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About Nihilo

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  1. Haha, we've been being really lazy about updating this the past few days. Nothing very interesting to report on, but bleh, I better keep a record anyway. The day after I last posted last we decided to mess around with communicating via head pressure, since we missed that stage and it sounded pretty interesting. It worked for the first... 5 seconds? Then I just got a headache. And we couldn't figure out who had caused it and who was keeping it going, so we couldn't stop it, and I had a nasty headache for the nest hour or so. So, umm, not much success on that one. The only thing I've gained from that is the ability to spontaneously give myself headaches (and there we go, I have one again). :[ After a day or so of messing around with that idea, we ended up trying to communicate without using words - which actually worked out very good! It's pretty awesome to be able to think 'think' at him without trying to put the thoughts into words. This way, we can have complex discussions that should take hours in just a couple of minutes, though there's a lot of room for misinterpretation and there's not a whole lot of refinement to it. Since then we've just been kind of mixing that up with words when they're necessary. Originally I thought that might make it harder for me to pick his thoughts out from my own, but honestly it doesn't seem any more difficult than usual. And on that subject, we've had so much progress with differentiating between my thoughts and his - it can still get fuzzy when I'm tired or not feeling well, but overall it's pretty damn easy to tell us apart. When I first started doing this I did kind of think he might just be some weird part of my imagination being weird. But now he just proves he's not whenever he talks to me. There's no automatically shared emotions or thoughts between us anymore, at all. His voice is completely different from mine, and from my daemon's too, so we can all talk at once and I won't be stuck trying to decipher who said what. He'll interrupt me when he wants to talk, even if I'm not thinking about him. There's a lot of things I love that he hates, and he's shown interest in some subjects I don't care about in the slightest (RIP me if he ever manages to get me to look into that crap for him). Honestly, I thought this kind of progress would take a lot longer, but I'm not complaining! I'm just happy for him, since this is what he wanted from the beginning. And since he doesn't need as much attention and concentration now, it's a lot easier for me too. We can just have a normal conversation, and we can say when we don't want to talk, and there's no hard feelings about it since he has a place to go and stuff to do, and I don't have to worry about 'losing' him. He still seems a little depressed sometimes. Mainly it's when I'm depressed, though, so I'm kind of wondering if it's some physical body thing. Depression isn't natural for either of us. And he is still sharing my brain, so I guess it makes sense that he'd still be subject to its weird malfunctions. We tend to just leave each other alone when we're feeling off, 'cause otherwise we end up arguing or just saying things we'll regret later. Mainly me, but he does it too. I guess we both still need time alone. Today while I was out walking my dogs we had a huge discussion about... stuff, I guess? It's interesting, because by his perspective everything about human society is just weird. He has his own "memories" of his canon - we both know they're not physically real, but they're real to him and define how he views the world and everything in it. Trying to explain the basics of human society to someone who doesn't have the innate cultural knowledge about it is really interesting. And difficult. But he find it fascinating (terrifying too, especially when we got onto the subject of weapons and war) and wants to learn more about it. I can't even imagine what human culture must seem like to an outsider. He half doesn't even believe its real. And to hear him talk about it, I completely understand where he's coming from. Somehow he managed to convince me that warrior dragon society is actually far more realistic and believable than what we've got going on here. I mean... cars? Internet? Planes, helicopters? Guns? It is bloody ridiculous. How do all of these things even exist. What is life. Aeo still doesn't like Khar at all, and refuses to refer to him as anything other than "the snake". Which I suppose it supposed to be an insult or something, but I don't think it's even possible to insult Khar. He literally doesn't care. Aeo seemed to think they had some kind of mutual rivalry going on or something, but Khar butted in while we were talking about it today and said he didn't care and had no opinion on the matter either way. Aeo then muttered to me about him being a bad influence, which Khar agreed with, and I was stuck trying to explain that he just had different opinions, and it was basically just a big cluster of mental brain drama which, when I step back and actually think about it, is kind of hilarious. I'm 99% sure Aeo is just acting his age and being jealous, while Khar in his limitless wisdom boundless apathy is not giving a damn at all. Which is just frustrating Aeo even more. He's actually quite adorable. SHUT UPPP! And now my monologue-ing gets constantly interrupted by these two dorks.
