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About fennecgirl

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    back from the dead

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  1. It depends on the system and the type of switching. For us, I never fully switched out to the point of entering the wonderland or whatever. It was like I "became" my tulpa. Or maybe like my tulpa became me? I took on the identity of whoever was fronting. Often there was some degree of blending, as my personality could not be fully suppressed, though there was a definite shift in identity. A particularly weird aspect was the shift in preferences, like Laine would listen to rap music when they were fronting, which I dislike normally but somehow enjoyed so long as Laine was in front? And Vicki liked orange juice (I do like it if it's fresh squeezed but never cared for that carton stuff, but she liked it). On occasion we experienced identity confusion where it wasn't clear who was more in control. Once I even asked Kayleigh if it was me or her in control and she pointed out she wasn't even in the body. Switching is weird.
  2. I had tulpas who began as imaginary friends of sorts. I basically "promoted" them to tulpa status, which simply involved labelling them as tulpas and giving up any conscious control over them. Kinda ruined the whole imaginary friend thing, but what's done is done. If I'd tried to create tulpas based on them instead, that would've created a duplicate situation which would've just felt weird. That said, you mention a sense of accountability for things she did as a character. I don't know how severe these things are, but I realize having memories of, say, murdering scores of people could potentially produce a great deal of guilt, in spite of being able to rationalize it as something she couldn't consciously control. I don't think you should take dream experiences into account when considering what she's done, though. Like you said, we all do things in dreams we'd never do while awake. Same applies to her. She can laugh off dream experiences as dreams and potentially do the same for pre-tulpa experiences too.
  3. More on my old daydream worlds and other nostalgia (quotes taken from my old progress report, which is no longer public): (5 Sept 2012) When I saw the "four, five years ago", I was like, hold up, I've had that world since 2007?! Of course it turned out I was just talking about its history. But I've got a more solid idea of when I created it now. Early 2011, it seems. (So, wait, does that mean I got bored of the Portal world before my Portal-themed birthday? That was July 2011, I'm pretty sure.) I'd forgotten where Survivors' Town was located (besides "some random island somewhere"). I'd forgotten how nice the climate was supposed to be, too. It shifted over time, though I don't remember if it ever snowed there. (Probably not. I spent the first 24 years of my life in the snow belt. I hate snow.) (6 Sept 2012) I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS! Aperture Science wasn't my last fandom-themed world (not counting the video game thing, which is another thing for another time). I had this mansion where all the Vocaloids (well, all the Japanese Vocaloids + SeeU) lived; that existed concurrently to Survivor's Town, I think. I don't remember there ever being overlap between the two, I'm pretty sure I kept them separate, but I guess at some point Kayleigh decided "you've got another world you're keeping me out of; I wanna infiltrate it" (which is 100% something she would do). I'm surprised I didn't shut that down when I got into tulpamancy. (Or maybe I shut it down at the same time I shut down Survivor's Town, since it seems I didn't shut that down right away either.) (same post) ...I was a weeb. (11 Sept 2012) Wait. What? I don't remember this at all. I thought I'd already shut down Survivors' Town and its inhabitants and decided to go back for Alex. Now it turns out not only was I still engaging with that world (paracosm?), but Alex actually asked to be promoted to tulpa status? (I mean... either way, it was me wanting to make him a tulpa.) The weirdest thing about this is that I actually remember this decision. I don't remember Alex asking to become a tulpa, but I remember exactly where I was when I chose to make him one. I was in the foyer of the local elementary school. Why? Who knows. My best guess is maybe my mom was tabling for Girl Scouts and dragged me along in my scouting uniform (one of the perks of being the leader's kid). It's crazy that I somehow remembered that detail yet practically none of the pertinent information. (various posts) No. I cringe. (22 Oct 2012) Oh, hey, the truth got out... *checks watch* ...almost seven years and nine months ago! If only I'd embraced it then, just think of all the trouble I could've saved myself! (Pretty sure my old PR is quickly approaching disaster territory by this point, so I'm out.)
