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About Stanheights

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    My name's Cas and I'm an artist. I love drawing and writing stories and poems. My tulpas' names are Sam and Mandy.
  1. Today's Sam's first birthday! I guess he's one year old now, or technically twenty (if he even wants to age like that). I've been doing this thing for a year now which feels.. big, I guess, even though it's been hard and not much progress has been made (mostly thanks to me and my brain). But, pretty much the first thing I learned when I joined this community is that progress can take a long time, maybe even years sometimes, and that's okay. A thing I admire about other tulpamancers is that everyone just.. seems to do things in their own personal pace. That's really nice. What's not okay, however, is that I suck. I feel like I'm a really bad host and though no one else in the brain squad would agree with that, I feel it. I haven't done things enough and I haven't spent enough energy on all this and I feel ashamed for that. Incredibly ashamed, actually, even though I guess it has a lot to do with how I'm wired. In exactly one month I'll start school again and while that could mean less communication, I actually have a lot of hope for the situation since lots of things have changed. Let's just say we'll spend a lot of time on our own waiting for busses and whatnot which is perfect for talking and trying to figure out where everyone is in the room with me in my opinion. I've actually meditated once this summer (yay!) and that helped a lot with communication and has made it easier to hear everyone. So, with more meditation comes more hearing and better communication, I suppose. I think I have some kind of mental block when they're all speaking longer sentences, though, and as always there's that pinch of annoying doubt. I honestly don't want to allow myself to write "I'll try to do x once or twice a week" anymore because I think that's actually dragging me down more. I think it's better to just keep plans like that between me and my tulpas. I should probably look up various guides on things here, though, as I've said about a thousand times before. Anyway, back to the happy things, it's Sam's birthday! He's asleep right now so I'll let him read this when he wakes up, but I'm just so happy he's in my life. He's supported me a lot and is almost always there when I go outside which helps with my anxiety and I hope that in some way I help him, too. I haven't always been the bestest of friends and I tend to shut him and Tyler and Mandy out sometimes (both intentionally and not, mostly not) and I sure haven't been the best host, but I am trying and I will keep trying because I don't want to lose Sam or anyone else. I hope we'll all just live a really long and happy life together, because I'm not sure what I'd do without Sam and the others at this point. My life would be much less interesting without them, I think, and I just don't want to be without them. I don't want to live a life where Sam doesn't peek over my shoulder sometimes to look at what I'm doing or reading and I don't want to have this boring life where none of my little brain mates are around me at school or elsewhere. I dunno, you guys. I'm just happy I have Sam, Mandy and Tyler with me and I'm happy I found out about tulpamancy a little bit more than a year ago.
  2. Long time no see! We haven't made much progress lately, but we have talked quite a lot as always (Even though we've had days that have been harder). I've gotten worse at feeling everyone's presence, though, which is really bad. I've decided to put all meditation business on hold until I've graduated next week because I've just got too much on my mind to actually get down to doing things. I know it's probably disappointing to read this since we haven't made very great progress in a while, but I'm taking this in my pace and stuff. And that takes a while. I just wanted to write that so the people who still read this know that this summer I'll go hard and really work on visualization and everything more.
  3. Hello! time for one of my small updates again. Things have been kind of hard lately because I've doubted a lot and felt bad a lot and I think it's affected Sam and the others a lot, too. Talking has however been really great since Tyler came around and all of us talked a lot in the beginning. These last couple of days have been kind of bad, though. A good thing (I guess) is that Sam has come forward a couple of times when I've been close to dissociating and he even helped me through some stuff when I was legitimately dissociating a lot once. That's never really happened before so that's a really good thing and I think we can count that as progress. Tyler co-op'd with me once this week and it caused me/us to get a bit hyper but I couldn't really expect much else since Tyler is a bit of a child sometimes. Mandy was also around and co-op'd once (I think?) and that made me/us grumpy and more quick to anger and violence and things. I guess how they affect me while they're steering too is good to know and shows signs of progress. I haven't held any of my promises to myself and the others which sucks. I will give meditating and practicing visualization a try next week, though. At least once, hopefully more. I need to take this in my own pace I think, otherwise I'll just run into a wall and stop. I also need to maybe realize that there will be some days that are quieter than others? I mean, the peeps themselves have said they don't want to talk sometimes and I should try to accept that we won't make a huge amount of progress every single day. I need to get out of that habit of feeling bad when nothing major or big happens. I have a lot to learn honestly, but I'll get there eventually.