  2. Well, on the "actively supressing" part, I did that with Aeo for a while because honestly I just really didn't want to have to deal with any of this. His reaction was to become extremely depressed. He was just so... sad. Which, in turn, made me sad. And also made me feel like a terrible person. He never showed any anger or resentment for it though... actually, I think he understood how I felt, and that's why he was so upset about it. He's never held it against me, though. At all. Honestly, I don't think tulpas tend to be like that, even if they've been neglected for a while - unless they were made specifically to be that way, or were treated badly. It probably would be possible to make some terrifying, malicious rage monster, but I don't know how far anyone would get with that, and things like possession are entirely voluntary, so it's not like the tulpa could actually do anything physically. There's no way a 'good' tulpa could turn evil of its own accord. At least not that I know of.
  3. "Is this edible" while pointing at my laptop. I then had to explain to him what a laptop is. And also what internet is. And also what technology is. And also that none of it is edible.
  4. My mood's been a lot better today! I'm glad. Depression sucks. So, I dunno if today's been particularly "productive", but we were talking a lot this morning. I can't actually remember what we were talking about, but my memory is crap so I don't really expect any different. I started working on a drawing of Aeo - he helped me with it a little at first, then he got bored and wandered off. I guess art isn't his kind of thing. While doing that I realised that he is damn adorable and he started getting all defensive, it was hilarious. And I realised I've been imposing him too small; now he takes up almost my entire room, or at least his wings do. He stands about a metre tall at the shoulder, I think. I've also started picking up on a couple of personality traits I didn't realise he had. He's very caring and supportive, but doesn't seem to be a flatterer - he's actually genuine about it and gets annoyed when people (i.e. me) are being too hard on themselves; self pity drives him insane. He has a huge soft spot for animals, but tries to hide it. And, surprisingly enough, he's extremely sceptically-minded and down-to-earth. I never expected that from him, but I don't think it's a bad thing, even if it conflicts with my ridiculous open-mindedness and sort-of spirituality (or maybe especially because of that). He's not a liar or manipulative at all - actually, he's pretty blunt and a little harsh at times, but only when it comes to certain subjects. He's a little opinionated from what I can tell, too. It's interesting how he's ended up so different to me. And that he seems to have developed so much without me knowing about it. I've got to say, I'm pretty proud of the progress we've made so far. Nothing too ridiculously obvious or anything, but it does feel like we're getting somewhere, and it nice to get to know him a little better too.
  5. Bleh... I don't really feel like writing but we did some stuff so I guess I should probably make a record. Mainly we just had a long chat while I was walking my dogs. I've got to wonder if that counts as active or passive forcing since, on the one hand, I'm doing it while doing something else - but on the other hand, practically my entire focus was on him. And active forcing while not doing anything else isn't something I'm very good at. If I try to talk with him when I'm idle, it's hard to concentrate. I was thinking about it, too, and I don't think "forcing" is a good word for what we're doing. I'm not "forcing" anything - when I try to force myself to talk to him, or force him to talk to me, it feels fake. Almost like parroting, I guess. So I figure we won't "force" anything; we'll work on this when we feel like working on it, when it comes naturally to us, because doing otherwise just seems counterproductive at this point. I guess that's one difficult thing about starting from the middle: it's hard to figure out what's helpful and what's not. Most guides and stuff assume you're starting from the beginning, with nothing to work with. Fair enough, since that's most common. But it does make it hard to pick out things that would be actively useful for us, since we're not at the beginning but we're also not a the point where things like possession are relevant to us. We're kind of at some awkward middle-stage where he acts sentient, and seems to have free will, but our thoughts are still intrinsically mixed up into some weird mind spaghetti. I'd like to try talking out loud to him since I think that would help, but I don't want my family thinking I'm crazy - which they would. How do you explain semi self-induced multiplicity to your parents? Especially when the system mate is a dragon. Oh god, I cringe just thinking about it. Typing out our conversations seems like the next best thing, so we'll probably try that out when I'm feeling a little better. We were gonna go back to my wonderland today, but honestly it's getting late and I'm just not feeling up to it. Tomorrow, I guess. As an apology for being all miserable lately I gave him free reign of place until I get back. I'm kind of curious what he'll get up to. I just hope he doesn't make *too much* of a mess.
