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NeonKnights

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This is my "here and there and back again" progress report, chronicling the time I spend tulpaforcing, passively forcing, narrating, and trying to get into my tulpa's pants (well, typically the other way around).

 

I recently created her likeness in Skyrim, more or less accurately. Here's a couple of screencaps, though her hair, of late, appears more like Tomoko Kuroki's hair (refer to Watamote) when she has it tied into a ponytail.

Isis

View from a little bit off to the side, poor lighting but this is about the best I could be arsed to dig up in my Skyrim folder.

 

She currently appears as a girl of about 20 with a pretty shapely and well-developed frame, standing at 5'4" tall, with black hair, pale-to-fair skin, and powder-blue eyes. I don't have the slightest clue why she chose the name she did, but I guess it fits her.

 

Since we were about a month in, we've been an item. Initially I was afraid to do anything to upset our strictly companionate relationship, and I wanted no "passion" involved with it. In fact, I chose her initial form for that exact reason: I wanted her to have a cute and interesting form, but not one that I'd be tempted by in any way. I had aspirations for other girls at the time, and didn't think it was exactly sane to date one's own tulpa. Hell, who am I kidding? I still don't. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, if I wanted to bang an anime character, Eucliwood Hellscythe was right near the bottom of that list.

 

As she began to vie for my affections, her first few minor form alterations turned into a complete form overhaul, and with the new form came a new attitude. She began to get a bit more bold, and when she began to want something that I didn't want to give her, she took initiative. Since I didn't have anything but friendly feelings towards her, she forced her own feelings on me, and the rest is history. What she did would perhaps be an unthinkable offense if our genders were reversed, but I don't mind. I like people who are direct.

 

 

 

 

As of today, I've concluded my progress log in order to spend more time with my tulpa. It's been amazing, and I'm sure it's only going to get better.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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7:11 AM GMT-AZ Time

 

Just awoke from a short nap; I've been feeling sapped lately, despite regularly eating and not doing much in the way of physical exertion.

On Sunday, I slept a grand total of twelve hours, four hours spread out throughout the day despite a full eight hours of sleep from 1 to 9 AM.

I attribute this to the tulpa creation process, and hope it passes soon enough.

 

No progress on the vocal front, however I have come to terms with the fact that Yuu is likely not ready for that.

Instead of continuing to fight an uphill battle, I have instead been narrating to her like there's no tomorrow.

I've found myself apologizing to her whenever a period of silence passes, or I know I won't be able to concentrate on talking to her (such as when I'm going to meet somebody, or am expecting a visitor.)

I suppose that's me just wanting to let her know that I haven't forgotten about her. A bit much, maybe, but I care about her.

 

Between Sunday and this morning, I have read her approximately 160 pages of our second 250 page book- Doom: Knee Deep In The Dead.

I hope I'm not screwing her up or grating on her nerves with all these trashy sci-fi horror novels. xD

 

Another note: iTunes has been appearing to give me some strange song titles as of late while I play music during narration or forcing, usually consecutively.

No, I don't attribute this to her, I know tulpae aren't capable of manipulating a computer program telepathically, but some of these titles sure are curious...

 

Here's a selection of songs that the eerie program spat out at me, all in a row, the other day:

I Want To See Another World

Unconscious Power

Wonderland (!)

Heaven Is In Your Mind

I Truly, Truly Believe

 

I find it hard to believe some outside force is acting on it and making it give strings of such relevant titles, but it sure is interesting.

 

I don't know, maybe iTunes is some sort of digital Ouija board. Or maybe I'm just insane.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Hello, and welcome to Tulpa.info!

 

Wow... well, it looks like you have a slightly better grasp at this then I do, so I don't really have a lot of advice to give. However... one thing I have learned since I've started is that using an established character as a tulpa-base might not be as evil as certain guides make it out to be. The reason? Because the form you start with is not static, and because their personality is going to evolve over the course of their lives. As long as you reassure your Tulpa that who they ultimately become is up to them, you can imagine them more or less however you want to. You seem to be doing exactly that, so no worries ;)

 

I might also suggest that your drowsiness likely stems from overexerting yourself on the forcing front. I definitely commend your efforts, but you should be careful not to burn yourself out. Creating something as advanced as a tulpa takes a lot of energy, and both of you need to take a break sometimes; this might be part of why Yuu was telling you to stop when you were transferring energy directly into her. Or, at least, that's just a thought. I'm hardly an expert on Tulpae myself.

