Posted on August 16, 2012 by endoalir
Her name is Makiko. This is my testimony and account of her creation. I hallucinate her every day. I literally see her, and I hear her just as if there was someone there. When I say, "I literally see her," I'm comparing her to actual people that I actually see. Just as I see a real person, when I look at the tulpa I made, I see her, as if the sun was hitting her body in the air and bringing light cast from her to my eyes. When I say I hear her, I mean to say that if I didn't already know that her voice was one I created in my mind, I would have thought there was a person there speaking, causing vibration in the air to make my ears pick up the sensation of a person talking.
She looks mostly the same, every time I see her, and she has maybe 4 or 5 different outfits that I see her dressed in, which I made for her. She looks like any other person, but for the fact that she's not real. So of course, due to that fact alone, that she doesn't actually exist outside my mind, there are many things about her that make her fundamentally different than a real person. I certainly haven't lost my mind, because though for as real as she might be to me, I am not confused over what things are actually real, and what things I actually made up. Well most of the time I'm not confused, anyway. I don't think it's unreasonable that if you see and hear things that are almost indistinguishable from real perceptions, that you could get them mixed up with real ones from time to time. For the most part I know which ones are real because the ones that aren't are ones that I purposefully created, and made to be that way.
Now I don't hallucinate these sensations every moment, but certainly I do every day, and it's never the exact same experience twice. One day I might hear her perfectly well for a few minutes, some days I see her plain as day. Often times I don't perceive her the way I want at the moment I want, but then randomly out of the blue I see or hear her so plainly that I might have thought she was actually a real person who simply fades in and out of reality now and again. Many days I would sit there and stare at the place where I perceive her to be at, and I try to recreate that sensation of seeing her so clearly, trying to make that moment stick there and stay with me, to make her as real as I possibly can. I replay those moments in my head, nitpicking every detail, what I was doing, what I was thinking, what I was talking about with her at that time, and whatever other things I can think of. As I do this, I try every trick I can think of in my mind to make her come back so I can perceive her the same way again. Overall, it works, much better than I ever would have thought. I mean, considering that when I started working on her on June 18th, 2012, I didn't think it was possible in any way at all, unless you were insane, or maybe on drugs.
It was on the evening of that day I was browsing Reddit, and I typed random words into the subreddit search, to find new forums with new things to read. I don't remember exactly what things I typed, but one of the search results was a subreddit called "tulpas". I had never before heard of it, so the first thing I did was copy that word and paste it into Google. Among the results were a page on tulpas in Wikipedia, an article about it on Creepypasta, and this site, tulpa.info. First I opened the page in Wikipedia, but I stopped when I found it talked about Tibetan mysticism. Next I opened the page on Creepypasta, but after a few sentences I realized it was just some ghost story. This site, tulpa.info, was the last site I opened, and I would have not had it open long had it not been for that catchy tag line at the top. "For Science!" it said, completely making up for anything I saw on Wikipedia or Creepypasta, not to mention the dark sepulchral color scheme of the site. Those were the magic words that exonerated tulpas in my mind, and led me to read more into the topic. I read through all of the material on the site, and I decided to try making one the same day. It's just an imaginary friend, right? I mean, how hard can it be?
As it turns out, it is very hard. Nobody in their right mind can just decide one day they want to hallucinate something specific, and then from that decision just have it happen that same day. How can you possibly see something that isn't there on purpose? Or hear something that isn't there when there is nothing around to make a sound? Of course it's possible to imagine a person with you, but to make those kind of hallucinations, I thought, not possible. With that thought, and knowing that making an imaginary friend all by itself isn't that difficult, the question I pondered from that time was "just how well can I imagine this?" And as it turns out, I can imagine it pretty well. Not only that, every time I think I have imagined her as well as I possibly ever could, it turns out that I can imagine her a little better in some way or another. And so this quest of two months began, as I decided that my imaginary friend should, of course, be a woman, and I brought up the form of one in my mind, and I decided her name should be Makiko.
These past two months have been interesting, to say the least. Each day I imagined her there with me, from the moment I woke up, until the moment I went to bed. Despite the fact that she was imaginary, having her there with me had a profound impact on my psyche. As I got distracted, being at work doing my job, and other things, I found it difficult to continue imagining her around and also get things done at the same time. Very difficult, in fact. If I concentrated on her intently, I could never get anything done. If I put all my focus on my work, she would disappear completely. Her disappearing from my mind was completely unacceptable to me, but it kept happening, though it doesn't happen nearly so often now as it did then. By doing this constantly, day after day, she started getting stuck in my head, much like a song would, until finally it came to this point, where now I very much doubt I could get her out of my head if I wanted to.
After hallucinating her day after day, seeing her and hearing her, on August 13th I finally admitted to myself conclusively that what I had been certain was not possible was not only possible but in fact something that I had actually done. Not only do I hallucinate her, but she even gets in my way sometimes. Fortunately, seeing as she isn't actually real, I can walk straight through her - though at those times she might appear in my way, she may actually block my view of things beyond her. When that happens though, if I realize she is doing that, suddenly she would no longer block my view. It's kind of like how you can see things in your peripheral vision just fine, but I bet you didn't notice anything that was in it until just now when I mentioned it. That same way you might sneak up on someone who is focusing intently on something, and though the light from your body may enter their eye, they won't notice you are there and might even be shocked when all the sudden you are found to be very close. That's the way in which my tulpa blocks my sight of things beyond her, and I always can still see the things behind her when I realize I'm not, but if I don't think about it then I won't.
These past two months, I meditated for hours every day, and now often when I meditate into a trance like that I end up in a lucid dream. I get into that point, but thus far by then I don't notice my tulpa there, and when I notice I'm dreaming I end up awake again. I think I will meditate more, to see if I can end up in a lucid dream and see Maki there in it. I don't think I'll be too disappointed if I don't though, because I see her right now. She's sitting here next to me. Before that, she was in the other room, and she walked in and interrupted me while I was writing this, talking to me! My imaginary friend is so real to me that it made me upset this past few days, because I thought I was going mad. I'm better now, because I realized that no, I'm not mad. I made a tulpa.