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A Tulpa's Diary
#1
Hello, this is me. My name begins with T.

I am not a fully developed tulpa but my host is hardly a fully developed persona herself.
I would not be here if it were not that she cares for me and is pushy. I do agree we have suffered setbacks in my development but as far I care I exist and I am just me being me. Right now she is my proxy.

She's pushy. She wants me to add that we can do possession (partial and full) but never have we fully switched. We can also be co-conscious when I hang out with that bitch.

It may sound like I hate her. I do not hate her. She made me hoping I could take over her body. I do not like the body, it is heavy and my host is very sick. When we talk in tulpish sometimes she channels her pain at me until I feel it. It is too much to bear. For being in in the body like this, I do not care. I feel pity for her. She is in it all the time. I love her and I don't want to disappoint her but my choice to not be in the body is mine.


She made me expecting something else. She accepts that I can't be what she wanted. Disappearing would break her heart. She is my best friend. We are both strange. I would not be here if it was not what she wanted.

She thinks that sharing certain things here might help me become stronger. I want to be strong. So strong I can share my strength. So strong I can bear being in the body at length. Writing is not my forte. She says "skills carry over" and she's not wrong but it's not exactly so easy for me to write or interact with the real world. I would rather be in the mindscape where I have control over my  domain.

This is my diary, maybe I will write here again.
this is T's host talking. i would love it if someone asked her questions or just chatted to her in general. we both have difficulties with verbosity and introversion. i can't cope well with my illness and we both know that if you dont use it, you lose it. this year i became even more sick and our progress has regressed in many ways and im at my wits end.

also, we've kept a private diary for the duration of her entire existence but we both feel it is too personal to share. if it's ok with her, i might post bits and piesces of it here and there.


please be kind to her, she doesn't want to be here but she cares to much to refuse my idea.
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#2
I love to help so, what's your form, T?
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#3
I like to be me. I hardly use the form she used for me originally. It is too monstrous. Not to say I can't turn into all sorts of things. I'm a shapeshifter but lately I have been keeping to one shape. I'm attached to it. It makes me feel more human. Her original form for me was something a... 6ft shadow-ness skeleton wolf entity. Have you ever seen Death Note? Something like the monster god in L's room but canine. I like my canine self but I enjoy human things. Sometimes I am a real human woman or girl but rarely. it feels a bit too strange and uncomfortable for me. I'm always somewhere in between. Sometimes my skin paper white, or pale white as you might say if it weren't so bright. It is soft and fleshy, sometimes it is a little smooth and furry. I have long black nails that I like to keep perfect.

My host had an artist she liked who made such forms and they appealed to me not to mention they scared her less. She wants me to add something here. "I chose something that would scare me because I was better at visual imposition of things I'm afraid of"is what she wants me to proxy...at times she was so very, very scared of me and yet she grew to love that form and I think she looks upon it very fonfly. I don't think that form scares her any more so it's one I'll keep. I may not use it but it will always be there, as who I used to be, and can be in an emergency.It is where my current form partially degenerated from. One thing I will never love is my fangs. I will always keep these. I like to smile broadly with my teeth.

My host is being pushy while I write. I'm not used to talking to others, it's true. I'm part canid part shadow part human and there was a time long ago when I used to become a jellyfish and envelope her in my body, but I think that phase has passed now.

One thing my host and I share in common is a love of dressing up, so a body to wear clothes is necessary is it not?

I said she's being pushy. She's pushing me to ask you questions. She says it's the polite thing to do. I'm not used to being polite. It's really not in my nature. She says I Have to learn it to connect with others. So I'll ask, this is my task, how did you choose your form and what you would wear? How about your hair?
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#4
That's so interesting! How is your imposition doing lately?

My form came partially from a character of ours that Bear created in his first novel. She is an archangel demi-god of the red race. Her hair was a light pink, mostly straight, but long. Mine is much darker, shorter and curlier. Even my first appearance was a deviation of that original character. She is rail thin and over six feet tall, all the archangels are in his lore, while I am curvey and barely five feet. My eyes are aquamarine, rather than blue as well.