  6. What does your wonderland look like? A huge expanse of boreal forest, complete with wildlife; seems to be a mixture of both Eurasian and American, with flora and fauna from both continents. I don't think I could give an accurate size, but it's pretty damn big. There's not many notable landmarks besides the cottage, lake and 'Wolf Rock' (a kind of rocky outcrop where the local wolf pack hangs out), connected by dirt trails. The cottage is pretty sweet and cozy - there's a little kitchenette, bathroom (why tho), a spiral staircase that leads upstairs and decking out front. It's mostly empty right now because I'm never in there anyway. Outside of that there's the 'koi ponds', and I honestly don't know where those came from, but they're pretty nice I guess? There's a big, gnarled-looking oak surrounded by a pond, which is spanned by a bunch of small bridges intersecting at weird places. And the water's full of koi, though honestly I'm tempted to replace them with something more 'me'... like crocodiles. Or sharks. Or shark-crocodile hybrids. The lake's about a five minute drive from the cottage and pond, and it's huge. There's probably a monster living in there though. Idk my subconscious is weird. And the whole place is surrounded by mountains that I've tried to fly over, but I always end up waking up when I try. How long did you had it? Meh... 5 years? This one in particular I've had for around 2 years. What do you do with your Tulpa there? Idk, I've only been there with him once and that time I was just giving him a tour of the place. How vivid or real does it seem? Right now, not very, because it's been so long since I went there last. I'm working on it, though. Currently I'm just focusing on fixing the dimensions, stopping myself from teleporting everywhere and mapping the place so I have some idea where everything is. I'm going to try and go there once a day, so I'm hoping doing that regularly will help with the visualisation and stuff.
  7. Just stopping by to say we have achieved nothing at all today. I've been pretty down, and I don't want to expose him to that. I asked him this morning if it was okay for us to have a day off today, and he said it was. I just checked up on him now, and he basically just told me to quit worrying about him. At least I don't feel so bad about not talking to him now he's got a place to hang around in. I'm fairly sure he's eaten all my imaginary koi. He had this huge grin on his face when I asked him. RIP random dumb brainfish.
  8. Crap we were in there a long time. Like... almost an hour? It was fun. It's been so long since I've been there, I had trouble 'visualising' it properly - honestly it sort of felt like I was walking around with my eyes closed - but my sense of touch and hearing were working well enough, so we got by okay. I've revamped the whole place and it's now a hell of a lot bigger and more realistic. I also noticed there's a lot of new roads and trails that could do with some exploring. I should probably start mapping it at some point. I spent a lot of time just giving Aeo a tour of the place. I've given him freedom to fill the cabin with whatever he wants 'cause I'm never in there anyway. While we were in there I spent a little while just visualising him, but our surroundings fell apart for a while after I stopped concentrating on them, so I guess that's something I'll have to work on. Went outside and showed him the koi pond I somehow ended up with - it's real nice, but I don't think I could explain what it's like, I'll have to draw it. Told him not to eat the fish, but he probably will anyway. Summoned up a truck and went for a drive down to the lake (it took a little convincing to get Aeo on the thing, but I was driving pretty slow so he was fine). The lake's changed a lot. It used to be more like a glorified pond, but now it's huge. And really beautiful. I told him not to swim in there, 'cause there's always been a monster in that lake for some reason. My dreamplace has always had a lake, and there's always been a thing in it, and I have no clue what it is.
