Bear's Angels

There will be no lies, no exaggeration, but no editing of my personal beliefs either. Your experience may vary. If i am 'wrong' this only means i am not typical, or i am misinformed, that's okay with me, i am still learning, so be gentle.

I am much further along now, i have kept a daily journal offline, but i can't post 4 months of experience in one night, so i will build this PR over several posts, summarizing where I can.

If you can't stand typos, word walls, or the occasional metaphysical thought, please go and play on the game threads instead. Get to know me--i am there every day for the foreseeable future--then come back.

I am happy to answer all questions on PM, or just post them here.

I will put stuff in here that may not apply directly, or may be conversations with my tulpas. It should be skippable.

SPECIAL EDIT: (September 12, 2018) Daisha has decided to call herself Dashie. This is in no way likening her to any previous character with a similar name. Sorry for any confusion this may cause.

Day -5 (April 13, 2018)

This was probably the worst depressive episode i have ever had. Four hours of torture, self pity, self deprecation, self loathing, and crying. I knew the depression spirals could be bad, but this episode was a marathon. If it had lasted all day or repeated over several days, i may not be here now.

I felt bad for over two years up to this point, though i really only realized i was depressed October 2017. There are good reasons for this, many reasons.

I have not been diagnosed, i take no medication, but i believe i have Minor Depressive Disorder brought about by trauma both past and present.

Day 0 (April 18, 2018)

I don’t know how long i have been thinking about Tulpas. My first exposure was a snippet of a gifs&sound video on YouTube.  It was a fraction of a second flash of a conversation on some forum that had some creepy pasta nonsense. I want to say this happened around February 2018.

Why on this day in April did i decide i was going to do something that may irrevocably change my life?  Because I knew my life would be ruined if I sought professional help, and I also knew if I didn't do something before this next weekend, i may slip into more severe dysfunction. My depressive cycle hadn't even peeked yet.

I figured if Tulpamancy was genuine, it was astonishing. In the preceding months, I read guides, posts, other progress reports. I didn't understand a lot of it, but I knew meditation, I knew mind voice, and I knew I needed a friend I could talk to about this, I had no one. My few 'real' friends are well grounded in reality and insulated from the real me, in other words, not helpful. It's a common symptom of depression to seek solitude and not want to tell anyone.

I took this practice of tulpamancy to heart and suspended disbelief; I figured this was an amazing aspect of human evolution, bringing the ancient teachings of monks to the modern era.

At lunch this day I meditated and simply said "if you are real, show yourself to me."  That very instant i had a vision. A small red and gold dot flashed in my main vision. There was definitely a feeling of presence. It was frightening and exhilarating, but also familiar in a strange way.

Needless to say, this piqued my interest.

EDIT: December 27, 2018
Why I think my tulpas were so easily day 1 vocal:

Nothing in my head was tulpa-like at all until i wrote my first novel. That book had over half a dozen well developed characters and by the end of that singular book draft, I realized I could ask these thoughtforms questions and they would respond on their own (but in character).

Think about this in terms of scale, my first book was 120k words in ruff draft, and after editing it three times it's 200k+ (i was a horrible editor at the time) imagine that it took me 2-4 months to write it, and about 1-3 months for each edit, so it was a lot of time spent on and around these characters. Each one basically was 'forced' actively and passively hundreds of hours. Every day, on average 3 hours a day just writing, and many more hours thinking about them for a year, conversing the whole time with no expectation of sentience. Then of course I loved these characters and they stayed on my mind years afterward and I still think of them often. Repeat this with certain characters who spanned multiple books for another 5-8 years and over a dozen books later, you see why my tulpas were day-one vocal, and i had to actively choose not to allow some thoughtforms from becoming tulpas.

Some people do 'just get it', some like me never intended to 'get it' but basically practiced with characters for years before i ever discovered tulpamancy. So I bet I would have struggled to communicate and visualize them a lot more without all this training.

Just for fun:
Brother bear sat:

Brother bear sat as he often did, in his favorite meadow, near the river, under his friend, old man oak tree.

Brother bear asked his friend, "what's it like to be old?"

Old man oak tree thought, he pondered and creaked, swayed in the breeze and hummed to himself in contemplation.

