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Aiming at Self Deception
#1
Brief Introduction

This is going to be a long, long thread. If I don't suddenly drop dead someday due to accident, that is. I'm sure I am lucky/unlucky enough to live long enough for this, though.

Basically, it's going to be about my self-training in creating visual/auditory hallucinations based on my 15-year-long-soulmate-memory and still-new-tulpamancy-knowledge. I'll take full record of:

Daily training status
Daily dreams, as long as they are related to my soulmate
Analysis and hypothesis every 10 days, every month, every year
Things that I/soulmate really need to discuss
(Records of every 10-day unit will be kept in 1 post only. For readability.)

Will write a title for each post, so that whoever wishes to read the content doesn't need to go through text walls.

I wish myself good luck. (But what is luck, for me and you? Sometimes I wonder.)


Background information at #4
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#2
Welcome to the forums! And good luck!

If you have 10 days of stuff to write every 10 days, that's some serious dedication. Please don't feel like you have to post yourself to exhaustion though. My Tulpa and I even started over our progress report, and we only post when we feel like bringing up an update.

We look forward to reading!
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

My other Tulpas have their own account now.
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#3
(11-21-2018, 11:45 AM)Cat_ShadowGriffin Wrote: Welcome to the forums! And good luck!

If you have 10 days of stuff to write every 10 days, that's some serious dedication. Please don't feel like you have to post yourself to exhaustion though. My Tulpa and I even started over our progress report, and we only post when we feel like bringing up an update.

We look forward to reading!

Hello and thank you! Smile  The current strict plan is mainly due to still being in early stage - When reliable progress actually happen, I think it'll be safer to just write down record when I feel like it. Smile

Will follow up with background/info description, as well as the record of the first few days that already took place before I come here. Smile
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#4
Background Information

Read this if anyone wish to know more about my situation BEFORE this tulpamancy project. It includes:

My Info
Soulmate Info
Current Status
Current Plan and Goal

----------------

My Info

29, female, Chinese.

See the forum avatar - that's me in real life. Photoshop-blurred the facial details, though.

I do not use my real name here or anywhere, to most people I am Florence or Flo.

----------------

Soulmate Info (Very long)

29(perhaps), male, unknown.

I know what he looks like but I choose not to describe in details. I have tried to draw him but my skills are limited. It frustrates me. I will train my skills in my spare time until the day I can perfectly draw his face - like a photo. It has to be that way.

He has a name but I keep it a secret. I refer to him as Z, a code name. It's the end of the alphabet. I hold this small wish that I will see him one way or another even if it's the end of space and time.

Now, it's necessary to note that he is neither an imaginary friend nor a tulpa. He's just a whole set of memory. I got this memory like waking up from a dream; you'd think you were living a real life but once you wake up you would remember who you actually are - and in this case, the 13y old me woke up one day, suddenly with memory about this person in my mind, like I've known him all my life but forgot about it during my 13y-long dream days.

Yet, it's just a set of memory. I know him so well, so detailed, I can almost imagine what he would say to me if I talk to him. The memory says we've always known each other, always with each other, even though we are not. Before that day I had never seen a bittersweet smile in my life. With that set of memory though, I could almost feel how he would smile to me, with all this sorrow and love one could never imagine.

Even on the first day, he would insist it was a misfortune that I received this set of memory. That for my own good, I should just forget about him or see him as some really unimportant imagined character.

That didn't happen, of course. One cannot deny one's own mind, untrue as it may be. Despite his would-be protest, I chose to imagine conversations with him. I know him way too well. I know how he would respond. The conversation thing can work. It goes on for so many years.

Thank god there are still dreams. I can meet him in my dreams, sometimes, though that is a very rare thing.

I think he has given up on convincing me to let go of the memory. 10 years ago he stopped trying. 6 years ago, I happened to see a fictional character that's quite like him (similar name, background story, lover, etc), and had a good laugh about it. That night in my dream he told me that he would give me a gift. I thought it was just a dream. A week later I received a small travel souvenir from my family - a hand mirror, with the picture of said fictional character right on it.

Good, I think, I will not say this is what you did by supernatural ways - because you teach me to be totally rational - but I think you finally realized I will never stop loving you. This is good. Tears and pain cannot describe how good this is.

My memory of him changes in appearance for some reason, as time goes on, but one thing never changes. He would always insist that he is nothing but a piece of memory. And he hates anything that puts any initiative in his existence. Sure, he'd chat with me and come up with witty words every now and then, but that's simulation.