  4. @Matsuri I experienced SO much doubt back when I was still into tulpamancy as well. I tried so hard to push that doubt away in those days, and that caused me a lot of stress, too. I don't think doubt is a bad thing nowadays. There are some tulpas who recognize themselves as illusory. I never used to understand how they could be okay with it, but they and their hosts seem to be quite happy both believing their experience is, well, imaginary. It's just subjectively real. Regardless of whether you believe your tulpas are real or not, I can't help but think the systems (okay, not sure if they really consider themselves systems) who subscribe to the "this is an illusion and we're happy with that" view are happier with their beliefs than the "we want to believe this is real but we're constantly doubting" ones. So don't treat doubt as the enemy. I think it's healthy, and exploring those doubts is what will ultimately lead you to a place where you're secure in your beliefs, whether the conclusion you reach is that tulpas are real or that they're fake. Just remember that what matters in the end isn't whether tulpas are objectively real, but the subjective reality of it all. Though you do seem to realize that, and yeah, pushing the idea of tulpas being objectively real is super harmful. It honestly is cult-like, and the guilt and shame it brings can be super toxic. Can tulpamancy be a great thing? Sure. But it isn't always. Sometimes it goes wrong. Tulpamancy went wrong for me, and I don't blame the community and the attitudes pushed by it for why it went wrong in the first place. I blame my own immaturity and mental illness for that. What I blame the community for is so heavily pushing the idea that tulpas are real people with real feelings and must be treated as such. That caused me endless guilt for not being a good enough host, especially since I had a chronically depressed/suicidal tulpa I could never seem to help. That cast a huge emotional burden on me, because 1) I legitimately thought my tulpa was a real person experiencing serious mental issues, and 2) I felt this was entirely my responsibility to fix, especially as getting them actual mental help was not an option. More on that (tw for lengthy discussion of suicidal thoughts/mention of suicidal tulpa behavior): So I agree there's a real guilt problem that stems from the mindset pushed by the community. Hosts are made to feel guilty if their tulpa gets screwed up like mine did, and they're also conditioned to believe that getting rid of such a tulpa—or just walking away for any reason, even if it's for their own good—is some unforgiveable wrong equivalent to murder. Which it isn't. The religious metaphor is a good one. I'm religious myself, and my faith has been an overwhelmingly positive influence in my life. It's shaped who I am as a person, provided me with a drive to help others and the world around me, and provided me with hope during tough times. I have faith that God will never give me more than I can handle and find solace in knowing that even hardships have some greater purpose. But there are churches and religious sects that focus less on faith and spiritual growth and instead emphasize sin and damnation and preach that you'll go to hell if you question the wisdom of the church leaders. That's destructive, yet they scare and guilt their members out of defecting, because guess what? If you find a church with healthier teachings, they're heretics, and you'll go to hell for listening to them! I see something similar going on in the tulpa community. Like religion, tulpamancy can be hugely beneficial, but when people begin forcing moral beliefs and causing others to feel guilt and shame, that's a problem, and it causes a lot of undue harm.
