Amanda
#21
Days #16-17. Friday-Saturday. December 6th-7th. 2013.
The last few days have been ok. I wish I was better at thinking about Amanda more, bt I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I can still feel her sometimes. Sometimes I get reminded of how exciting it will be when she's vocal. I can't tell if this is my own excitement or if she's getting better at emotional manipulation. anyways... still trudging through my lack of motivation.

Hoping it will get better eventually!

Staying hopeful!

Trying to stay committed!

P.S. sorry for any typos. I'm way tired right now and had to type this on my phone instead of the computer.

Oh yeah! So i started getting these really intense itching sensations, mostly on my back, but everywhere at one time or another, ever since I've started forcing. Do any of you think it could be related? Are tulpas known for doing this to get people's attention? It may very well just be the changing weather as well. I just don't know
Yours Truly,
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#22
Days #18-19. Sunday-Monday, Dec 8th-9th. 2013

These last two days have been ok. nothing really new. just doing the same stuff. Had trouble doing anything on sunday but today i was able to do alot more narration than I usually do. anyways... i'm pretty tired right now.

Staying hopeful!
Yours Truly,
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#23
Day #22. Thursday, December 12. 2013.

So to any of you that actually follow this thread, which I suspect is only a few, sorry for being inconsistant lately. schools been stressfull. excuses. i know

well I think my motivation for work on Amanda has bottomed out. Which is bad because... well it bottomed out, but its not at zero, amd I don't think it will get any worse. so it can only get better from here I suppose.

No real progress has been made. Or its been too sleight to say that we have made progress. I think I can feel her better, i still don't know if its her tho...
Been working on visualization. even after all these weeks I still can't even see her face clearly.

I've been slowly but surely getting better at narration also.

All in all I'm rather discouraged. I wish I could just get something from her.

ooh that reminds me though. today we were doing this visualization activity where she writes down different numbers and I just do my best to vizualize what that looks like. I had to puppet her drawing the numbers... I think. its so hard to tell. but anyways, afterwards I thought, "why don't you try to write me a message?" so I did my best to just vizualize her writing without actively puppeting her movements. and I think I saw her write "sorry I can't help." which, if it really was her, probably reffered to some emotional crap/turmoil I'm kinda going through right now.

Now I suck at vizualization still. so I'm not even sure if thats what I saw. or if it was, whether or not I puppeted her.

If it was her though then it came at a great time, and I can't help but to think that it was. even if it wasn't, i feel like it brought us a little closer regardless.

Sorry for any typos again. did this on my phone.

So yeah.
Yours Truly,
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#24
Day #25. Sunday, December 15th. 2013

Darn my impatience and easily discouraged/distracted tendencies!
We're way behind where other people usually are at this point. just looking around. I can still just barely feel her. I don't blame anything or anyone but myself, and I don't intend to quit any time soon.I'm just mad @ myself a little for not being more committed. I really hate that I can't figure it out.

Only did about 20 or so minutes of forcing today. terrible I know. i still cant decide on a wonderland... I thought I'd have one by now. But I still only picture her on a case by case basis. sometimes we're in a coffee shop and I'm just trying to see what she looks like. sometimes we're on a hill cloudgazing @ sunset, and I'm talking to her about how much I wish I could do better by her.

She's starting to really mean alot to me. and its not fair to her that I can't get my lazy ass toflgether

*together and just start doing better.

Its not fair to her and she deserves better. I wish I could just... idk. motivate myself. i know it will be better when I can actually talk to her.. i know it will...

Sorry I'm kind of emotional right now... Things are just not going well amd I feel like crap for not being there for her more.

Idk what else to say

staying hopeful
Yours Truly,
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#25
Day #26. Monday, December 16th. 2013

So to anyone that actually reads this, based on the things I've posted so far, do you think I have what it takes commitment-wise?
I've just been feeling really guilty lately about not giving Amanda the attention/care that she deserves. Its just hard when I haven't hardly seen any reward for all the effort I've put in. Granted I haven't been putting forth alot of effort over the last few days. I take full responsibility for that.

Idk if its a lack of mental capability or simply a lack of motivation. Either way I wish it wasn't so.

All this is normal though as far as I know. I just have to keep at it. Even if it takes a year before she even starts to gain some vocality, I can't stop.

Anyways, today wasn't very good. Narration was crappy. I have finals to study for so i guess I have an excuse there. Its not a good one though.

I just have to do as good as I can tomorrow.

And I really need to work on a wonderland... Like really.
I think that will be my next priority.
Either that or more work on visualizing her.