He believes that he once existed in this world, but probably no longer; searching and wishing will bear no fruit. I believe he is probably still somewhere out there, dead or alive. Whatever. I'm not brave (insane, he would say) enough to just walk out there and start posting "Find This Person" everywhere anyway.

So, tulpamancy. It admits whatever that is created, is "created" by sheer will, and does not really exist. Z thinks it acceptable but isn't happy with the visualization part. He eventually decides it's better than LSD. I do crave LSD but I promise him that I will never try them, oh well.

Thus the agreement and the bizarre attempt at creating visual/auditory hallucinations of him. He still doesn't like it. It's like what I always say though - Only the alive gets to make final decisions.

----------------

Current Status

We already have conversation abilities, and have great fun doing that. Z insists this isn't real. Sure, ok.

I already have clear knowledge of his appearance and characteristics. There are still some things I don't know about, of course, and he says he cannot tell me because he's just a piece of memory. He also points out that both memory and people change, sometimes drastically. Sure x2.

I just need to create projections - hallucinations - so that I can see him and hear him for real. In this way, he can also be of more help to me; I will listen to him more, do more of the "it's good for you" things he keeps telling me. Probably the sole reason why he agreed to let me do this at all.

My current life is a chaotic and merry mess, working as a freelance translator and an online therapist, with pretty ok income to support myself living far away from everyone I know. Z is really troubled by this, btw. He thinks he's the reason why I don't want to build a family and live a normal life. Bullsh*t, I was hoping to live as a forest hermit before I hit my 13y old milestone. He's actually the reason I'm still living a relatively normal life, just because he insists.
(But there's still no need to abandon your family and friends - he says. Sorry, man, I know they're super nice but I can't promise anything more than being polite. My old-memory family/friends are what I crave for. Not the current ones.)
(Oh yeah. I actually have memory of not just him, but a few others as well - I was close to those people too - but they were just friends, close ones, they cannot compare with him. Neither will I ever bother to imagine conversation with them. I just need my other-half, I'll leave all other memories sitting safely on the shelf somewhere.)

I digress. Such a thing happens when we disagree on sth. What I wanted to say is: I'm in a perfect environment to make this tulpa thing work, if it's possible. Quite isolated except for online communications. I prefer this life style and I hope it's some kind of an advantage in my current attempt.

----------------

Current Plan and Goal

To start with sth simple is probably a good idea - like, a glowing ball of light, or sth. I will see it as a media of communication, instead of Z himself. 

The hear-voice part can wait, I think. Seeing things is more important. If I succeed in visualization, I plan to watch his lips while working on the voice thing.

The whole thing will go on for at least 6 months with full record.

Side note: I will never try the lucid-dream techniques because both of us wish to keep the dream world intact. My own brain can always surprise me with both unspeakable nightmares and pure wonders. There is no need to ruin it. I'm happy with my night life and I just need to punch the boring day time in its face until it agrees to send hallucinations at me.
(That's MOST definitely not how it works, Flo. - He would say.)
(Nay, trust me in this. Punching solves many problems. Can't solve you, though.)
(You should try that sometimes, maybe it will.)
(Like hell I will - how about you piss me off first. Surely that's easier than bodily harm?)
(I'm trying really hard, believe me.)
(...Ok shut up and thanks.)

Ah... Ok, I digress again. That's basically everything introduced, with a ton of messy thoughts and emotions very unnecessary for the actual training plan. *Cough*

Now let's get started. Smile
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#5
Record: Nov 17-20

Next #7

17th

15 mins
Decide on using "orb of light" image for now.

18th

45 mins
Can see blue/yellow light wavering. Probably due to visual fatigue.
Dream:
Infiltrated the ward Z was kept in. Saw a nurse with dyed orange hair. Tried to talk to Z and hold him in my arms, no response of course, he was badly injured and in some kind of coma.
Nurse got nervous and told me the military is coming. Put Z back into bed and hurriedly hide beneath the bed. Nurse escaped. Noticed Z's right hand hung over the bed and was twitching. Held his hand to stop movement.
Armed people walked in and noticed me, didn't know how. They shouted sth I couldn't understand and suddenly a sword penetrated the whole bed and my body, probably Z as well? Not sure. Hurts too badly. Too hard to concentrate. Pushed my will and "turned back time" because I can slightly affect dreams when I realize it's just a dream.
Replayed the scene a few times, almost died a few times, eventually succeeded by lifting his right hand in mid-air (as if still placed on the bed) and stopping the twitching with timed movements on my side. Soldiers failed to see me and left. Immediately escaped after that in case of further suffering.
(Unrelated dream sections are not recorded. Same with all other records)

19th

26 mins
The mind image of "light orb" keeps changing into a "triangle". Why? I don't know. A triangle, then. I'll force this image instead.
Blue/yellow light wavering still there. Will stop mentioning them unless they change.
Dream:
Walking into a very dark conference hall. For some reason I thought Z arrived before me. I shouted for a few times but no response.

