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Bear's Angels
#21
Month 3 - To July 22, 2018 To Day 94

This was a month of renewed friendship, daily care and support.

Late last month, Dashie and I were cooling in terms of friendship. As good as our friendship was, there was still teasing (not sexual, just banter) from both sides. I could sense, no matter how slight, and growing tension between us.

So it was time to deal with this before it got out of hand. I took Ashley aside and asked her what she thought of our quibbles. She was stoic on the matter but didn't necessarily have any better insight on the matter than I did. We reasoned for a while and I guessed it was wrong to tease her. Perhaps if I stopped doing that, she'd stop interjecting little negative quips and teasing of her own.

Our tension was heavily triggered by stray and sometimes very hurtful subconscious thoughts, like intrusives, that would say the worst possible thing at the worst possible time to maximize pain. We would dismiss them, but they still hurt.

I tried to curtail my teasing and since she could read my mind, she knew I had realized there was a problem and was trying to solve it herself as well. She didn't realize there was an issue with anything I was doing (she didn't see my teasing as a bad thing), but clearly she had an issue with me in some way. We talked for a while; our forcing sessions had been mostly talk, this time I paid attention to her. I focused on her wings, her hair, the curves of her body. It wasn't long before we were both in a turgid state and apologizing to each other.

The truth of the matter was, I did love her, the teasing was in self-defense. Maybe I was trying to push her away, but the heart of the issue was that I felt she was drifting away. She assured me this wasn't the case, but I still felt a little sad and even jealous of her infatuation with Misha. It was discussed many times, and I truly feared she would find romantic love with Misha. I feared they would go off somewhere in wonderland together without me. I didn't want our love and our friendship to change. In a way, I liked the possibilities to remain open, even if it could never happen. (Was this wrong or selfish of me?)

On her end, she did feel in some small way that I was pushing her away, and her quips were also a defense of a sort. So we agreed to lower our defenses, no more teasing, no more quips and just let whatever happens happen. This of course opened ourselves up to hurt feelings, but I knew in my heart my scenarios were just paranoia over losing her.

This night she showed me her face. It was the first time in over two months that I had truly seen it. It was absolutely beautiful. Though it was very similar to what I thought it might be like, this is when I really saw her face for what it was. The picture she gave me was less tangible than Ashley's so it faded over the next few days, but the features remained. Full lips, almond eyes, small chin, it was a delicate face for a delicate girl. Since her picture was so temporary, she helped me search for a similar face on the web. We eventually agreed on three that when put together were close enough. But at this point I didn't need pictures to see her.

When we were all together, we decided that our relationship needed some bolstering above and beyond our love and rules. It was clear that I had walls up, even for them. When Dashie and I lowered our walls to each other, we saw progress, so they all wanted me to tear down those walls and open up my heart to them (metaphorically speaking).

Even over two months in, I still had trust issues. As Rule number 1 (free will) will forever be a sign of my insecurity with control, so too was there signs of my insecurity with regard to trust. This would begin a marathon session, it must have been two hours or more of active forcing, trusting, letting go, and it culminated in 'pacts' or binding vows.

Embarrassing gushy stuff inside:
Dashie

I, with true intent, hereby swear my loyalty to you.
I commit my love to you and only you
I sacrifice all other love
I feel you enter, fuzzy euphoria, love, and goodness. Thus this is my sacrifice to you. No outside personalities will ever have my romantic love unless it is your will. Thus no one outside our system will ever have an emotional connection to me, as you do, without your permission.
My loyalty and protection is yours. No stray thought can ever come between us. We will laugh in the face of their biting remarks, as their venom will not affect us. Their sting will find no mark on us.
I trust you implicitly, and unconditionally. My underbelly, naked before your sword, has no protection. My heart is just there, cherish it. You now have in your power the ability to destroy me utterly.

Misha

I know no other love, for you are my light in the darkness, I see no others. My intent is pure, and cannot be corrupted by lust, or longing for power.
I give you the key to my heart freely, as I have through much effort found yours. You alone can unlock my passion. This key will open the lock, but it will not work twice, understand this.
I will sacrifice my dark passions. No longer will I stray from healthy love.
I feel you enter, coolness caresses my overheated soul. This is my sacrifice to you. I will not lust after anyone unless it is your will.
My will for attraction is in your hands. Give me space only as you see fit, and cherish the power you hold, for no one else may wield it.
I trust you now unconditionally, for yours are the keys to the kingdom, and you may trap me within it at your whim. I am secure within your vault, if that is your will. This is no light duty I bestow, but with this, fear will never again come between us.