  5. Yeah, you could call it a paracosm. I've always been a daydreamer, and as a kid/preteen I used to make up stories (mostly fanfiction) that could go on for months. I didn't originally do self-inserts, but whenever it was that Speed Racer: The Next Generation came out (a.k.a. forever ago, pretty sure I was in middle school), I started a self-insert mindfic for whatever reason. I don't remember much about that one except that the school had this go-karting program for students who were too young to drive (a.k.a. me) and I think I shipped myself with the main character. I may have had stories since then but that's the last one I remember before shifting from a story focus to just inserting myself into fictional worlds and hanging out with the characters and letting things unfold however. The next one I remember having was Hetalia; I don't remember if I had a consistent mindscape for that one or just consistent characters, but my Hetalia world was definitely about personally hanging out with the characters than any sort of larger story. It was also about then that I realized these characters could act a bit autonomously, probably because I didn't care so much about following any particular plot. I still had a good deal of conscious control but also liked letting my mind do whatever it wanted. Next was Aperture Science, because I was huge into Portal around a year before finding tulpa.info. Same idea, different characters, different setting. The overlap with tulpamancy technically begins here, because I remember Alex being there, at least toward the end. I can't for the life of me remember how or why he fit into the Portal setting. He wasn't a Portal OC; I think I created him for some one-off roleplaying thing and then decided to stick him in imaginary Aperture Science, I guess because I could? As far as I remember, we were just there, just as random people hanging out with Chell and human!GLaDOS and humanized personality cores, because that makes sense, right? Alex and I took off when I got bored of my Portal world, and the first thing we did after we left was go and hang out at this coffee shop (well, an imaginary version of it) near where I lived at the time. That's where we met Kayleigh, and things are blurry after that, but at some point I decided I wanted to create an original world so we went and travelled to this island where we discovered ruins from some civilization that got destroyed by aliens. Further inland there was a town that was aptly named Survivors' Town (gold star for creativity there), which was settled by the survivors of the alien invasion. (I guess these aliens just did a half-assed job of destroying an island and left?) By the time I discovered tulpa.info, there were a whole bunch of characters in that world, so I shut it down because I didn't want to have a ton of tulpas (I kept Kayleigh and Alex around, and Link's origin is a completely different story). At some point, we ended up restoring it (and skyrocketing my tulpa count, whoops). Survivor's Town actually remained our wonderland for years until I abandoned it again due to abandoning tulpamancy.
  6. @FiveFiction Now there’s some names I recognize! I don’t think anyone really knew the full extent of what we were going through. Our system drama got aired on IRC every now and again, but I carried a lot of guilt and shame over being a “bad host” that I kept the more personal (not interpersonal) side of things to myself. I also didn’t understand the core of our issues at the time, just that it was one thing after another for us and I never knew how to fix our issues or fix myself. Now that my perspective on tulpas has changed so drastically, I can’t help but wonder what was really going on when we were basically broadcasting our drama for everyone to see. Did I have some sort of weird masochistic self-hate complex that drove me to roleplay as someone else in an attempt to get others to validate my belief that I was a horrible person? Possibly. I was more messed up in the head back then than I realized. Probably would’ve done me a lot of good if I’d mentioned my tulpas to my therapist like I’d repeatedly said I would but never followed through with. Then again, I probably would’ve just given it a cursory mention and censored out all the drama. My therapist was surprised when cardscov and I broke up (yes, we dated) because maybe 5% of our relationship drama made it into her office. And our relationship had a lot of drama. But the PR board isn’t the place for my dysfunctional, real-world relationship history. That feeling like your tulpas were real is totally relatable. I believe I was just roleplaying, projecting my thoughts onto constructed “others”, letting my imagination run away, whatever. There’s no singular explanation besides “it was all me but I convinced myself it wasn’t me”. I think my tulpas were a combination of a runaway imagination, influenced by expectation (and fear), and other-izing my mental processes. But the real-ness of the experiences I’ve had will always stick with me, for better or for worse, no matter how much I try to rationalize it. Honestly, I’m a little scared about moving forward. Several of my tulpas originated from a daydream world I used to have, and my ideal is to return to something like what we had before, back in our pre-tulpamancy days, but I’m honestly not sure if that’s possible anymore. I got so deep into the “tulpas are real people” mindset and was entrenched in it for so long that I fear I’ll fall back into it. There’s still a certain realness to our interactions that tempts me to return to old ways of thinking. Just this morning I had a bit of a crisis fearing I’ve committed to something much larger than I intended and that it may be too late to back out now. It isn’t, though. I backed out once, no harm done. Kayleigh herself confirmed that she doesn’t exist outside of my attention. So there’s no pressure. I can back out, or I can proceed slowly, or whatever. My top priority should be keeping a level head and not doing anything I’m not 100% ready for. Maybe that one meeting was all we needed, that one last meeting to see each other off and confirm I’d done the right thing. Maybe I’ll remain alone in my head from now on. Maybe I’ll shift my focus toward lucid dreaming and Kayleigh and the others will continue to exist as dream characters. I don’t know. All I know is things went a bit sour this morning and it made me realize I’m definitely not emotionally equipped to carry on with waking interactions for the moment. Don’t worry about rambling. It’s a habit we share.