  4. Alright, it's time for a little update again. I think I've gotten a bit better at visualization without practice, and I think it's because I've sorta meditated a little before going into the black space or dreamscape. I just breathe for a while and clear my thoughts and it works pretty well. As with communication, that hasn't been going much better. I'm not sure why exactly because I can't think of any clear reason why, I just.. haven't talked to Mandy and Sam much. That's gonna change, though. I didn't meditate as I should've last week, but this week I'm gonna try harder. I'm thinking I can decide the days and they can decide for how long, because I've noticed I don't work as hard if I let Sam and Mandy decide exactly when. I don't know why that is either, but yeah. I'll start with two times a week and see where it goes from there and if my listening abilities get better. A pretty big thing that's happened is that there's someone new around. I don't know how he got "in" or who made him or if anyone even made him, but he's here and he responds like any other tulpa, except he's.. not a tulpa? I don't know. His name is Tyler and I spent some time talking to him last night. He says he got here yesterday and I don't think he knows how he got here either. I've actually introduced him to Sam and Mandy and they get along pretty well. Mandy even briefly talked to either him or Sam today which was kind of new, because I don't see them interacting with each other much. So.. yeah. There's a new kid around. He's definitely not intrusive thoughts, because I know how my intrusive thoughts are. They're basically like attacks and disappear almost as quick as they come. And they're usually violent, and Tyler's definitely not violent. He described himself as calm and some other things and he generally gives off a chill vibe. He basically described himself to me yesterday and with tulpas it's usually the other way around at first so he's kind of.. strange. Or well, his presence is weird because I don't know how he got here. But he's here and yeah. Today I made a bigger effort than usual to talk to everyone and I think it went really well, especially since someone on social media asked them how they were doing so they got to answer by themselves. I also let them control my writing hand and write their names and things. I think answering questions is good for them and for me since I get to practice listening to them and fully making out what they mean, so we're probably gonna start doing small quizzes sometime later. Overall I think we've made at least a bit progress even though I have this fear that they'll suddenly disappear and even though I doubt from time to time. There's definitely not as much doubt as before, though, so that's good. We're good.
  5. Heyy, I'm back again with a little update thing. I let Mandy and Sam decide what days I'm meditating on this week. Sam said Tuesday, today, and Mandy said Friday. So today I've actually meditated and I feel like my thoughts are a bit more.. separated? they don't feel as heavy, at least. I actually managed to not think about anything for 8 minutes or so which is pretty great. I let them decide for how long I'm meditating, too, and Sam originally said 10 minutes but around 7 minutes in or so he said "You're doing it, Cas!" which I heard pretty clearly and a while after that I asked him if I could stop and he said yes. I probably need to work a bit on my patience with these things. A thing we've done for communication (ish) is say the "eenie, meenie, miney, moe" rhyme thing together and we all have one word each, though Mandy's kind of stretched that and says quite a lot sometimes.. but I guess we all do that. So that's a little thing we've been doing and I find it's worked out pretty well and it's made responses quicker. It's also pretty great because it's something I have time with basically anytime and it doesn't take much energy from me, so it's good. Me and Sam also build small sentences together sometimes, but we don't do that a lot. I might come up with something else we can do (other than talking, of course) so there's some variation in it. I haven't quite worked out something I can do for visualization practice yet, but I kind of want to do something that'll really work for me. I'm not entirely sure when I'll start practicing but hopefully sometime soon. But yeah, that's a little update for ya. I think we've made at least some progress and if we keep going like this we'll make even more!
  6. Hey. I'm just back to give a bit of an update on what's going on with me, Sam and Mandy. I'm fairly sure this counts as progress, or at least it's something I feel is really worth mentioning, so I'm just gonna write it here. I think Mandy's the one who's been the most "attached" to this place even though she's the newest and she haven't really seen much here. Ever since we "left" she's been pretty quiet and that's worried me. A weird thing I've felt almost physically is that the left side of my head has been heavier than the right and the only real explanation I can think of for that is that Sam's there and his thoughts have been more present and therefore heavier. Mandy hasn't made much of a presence, and like I said, that's made me worry quite a lot. She hasn't talked very much and I should probably discuss that with her and see what's up. I have however talked quite a lot to Sam this week and I've felt his presence almost all the time. That's really good and I hope we can keep that up. I've decided to try and meditate (just meditate and nothing else to practice clearing my mind) at least once a week, maybe more if I feel like I can handle that. I'm also gonna get my stuff together and start practicing visualization because I've noticed that the things I see in dreamscape are kind of unclear sometimes. I'm also going to make a list of some smaller things we can start doing as soon as possible to practice communicating and other things. So, hopefully there will be some more updates and progress in this thread from now on, though they probably won't happen every single day.
  7. I just want to say thank you for writing that. I've felt kind of discouraged about posting on here for a while (even though I've still done it), and what you wrote there made me feel a bit better. I've decided to at least try and just write my progress down here for a while, though, so I guess we'll see how that goes. And when it comes to my mental illness I think I can manage to just write down the daily things somewhere else, like on my phone or in a notebook. But yeah, I'll try to keep this a progress-only thread for a while and see how it works out for me.