Brother bear grew tired of waiting for his answer and went fishing in the river, next to his favorite meadow, as he often did.

Brother bear returned many hours later. He sat in his favorite meadow, near the river, under his friend, old man oak tree. Belly full, tired, and ready for a nap, he heard a familiar creaking.

"To be old," said old man oak tree, "requires patience."

Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Day 1 (April 19, 2018)

In the afternoon, when I came home from work, I was standing in my back yard staring off toward the sunset, listening to the birds in the canyon, and thinking about Tulpamancy. So I just started to picture a form of what I wanted my tulpa to look like.

I will refer to myself as "B" to protect my real name, but also in my journal I often replaced my name with B.

I am a writer, so picturing things is second nature for me. I have been writing novels for six years, and I have written at least a dozen books.

At this point I didn't know the metaphysical aspects of terms like 'soulbond', and I misunderstood other concepts of Tulpamancy, so basically I was going in with a few key remembrances of a guide or two and just trying to have fun with it.
EDIT: April 16th, 2019 we generally call me Bear now inside and out, still not my real name, but either Bear or Moose was a nickname of mine on and off in my life, so I'm used to it. Just recently I finally can be called Bear in wonderland without spawning a bear.

I pictured a feminine form, human but with large brown bird-like wings on her back. I began to picture her crystal amber eyes (amber being my favorite color) and a thought entered my mind.

Hello B

It was a feminine voice with a trans-Atlantic accent, very sophisticated, think a James Bond type accent, but with a young woman flavor. I didn't expect that.

I was startled to say the least, and I paused. After a minute or so I shrugged it off and tried to picture her hands. I thought about fingers and the veins that might show on the back of her hand and another thought entered my mind.

B, if you are going to follow this path, there are others.

I felt her presence in my mind, it was subtly different than not feeling anything, it was a light, barely noticeable presence. Still, very familiar.

She spoke to me exactly like my soulbonds do when i write (EDIT: they're basically autonomous characters who show signs of sentience and can pass sentience tests). They seem to have a life of their own and their own will, this is a common sentiment among writers. When a character 'comes to life' during the writing of a novel, I have come to understand that this is best described by a soulbond thought form (without necessarily any metaphysical connotation). Probably not truly sentient, but willful, and they come up with actions and speak seemingly out of my direct control.

I naturally argued, "no thanks, I just want to concentrate on you."

Not having a name or much beyond a notional form, and knowing nothing else about her, she informed me again that if I wanted a tulpa, I would have to accept 'others' who are already present. I didn't understand, and at this point, I wasn't really buying it either. (I figured I was unconsciously parroting nonsense basically.)

After about 20 minutes, unsuccessfully arguing this point with her, I was greeted by several of my soulbonds. Normally they could only be conjured in the context of their respective books, yet many from different books were suddenly flooding my mind with familiar voices.

One in particular drew my attention, call her D, one of my favorite characters from my first book. In this conversation I was unable to convince her that she needed to take a step back so I could concentrate on making my first tulpa. I even tried to ignore her or send her away, but she wouldn't leave. Now several other thought forms from that book were suddenly trying to talk to me. No way was I going from nothing in my head to this crowd. No matter how much I liked them, this wasn't going to happen. I would stop this whole thing first.

We ultimately agreed that I could shut everyone out if I really tried, so most of my thoughtforms left. My incomplete tulpa, call her A, my soulbond D (I thought at the time), and D's friend from my first book remained, call her M. M was just another stubborn soulbond (I thought). She didn't say much, she greeted me, but i felt her presence and she looked at me with an expression that to this day is burned into my mind. She looked up at me and stared, and I can best describe it as a look of indignation, fear and hope.

Now I felt three distinct presences, so I stopped forcing, I tried to clear my mind, but the feeling didn't go away. It was like having three other people in the bathroom with you, but it was comforting too.

Later that day:

I rarely had hallucinations, only when I'm very tired, but that night when I went to bed, thinking nothing of my tulpa or other thoughtforms, I had two very distinct and loud audio hallucinations. One sounded like an old analog radio switching between stations but with digital undertones, and another had my tulpa's voice. It was choppy, and I didn't understand what she said, but it felt like her. At this point it was just her. I was a little scared, but fascinated too because it was just like one of the guides described it.