Man visualizing is so hard. I thought I was alright at it in the beginning but the more I do it the less sure I am with my ability in that area. So gotta work on that. Not much else to report. Haven't made any real progress :/

Staying hopeful,
Yours Truly,
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#26
Lots of people have commitment trouble. It's the biggest problem that no one seems to notice and lack of commitment and ongoing drive is the reason most people don't make it to three months.

Your almost at a month. So far so good right. It's been a busy month because it was the first one. The next month is going to be slower as far as progress goes. There are less exciting milestones to hit and progress won't be easily seen everyday.

It's important to realize that remaining committed is an issue but it is also important not to dwell on it too much. Worrying about not putting enough effort in won't get you anywhere. It just leads to more negativity and ultimately less commitment to the process.

To keep going you have to survive the transition between the process being a novelty/fun experiment to it becoming daily routine/everyday life.
It's a big step but you have probably already seen people say having a tulpa can be a lifelong endeavor.

If I have a bad day with my tulpa I don't let it get me down. Instead of dwelling on my "failure" and lack of focus I instead try to get my tulpa more involved. It's not always easy but it helps to remember that every day is another day survived. Every day no matter how bad it may seem is still a day you have come out on top because there at the end of it your tulpa is still there by your side.

Keep at it. That's really all the advice I can give. Don't treat your tulpa as a chore you have to keep focusing on all the time but instead as a friend, someone you spent time with because you want to. Good luck.
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#27
Day#29. Thursday, December 19th. 2013

Things are usual.
No real progress. I really should be doing better, but thats normal.
I don't really know what to say but I figured I'd post anyway for
the sake of consistency. haha ik i'm not one who can talk about consistency.

All in all I'm trying to stay positive though. I keep telling myself that we'll get there eventually.
Even if it takes years, we'll get there.

I do enjoy spending time with her. even if she can't communicate in any way at all yet.
I just have to keep remembering her. and keeping her in my thoughts.

I still strongly believe that I'll never totally give up on her. but it will definitely take much much much much much longer than I originally expected.
Yours Truly,
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#28
Day #33. Monday, December 23rd. 2013

Well the frequency of my updates is a really good reflection of my commitment level. I forced today for the first time in a while. It wasn't very long, but I felt a lot closer to Amanda afterwards. The phrase keeps popping into my head "I miss you."

Idk if its me talking to her or if its something from her. I know my commitment level is seriously faltering, but I'm not letting it get to me. I'd rather be motivated by the hope of success rather than by the fear of failure, so I'm trying to not let failure get me down, but rather see it as a reminder of the commitment I had in the beginning, and of the hope I had for what she and I could be. I don't know.

We've had almost no progress lately. But I haven't put up much effort either. All in all I'm just trying to stay positive and stay committed.

I'm beyond being mad ad myself for failing. I'm just trying to maintain a perspective of awe at the potential for what could happen in the future in her and between us.

Staying hopeful,
Yours Truly,
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#29
Lost track of days. I've been out of town/dealing with academic stress/dealing with some heavy duty emotional crap so I haven't been able to update. Things have been sucky though. Just taking it day by day. I'm committed not to give up on her, but I only have a solid forcing session once a week or so. And even those only last about 20-30 minutes long. I feel really guilty, but Idk how to change. I'm really lazy as it is.

To be honest I've thought about giving up on her a few times, but I can never bring myself to do it. I still can't even entirely feel her, but I just keep thinking about how that would feel to be abandonded like that. So I just keep telling her that we'll get there eventually. Even if it takes years. I just wish I was better. Theres so much crap going on in my life and its so hard to stay consistant, especially since I've been doing this for so long and I still haven't made hardly any progress whatsoever. I want to do better, I really do... But... I just suck, theres no other way to put it lol. I wish I could get my crap together. She of all people deserves so much better than my pathetic laziness.

Trying to stay hopefull!

If anybody has any advice it's always welcome!!!!
Yours Truly,
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#30
Hey guys!

So things have been pretty crappy with Amanda. Obviously. I don't really know what to say. Today I had my first full conversation with her in a LOOOOONG time. I say "conversation" pretty loosely. It was all one sided.

I can kind of feel her sometimes. It's nice to know we haven't lost ground as far as progress. We just haven't gained any in quite a long time. Other things have become more important to me. I'll admit that. But I still care about her in a weird sort of way.

Of course am as lazy as a sloth. I just hope that one day I'll figure something out and make it all work out. I owe her that much.
Yours Truly,
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