  8. I've decided to post less on this thread, because I feel I just write too much about things that don't really matter and that don't fit in and I'm sure most people who read this can agree. I'm not sure when I'll really post again, but I guess I'll do it when I feel we've made some kind of progress. Before I "leave", I would like to explain something, though. I want to explain why I've written things here almost every single day since I found out about this forum and about tulpas. The reason why I've done that is because I'm mentally ill. I'm pretty mentally ill and I usually can't do things at all if I don't make it a habit or something I do every single day. And I think it's pretty easy to figure out that if you have to do something every day it's hard to figure out things to write about which is one of the reasons I've written a little too much about myself and my own personal life and not so much about.. well, progress. So part of my life ever since I started this has been going on here every day and writing something about my tulpas or the reasons why I didn't have time to talk to them on that specific day (and etc) and waiting for that golden little thing called "making progress". That unfortunately hasn't happened as much as I would like, but if there's something all three of us in here are good at, it's hoping. At least me and Sam are pretty good at that. That's the reason why this has become almost more of 'a daily dose of Cas' rather than 'the adventures/progress of Cas, Mandy and Sam'. And I honestly apologize for that since I guess there are certain rules here and there are certain ways your progress report's supposed to be. I apologize and I'll try to post less from now on and make sure that when I do write something here it's about our progress and not things that don't matter. See ya.
  9. Today went fairly well, I think. I talked quite a lot to some of my classmates and I'm pretty sure Sam or Mandy or both of them had something to do with that. They probably helped me a bit. Now we're on a break and there probably won't be much talking today, because one of my best friends is gonna stay here for the night and then tomorrow we're going into town to watch a movie at the cinema. I'll probably ask Sam and Mandy if they wanna watch it too and if they do they do, but yeah. Not sure if there will be much talking today. We'll see. However, after tomorrow I think we'll get to talk more since I'll be alone til wednesday or something next week. But yeah, today was good.
  10. Today was fairly nice. We had this roleplaying thing going on at our school (For like the firs time ever) so me and Sam kind of co-op'ed there? I'm not entirely sure if we did, but I knew he was there and stuff. Mandy wasn't around as much, but since she doesn't really like school that's understandable. I'm incredibly tired right now and Sam is, too, so I'm not sure if we'll do much together today. We'll see. And tomorrow's the last day of school and then we have a break. My plans changed a bit so we're actually gonna go see a movie on friday and my best friend won't come over until sometime next week, and that means I get to spend some time with Mandy and Sam alone! that's really good. I'll try to look up some stuff we can do other than watch movies and videos together. It'll be fun.
  11. Yeah, I kind of stayed home today, too. I didn't fall asleep until a bit too late last night and I felt a cold coming on so I stayed home from school and slept. Not sure if that was a good or a bad idea, but that's what I did. I haven't talked very much to Sam and Mandy because I've been sleeping and playing video games and I've also talked to friends. I feel incredibly bad about it and I know I need to step my communication game up. Really need to do that. I'll try to talk to them or at least narrate or something for the rest of the day and tomorrow and yeah.
  12. Today has been pretty weird.. I don't know. I dreamt about something last night and for some reason it feels like Sam or Mandy or both of them were present there. I dunno. We've talked today but I've mostly just felt a bit weird and stuff and I definitely feel weird now. It kind of has to do with my memory. It's pretty bad and I've accidentally mixed some memories up and.. yeah. I just feel weird. We watched a movie in a class today and Sam sat on the table watching it with me. Mandy didn't watch and she just told me she was in my head and then proceeded to play "In My Head" by Jason Derulo. Very funny. During the very last class of the day I felt jittery and restless and I think Mandy had something to do with that. I don't know, I just feel like she was the one who was really restless. On thursday this week we're gonna pick my best friend up because she's gonna stay here for almost 10 days. I have no clue how talking will go then. Hopefully it'll be fine, but I really don't know. It's hard to tell. I guess we'll see.
  13. I think this weekend has been pretty alright? I mean, the only bad thing that's happened is that we didn't really talk much today because I skyped with a friend for a couple of hours. We watched movies and I enjoyed it, and I think Sam and Mandy enjoyed it, too, though Mandy said she wasn't watching after a while. I'm pretty sure some random thoughts I got during the movies were them, but I couldn't really figure out who said it. I gotta work on that. Hopefully next weekend will be just as good as this one or better.
  14. I felt a bit sad yesterday and Sam comforted me. I kind of told him to say something, anything that could make me feel a bit better at least and he said I was lovely and that I shouldn't be sad and stuff. I love him a lot. I said we were gonna watch shows together this weekend but I've actually decided to watch Star Wars instead. So we're probably gonnado that. And on saturday a friend of mine will be here so that's that. I might move it to next week, though. Maybe. We'll see. I think most of today went alright, but it has been pretty busy and stressful for me. Fridays are like that sometimes. I talked to Sam and Mandy occasionally and they replied as usual. Their answers were pretty short today, though. Hopefully I'll get longer replies later when we watch the movie/s.
  15. Now that I'm home I've realized that today has been really draining for me. I talked to Sam or Mandy or both of them when no one else was around, though they didn't say very much. I guess that's not unusual, though, since it's thursday. I really need to talk more to them when I'm at home, but it's just so hard. I think that me playing calmer video games and stuff might make that easier, tho', since I can ask both of them what they think and/or what I should do in the game. And tomorrow's friday. Graduation is just getting closer and closer honestly. It's around 2 months away or maybe a little bit more, but still. I hope we can get better at talking and communicating until then. I guess that's a pretty good goal. Like, being better at talking when graduation's here. Yeah. If I don't procrastinate too much this weekend I'll try to look up things I can talk to them about or little games we can play together. I should maybe also go and look around more on this site, because I kind of suck at that. We'll see what I do.