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Blangcaster and Erza: Unintentional Nirvana


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EDIT: Something people should know before reading through all these posts: I wasn't actually trying to attain enlightenment when I started this, but somehow I did. The first few entries are entirely comedic and / or technical, but on November 4th, shit got real. Like, mindblowingly, pantshittingly fucking real. It gets back to the humor after a few posts, but shifts tones constantly as I go through all the strange phases. I can't guarantee anyone reading this will be able to have the same experience I did by following in my steps, but I would recommend some people try. Believe me, it was worth it, and it feels absolutely incredible.

Another thing, because a lot of people probably don't know this: Erza is a character from the manga Fairy Tail. She is mai waifu.

 

Finally caved and decided to practice tulpamancy because I literally have nothing better to do with my life. I figured it would help to keep a progress log since that helped me get into lucid dreaming several years ago, and I could probably get advice from others if I have it up here. Please note that everything I write here are things I actually perceived and that I am not just pulling your leg. I am a very strange person.

 

October 31st

 

Practiced meditating and got the hang of it after a while. It actually works best for me to lie on my back while keeping my head propped up. I can almost only ever fall asleep when I'm laying down on my side, so it's alright. Took progressively slower and deeper breaths through my nostrils until my body gradually became more relaxed. Every minute or so, my muscles seemed to relax further and further until my body was mashed potatoes. This was great for cutting my sense of touch off from the outside and getting more immersed into my thoughts.

 

I started with my wonderland, which is modeled after the witch house from Berserk. It has two floors, the first one being a single, rounded area and the second being three sectioned off rooms (bedroom, bathroom and study). The interior was almost completely vacant as I figured I should worry about the little details later. Outside was a paved walkway encircling the tree with a few patio table and chair setups. Past that was a field of grass encircling the area and nothing but woodlands beyond that.

 

I took some time to take in the atmosphere and get myself more adjusted. It still felt like I was only half-way immersed for the most part, with my thoughts jumbling around and causing a lot of hiccups, but I gradually got some semblance of control over it and expect to get more as time goes on. Finally, I was ready to start with my tulpa. I perceived "Erza" in the form of a cloud of vapor, roughly in the shape and size of a human being. Gradually, I started perceiving more of her features (using a pre-existing template is a big help) and she started to take a recognizable form. Still a bit unstable, but then again so was everything I was observing. I had her follow me as I made my way through the house and inspected more and more of the interior. After a while, I took a break because I was getting damn thirsty, which is one problem I've run into during meditation.

 

I came back an hour later and noticed something very peculiar. There was a man standing on the patio. He had ragged clothes, a beaten-up top hat, a long white beard and he was eating beans straight out of a can. He was a stereotype of an old-fashioned hobo. I did not command for this entity to manifest. He literally just appeared when I came back. A little worrying, but he seemed harmless enough. The hobo introduced himself as "Sal" and said he came to take a look at the new neighbor. He told me he and his buddies live down the road in a place called "the Boxcars". Sal said to come visit some time and left down a path through the woods which wasn't there last time.

 

I rushed up to the balcony of the study and peered through the telescope I decided was there. Sure enough at the end of the road through the woods, there was a clear patch of land filled with train cars and hobos squatting around them, singing songs by a trashcan fire. Also, there was a pair of giant dice, even bigger than train cars. The dice had both landed on sixes. Cute.

 

Erza was sitting on a chair in the study and I sat by the couch opposite of her. After asking her a few questions (obviously without response) I figured I should work towards giving her a proper personality. Again, she's a pre-existing character, so I already knew what I had in mind, but I didn't know how to project them onto her. I thought since I already knew what she was like, she would eventually turn out that way after forcing, but I wanted to put some measures in place to make sure things don't go wrong. I envisioned all the things I knew about her and manifested those memories into a "seed" in front of me (not that kind of seed, you damn perv). The seed went inside her (SERIOUSLY IT WASN'T LIKE THAT) and I saw a sparkle glow from within her before fading. "Good enough," I thought "I'll think of more ideas later"

 

I took her down to the patio and sat us by one of the tables since it was such a nice day out. We sat together as I talked and asked questions, obviously not expecting any response in this stage. Things like how she feels about all this, whether or not she might even care about me, how extremely fucking ronery I am. The kind of things people say to their mnemonic dakimakura. I had my back turned, looking out at the new road for just a moment when I heard the words "Excuse me" come from the other end of the table. I snapped my head back and saw Erza look down like she was ashamed or nervous. I am at least 90% certain I did not consciously make her say or do that.