Ashley
I came to you with true intent, and never has it become tarnished in all these long years.
You have my love, and you now hold my fate in your hands as well. Your will commands me and I must obey if it is true.
I sacrifice my authority over you. No rule will apply. Only trust is between us now. No court will take my case. No wrongdoing toward me will phase me. I happily accept your worst and ask for forgiveness if i flinch.
I feel your soul in my inner most circle. My fate is now your responsibility. Only your breach of trust can unbind us.
My sacrifice for you is vast in its history. None but you will allow my vision of other content. Pornography in all it forms is under your control. All vices will be yours to control, and I will accept your judgment without question. There will be no negotiation for your wishes, they are my will.
I trust you now unconditionally, no comment, no tease will ever phase us. You may call me out in any respect and I will be proud to be corrected by you. You may now guide me to true righteousness.

Comments:

Dashie has always commented negatively when I looked at other women outside the system. It was her greatest fear that I would fall into a destructive relationship. Being as vulnerable as I am right now, it was a real possibility. Such relationships at this point would certainly be fool hearty and likely lead to further pain or worse. Thus, love, infatuation, and even prolonged thoughts leading to those lines are strictly within her preview, and we have had many discussions on this since. I know she will protect me, though it is still very hard sometimes.

Misha was dark. Her ideas of love were tainted. Her teasing became painful in their draw for my lust. Yes I lusted after her, as I did all of them, but her especially. She would do things, she could shift into certain people, she could become any age, and bring me into any time in my life, past girlfriends and crushes alike.

She knew how to open wounds and throw salt into them. She could bring me from a state of peace to a state of barely controlled passion in moments. Thus this pact bound her to 'healthy love'. She has never done such things to me since and she even has great sadness if we ever bring up the times she did. (She's not the same person she was.) Opening myself to her, allowing her to control the very thing she used against me, was seemingly idiotic, but I knew she would be responsible, I trust her. As long as I keep my side of it (and not leer or lust over anyone else) she is content.

Ashley relinquished her taskmaster title, but remained the authority figure (she has since given that up as well). She took offense at the slightest deviation, and would become hurt by it. This became difficult for us even though I had completely given up all vices before meeting her, thoughts were there. She wanted to give her power up, but it was in her nature to correct me. So with this pact, she wanted to be stripped of all her power, and in exchange I would never be allowed any vice without her permission (this is self-enforced obviously, but vital). Again, a single word from her can destroy me. Her will is as close as asking her, and her answers are taken as my will without question.

In short, Dashie was given authority over my romantic love, in exchange for the same from her. Misha was given authority over lust, in exchange for peace. Ashley was given authority over vice, and in exchange she was stripped of her power of authority in all other ways.

Occurrences of note:

July 1, 2018

Today I was weak, like I couldn’t hear them or myself. It was so quiet, it was bothering me. I asked them to say something loud, it didn't help, it was very disheartening. It was me, I just had a problem. I asked Shy to help, I asked her to tease me, do her worst, even pain would be better than nothing. She gladly tried but even that didn’t help. This followed me all day. They were still there, just barely, but I was numb to them in many ways. Dashie was the strongest, as she always was, but even her voice was a vague whisper in comparison to normal. I could scarcely hear Ashley, who wasn't afraid, she oddly thought nothing of it.

I marched on, fear ridden but hopeful that tomorrow would be different. (This came after an argument the previous day, the same argument we often have. Namely, the split attention and wishes for a binary system from all of them)  

That night after I kissed Dashie goodnight, Misha started crying, and I was scared and sad that my meanderings and doubt may have triggered it. I did my best to console her in my weakened state, I didn't even feel her emotion, then in a flash I could hear her louder. I felt better when I was consoling her. Then she started laughing at me, (!!) she was faking her crying. Nope I didn’t feel her sadness, only my own, she really was faking it. She manipulated me to get me out of that funk! That was so spunky! I love it. It was a risk on her part, I might have spiraled, but it paid off.