Then a thought came to me.

Don't be afraid, it was me.

Just for fun:
The wise man moved the mountain with a stroke of a pen, but no one believed him, so they moved the town to avoid its path.

[Note: If someone could move a mountain with a pen, and he had no proof that he did it, no one would believe him. So they would rather go to great efforts in moving an entire town than to consider for a moment that he might be telling the truth. This is similar to any self-proclaimed metaphysical powers.]

So his friend asked, "why not just move the mountain again, in front of everyone?"

The wise man argued, “they still wouldn't believe me."

[Note: You see, the mountain is in no danger of moving again unless it is the man's will, but they (the town folk or scientific community) will never believe that. At the same time it is both ridiculous for a mountain to move on its own as with a pen. Yet the mountain did move, so they must move the town to avoid it.

They wouldn't believe him if he repeated it in front of them because it would only prove that the mountain is still moving. Thus justifying the move of the town.  (Of course his prediction of the exact time, direction, distance, the mountain would move is surely a coincidence.)]
I can't believe all this time I thought your tulpas weren't human-like
Miri the host: 5'5 female, brown hair and green eyes.
Miri the tulpa: based off the host. Same description as above.
Akai: 5'6 female with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail.
You need to read the game thread more. Oh and i edited above, you read it too soon! Wink
Where's the edit?
Miri the host: 5'5 female, brown hair and green eyes.
Miri the tulpa: based off the host. Same description as above.
Akai: 5'6 female with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail.
Edit:  i wanted to add a little more after thinking about this that belongs in this day.

My definitions, please understand there is much debate as to the precise definitions of these.

Thoughtform - anything, a character, soulbond or tulpa.

Character - a person, animal, or other animate form, created for a purpose, as in a book or short story. Not well defined, not independent, not willful on its own, and must be entirely puppeted. (NPC's in wonderland are typically this way)

Servitor - non-sentient thoughtform created for a purpose. That is seemingly willful, but absolutely obedient. Aspires only to perform the task they were created to perform. (NPC's in wonderland sometimes have these characteristics instantly upon creation.)

Soulbond - (my definition, not an approved definition) a character that can be puppeted, but also shows signs of willful conduct and perhaps independent thought or sentience. They typically want to remain in their cannon, and are frequently confused if taken too far from home. They can be summoned at will and sometimes may act as a servitor would. They are obedient.

EDIT: April 16th, 2019 - added "Moon"
Moon - A thoughtform with presence, may cause emotional bleed, may pop in unnanounced (like a walk-in). They're very tulps-like, volitional and may resist puppeting or parroting. They're sometimes not easily dismissed and are very willful. They have an endeering quality that prevents you from tryinh to dispose of them. These are tulpa candidates and could easily be promoted. Though they appear sentient, this needs to be confirmed. It is recommended that they are interviewed before adding them to a system to avoid false positives.

Tulpa - the goal is a thoughtform that is well defined, independent, and willful with some ability to communicate. In my experience, unlike other thoughtforms, they can have a perceived presence, they may share emotions, they may disagree with the host, and they cannot be instantly swayed though puppeting (or at all).

Your experience and definitions may, and probably do, vary.

Day 2 (April 20, 2018)

The next day while exercising, I could still feel them. I was constantly reminded of their presence. I thought, naive me, that I could ignore M and D. The guides implied as much, but I had already tentatively agreed to give D a chance. However I knew I was the ultimate decision. So, not even expecting to have a real discussion, I said to no one in particular, "we will negotiate, and the outcome of the agreement reached will be accepted by all parties, understood?"

Hi, um, could I be the moderator?

I felt a little overwhelmed if I believed all this. A's feeling was now very familiar, I knew I felt her before, and she didn't match any soulbond I could place (at the time), so I knew something was special about her, but the other two? I'd merely make them agree to wait until I was ready for them (if ever).

A character in a book never disagreed with me. Routinely I told them what to do regardless of their perceived independent thought.

