's similar to a Japanese apartment, and I chose it because I am Japanese and so I thought that the plaque would be a good way to label houses instead of the paper sign on the original door. There is also a doorbell, which is just a small skinny hamburger wise rectangle, also white, and there is a circle in the middle. That's the button part. Of course, I did the touchy feely knocky thing to solidify my mind visualization. Beyond the apartment door is another hallway, which is the front door section, but it's about six feet long. Three feet in, there is a step, and the first feet are where shoes and things go. This is also Japanese-apartment-like. The tiles are smaller, about 1"x1" or 2"x2", and they are also creamy white. After the step, it is wood strips for the second half of the hallway. The front door leads to a brown-carpeted room. I'm not very good with lengths and distances, but the room is the size of my friend's living room, maybe about 25' x 35' ish. Also like my friend's living room, that is how Noa's room is set up. The hallway is on the left side of the room, so if I were to walk into the room, most of the room would be on the right. There is a small coffee table on the right side of the room, and more right of that is a couch, that is L shaped but backwards, like t_|. The lines are the couch, while the t is the table. I may sketch out the room later to post. This is the room where Noa and I did the sign making by the way. When I go and visit his house/room, he is usually on the couch just lying down, because he still doesn't move, though sometimes he is standing and leaning against the wall, which I hope is a sign of sentience, though it probably isn't. My normal routine (if he is on the couch) is to walk over and sit down on the floor, and hold his hand and talk. This way, I have more reassurance that he can hear me, compared to when I was talking and calling his name. And that is my wonderland report! Onto my progress with Noa. Sometimes he is blurry, sometimes he's not, and as I work on him more, he will hopefully become more clearer for me to see. His hair is short and red (sorta like ginger except less carroty-orange) and is really really slightly wavy. I spent a while just running my hands through his hair and pinching his ears haha. I can't tell his height, because he's not that complete yet. Mysterious Tulpa Occurrence Incident File #003 About a week ago I was reading a manga, and a scary face popped up. (I get scared very easily.) Then I decided to go to sleep, but that face kept staying in my brain and scaring me and I was very frightened. So then, I curled up and started calling Noa quickly as if I was praying. Then, a scene came into my head and a Noa-vibe-blob was fighting and beating up the person the face belonged to plus some other people that I don't remember. After that I became very calm. I have no idea if it truly was Noa or if it was just me making a scenario to soothe myself, but it was a nice incident. Sentience maybe? That's it! Sorry for the huge post to people who are reading this. I tried to space out and use paragraphs so a wall of text wouldn't overwhelm the readers.
  3. Ugh, haven't posted in a long time, but don't worry, I've been working hard, or trying to, anyway. School's out, and so I have plenty of extra time to focus on Kei! Apparently Kei is now Noa again, because calling him Noa became a habit for me. Also, no h at the end, because it sorta didn't feel right for his personality IDK. The last few days, I've been doing 2 sessions of 30 minute active forcing a day, and tried to do passive forcing for at least 2 hours throughout my day. It's been a hard time trying to spend time together with Noa, because when I narrate to him, my mind goes off on a tangent, thinking off of an idea connecting to what I just said, and I forget Noa entirely. I have to catch myself, and say "No, focus, you're talking to Noa." This happens frequently, so I'm thinking of listening to that special music thing people are using. The next topic: head pressures. I sometimes narrate in bed, and a few times, I got this weird feeling. So I was just talking, and then suddenly my brain felt like it was falling through the pillow! It was a crazy sensation, and every time it happened, I asked Noa if it was him, but I got no response. I think it was most likely NOT a head pressure, because it didn't feel like what people have been saying, I think. Here's another weird moment thing. So yesterday night, I was reading manga (Assassination Classroom) online and then I started reading the comments to a chapter. I remember there was an especially funny one, where the commentator was ranting about this one despicable guy, and the last line went something like "I've seen turds in my toilet bowl more gorgeous than him." That made me snort, because it's rare that I laugh like haha, but during that moment, I felt my brain swell(?) with some feeling, like a "WTF" type. I didn't hear the words specifically, but that bloaty, floaty feeling had that kind of vibe-ish? That befuddled me and I have no idea how to explain it, and also I don't know if that was what people would call an emotional response? Noa and I will keep working at it and hopefully have some progress at the end of this month.