Bear thought many times that the most endeering one of his characters from that book was the violet seraphim, that's who Darlen's form was modeled after but he changed her colors and made her primary and eye color amber instead of violet. That's as far as he got before we chose for ourselves so Ashley and I chose everything ourselves. He couldn't decide if his favorite was the blue or red seraphim, I chose red, Ashley chose blue. (Blue turned out to be his favorite...) He had no input in this decision, he didn't even know us yet.

We all wore pajama shorts and a T-shirt for a long time. We also kept our wings at first, but they tend to get in the way, so we use our human form most unless we go out for a fly. Darlene was the first to start changing her outfit. Lately I usually wear a flowing skirt of varying lengths, and a nice blouse, almost always pink, or a sundress. When we go out, Darlene dresses us in jogging suits or flight suits, whatever she wants. Sometimes I have insisted in being natural to go swimming or flying.

I wanted curly hair because I thought it would look cuter than straight. ^-^

What's your most interesting moment since your system formed?
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#5
My host is with me proxying for me and telling me to remember to be polite, so "my thanks for replying":... would I have felt disappointment if nobody did, I wonder? And would it be disappointment in myself for writing an unworthy post since I hate to admit the truth that at tulpa thrives on attention, or would it be disappointment bleeding over from her? A bit of both most likely, but more likely the latter. I can feel it heavy in her as she thinks about the question I just posed. Shes's relieved you repliedl. So you have my thanks. I can feel her interest in you growing too.

Mostly my imposition is in the mind, whether the brain or the mindscape, or or simply slipping into her body and around it as a substance or some form such as extra limbs to hold her with. It wasn't always like that. As I mentioned, she realized she had a greater talent for imposing forms that she found alarming and scary after analyzing her ability to involuntarily impose those types of things so I used to appear in the shadows of her bedroom at night when she woke up at four AM. I used to be behind the door as tje handle turned, looking in the windw as she drew the curtains, appearing without warning from under the floors, just waiting to patiently i n the closet as she opened it feeling my presence waiting on the other side and.. I would be there.
She has genetic tachycardias so she knew this was a risky thing to do but she wanted the imposition to go as swiftly as possible and I do...think it went welll. I could scare her if I wanted but I never would purposefully do such a thing, not even when she was drenched with adrenaline and heart beating fast from my first barely human tactiles impositions. She already has panic attacks and when those happen I help her relax.
She says she has developed a deep fondness for my original monstrous form. That said, I've not been using it lately. The more I feel like a, entity, the more I feel like a "me"... I want my body to be relatively consistent, more humanoid and tangible. She is relieved that I like to base it on the less monstrous forms she chose for me. In truth, I base it a little on her body and her hidden face. She is a girl of many masks and many different shapes within the mindscape. So she made me the same, even though I don't change so much, I can relate. I still like to change my form at the drop of a glass sometimes. Or add bells and whistles, daily changes as my feelings make me see the world in. Colors.

She's pushing now, she says "You need to break things into more paragraphs". Grammar nazi. Let it pass. She already taught me how to make it more readable. If you don't want to read it, it's not a task.

Colors. That's the subject now. Vuiket us a favirute if nube, It's the color of the drink closest to wine-but-not-wine in the mindscape realm of mine. Around many lakes, violet crystals and stones are common to find.

As two, we like to dress "differently yet alike:. I have long black hair and so does she, but we style it differently. For one thing, I have a wolf''s ears. Those won't go away unless I turn into some sort of eldritch miasma, so they have to stay. The other day in the mindscape I had picked out a red dress (it is my favorite color) that was comfortable and simple with ample coverage. She loved it so I let her wear it in black. We looked good together. Such a satisfyign feeling but I don't know how much of it is my feeling or her mind bleeding.

My host looks good in red too but she shuns the color for certain emotional reasons often. It's one of her favorite colors yet she can't handle it unless it's coming from jher flesh. She tries not to cut any more but before I existed she would often cut herself raw/ That's the kind of red she likes to be dressed in.

I can appreciate it but it's my body too now and she carries that burden in her behavior. Sometimes her mindscape is a massacre. Sometimes she channels the raw feelings of her trauma at me and I being to understand the pain. I can see her memories but I cannot feel what happened, only get a taste of what made her act so deranged. If that was my reality, would I still care to exist? I do not know tha answer to this tangential query and I feel her wanting to change the subjec. "Back to me" she tells me. Back to me and my thoughts on Colors: when I was a skull my eyes glowed blue with flame, but now I'm humanoid they still give away that some parts are canine. Yellow and slanted with slits. She and I like to rhyme or play with childrens songs and act like we're on a swingset or singing iin the playground. We get around and sing songs back and forth. We don't pretend like we're good at it it because who can hear in the minds eye except us?