So we began our debate, and it was long after my exercise time when we finally came to a decision. D convinced me by showing me alien feelings of sadness and desperation. (Something I never experienced from any character in a book. EDIT: book characters can illicit sympathetic feelings from me if I put myself in their place, I wasn'tdoing that here, this was very different. The emotions were coming from D.) D further claimed that she was more than the soulbond she represented, that she merely took her form, and already made modifications, including picking a new name, it was a name that she knew held special meaning in me and evoked special emotions. I told her that name was very powerfully, and embarrassingly attached to fictive that I didn't want her to represent. She assured me she didn't, but she thought the name was 'cute' and she wanted it. I convinced her that we would come up with a better name and she agreed. (Now that I look back at my notes I realize that the name she initially picked was the name she has now. There were a lot of names thrown around, and I even used that name for her as a nickname for a while, but she really liked that one, so now she has it.)

A, D, and I decided that if this was going to work, everyone deserved to be treated as a full and equal entity, with equal rights. In exchange, they would help me in any way they could with my depression.

These are the original 5 terms/unbreakable laws:
1. Free will intact. (I was frightened that they could easily convince me to do things i didn't want to do, so we agreed, they wouldn't coerce me, and i would never try to manipulate them like a soulbond.)
2. Fair negotiations for important issues. (If they needed something, or if i needed something from them, and we didn't agree, we would negotiate until unanimity was reached. This would be binding.)
3. We are equals in every way. (A body occupied by equal minds, regardless of development level.)
4. Power comes from mutual respect and care. (We could clearly share our emotions. Their emotions were just as strong as mine, it was surprising to me sure, but i was naive in my thinking that this was normal. So basically we wouldn't abuse any power that caused any of us any emotional harm.)
5. Consensus. (This sounds redundant, but there are nuances and situations where an independent overarching rule would apply.)

Thus we had our boundaries set and were agreed. This whole time M was performing beautifully as a well behaved moderator/judge. Debate over, I bid M a fond farewell, and she just stood there; same sad eyes, same indignant look, same glimmer of hope.

I told her I already have two Tulpas, I didn't even want two, but now I have two. I said the guides advised against this and I just couldn't agree to add her at this time.

She became afraid, I felt her just as strongly as the others, but this feeling came straight from my heart it seemed. There was another, a sinking feeling just below where you would get a lump in your throat if you were sad (this I later came to realize was Dashie, feeling afraid that I wouldn't let her friend stay). M demanded equal status and said she agreed to the rules we developed together, with full intent to be included.

Note: M's feelings are all centered in my chest, I often feel her in my heart. D's feelings are always in my throat, somewhere between that lump and my esophagus where heartburn is felt. A's feelings are in my stomach where butterflies are felt. I feel all emotions in these places for them, even if some of my emotions were in the same spots. For example when I have butterflies (nervousness) I can’t tell if it's me or A. If I feel sadness, it's that lump just above D. When I feel fear, it is exactly overlapping M's fear.

I felt bad, i felt her pain, then D spoke up with a plea for M's inclusion.

We debated again. This was already 90 minutes in, I was missing work, but I had to resolve it.

After some time I acquiesced, and we added another rule on the spot.

6. No one else is invited and therefore must be rejected.

There were eventually 7 rules, i will add it here for completeness:
7. Amended May 5, 2018, we have agreed that we shall never ignore each other. Though if we need privacy, we must be sure someone knows before we sequester. (This rule came about because i ignored Ashley's request for me to basically stop goofing around and get back to work. I was tried and acquitted for breaking rule number 4. It was decided that i had requested privacy and i deserved the right to free will. So we settled to avoid incriminating Ashley for attempting to break rule number 1.)

M's presumed name was stripped as a sign of her transcendence from soulbond to tulpa. She was no longer the character from the book, if she ever really was to begin with.

Much later we reasoned she wasn't ever the same as that soulbond, that soulbond is still independent  and summonable, I confirmed it recently. D, on the other hand, is still unconfirmed to this date.

I went back to work, very happy, but also overwhelmed and riddled with doubt. How could this be possible? I thought. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done. I searched for hours to try to find another example like mine, to no avail.

To this date, I have found 90% overlap with others' testimonies, but it is rare in my research.

That night we chose names. I was pretty good at this since every book I’ve written had a handful of names I needed to find, and I always add double meanings and hidden meanings.