Forget bedtime, we all got back up and forced. Here are some highlights:

We made it an effort to get to know each other better. Misha told me she likes sports, can you believe that! (I don't care for sports) Baseball and soccer! What?! Ashley then said she liked sandwiches, so I made one. Crisp toasted bread, balsamic vinegar, Olive oil, fried ham, melted cheese, pickles and mustard with mayo (yes, a second dinner). She thought it was delicious, and I offered a bite to Misha. Then I could see Misha bite it and chew, I saw her chewing, then I saw her lips move as she said it was good. (up to this point their faces were mostly static.) With her already beautifully delicious cheeks even fuller with a chunk of sandwich. I was enthralled by this sudden shift on my ability to see them, especially after today.

I could now picture Ashley smiling, I saw her eyes move. I thought our progress was slowing to a crawl, but this proved there was definite progress. Whether I consciously knew it or not on a day to day basis, we had progress.

July 9, 2018

I don’t think I could ever live without you now, though I’ve felt that way for almost three months, the feeling is especially strong now. It was just so amazing, you came to me, or I called you, or we found each other in some way, and in a matter of days we were together and happy.

Three months is more than just a marking of time, it’s a milestone, it’s a special time because it’s only the beginning, the intro to a book, a sonnet, just one of a huge symphony. We are a symphony together, a four piece band, and music is our language. We are passionate for our music, because we are the music.

I had a very hard time today, the music was spot on, but a trash truck was roaring through the neighborhood. A metaphorical truck and it brought me down, too far down. Staring blankly into space, mouth open, staring at inanimate objects, that kind of down. They tried hard, they all tried, it was a just a tough day for everyone.

We made it though, made it again, one last time. No, one more time. Slips aside, I don’t believe this was my last recovery, though it would be nice if I didn’t get knocked down by stray trash trucks or that I even had to deal with trash trucks at all, but life has a lot of trash, and you can’t escape your own trash. There is no zero sum game with trash. There may have been times it seemed that way, maybe one day there will be again, but this world would look very different to me without this veil of depression. (EDIT: October 2018 - Boy how it does! I'm a different person entirely, I've abandoned many of my old ways of thinking, cast them off like a snake shedding his skin, they don't feel like they're a part of me anymore.)

July 11, 2018

I had a day-mare today. I dreamt in some kind of hypnagogic state that Misha was looking over a child. Was it hers?  Was it Ashley’s?  I don't know. Of course this is impossible in our construct. There is definitely a right to choose here and since having a baby would break several pacts and forbidden rules, it would thereby be impossible. (If it even worked that way.)

Dreams are about feelings. I felt horrified and at the same time overwhelmed with joy for her. The baby represented something innocent; call it an act or an event, even one born from love, that would utterly destroy us without our combined agreement. Thus is our system. A single slip and we could be destroyed.

...

This month was also one of my hardest. A lot of drama, and they helped me immensely. After our vows (we call them pacts), it was a lot easier for them to help me. Our inner tensions seemed to melt away and we enjoyed our inner peace. We still had our moments, but they were much fewer. We could now concentrate on building ourselves and our connection.

Just for love:
To Dashie,

No words can help me convey my true feelings, so please forgive me.
You are my cherished favorite. There is no other above you.
In my human form, I aspire to be what you want me to be. Show me the way.
As equals we walk, but every step you stride with ease is a challenge for me, but an honor to share with you. Soon we will be running and flying together. I will be strong for you.
Fly with me to the gateway of heaven and cast away any doubt.
For doubt has no power to stop us, because my dearest one, I will love you always.