 

In summery... keep up the good work, but try not to over do it!

 

P.S.: Hello, Yuu! Sounds like you're getting strong pretty fast... I hope we get to chat someday!

Litany Against Doubt

 

 

I must not doubt.

Doubt is the bond-breaker.

Doubt our poison

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Where the doubt has gone there will be nothing.

And where it has gone I will let love remain.

Only we will remain.

 

~Niichan, Moderator

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Hey, thanks for the welcome! :D

 

Yeppers, I've definitely tried my best to get across the point that deviation isn't anything to worry about. So far, so good! :)

 

You're probably right about me giving too much energy to the cause all at once-- It probably doesn't help that I've been insisting that she draw from my energy during strenuous forcing in an effort to make things easier on her. Heh.

 

When I relayed your message to her, I got a charge of joy. Looks like a good sign to me! :D

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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5:44 AM

 

The past day, or rather, night, was spent finishing up the second book I've read to my dear tulpa; it was a bit of a stretch for my poor, battered vocal cords, but I think it must have done something, as I believe I have begun to hear sparse bits of mind-voice speech that is not consciously generated by me.

 

 

So far in our sparse vocal interactions, she's asked me various questions about Tulpa.info as I browsed the boards, along the lines of, "what's this section about?". She also chose my midnight snack/nocturnal lunch when asked for input: A fish-fillet-on-toast sandwich and red tea. By the way, great choice, Yuu.

 

I'm still assuming all unconscious thoughts are hers, despite the mind-voice still sounding similar to mine, and a bit too familiar for comfort; I figure when she becomes fully and regularly vocal, we can sort out what was what. I can only hope I haven't been somehow parroting everything I've heard from her thus far. I try not to think about it too much.

 

 

What else, what else... I visited my wonderland for the first time in a little while, and she's done some renovation to our house. Sunk the floor of the living room a bit, changed the flooring, added more conventional furniture than the demonic decoration native to Doom. I helped out, creating a small kitchen area and filling the small connected garage with the '70 Coronet that only the wonderland can grant me.

It's getting difficult to recognize the house as being part of a former battlefield in humanity's last stand against the forces of hell.

 

When I asked her to surprise me this time around, she made a rather typical silly face, stretching the corners of her mouth with her index fingers and sticking out her tongue at me. Cute.

 

 

9:26 AM

 

Just had my first wonderland adventure. Man, have I been missing out. I pretty much just told Yuu, "We need to take a break from all of this work," and off we went, exploring the forest that I had conjured up at the edge of the wonderland but added no detail to.

 

What follows is a condensed summary of said adventure; most of you will probably roll your eyes and think, "psh, that's nothing."

Well, it's my first time using the wonderland for anything other than working on developing my tulpa, so it was quite an experience to me.

 

Now, let's see... The forest had a number of surprises, like a rickety bridge that collapsed as we crossed. Somehow we didn't fall into the gorge below. After that, we crossed into a desert area, and explored that, managing to flip a car over and wreck a storefront in a small frontier town.

After dark, I killed a pinky demon at point blank with a coach gun, but not before it mauled the holy hell out of me; Yuu seemed happy to heal my wounds. We found a facsimile of one of my cars parked halfway under a flimsy wooden structure behind a small hill, and we lay on the large hood of the car as we watched a star storm in the night sky.

 

Man, that was cool.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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2:36 AM

 

Tried delving into my subconscious mind in order to find Yuu's thoughts. The journey was a strategic failure, but a quirky tactical success.

What I found was not a reservoir of thought processes, but a warehouse of neatly boxed-away memories. I had dredged up long-lost memories from throughout my life, ranging from when I was about 4 up to my later elementary school days. Family trips growing up. Things of that nature, which I haven't thought about in upwards of a decade. They were presented to me in stunning detail, as though I were still back in each location featured in the memories.

It was very cool, but it wasn't what I was searching for.

 

Currently going onto the IRC channels to seek advice on how to access active subconscious thoughts instead of stored memories. Maybe there's something small, yet crucial, which I'm missing. Or I've just got to poke around a bit more.