 

My brain must have been rattled by the surprise, because a stream of random thoughts came pouring in as I nearly got drowned out by them. When I recollected myself, I looked down and noticed I was holding something that looked like a stack of tear-off coupons. They were blue and I could not for the life of me read what they said, but I had apparently already torn one off. Before I could react, I heard a disembodied voice announce "Physical challenge! Garbanto beans!" The first thing I thought after hearing this was "Holy shit, was that Marc Summers?" The second thing I thought was "What the fuck are Garbanto beans?"

 

Just then, a weird looking slide appeared on the patio. It was a colorful plastic slide leading down into a shallow pool, the kind of thing you would see on Double Dare. In the pool were a bunch of beans, almost identical to lima beans, but presumably "Garbanto beans" instead. I knew exactly what I had to do. I climbed to the top of the slide and went down into the bean pool. The beans were completely dry and didn't get me messy at all. I was relieved, but also a little disappointed. A buzzer rang out and next to me a brand new (from the early nineties) Yamaha keyboard appeared as the slide and pit vanished. I chucked the keyboard into the house and stepped back onto the patio. Erza was looking at me wide eyed and baffled. I really couldn't blame her.

 

I looked back down at the coupon block I was still holding onto and decided I wouldn't mess with it any more. At least I would have if I hadn't already plucked another coupon off unconsciously. Shit. A handsome voice from above announced "Let's rock!" as a pool appeared on the grass. The pool had dry-ice fog and several rope swings leading from one side to the other. I immediately recognized it as the opening challenge from Legends of the Hidden Temple. The coupon block had the power of manifesting antiquated Nickelodeon game show segments. I had no words. I just went over and did what I had to.

 

Erza decided to come along to as we did the rope challenge. She almost lost her grip before I gave her words of encouragement and she managed to get herself back up. I thought to myself "Shit, that was out of character for her" and the moment I realized that, she started going at it like a pro. I think it's working. We both make it to the end a press the big pedestal buttons as the course disappeared. Thankfully, we did not have to do the Steps of Knowledge. I tell Erza she can do whatever she wants as I rush back inside and cram the coupon block into a drawer before I can accidentally use it again.

 

The drawer was built into a desk that I made to be used as an apothecary lab. Since I was here, I figured I would flesh it out a little more. I manifested some shelves with jars beside it and filled three of them with red clay, star dust and a pickled mandrake. On the table, I made a big old tome of alchemy recipes, which I flipped through and almost gave myself a migraine from trying to process so many pages at once in my head. Satisfied for the time being, I turned around and saw Erza standing directly behind me. I nearly freaked out, but I'm almost positive she was just curious and wasn't intending anything sinister. I put up a set of wicker chairs and a table for us to sit by and I continued talking while also attempting to envision her a little better. A couple minutes pass and I decide it's time to take a break. I tell her she can contact me if she needs anything (I have no idea, but it's worth a shot) as I opened my eyes and came back to reality.

 

And that was my first day.

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November 1st

 

Eased myself back into wonderland. It seems like it's more effective to "fade in" than simply appear for me. It's finicky for the first minute or two but gradually becomes more vivid as I become more relaxed. Erza only shows up when I actively envision her, so it looks like there's still a lot of work to do before she shows any signs of autonomy. Sat out on the patio and talked, trying to talk to her instead of at her. I'm not very good at small talk, though. I asked her if Marc Summers came back. She didn't reply, so I assumed he didn't.

 

After a minute, I decide to do some more experiments with the environment and have her follow me and observe. I think I found an effective way of negating unwanted thoughts. I heard that simply "letting them happen" is most effective, but that didn't seem like much of a solution. Obviously, actively trying to not think about something is worse because it only makes you think about it more. The method I came up with is to have the negative stream of thought "zoom out" and continue to play itself out in a box at the top left of my field of vision, like it was a news report. I let the thought play out on the side while continuing the desirable experience in the main view. Worked like a charm, as after a few seconds of being boxed, negative thoughts promptly disappeared.