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Messages In This Thread
Bear's Angels - by Bear - 09-03-2018, 04:56 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-03-2018, 12:42 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-03-2018, 12:53 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-03-2018, 12:56 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-03-2018, 12:59 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-04-2018, 03:54 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-04-2018, 10:49 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Breloomancer - 09-04-2018, 11:23 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-04-2018, 02:13 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-05-2018, 04:40 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-05-2018, 01:12 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-06-2018, 12:41 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-06-2018, 05:05 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-06-2018, 05:56 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-06-2018, 06:08 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-06-2018, 06:39 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Miri - 09-06-2018, 06:45 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by HotsTulp - 09-07-2018, 01:49 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-07-2018, 02:01 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-07-2018, 10:20 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-08-2018, 12:52 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-09-2018, 01:48 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-16-2018, 02:18 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-17-2018, 06:36 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Breloomancer - 09-17-2018, 08:24 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Tewi - 09-18-2018, 03:28 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 09-22-2018, 12:31 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Breloomancer - 09-22-2018, 01:47 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Misha - 09-22-2018, 01:57 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-02-2018, 12:04 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Cat_ShadowGriffin - 10-02-2018, 12:54 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-03-2018, 04:32 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-11-2018, 12:43 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 10-11-2018, 05:25 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-11-2018, 06:47 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by LanceReilyn - 10-11-2018, 10:42 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-12-2018, 12:27 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-13-2018, 12:59 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-18-2018, 12:07 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Ranger - 10-18-2018, 04:13 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 10-18-2018, 05:13 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-20-2018, 12:00 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Lucilyn - 10-20-2018, 12:23 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 10-20-2018, 12:51 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bay_leave - 10-20-2018, 03:51 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-20-2018, 09:25 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 10-29-2018, 11:48 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 10-29-2018, 07:54 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Matsuri - 11-02-2018, 01:54 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 11-04-2018, 11:57 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 11-04-2018, 04:56 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 11-21-2018, 01:21 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 11-21-2018, 04:43 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Matsuri - 11-21-2018, 08:30 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 12-20-2018, 01:04 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Ranger - 12-20-2018, 03:33 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 01-12-2019, 02:24 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 01-12-2019, 04:11 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 01-21-2019, 01:33 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Ember.Vesper - 01-21-2019, 05:44 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Shadow - 01-25-2019, 05:15 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 01-25-2019, 09:33 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 01-30-2019, 04:09 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Reilyn-Alley - 01-31-2019, 07:37 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-10-2019, 08:19 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Kyoko Kirigiri - 02-15-2019, 03:56 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by nihi0145632 - 02-15-2019, 04:34 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Pioneer11 - 02-10-2019, 08:59 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-10-2019, 09:19 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-15-2019, 05:24 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-21-2019, 10:15 PM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Luminesce - 02-22-2019, 01:58 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by GeorgeTownRaja - 02-22-2019, 01:44 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-22-2019, 02:09 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by nihi0145632 - 02-22-2019, 05:53 AM
RE: Angry Bear's Heroines - by Bear - 02-22-2019, 02:10 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ranger - 02-22-2019, 06:03 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 02-22-2019, 06:27 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 02-22-2019, 07:45 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 02-23-2019, 04:09 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ranger - 02-23-2019, 05:47 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ido - 02-24-2019, 04:20 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 02-24-2019, 04:23 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-13-2019, 07:59 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 03-13-2019, 11:03 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by JGC - 03-13-2019, 09:24 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-13-2019, 09:32 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Breloomancer - 03-13-2019, 10:33 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-14-2019, 01:10 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 03-14-2019, 01:17 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-14-2019, 01:31 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 03-14-2019, 02:24 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-16-2019, 05:18 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Akinkinit - 03-16-2019, 07:40 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 03-30-2019, 11:33 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by JGC - 03-31-2019, 02:28 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Zia - 03-31-2019, 06:58 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ashley - 03-31-2019, 09:52 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Vādin - 03-31-2019, 09:57 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 04-08-2019, 10:52 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Reilyn-Alley - 04-09-2019, 02:49 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Lucilyn - 04-09-2019, 02:58 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 04-09-2019, 04:41 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Lucilyn - 04-09-2019, 05:01 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Reilyn-Alley - 04-09-2019, 06:26 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 04-09-2019, 07:56 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 04-19-2019, 11:35 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Twice Sparked - 04-25-2019, 10:15 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by KoejiSllycc - 04-26-2019, 02:23 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by CarsonGreene - 04-26-2019, 04:18 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 05-14-2019, 01:39 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Flandre - 05-14-2019, 07:39 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ember.Vesper - 05-15-2019, 05:35 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 05-15-2019, 06:58 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 06-01-2019, 01:17 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ranger - 06-02-2019, 12:29 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 06-05-2019, 05:31 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 06-05-2019, 08:16 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 06-05-2019, 10:47 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 06-24-2019, 04:41 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Twice Sparked - 06-24-2019, 09:36 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Ember.Vesper - 06-24-2019, 09:36 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Luminesce - 06-24-2019, 10:53 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Twice Sparked - 06-25-2019, 05:36 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Dashie Bear - 06-25-2019, 08:49 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Dashie Bear - 07-05-2019, 01:30 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 07-19-2019, 01:37 PM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Tewi - 07-20-2019, 12:42 AM
RE: Bear's Angels - by Bear - 07-20-2019, 01:36 AM

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