  9. Yeah, I'm a forgetful derp so I might end up updating this multiple times a day. Just 'cause otherwise I'll end up missing stuff out. Plus it'll remind me to keep working on this. We've just been doing some passive forcing throughout the day. We're planning on doing some active forcing once I'm done writing this - I'm thinking we'll go back to my long-abused and ignored 'wonderland'. Ha, I can't help but put wonderland in these things ''... it just seems like a weird thing to call it I guess? Mine's more like a dreamscape pieced together from the rubble that is my subconscious, and I've had it for years, though it's been revamped a couple of times. We'll probably fix some things up while we're there. Maybe redecorate a little. Do some gardening. Idk. I do actually have something worthwhile to write here, though! When Aeo first appeared, he had complete access to my memories, which was damn disorientating sometimes since he'd sometimes reference something he didn't actually know about or understand, and then he'd be confused and I'd be confused and it was just weird. So, idk, yesterday I told him he wasn't allowed to do that anymore and even did a little symbolic thing in my head with a door closing, shutting all my memories in - I didn't expect it to work, but it was worth a shot, right? Well, it did work. Maybe too well. He now has no access to my memories at all, which means yesterday I was stuck trying to explain what 'government' means so I could help him understand a story I was reading. IT WAS HARD. How do you even explain that to a teenage dragon? xP But it also lead to some fun conversations, like today while I was walking my dog when I was explaining to him what an aeroplane is. I say 'explaining' - I more just showed him a bunch of mental images and sounds, gave him a little mental tour of a plane, told him what they're for. It was nice, teaching him stuff like that. He was so interested in it. Though he also thinks our world is crazy and weird (I don't blame him, he's right). Idk what it is about talking to him today, but I really enjoyed it. I think this is the first time I've ever really seen the appeal of tulpamancy - he's just so... innocent. He was upset earlier, but he perked up pretty quick once we got talking. I think it's just... well, I think it partially existential stuff that's getting to him, and honestly idk what to tell him when it comes to that kind of thing. I'll help him keep existing, but he's got to find his own meaning in it, I think. And I know it's also partially because I've been neglecting him for so long, but I think he can see that I'm making an effort here. I hope so. So, that's my rambling done for now. I might be back later if anything interesting happens while we're off in my brain. Honestly I'm just kind of curious how well I'll be able to get back there... it's been a while.
  10. Aeo is a 3-and-a-half metre long green dragon. He's a mirror, one of the breeds on the game Flight Rising. I could sit here describing him for how long, or I could try and draw him - or I could cheat and just show you this. And Khar switches between different snake forms, but is usually either a red-tail boa or a retic, since those seem to fit my personality best.