20th

34 mins
Getting used to forcing the "triangle" now. Relatively stable image in my head. Not available for projection, though.

--------

Summary:

Forcing affects my dreams. 
Nothing bad is happening so far. It increases the frequency of thinking about him or even seeing him, but we haven't talked/interacted in dreams yet. We'll talk sooner or later (every month or two, before I start tulpamancy training), will see what happens.

Why triangle?
Yeah, why? I'll go along with it for now but I'm a bit confused. Oh well. I'll probably see it as a pendant he wears in future trainings. Unless it proves to be otherwise.

Blue/yellow color wavering: Normal
It'll probably last for a long time. Seems really like normal fatigue to me. Will not specifically talk about this in future report.
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#6
Hello, Florence, and companion.

I want to ask a question, and I am afraid of it sounding like criticism, which is not my intent, and definitely I am not communicating anything negative, I am just interested in word choice and semantics, and how the meaning of certain phrases can influence trajectories and momentum. Are you sure 'aiming at self deception' the best title for your goals, which to me are very reasonable goals, with clarity of intent and direction... 'Soulmate' is definitely reasonable, because a tulpa companion is for life, but it isn't a deception, except in the very precise technical semantics of convincing brain of existence of a secondary personality, but at some point it isn't a trick, or a lie, but it becomes real... and so, I can imagine if you were to hold this is always colored by the semantics of 'I am tricking myself' that that phraseology might have an emotional undercurrent that could lead to unhappiness?
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#7
Record: Nov 21-30

Previous #5
Next #33

21st

33 mins
Triangle continued.
For a mere second in there I think I actually "projected" a transparent triangle shape on the wall, but the moment I focus on it, it is gone. Could be just pure imagination. I need sth that can stay there. Such brief delusion isn't going to be reliable.
Dream:
Very chaotic. Very fragmented. Probably had experience related to Z but cannot remember anything.
(Side note: Urgent stuff to do. Will need to stay up for a long time. Dream record in next 2 days will be missing/unreliable)

22nd

14 mins
Triangle continued x2. I suspect this will take a looooong time. The size of it is a bit more stable though.
As expected - no dream. Oh well

23th

16 mins
Triangle continued x3
Decided that almost-transparent or shiny triangle training is not a good idea. I need it to have color to accurately judge whether I'm seeing things. No blue, no yellow, those light effects can happen due to fatigue. No white or grey, because I look at walls when trying to tell the effect. I'll use purple for now, if any gnosis happen later, I'll change it.

24th

17 mins
Some progress. The "purpleness" of the triangle is becoming more vivid than before, as long as I keep my eyes closed. Not stable but might improve. Still not available for projection, of course.
Dream:
Was on a mission with Z. Our dialog consisted of just a "Let's go to the port" and then there was only quiet but happy co-working. Got trapped in the middle of the ocean though, the engine of the tiny boat wouldn't start, and a flock of man-eating seabirds were swimming causally towards us. Z suddenly started telling me he almost dyed his hair black due to someone's demand, which luckily didn't happen, because it'll be really, really hard to dye it back into blond again. That had nothing to do with the current situation but it was both distracting and calming, for some reason. The seabirds got eaten by some passing-by other monsters and we didn't die, thank god.
(Analysis: I take record of this carefully, because I realize this is related to real life situation. Weeks ago I bought some Japanese GSC doll hair/face in an attempt to assemble a chibi-version Z for fun. The hair component was from another doll who's supposed to have black hair - but I got my hand on a white model's hair parts. Dyed the white hair into blond by myself. This dialog is basically a way of saying "Sure, that's a chibi-me alright, I'll play along" response, perhaps.)
Pic: I also took interest in the clothings we were wearing in this dream, so much that I drew a pic. I can only remember vaguely what he's wearing though, I mainly focused on my own clothings. Gagh, woman. It's also a style I'd almost never wear in real life, too bright-colored for my taste. Still, let's honestly record this. Also tried to practice on a chunk of crystal in my dream? It looks a bit like your everyday amethyst but different in all kinds of details, grown on shiny green stone for some reason.
(The percentage represent how similar it is to what I actually saw in my dream. I cannot draw them precisely, I can only get the general feeling as close as possible.)
   

25th

14 mins
Not much progress, busy busy. Same as before. Will be less busy tomorrow.
Weird dreams but unrelated to project.