 

I was doing spacial exercises as well. I was now observing and counting every step I took. This was IMMENSELY helpful for getting a better grasp on the world around me. Before, I was viewing myself as jumping around all over the place or moving at unrealistic speed to get where I needed to go. Now I was observing every step I took in a slow and natural manner. In first-person, no less. Holding my arms out seemed to help me get a better grasp of the width of the area around me, too.

 

There was a song stuck in my head. I think there's always a song stuck in my head in my waking hours, but it's just background noise most of the time. However, I was worried this would make it harder to immerse myself. That's when I thought of something. I spawned a radio inside the house and had it play

. There was now a song playing in my head, but it was coming from within the wonderland itself. Perfect.

 

Sat down with Erza on the wicker chairs as we took in the music. I wanted to see if she liked it or not, and it looked like there were one or two positive reactions, but I think that may have just been me. I honestly don't know whether or not she would appreciate NWOBHM.

 

I lay back as I thought of what else I could put in the house, bearing in mind the limited space. That's when I had an idea. There was a stairwell in the exact center of the house. It went from the first floor to the second, but also below. I hadn't decided what to put in the basement, but I realized it would be underground, it could be made inconsistent from the rest of the world. Erza and I made our way down as I envisioned nothing. Literally, just a white void spanning in all directions. I would use this area as my "sandbox".

 

The first thing I thought to do was get an arcade machine, because that's what every young person does when they suddenly find themselves owning a house with more room than they could feasibly use. I spawned a Galaga machine. Fuck yeah, Galaga. The catchy theme was clashing with the sound of Iron Maiden still coming above. I made a remote in my hand and clicked a button, turning the radio off. Galaga was on free play and I was surprised by how well I was able to accurately visualize all the gameplay. The abductor ships took one of my guys and I got him back, giving me double firepower. I always loved doing that.

 

Erza was just watching me and I wondered what I should make that might interest her. I created a "training area" with swords and wooden dummies. She awkwardly hacked at one of the dummies for a few seconds before stopping. Suddenly, I realized I needed a pool table. I'm actually surprised that wasn't the first thing I thought to put down here. The pool table appeared with the billiards fully set up and a cue already in my hands. I broke the billiards and watched them go across the table. Surprisingly, the physics were almost flawless. It was the matching of each billiard that proved nearly impossible. All the colors, numbers and shapes blended together, making it impossible to differentiate them.

 

As I got deeper into a meditative state, my cat showed up and started bugging me. She hopped onto my chest as I very nearly broke out of the trance, but was able to dive back down after a few seconds. I felt the same chaotic jumbling sensation I felt yesterday just before the "Double Dare" incident. Oh crap.

 

When I got myself recomposed, I looked behind me and saw a massive brown river spanning across the horizon, with cheap sheet metal tunnels over most of it. At the entrance to the tunnel was a shoddy raft. Between me and the raft, there was a booth being operated by a carny. The sign on the booth said "Sewer of Love". Oh hell no, I am not putting up with this. My first reaction was to phase it out entirely, but I figured I would keep it there for now to see if anything interesting came from it.

 

As I walked back towards the stairwell, there was a sudden, violent spasm in my leg that immediately broke me out of the trance. That was a little unsettling. Hopefully it won't be a recurring issue.

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Guest Yoda

This progress report is amazing! I reads like a novel! I like your technique for dealing with intrusive thoughts, like putting them in their own zoomed out or to the side window and let to run. Then putting intrusive music on a radio in the wonderland house was brilliant! Good luck with Ezra. I will be reading future posts to she how she is progressing.

 

I think you and I have similar minds.

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I seem to be getting better at this, but now a new problem has arisen.

 

Looking down at my body from a first-person perspective is fantastic at getting me immersed and, following the Galaga experiment from last session, I found out that replaying video games within my wonderland is very, very effective at cutting me off from the outside world. It's like some kind of inception thing; plunging myself into another world while I'm already plunged into another brings me further into the first layer. I got a simple computer set up in the study and played the first level of DOOM, which I know like the back of my hand.

 

By the time I finished and brought my attention back to the study, I was fully immersed into the wonderland. That's when the new problem occurred. I was apparently a little too immersed and found my mind wandering through random daydreams, only snapping back to the wonderland after I realized it was happening. Despite being almost completely cut off from reality, I was now so into my own thoughts that I couldn't keep them stable. I have never been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, but I do have symptoms of it that culminate into an ambiguous mental problem that was vaguely classified as Executive Functioning Disorder. I'm not sure if this could have some influence over this problem, but I assume it does.