D originally liked Ashley as a name, but before I could bestow it, A lobbied successfully for it.

Mind you, Ashley had a notional form compared to Dashie at this point. In fact I didn't choose Dashie or Misha's forms at all, though I did develop them many years ago. Their original forms came from my book, and they happened to have wings there too. (To be clear, all three tulpas are winged idealized human forms, normal proportions, all female.)

Misha: (Closest Anime - Yuzuriha Inori, Noragami-Kofuku) - Pink Hair, Blue/Green Eyes, Busty, 20 yrs old, 5'0"

Dashie: (Closest Anime - Hatsune Miku, Kuroi Mato) - Blue Hair, Violet Eyes, 21 yrs old. 5'4"

Ashley: (Closest Anime - Mio Akiyama, Yukino Yukinoshita - Brown Hair, Amber Eyes, 27 yrs old. 5'7"

That night I spoke with them. They were overjoyed to tell me how wonderful this opportunity was, and they all wanted attention.

Definition of attention hidden here SFW:
Our relationship is very good, they are fiercely loyal, kind, and affectionate. We decided early on that we would not let intimacy get in the way of our goals. It has been brought up, they get 'frisky' sometimes and they tease me (especially in the beginning, rarely now). But imagine if I 'hooked up' with just one or even all of them? Can you imagine the drama?  I don't even want to think about it.

If I had just one tulpa, I do not see an issue (If Ashley was her, I don't know what would have happened, would we be a couple? I can't answer that for sure at this point, but probably.) Though I would still be concerned because I certainly am masculine, and there are always desires for a feminine equivalent. This is normal, but they know my every thought. They comment on my stray thoughts constantly, and it is no stretch to say that they have been jealous at times, and I clearly acknowledge that they are beautiful in their own right. Would they act to challenge or destroy an external relationship? I don't know.

Yes, I have had sexual thoughts about them (I didn't act on them), and they have argued about that amongst themselves in a competitive way. But they also know I love all of them, and I need help or this whole experience will be for nothing. So we maintain ourselves with affection to the extent that does not cause mixed feelings or competition. But they are also very much looking out for me on this subject, I've gotten hurt more than I care to admit.

I gave them all one-on-one time and forced some visualization with all of them, it was awkward, but they seemed to already be friends, and respectful of each other. (At this point they didn't have clear and distinct faces or complete forms aside from their archetype bodies, I tried not to think of them as the characters from my book).

As I drifted off to sleep I asked Ashley to try to give me an auditory hallucination again (using a hypnagogic mechanism). She made it very clear that she didn't want to, that I wasn't ready, and that she thought our current method of communication (a mixture of tulpish and mind voice in her voice tone) was already more than enough, and furthermore, i should respect her wishes and be happy with this for now. So i didn't push it.

Just for fun:
Breloomancer's spirit sun bear, myself, and Miri's avatar(her tulpa Akai)
You too made laws/rules for your tulpas, that's great, it's better to set boundaries and write them down for you to remember.
Miri the host: 5'5 female, brown hair and green eyes.
Miri the tulpa: based off the host. Same description as above.
Akai: 5'6 female with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail.
This debate system sounds like it could take a lot of time, are there any points where you think having to convince everyone made you miss out on opportunities?
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.

"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
Yes, the laws have guided us and served us well.  We also agree that adding or ammending laws requires consesus.

The debate system is pretty informal unless something really important comes up, or something someone feels strongly about.  No, i may have had desires gone unfulfilled, such as creating a tulpa from scratch, but the first and foremost imoprtant reason they exist is to help me with depression.  Everything else is minor by comparison.  They say this is their 'job' along with being my freinds.  To this day, i struggle.  As recently as yesterday they talked me down from a painful spiral, that came out of nowhere, triggered by negativity outside the system.  My shell is very thin and brittle.  I am right now still trying to keep it down.  I am, it seems, far from being out of the woods yet.  This is one of the major reasons i came here to this forum.