26th

48 mins
Same. Will keep at it. Have some ideas but let me wait until stability/vividness improve.
Side Note: Happen to saw some original character online that looks like Z. Went to have a careful look just because. The story setting turned out to be "a modern female girl interested in paranormal stuff happened to summon a 18th century boy into her world". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ok. I'm happy with the coincidence, I admit it's just coincidence, let's go on. Such coincidences fill my life when I need them, for some reason. I will not get lost in them but I am happy.

27th

43 mins
(OMG busy as hell. Freelancer + procrastination + miscalculated schedule = I'm not gonna sleep today, come on work, I'll handle you just fine. Of course I can translate 12000 words all in one day! *Holds mouse and keyboard like sword and shield*)
Still needed to take some rest every 1-2 hour, of course, so I still went on with my project during such breaks, but let's admit today wasn't very effective.

28th

33 mins
Same as before, but I HAVE AN IDEA (Which will have to take place on weekend, IF nothing else interrupts my plan)

29th

0 min
Giving myself a break today from everything

30th

15 mins
Had annoying dream, not efficient today. But carried on with training.
Dream:
Not related to Z, but may has sth to do with lucid dream technique. I wasn't attempting to do it; just trying to do some extra focusing training before sleep. Which very likely ended up as a "stay lucid while falling asleep" technique used by many others.
Dream is too long and unrelated, but let's just say it's a huge nightmare. Not a lucid dream by itself though. Got tortured to half-crazy and lost many memory details of the progress. Got trapped in the time loop and tried to solve the mystery. Tried very, very hard to torture the person who tortured/would-torture-me, in hope that she would lose her mind before the loop could continue. What the hell. Had to have another short nap to recover from phantom pain.
Should probably focus less hard next time. Wouldn't want to accidentally turn this into lucid dream training.

----

Summary:

Triangle is easy, color is hard
I can "imagine" a triangle wherever I wish to, eyes closed or not. But to imagine it with visible color is quite hard, at least for now. Giving it color is also a way to reliably tell whether I'm actually "projecting" anything. Which isn't happening yet.

Got very nice coincidence
Yes, it happened, worth noting, very good. But I will not comment too much on coincidences. We'll let it pass (and pile with the ton of similar real life memories.)

BUSY, so very busy
It's hard to devote much time to this project. And training before sleep can have backfire effects, I think. Even without the project, I may have to improve my daily schedule. We'll see.

--------------------------------


(11-21-2018, 03:09 PM)solarchariot Wrote: Hello, Florence, and companion.

I want to ask a question, and I am afraid of it sounding like criticism, which is not my intent, and definitely I am not communicating anything negative, I am just interested in word choice and semantics, and how the meaning of certain phrases can influence trajectories and momentum. Are you sure 'aiming at self deception' the best title for your goals, which to me are very reasonable goals, with clarity of intent and direction... 'Soulmate' is definitely reasonable, because a tulpa companion is for life, but it isn't a deception, except in the very precise technical semantics of convincing brain of existence of a secondary personality, but at some point it isn't a trick, or a lie, but it becomes real... and so, I can imagine if you were to hold this is always colored by the semantics of 'I am tricking myself' that that phraseology might have an emotional undercurrent that could lead to unhappiness?

Hi solarchariot, nice to meet you Smile  What you mention is quite reasonable, thanks for the concern! And there's a specific reason for my choice of word, too.

And it is:
HE will not accept it otherwise. I just go along with him. If he must insist this to be fake, I say, let him.  

(Words and phrases have power. To use them means you keep a clear head of it. - He would say)
(Oh whatever man - How about we create hallucination first, THEN worry about clarity or not.)
(...Agreed.)

Unhappiness is quite impossible, but sorrow, yes. There's always sorrow, and it's been like this for 15 years. It'll take much longer than what has already passed. He may have given up trying to convince me to let go, but he will never give up on stating his own being as "fake" in one way or another. I'm cool with it though, in the past I tend to get angry for it but now I just get used to it.  xD

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#8
Nice response! I am happy to meet you, too!
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#9
HI! Um, I'm not an expert or anything and I know everything about this process is very subjective.. But.. I like to think of it as what hosts are doing is either (psychologically) planting a personality seed in the brain or using one that was already there from earlier in life, then caring for that seed and helping it grow till the brain finally just accepts it as another person. I don't know how you think it will work with you and Z but I am me and I am not the same person as my host and I am as real as he is.