  11. So, I guess I should start out by saying - I didn't consciously create my tulpa, and given the choice I would never have made him in the first place, and honestly if it wasn't murder to just let him fade away at this point then that's probably what I'd do. I first read about tulpamancy, I thought it sounded pretty cool, but not the sort of thing I'd be interested in - I'm allergic to responsibility, so having some other person living in my head that I'd have to look after for the rest of my life didn't really appeal to me. Still doesn't. But none of this is his fault, it's mine, and he shouldn't have to suffer for it. I actually joined up here because he asked me to. He says he feels "fuzzy" and he doesn't like it. Right now, my outlook on this is somewhere between "I literally have no choice" and "god I'm never having kids". But I think we can turn this around. It'll just take a little getting used to, and a little work. So... I guess formal introductions are in order! Name: Aeolus (tentative, but he chose it and seems to like it) Age: 10 to 15, I'm not entirely sure since it seems to change depending on his mood Species: Wind-element mirror dragon Appearance: about 3.5 metres long with a roughly 3m wingspan; quite stocky and short-legged, with a long whip-like tail. Sitting, he's a little bigger than a giant breed dog. His body is dark green, with bright green wings and underbelly (if anyone here plays FR, he's jungle bar / leaf facet / leaf underbelly... we actually just figured that out yesterday after derping around in predict morphology for a bit). Personality: either fluid or very complex, but I'm treating it as the latter. On a good day, he's very bouncy, inquisitive and kind of hyperactive - never shuts up or stops moving. But I think it's a mask, or maybe escapism, or something. Like he's just trying to put a good face on things. Sometimes he'll have a couple of days where he doesn't talk much at all, and sometimes I can't reach him entirely. He acts curious, but I think he's scared. And maybe depressed. Which is my fault, and I feel like crap about it, but the only thing we can really do now is try and work through it ... We've been passively forcing since we joined up here a few days ago - I had him around for over half the day yesterday, which was an achievement for someone who's as forgetful and easily distracted as I am. xP We're going to see how long we can keep this up, but I'm a complete introvert and still need my alone time, and time with my daemon, so I guess I'm going to end up just splitting up my time and trying not to get overwhelmed or too stuck in my own head. He's been kind of... vague... the past day or so. I don't know what it is, he just seems really 'distant' somehow, like I'm trying to talk to him but we're a mile apart. He doesn't know why either. Maybe it's my mood, maybe it's his, idk. I don't like it though. Talking to him with any clarity is hard enough on a good day, and right now he's getting drowned out by my random intruding thoughts, so it's difficult to tell if it's him talking or not. We've never had this problem before, but I guess we'll just try to work through it. I've been reading through a couple of the guides on here, just trying to figure out how we're going to make any progress with this - they're all very helpful, but it's difficult trying to figure out where to start. I talk to him as much as I can, and I usually... uh, what do tulpamancers call it? Imposition, right? Yeah, I usually impose him too, which is something that comes naturally to me since I've been doing it with my wildly shapeshifting daemon for over two years now. But I haven't done any 'active forcing' (I've been procrastinating about it...) and I'm thinking we should probably go revisit my old 'wonderland' and hang out there (man it's been months since I've been there) but finding time and motivation for these things is difficult... especially the motivation part. I could be doing that right now, but instead I'm writing this. :/ Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I was going to let Aeo say a little something on here, but he doesn't seem to want to. He's actually just... staring at a wall right now. When I tried to talk to him, he just grunted. Hope he's okay. :c
  12. Well, hi! I'm Nihilo and I'm 17 years old. I first learned about tulpas... about two years ago I think? I read about it on the Daemon Forum, and did a little research into it out of curiosity. I thought it sounded interesting, but it's never been the kind of thing I've been actively interesting in trying out, and I still feel that way. However, I do seem to have ended up with a... hitchhiker... somehow. He's an adolescent mirror dragon, and I'm fairly sure he stemmed from one of my dragon OCs, but he's not really anything like them. And... well, I admit, I tried to ignore him for a long time because, well, I don't particularly want anyone else living in my head. But after a while I ended up talking to him. Since then we've had a few long chats, and I've set out some 'ground rules' which he's still working on following - but I figure, since he's here already and "getting rid of him" would practically be murder at this point, that we don't really have much choice but to try and work something out. I know I sound pretty negative about this... well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, but I'm hoping we can both get something positive out of this once we've set up some boundaries. Hell, maybe I'll even start liking having him around? I couldn't stand my daemon at first either. So here's hoping this ends well! So, yep, the other guy hanging around in here is my dae, Khar. I've had him around for over two years now. We're currently messing around with snake forms, if anyone's interested in that kind of thing. A little about me: I'm a tundra wolf therian, celestial demon and dragonkin. I'm pretty laid-back and open-minded, but I can be a little angsty about things out of my comfort zone (i.e. this). I love animals, and hope to get a job in animal care once I've finished college; right now I own two dogs and a ball python. I spend way too much of my time playing browser games online, and I'm kind of obsessed with webcomics and WTNV. :3