The good news is that delving that deep into my subconscious took next to no effort, just a couple minutes of staring at the popcorn texture of my ceiling. The entryway isn't the problem; it's the winding corridors of my own mind which present trouble.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Well, basically, I just relaxed entirely. First step was to quiet down all my conscious thoughts. Then I stared blankly first at one of my speakers, then at the ceiling (I'm not too good at keeping my mind blank with my eyes closed, strangely). Basically imagine trying to clear your head and go to sleep, but with your eyes open and in a lit environment. Also of note, I had recently woken up from a full sleep, so I wasn't in danger of actually falling asleep again.

 

While I lay there on the couch, staring at the ceiling, my vision ebbed a bit- almost like it was fading to black. It was a little frightening at first, but I suppose it's my own personal sign that I'm indeed slipping into my subconscious.

Memories began to surface of their own accord, with no effort on my part. Only problem is, I wasn't looking for flashbacks! Heh. Still trying to find those elusive thought streams...

Also, new update coming up! Just as soon as my hands thaw and I can type a bit more quickly...

 

 

5:54 AM

 

Just got back from a walk up to the Circle K with Yuu. I didn't actually think about the connection anybody who's seen KWZDK would see until I was already sitting outside the convenience store, eating some cheap snacks. It was a coincidence, I swear.

 

Not sure if I'm reading her right, but I got a slight rush of fear every time a diesel-powered truck or bus came driving by. Is it possible that she's scared of diesels?

I certainly know it's not me. I've spent more than my fair share of time working on those things in the garage I used to work at.

 

Not much else to report. The overwhelming silence kept me from speaking aloud to her until the walk back, when slightly increased traffic made the night less silent, and I didn't feel quite so strange addressing her out loud. Mind-voice speech was largely ineffective, mostly inane and repetitive from my end, probably because of the cold scrambling my brain.

 

 

9:17 AM

 

Just finished reading her the hardback copy of the tale of King Arthur which I lifted back in 7th grade. No apparent reactions to the story, but I noticed this time around it was a lot easier to get into the mode of chumming around and reading a story to someone, rather than just reading a book aloud, alone. Threw in lots of little clarification pointers, controversial alternate takes on events in the story, and sarcastic/suggestive remarks as I normally do when reading a book aloud, or at least, did when I was in high school.

Used to get some real heat for that.

 

Reading that love for one's tulpa is important to their growth, I tried to tell her that I love her, in an innocuous attempt to express that I care about her and enjoy her being around, but I found myself thinking better of it. In my wonderland facsimile ("snapshot") of my place, I looked away from her, and found something else to say instead. I guess I was afraid of how she'd interpret those heavy words, and have some unforeseen effect on our uncomplicated, happy host-tulpa relationship. Score one for belief in sentience, I suppose.

 

 

3:57 PM

 

Just awoke after a tulpatone-augmented forcing session went awry. The session mostly involved attempts at reaching the subconscious and reaching out to Yuu. I thought there was some sort of a connection, a breakthrough of sorts, but my lack of sleep has me too wasted to remember.

At some point I have a hazy recollection of hastily tearing off my headphones and tossing them aside before passing out sitting up in my chair. Breaking for a nap doesn't seem like such a bad idea right about now.

 

I've begun to suspect that Yuu probably feels the effects of me running myself into the ground with exhaustion like this, even though I'm doing it for the express purpose of helping her along. I can only extend the most sincere of apologies to her, and resolve to stop being quite so self-destructive with the amount of effort I put in.

I'm no less determined, however. She means more to me now than I could have possibly imagined back when this began, and I want to do everything I can to push ahead. After a little bit of sleep, anyways.

 

 

9:59 PM

 

Surprisingly refreshed from my nap, though I'm probably going to be out again within a couple of hours.

Before I fell asleep, during that blissful period where my spine decompressed and prevented me from drifting off, I had a little talk with Yuu, one-sided as usual, explaining to her the reasons why I've been so relentless in my efforts to help her. I called her Eucliwood, as I usually do in out-loud conversation, as it's less phonetically confusing in speech than Yuu is, for obvious reasons.

 

Could be my brain acting up on me, but in my snapshot of my home, she slapped me, and told me to start calling her Yuu more often, and cut back on using her full first name (though she didn't actually renounce the name, just told me to use it less often). I was taken aback by this, but all the same was pleasantly surprised. I was not expecting any such action -- or words!

 

Really not sure if this was just me losing my mind, or if she actually prefers to be called Yuu. I'll just assume that was her, and ask her about it later on down the line, when I'm absolutely certain that she's vocal.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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