So.. I want to admit that "your results may vary" and what you are trying to do is interesting.. But what happens if you end up with your memories and dreams of Z AND a tulpa based upon Z? Would that tulpa take over for Z? Would either of them be happy with that? Would you get far enough along for your tulpa to be real and decide they don't want to be Z and now you have memories of Z and a tulpa, completely different person, with a different name? Would you be mad and try to get rid of the tulpa?

The first thing I thought when I read your intro and saw you wanted to just see and interact with Z in front of you but nothing in the mind was "that isn't a tulpa" or maybe that you were trying to learn to run before you had legs. So, like I said, what you are trying to do sounds very interesting.. Please, keep us updated and prepare yourself for whatever happens.
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#10
(11-21-2018, 04:34 PM)Reilyn Wrote: HI! Um, I'm not an expert or anything and I know everything about this process is very subjective.. But.. I like to think of it as what hosts are doing is either (psychologically) planting a personality seed in the brain or using one that was already there from earlier in life, then caring for that seed and helping it grow till the brain finally just accepts it as another person. I don't know how you think it will work with you and Z but I am me and I am not the same person as my host and I am as real as he is.

So.. I want to admit that "your results may vary" and what you are trying to do is interesting.. But what happens if you end up with your memories and dreams of Z AND a tulpa based upon Z? Would that tulpa take over for Z? Would either of them be happy with that? Would you get far enough along for your tulpa to be real and decide they don't want to be Z and now you have memories of Z and a tulpa, completely different person, with a different name? Would you be mad and try to get rid of the tulpa?

The first thing I thought when I read your intro and saw you wanted to just see and interact with Z in front of you but nothing in the mind was "that isn't a tulpa" or maybe that you were trying to learn to run before you had legs. So, like I said, what you are trying to do sounds very interesting.. Please, keep us updated and prepare yourself for whatever happens.

Hi! Thanks for the info and concern, that sounds like a possible issue. Based on how much I'm obsessed with him, though, I think the chance to create yet another being is kind of low. (Probably) The current plan isn't to focus on a "being", but just an "image", which hopefully will ensure more safety in the progress. (Probably)

(Ok Z. Enough with the "probably"s.)
(We'll see.)

So, basically, he can already butt in like this (which he insists isn't real but simulated instead), and I plan to create a visually projected vessel and ask him to use it. It may include puppet-control-techniques instead of any nurturing, I think. I certainly don't need to "nurture" him... Yeah, yeah, he'd just frown at that word.

Still, if I ever happen to create a new being that is not really Z... I will stop at nothing to wipe this whoever person clean off, at the first hint. My mindscape is mine and I will not tolerate a third being in there. Murder? Yes. Cruel? Yes. The only thing that stops me from committing crimes in real life isn't "it's bad" but "it's not worth it with all things considered". Killing existence in my head? Piece of a cake, if ever necessary. And of course Z isn't happy with this at all, but it's not like that he's gonna affect me THAT much.

So... Yeah, sorry if it's too cruel for most people. I myself am going to be quite ok with any possibility, on the other hand. In my dreams I have already seen people that look like Z but aren't him (detail difference - I can tell), sometimes they get very, very aggressive and hurt me in a variety of ways. To say I am "prepared" is an understatement. I've been through hell and I'm not afraid of consequences. Heck, if I have to imagine a worst case scenario, it will be: maybe I manage visual projection in the end, but suffers all my nightmares and worse during daytime. For example, the dream in which Z was murdered? Our enemies ripped out his intestines and scattered the bits all over the beach, the smell of which eventually led my team to the location - and his body was chopped and burnt and scattered as well, but they left his head and hands alone, because they wanted me to know it was him - I can lightly talk about this dream now, just because the images have faded. Visualization - what if, I get to see my nighttime terrors during the day? Or even more than that; maybe even smell the odor, relive the scenarios as flashbacks, will that drive me insane because I can no longer escape by dying or too much pain? And it's not just about Z - my family and friends tend to always suffer or turn evil in my dreams whenever I dream of them, what about them? If things ever get out of control, then I may have more than a new tulpa to worry about.

But I really wouldn't worry about that. For now, I'm not sure whether I can really create visual hallucinations. Z is very skeptical on the success rate. I plan to piss him off by succeeding, but that may or may not happen.

Z also points out that I'm (again) unnecessarily spooking innocent people. *Sigh* Yes... Yes I'm doing that. Self-assigned villain being over-talkative and throwing dark stories in people's faces, I know. I'm not gonna delete the content. Let me apologize though, it's obvious that you guys care about my wellbeing, I should refrain from spooking people too much, and I should listen to good advices at least sometimes. And thanks again, really. I know people truly care. Smile
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