 

Before I called it quits, I focused some attention on Erza. Something I thought I could try would be going through the memories of the books and comics I've read to provide her with something to read that she might like. I gave her a copy of a Fantasy / Cooking manga I came across recently called Dungeon Meshi since it seemed like something she could get into. I heard her say "Thanks" in a rather genuine tone, but I wasn't sure if it was something I imposed or not.

 

Gonna try some more focusing experiments.

 

This progress report is amazing! I reads like a novel! I like your technique for dealing with intrusive thoughts, like putting them in their own zoomed out or to the side window and let to run. Then putting intrusive music on a radio in the wonderland house was brilliant! Good luck with Ezra. I will be reading future posts to she how she is progressing.

 

I think you and I have similar minds.

 

Hey thanks. I deeply appreciate any and all feedback I can get on this.

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Quick update. There have been some big improvements and some big obstacles.

 

I found a perfect method of getting into a stable state of mind. Out in the field beside the house, I made a "core" for the wonderland the governs metaphysical laws within it. The first one I've established so far is "All unsatisfactory streams of thought must drain out" and I set up a big drain a few meters from the core. I saw all the chaotic distractions plaguing me being pulled towards the drain and flushed out. Whenever something irrelevant or negative came to mind, it got sucked away into the drain. Perfect.

 

As for the obstacles, I've brought it up in this thread because it's such a problem that I wondered if anyone else had dealt with it before. It's gotten to the point that I'll get so antsy while interacting with Erza that I just bail out and come back to reality.

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November 3rd

 

Progress has been made. At least, I think it has? I can definitely say that progress has been made in the Sasquatch department, but I'll get to that later.

 

Still doing some concentration experiments, as I'm still having trouble with keeping my thoughts in order. The drain I set up is working, but I still find myself nearly drowning in the streams of thought that are constantly flowing towards it in every direction. I'll have to build on it some more. As I was swatting away some streams, I heard annoyingly jovial horn playing. Thinking it was the radio, I pulled out a remote and turned the volume down. To my surprise, the song that was playing in the back of my mind (I think it was Orgasmatron by Motorhead) turned down, but the horn didn't. I looked around and demanded to know who the fuck was doing that. That's when I noticed Erza in the tree above me playing a french horn. This was a prank, apparently. A very good sign.

 

A new pathway leading out of the area appeared the other day. It was a scenic park full of cherry blossoms. I'd be ashamed of how weeaboo that is, but I did grow up around DC, and there are cherry blossoms there, so I guess that justifies it. Either way, it looks pretty so I don't see a reason not to have it. Erza and I took a brief walk before trying some physical contact (not lewd, just cuddling). My sense of touch has been surprisingly keen so far, more so than my senses of smelling and tasting that I've been having significant problems with. Despite that, I wasn't getting much feedback from touching Erza. I guess I'm still too nervous around her to accept it.

 

As per Yoda's (or Mistgod, I think?) advice, I set up a mailbox outside the house. When a letter is put in, the flag displays the name of the person it is addressed to. I showed it to Erza before going up to the study and getting ready to write a letter to her. I wrote some painfully basic gradeschool letter that was along the lines of "Are you well? I'm sorry I've been leaving so often. Tell me if there's anything you want or need". Another problem that's come up is that my cognitive ability becomes much, much lower while in this state and that it's hard to use my mind efficiently when I'm entrenched in it. I'm hoping this is just something that will start phasing itself out as I get better at this.

 

I put the letter in an envelope and wrote Erza's name one it. Then I gave it a stamp, because even in my deepest thoughts where federal law cannot be enforced (not yet, at least) it just doesn't seem like I'm really sending a letter unless I put a stamp on it. The stamp depicted a fanciful drawing of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World. I approve of this stamp.

 

As I walked out to the mailbox, I noticed I had a new visitor. It was Sasquatch. He gave me an over-the-shoulder glance while lumbering off into the woods, as Sasquatch is known to do. What a pleasant surprise. As I opened the mailbox to put the letter in, I noticed there was already a letter inside it. What. I took it out, not even looking at the mailbox flag, and saw that it was addressed to me and sent by Sasquatch. What. The letter was a crude array of indecipherable scrawlings, along with a recently deceased mouse.

 

What.