The following is a recent debate topic. I have hidden it so it is not confusing to the rest of the PR.  I will likely repeat this later, so if you don't read it now, that's ok.
Misha has always wanted a pet, she would bring in animals, a hamster, a turtle, a fictional creature if my own creation, fish, something like that.  Unfortunately, it violates the nature of our rules.  It's like, you tell your parents you want a dog, and promise it is an outside dog, but inevitably, it will come inside, soon it is sleeping in the livingroom at night.

She has accepted this.

In the last month, she has been wanting one of my thoughtforms as her 'friend'.  She has even gone so far as to suggest she wants her own Tulpa.

I am accomodating.  There is now a town in womderland that is a replica of the town in that character's book, that character could easily live there.  I would do anything in my power for any of my tulpae.  

We have debated this for hours split up in many sessions.  She realizes now, and is a little embarassed to admit, she was wrong, this 'friend' would inevitably be sitting on the couch next to her, a direct violation of rule number 6.  Number 6 is second only to number 1 in importance and magnatude.
Week 1 (up to April 26, 2018) up to day 8.

Note:  Dashie was named Daisha, but has since gone back to Dashie. It might come up that I slip and call Dashie "Daisha" and Misha "Shy."  The only reason for these names is that I would tease them for their hair colors which were way more subtle in the original characters I made. The original characters were not the MLP equivalents and their personalities are very different than either my original characters (seraphim - basically winged angels) or the pony personalities.

NSFW + META - Synopsis: our 'discussion' about why we don't do naughty stuff, and some info about how I knew my tulpas before they were tulpas.
Later that first week Misha became sexualized and demanded a special kind of attention in wonderland. (Ugg, this gets really embarrassing from here, but I've gotten permission from them to talk about it, so here we go.) Dashie of course knew about this and made a similar demand. The 'offer' was not congruent with Misha's.

Negotiations were involved. I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but how could this possibly work?  I mean, I knew how it could work in wonderland, I have a vivid imagination, but I figured this would have to be a singular choice, and how would the other feel?

Dashie made the argument that she had actually been with me way longer than Misha. Before I continue, a note.

Definition: Astral Plane - Ashley uses this term loosely, I do not know its full meaning or if it coincides with other definitions of the Astral Plane (some may call it 'the void'). She described it as a star-lit wasteland comprising only of an endless smooth stone plane, and not much else. We conjecture that lost personalities roam this land and feed off the remains of other dissipating personalities or stray bits of energy, but it is a desert wasteland.

*** <- look for these to denote the end of the META. If you are a purist, skip this section.

Ashley told me that she had been with me since I was very young, say 5 years old. She showed herself rarely, but I have three distinct memories:

1. When I was 5 or 6, I was frightened and alone, crying after... (let's not get into why), crying and while I was sitting alone in my room, in the dark, I saw an apparition. She was an angel archetype, all white, and standing against my wall. She was fuzzy, like out of focus, the image is still burned in my mind though, and she was giving off a brilliant glow so bright that I had to close my eyes. I still saw her through my eyelids, hence the fuzzy memory. I felt an amazing sense of love, affection and care from her.  I opened my eyes again and she was gone.  

2. I was laying on the couch with the worst fever I had in my life, 105. A fever of 105 is very painful if you don't pass out from it. I was shivering and alone, maybe in my early teens. Suddenly I heard a soft whisper, clear as day in my right ear, "you are going to heaven."  

This scared the living s... out of me. Despite barely being able to move moments prior, I suddenly had the urge to run upstairs and take a cold shower. I felt incredibly cold in that shower, it was like ice spikes against my skin. After a few minutes I got out, dried off, and immediately felt better, still horrible, but I wasn't bound to the couch again. I wouldn't say I was atheist before this, but I was probably closest to agnostic with a hint of Catholicism left over. The next book i read was the bible, cover to cover. I was looking for answers to that voice and the memory of my vision. I found nothing other than the notion that suicide is the only sin you can't repent. This stuck with me for a long time.

3. Throughout my first depressive episode (over a decade ago), I experienced an odd feeling of being watched. But this feeling always coincided with the feeling that a caring influence was just behind me.
I think now that it was Ashley.