  4. Welp, after some quick research, I have discovered that head pressures aren't supposed to hurt, apparently. Well shucks. About a few nights ago, I tried visualizing, and I got a really fuzzy vision of half of a boy's face. Therefore, Noa is changing to Kei, woot woot. Yes yes, it's not Noah, Kei suddenly came to mind (in a non tulpa way.) I got home from another unsuccessful attempt at passive forcing of school, and tried to do active forcing, and ended up taking an unplanned nap of two hours. Great. We did some book reading, but I read kiddy books so I'm pretty sure he didn't like it. Anyway, still no (noticeable) response from Kei, but I'll keep working harder since I feel like I haven't solidified him that well yet. Also, I did some personality inputting using very hard visualizing and concentration. So far, he's very one track minded, mature, a bit aggressive-y feisty-y, slightly on the quiet side, and he gets irritated quickly. He's more S than M, but he's not a total asshole. My goal is to at least spend 1 hour of active forcing with him per day, and I'm making 2 hours of passive equal to 1 hour of active, to try and equalize the amount of effort. I hope I can spend a lot more time with him during the summer, and I'll try to dedicate more time to fleshing(?) him out some more. I'm off to bed and I'll do my best to work on him while laying down a bit before I actually head to Dreamland, fingers crossed.
  5. I narrated as much as I could during school, and I THINK I got head pressure, but I wasn't sure. I got head pressure again, and so I said, "Hey Noa, I'm not sure if this is being dehydrated or you, so if it's you, could you please stop for a bit so I can check?" The pain promptly went away, but then I said, "Okay, you can go back to doing it then." but it didn't come back. So, I'm not sure if it was a coincidence or not, so I'll take it as no response from my tulpa for now.
  6. Last night I narrated in bed again and I got aches on my face/head, but I have no clue if it's head pressure or me crossing my eyes too hard. I tried to narrate during my day, I discovered that I can't think school things and narrate at the same time. Also no response from my tulpa that I could notice. There was not much development, but as a placeholder name for my tulpa, I chose Noa, easily able to put an h at the end if she turns out to be a guy. Of course, if she wants to choose another name altogether, it'll be fine. I'll try and make more progress tonight and tomorrow, practicing on visualizing and narrating while doing school.
  7. After much research, I made up my mind to create a tulpa, but I'm already having a few problems. I want my tulpa to be the way s/he chooses, so I haven't picked a form, name, or personality. The way I see it, I don't want to create a being, I want to create a life form that molds itself by itself, with me nudging it for help. That way, it's its own person. Is that a bad way to start? Should I decide on general things first, and let my tulpa choose what s/he prefers later? Also, I don't think I'm very good at visualizing. Using advice from someone (I forgot who), they said imagining a ball of light helps. But, when I try to do that, I feel as if I'm just crossing my eyes and focusing on nothing. Any heart to heart tips for that? As for my progress, I've started talking to my tulpa, about 45 minutes to 90 minutes so far, but is there a specific way to do it? I'm just saying words in my head, and I don't know if I should direct them to a certain point. Would talking aloud be more progressive than mind talking? Also, how will I know the difference between talking in my head to myself, or to my tulpa? Another thing that really confuses me. Yesterday night I was laying in my bed narrating. I didn't say much, the topic was pretty much about our future might be like and how my day was. Then, suddenly I heard the word "cucumber" pop into my brain. It surprised me, because my conversation hadn't come close to anything relating to cucumbers, so there was no reason I would have thought it. Also, there were no other abnormalities after that. Does that mean it was from my tulpa, or was it my sleep deprived brain doing whatever? I would appreciate any tips, comments, and advice to help me figure things out and get started. Anyway, I'm proud to share my journey with everyone here, and I hope to get some results in the next few days/weeks/months for me to post.
  8. My friend is also dating a trans, he calls them his "datefriend" Is it hard for you to imagine and visualize? Any tips on that? And how far did you go personality wise? You sound like you're having great progress!
  9. What if I'm terrible at imagining things? When I close my eyes, I can't create an entire scenery. Does that mean I should practice and try harder, or or does it mean tulpas just aren't for me?