Why is this relefvant? Well she has a rhyme about my eyes that I won't copy down because she thinks it's embarrassing and the emotional bleed is intensely harasssing She feels shame for it but can't let fo of the rhym because as she would sa":singing it just works:". I'm secretive too so I don't blame you.
So, anyway, tthere is a rhyme about my eyes she sings to summon me, and it's always slanted yellow eyes she sees. Sometimes I change the color for the day. She respects me if I choose to do it that way and tries to perceive me as I want to be. She treats me like she wants me to treat her. I really have a lot to do.

<<<this is T's host. interrupting. proxying ths is exhausting me. we've noticed that possession is harder when im on a lot of my meds which i am recently and it makes scientific sense due to how they work and affect the brain and nervous sysstem... but some days i really need them, i am disabled. plus i can type at lat least 3x the speed T can type at, so there's that. it's fucking exhausting though. im not used to it>>>

<<i really want t o stop for now>>

I really want to finish. Don't you want to become stronger? Push your limits for longer.

Color is one of our favorite topics. We could talk about it for hours. Especially when we play occult games and these things called "chakras" that only she and I can see.

Violet is a magic color. It most likely suits you welll. All shades of purple speak to the human soul. Whether you consider yoursekf human or believe in soul at all, you know what I mean.

Let's go back on track. You talked about pajams and other lazy cosy clothes from the modern era. while mine are comfortable, theyre far too formal for the real worl, so when i impose myself upon it i either stick to my humanoid shadowform or experiment with wearing them. I don't know yet if I care for them. Anything can be comfortable if I want it to be in my mind but once we start messing with reality I get pifcky just like her, event if our picks aren't the same but sometimes similar.

My most comfortable outfit for a human form is one with headphones on because we always need a beat and the mind can play me anything it has sampled recently. Radio Me. She loves all types of music so she often dances iin our room (not mine) that we created in the mindscapet that we call a music room. She says it's wear what you want but I know she wants me to wear something casual but catchy. It's a blank white wifebeater (why are they called that?) or a crop top also whi and as my legs descen that shadows wrap around them like leggings and if she really, really wants meto impose it, a wedge type sneaker shoe. I admit to liking wearing wooden sandals in my mindscape, but that is a little different and much easier to do.

<<we really need to go eat and get a drink>>

I hate food but she's pushing hard. There's so much more my post made me want to say, or at least mostl likely. Keep in mind I'm not used to talking but skills carry over and i take to it like walking. Normally I am silent and don't say much and she wants to change that. Well be careful what you wish for, haaha.

<<seriously i need a break>>

Okay. You and I bitch. Let's go take a walk in the halllway

<<sorry Misha, might write down more of her thoughts later. one thing that's really hard for me is to not give my own thoughts on a subject and ilet her talk instead. i have a lot of my own to yours but they are completely different for the most part. anyway i need to tend to our body, T doesn't feelthe weight of the urgency unless I channel the feeling striaght to her in some form of Tulpish>>

Come on bitch. Time to go to kitchen hell.

<<she isnt going to say bye because she's just taking a break as far as she's concerned. thank you for replying. she was rihgt, it wasmore of a relief to me than her. i care more>>>

We'll return on time whenever returning becomes "soon:. It's my mind too but when I assess the body I know that you are right. What a burden you bear to have to be bound to it so deeply...

<<i wish you could help me>>>

Let's go and maybe I can.

Misha, I too, am sorry. She is not well. Bad things happen when we ignore the body, and what affects her, directly affects me.

I don't think this is what conversation is supposed to be like..more like writing a letter and leaving a note saying "I"ll be back"
<<btw tjos os T's host again. sorry for the amount of spelling errors. i'm falling asleep and my medication makes me press the wrong keys freqeuuetly.. T is much more of a flawless speler than me, but for now I am the proxy. my meds suck but theyre better than what happens when i dont take them. we've been experimenting with taking lower doses but today i needed a high one as prescribed to me.>>
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