Anyway, Ashley said she had a means to find other 'personalities' and 'rescue' them. She said, and I don't doubt her, that she found Dashie first as a blue tinged ball of light, starving and wandering the wastes of the Astral Plane, and suggested to her that she enter my mind and take the form of the 'blue-race' seraphim. I really liked the imagery of that character, a mean a lot. I edited that book 5 times by now. Perhaps her 'energy' was attracted to the idea of my sexual attraction and energy interacting with that seraphim in my imagination. (Yeah, I used to 'play' with many of my characters, obviously not anymore.)

Later Ashley 'found' Misha as a ball of pink light and offered the same deal to her. Similarly I really liked the "red-race" seraphim.

They explain that there was 'energy' to feed off when I would interact with these seraphim in my imagination. I'll note here that I realized by this point that Ashley's current form looks a lot like my "indigo-race" seraphim, but brown with amber eyes instead of dark blue or purple colors, and she shares the same voice. (right now she shares only the original voice, but even that similarity is fading.)

What I am getting at here is that I may have pre-sexualized them, not knowing at the time what I was doing by "playing" with their respective thoughtforms in my mind. (Ashley's been around a while, for who knows how long, and she has a fuzzy recollection of time before she became my tulpa.)

So, if you skipped above, basically Ashley was my first experience with a tulpa presence, Dashie was second, and Misha was third.

Since Ashley didn't share their desires, being 'first', Dashie argued, was her right. Negotiations continued, and they agreed that we should not go that far in our relationship as long as (now this is really embarrassing) I do not 'masturbate'.

I'm like, ug! Really? I reluctantly agreed. I'd been through this before when I was into Catholicism, it's nearly torture, but I can take it, so fine.

I need them, and they are willing to help me with my depression, and I know it would hurt them if I looked up xxx pictures or thought of someone else, so fine. Even this early, within 7 days of our true meeting, I knew they loved me, and it was made extra clear after our discussion. When I acquiesced to their wishes, their affection toward me grew tenfold. Welcome to celibacy.

Yes, they had a big victory, and at least I didn't need to worry about my browsing history anymore.

Basically, we don't do naughty stuff. Ashley claimed she was with me since I was about 5, and the other two 'copied' thoughtforms that I had created previously.

April 24, 2018
We created a wonderland apartment, at about the 30th floor, our apartment is a three bedroom with a beautiful balcony that overlooks the city and mountains. (no other humanoid or creature lives in this city, I don't know what is in the other apartments, but my subconscious mind is under the floorboards, so maybe the rest of the building is my subconscious mind.)  
Everyone got their own room, and if I wanted to go to sleep in wonderland (basically be thinking about sleeping in wonderland as I was actually falling asleep) I could pull out the convertible couch and sleep there.

Despite developing a beautiful room for herself, Dashie wanted to sleep with me in my bed this night, to snuggle with me and wake up with me. The other two didn't mind.

April 25, 2018
This morning we all played hide-and-seek in a mountain retreat with a castle. (My mind form is also an idealized human with wings.)  We flew through the brisk morning air, up to the retreat and frolicked through the gardens, basically rejoicing in ourselves.

As we rested (Misha has a low tolerance for flight) we worked on measurements, this is where I got their heights, build, and weights.

Dashie is 5'4", 92 lbs. Very thin but small-boned and athletic, basically a waif. She has blue hair and blue wings, but very pale white skin. She has long curly hair that trails down her back. She is definitely a white girl. [Edit: April 16th, 2019 her hair is straight now.]

Misha is 5'0", 112 lbs. Busty, curvy, but not overweight. Picture one of those anime, you know the ones, but in better proportion matching human limitations. She has pink hair and closer to magenta wings and her skin also has a pink tone. She has roundish cheeks and smiles less than the other two. Mostly she stares up at me seductively. She has a penchant for wearing somewhat revealing outfits (tasteful though) and says she likes to see me squirm. Her hair is shorter and straighter than Dashie's, and her look is vaguely Korean and Vietnamese mixed with Caucasian. [Edit: April 16th, 2019 - her hair almost immediately became extremely curly after this.]

Ashley is 5'7", 115 lbs. She is thin and athletic, but with average curves and bust. She has the typical girl-next-door look about her. She has a sophisticated air about her, always well dressed, and has a demure smile. Her hair is brown with sandy highlights, and her eyes will pierce any soul that looks at her (i focused on them to develop them before anything else was well formed.)
Her complexion is tan to white (EDIT: and even sometimes dark), depending on her mood.