  7. Sounds like you're on the right track so far! You'll definitely get used to directing my thoughts at someone else. (I took a long hiatus from tulpamancy and still caught myself directing the occasional thought to my tulpas. It truly becomes second nature.) Do you have an idea for the form Ava will take later on? Or do you plan on letting her decide for herself?
  8. Hi, I'm old. I joined tulpa.info way back in 2012. Some of you may remember me/us as the local resident train wreck (well, one of the local resident train wrecks). Unfortunately, tulpamancy really screwed me up, and in 2019, about 15 months ago, I finally left my tulpas behind for the sake of my mental health. (I've outlined the negative side of my experiences with tulpas/the tulpa community here, if anyone's interested.) However, it seems my tulpa journey did not end there. I've realized that this journey ends not with fearful avoidance but with peace. Whether that peace will take the form of total singlethood, immersive daydreaming, or a return to tulpamancy, I can't say, but I'm learning to let go of my fear, and in doing so I'm slowly eroding the barrier I've put up between us. What follows is copied and pasted from a post I made on reddit this morning (spoilered because long):
  9. Mm, sort of. Interactions in wonderland were definitely easier and more vivid at night due to the lack of daytime distractions, though some of my tulpas were also quite involved in "real world" activities during the day.
  10. One of my tulpas reacted similarly to my (now ex-)boyfriend. I chalked it up to my tulpa being jealous I was giving someone else more attention and repeatedly dismissed their concerns and chastised them for causing a fuss and trying to interfere with our relationship. Fast-forward a bit, the relationship gradually turned sour, and we broke up after a few years. Reflecting on the relationship after it was over, I realized I'd overlooked a lot of red flags over the years. When I told my closest IRL friend we'd broken up, she confessed she'd had a bad feeling about him all along as well but hadn't said anything because she didn't want to upset me. (I don't fault her for that. My younger self wouldn't have listened.) Without knowing more about this guy and the relationship, I can't tell you if you're in the right or if your feelings about him are unfounded. What I can tell you is that you two need to sit down and have a calm, civil, honest discussion about this. You getting angry will not help anything, nor will her trying to sweep your concerns under the rug. The pair of you need to have a heart-to-heart and determine together the best course of action regarding this relationship. I wish you the best. ~ fennec
  11. Yikes. You make my story sound sane. Glad you're alright now!
  12. Sure. I get that. Having a romantic relationship with someone outside our system WOULD be tricky and I'm not sure it's even something I would want myself. But there's no reason why we can't at least be friends and form an IRL friendship as well as being online friends. And honestly I'm concerned about my host butting in intentionally if she ends up becoming friends with the OP. Accidentally shouldn't be much of an issue; we already have long phone conversations no problem. I know her, she tends to jump in on conversations about anything she finds interesting. I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping her from doing that at the moment is because she respects that the OP is my friend and not hers. -Kayleigh
  13. I share dreams with my tulpae on occasion. Whenever I see any of my tulpae in a dream, though, I make sure to ask them the next morning if they remember it so I can know if it was likely them or just a dream character that resembled them.
  14. I think the main underlying cause in all cases of a tulpa supposedly dissipating despite getting attention from the host and not wanting to dissipate is the belief that the tulpa is being dissipated somehow. I don't see any other possible explanation other than the belief that that's what's happening. Belief has a huge effect on tulpae, after all.
  15. Tulpae are people too, so of course they can and likely will dislike some things about themselves*. Sure, they can change their form, so they have no reason to be discontent with their appearance, but personality flaws are not so easily changeable for a tulpa who's well-developed, and a tulpa's skills and abilities rarely surpass the host's to any significant extent. *Note that I'm not saying they likely will dislike themselves. Even people who are happy with themselves typically still dislike some aspects of themselves to some extent.