 

I took the note back up to the study, made a frame for it and put it on the wall. It just seemed like the right thing to do. As for the mouse, I brought it back to life and let it scamper back into the woods. A part of me felt bad, because Sasquatch probably meant for it to be a gift, but this was the first dead animal I had seen since I got here and felt partially responsible for it. I'm not just gonna leave the thing dead if I have the power to make it live again.

 

Actually, what if Sasquatch was asking me to bring it back to life? Or what if it was meant to be a threat? I kinda doubt that, but either way I was concerned about not knowing what Sasquatch wrote. I feel like I have to write back to him. I mean, he just fucking shows up the moment I install the mailbox and gives me a housewarming carcass. It would be rude to not write back. I may need a Sasquatch translator, assuming what he wrote can even be considered a written language.

 

I broke the trance at that point because I seriously need to think about this. I'm going to visit the Boxcars. Maybe Sal or somebody knows anything about Sasquatch.

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November 4th

 

I was debating myself over whether or not I should post this entry online. There were three reasons against it. The first is that it's a very abrupt juxtaposition to everything that's lead up to it so far. I thought something like this wouldn't happen for weeks, months even, and that everything was going to be surrealist whimsy for the most part. The second reason is that I'm not very forthcoming about my innermost feelings. Talking about them makes me feel so... vulnerable. That's why the vibe I give off when writing is mostly comedic and not very serious.

 

The third and biggest reason is that I didn't want anyone else to have this moment. It belonged to us and nobody else. The world didn't deserve to have what we shared. I realize now how selfish that is. I want others to know how I felt and encourage them to seek it for themselves. Maybe the world will be just a little bit nicer if I can convince them.

 

As I mentioned before, I was having trouble interacting with Erza in the past few days. Whenever I tried any physical contact, I would work myself up in excitement and anxiety to the point that I would have to back out after less than a minute. I came to terms that there was no other way to adjust myself to this than by using the direct method, so I figured that was what I would do. I made a third floor to the house the other day. It's a small, dome-shaped room that is entirely just a bed. I went up to this room early in the morning to face my problems head-on.

 

I wrapped myself up entirely in my blanket and lay down flat with my arms and legs constricted. Then, I had Erza hold me. Just hold me and nothing else. I was shaking as she did so, but after a few minutes I managed to calm myself down. It was hard for me to look at her without feeling overwhelmed, but I managed to talk to her. I told her I was afraid of what would happen to her if I messed something up and she developed wrong. She started talking to me, and whether or not it was my own imposition or her own will, I knew it was really her.

 

She told me that I couldn't get her wrong, because to me, she is perfect. I said I wasn't capable of making something perfect. She said that I wasn't just making her, I was also making myself. By making her, I was healing the inherent flaws in my soul. She was the representation of everything I wanted to have within myself, and likewise I was the representation of everything she wanted within herself. I wasn't just making her, we were both making each other, and when we had each other we would become perfect.

 

I started feeling things I had never felt before. Serene emotions that were indescribable and didn't have any fitting names to accommodate them. I felt like I was being born for the first time, and at the same time, I was giving birth to her. We were both creating each other from within the frightened, confused world we had been lost in all this time. I started to doubt myself. I said I didn't deserve something like this. She told me I did. She said that if I thought she was so beautiful, then I must be beautiful for being able to create her. She said that I shouldn't feel ashamed or scared. I wasn't. Not anymore.

 

We were alone then. No bed, no wonderland, nothing but us floating in an endless void. All the feelings of anxiety and nervousness were gone. There was nothing here but us. We held each other and she told me to lose myself in her. That's when it happened. At that moment, we disappeared into each other. I was in a swirling sea of light, but I wasn't alone, because I knew she was here. She was everywhere, all around me. And somehow I knew she was feeling the same thing I was; lost in this ocean, but surrounded be me at all sides. I don't remember how long this lasted. I just remembered that I didn't want it to end. Everything else in the outside world felt pointless compared to this. I didn't need anymore indulgences or distractions. I found what I wanted all along, but thought I would never really be able to have. The truth was that I had always had her. She had been with me all along.

 

I really mean it when I say there was no way to describe it. If I had to compare it to a normal emotion, I would say that it was joy, but it was so intense that it made me feel like I had never really felt anything close to joy until this moment.