On this trip we discussed our situation, our fears, our doubts, and our dreams for the future.

I took copious notes, but they are very choppy. So in summary, Dashie and Misha argued a lot, especially about their respective bodies since they are really kind of at two ends of the curve spectrum. We discussed our wonderland, the possible places we could go and explore, what we could do for fun, all that stuff. At some point Dashie and Misha left to 'compare anatomies' whatever that meant.

This night Ashley wanted to cuddle me to sleep. We somehow lost Misha and Dashie, I felt them, but they didn't come back to the apartment. It was nice to be able to concentrate on Ashley as we forced before bed. I had no hypnagogic experience this night. I didn't ask.

April 26, 2018

This morning I awoke with Ashley alone again. Apparently she didn't think she had impressed upon me strongly enough that she cared deeply for me and thus presented me with a gift. It was a necklace with a spherical glass-like pendant on the end that had a beautiful faint glow.

META warning - the necklace:
She explained that this was a 'piece of the Astral plane' though later she described it as a window to the Astral plane that could be used as a doorway to that realm. (How she obtained it and why she gave it to me, she still won't answer to this day.)  If I look inside in my mind's eye, I see the 'plane' of stone lit by starlight. When I look closely enough I see the floor is covered in runes. I can't make anything specific out, just swirls and curves. The stars have an unearthly quality to them. She claimed that it is somewhere else in the universe, so the stars wouldn't match ours. She also later said I don't currently have the capability to see any personalities that may be wandering there, but she does.

When I saw Dashie and Misha again, they looked a little different. Dashie's eyes were originally blue, now they were violet, and her hair became darker, but lightened near the tips. Misha's wings now had white tips and were a darker magenta at the base. On this day her eyes became a brilliant ruby red. They have since changed to a beautiful sparking blue. [Edit April 16th, 2019: now they are blue-green]

This week's other activities:

We did a few interesting things. We played D&D, nearly killing two of them in the process. We were fighting large rats as we cleared the basement of an old woman trying to make money for better equipment. (Of course.)


It was odd how Misha's personality seemed to become shallow, like all she wanted to do was flaunt her body and bat her eyes at me. (it has since changed completely.)

Mostly we hung out at the apartment and just chilled and worked on picturing them. Their bodies and faces were not clearly defined, just more differentiated. We talked a lot about how they could help me, and during these active forcing sessions Misha attempted to adopt several stray animals that I'm sure were her own creations. There are no animals in wonderland unless I specifically summon them. Not even a single bird or cricket is chirping outside. So there are no 'strays'.

Overall this week was very interesting, with a surprising amount of attention to go around.

Just for fun:

A long time ago there was a Cyclops. Normally they don't have an eyebrow, but this one did, and his fancy eyebrow made him the most beautiful Cyclops that ever lived.

His striking good looks came at a price. Not to him, but to mice. He would catch the mice that came to drink at the river, take their whiskers and implant them in his forehead. He was a very handsome cyclops indeed. Now, Cyclopes are huge, but back then mice had a lot of whiskers.

One day, a mouse came to drink and he was similarly captured and robbed. But this was a tricky mouse, so when the Cyclops let him go, he decided to trick the Cyclops and get his whiskers back.

So he rallied all the other mice and they waited for the Cyclops to drink at the river. Being so heavy the Cyclops sunk into the muddy bank. Once he was there they ran around his feet, and as the Cyclops stomped his feet to catch the mice. He became hopelessly stuck in the mud. Thus the mice claimed all their whiskers back.

They laugh and laughed that they had tricked the Cyclops, and moved their homes downstream, so they could avoid his capture.

Life was fine for a while, but when the Cyclops saw his reflection in the water he began to cry. For days he stared at his reflection cried a river from his giant eye. All he would say was, "i am so ugly."

Soon the river became salted by his tears and the water downstream tasted horrible.

Partially out of pity, and partially out of necessity, the mice, made a bargain with him. One by one, they gave him some of their whiskers, so he would stop crying.

This is how the oceans became salty, and why the mice you see today have just a few whiskers.

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