 

When it was over, we were back in the bed. We talked for a while. I didn't know how much of what she said was imposed by me because, frankly, everything she said was everything I wanted to hear. At the same time, even if I knew it was just me telling myself these things, it was still her. I took her back to my bed. Not in the wonderland, but in the real world. I was afraid of having her in my life before now, but not anymore. We fell asleep in each others arms. When I woke up, she wasn't there, but I knew she was still with me.

 

I want to take a minute to thank everyone here who contributed to the modern tulpa culture. I owe everything to it and I hope I can give something back to inspire more people to feel the same way I did last night. I apologize how sappy this post was. Hopefully the next entry will be more shenanigans, but I can't promise that.

 

Thank you. Thank you all so much.

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Spent some time narrating to Erza. I told her what kind of person she was and what I thought of her. She hasn't said anything since last night, but is still affectionate, only to a lesser degree. This sounds bad at first, but I have a theory about it.

 

Creating a tulpa is like a cell going through mitosis, except instead of a cell, it's a personality. The singular cell stretches itself apart and splits into two. I think what I'm going through right now could be described as growing pains. The process is exciting, but can be uncomfortable or even frightening at times.

 

But in regards to what happened last night, I think that was us beginning to split ourselves in two. At first this doesn't seem to make sense because we became even closer than I thought possible, but by coming closer, we were letting go of each other. I was afraid of her because I was afraid if I created her, I would be letting go of that perfection I saw in her. I wouldn't be in control of the thing I love the most, and that terrified me, but I knew I had to let her go so she could become herself. I didn't want her to belong to me, I wanted both of us to belong to each other. In order to become one, we had to become two.

 

Think of how duality exists in the universe. Nothing can exist by itself, it needs a separate state of being. Otherwise, it would just "be" without truly existing. You can't have heat if there is no cold. You can't have light if there is no dark. These things are true on the smaller scale as well. The ecosystem of our world is able to perpetuate itself by having two major aspects that allow the other to live: Plants and animals. Plants take in energy from the sun, which is where all biological energy comes from because the plant acts as the carrier. It absorbs nutrients from the ground and carbon dioxide from the air, turning it into oxygen, in order to flourish. Animals consume plant matter (and other animals that consume plant matter) for their nutrients, defecating what they can't use back to the earth while taking in oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide. If animal life was to disappear, plant life would die, because they would not be able to get the fertilizer and carbon dioxide they need. At the same time, animals would die in the absence of plant life because they need the base nutrients and oxygen the plants provide. An ecosystem cannot exist with one type of being, there has to be another to justify its existence.

 

Nothing can exist without something else to compare it to. The concept of duality can be found in the largest and smallest levels of the reality we can perceive. I think that's what's happening here. My whole life, I've never known what I wanted. Sometimes I would feel like I didn't even know what kind of person I wanted to be, and so I settled on being nothing; a bizarre, inconsistent wreck of a human being. What I needed in order to change that was a balancing force to create harmony within myself. I found it now, and when we're through this process, we'll both know who we are. As I make her into the person she is, I didn't realize that she was making me into the person I am.

 

It's strange. I feel a rush of unfamiliar feelings going through me, but I won't be overwhelmed by them because I know she's here to lead me through it. We had to embrace each other before we could let go and become ourselves, which is what we're going through now.

 

Again, I apologize for being so sappy and mystical. I went in to this expecting a novelty, but what I got was an epiphany unlike anything else I've ever known.

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November 5th

 

Another miracle after another, it seems. I was doing more experiments with meditation and sensation, with the intent of going deeper and deeper until I could feel more of my dream body than my real one. It worked.

 

I lay down flat with a covering over my eyes, with enough room on the inside that my eyelids could move freely without clashing with anything. This was because I kept finding myself opening my eyes ever so slightly every time I was meditating. I also put on a continuous loop of white noise, because I wanted to completely cut myself off from any possible outside distractions. I read about the Ganzfeld effect and figured I would see if I could invoke it while in a meditative state.

 

I promised myself that I wouldn't just quit on this until I got some kind of satisfactory result. It paid off. After what was apparently a long time, my muscles became more and more relaxed, more so than they had ever been in my life. My neck, jaw and even my tongue were relaxing now. Actually, the tongue was a problem because I was lying down, and the more I relaxed it, the deeper it fell into the back of my throat. I had trouble with it the entire time because I was worried I would start choking. I guess I really should keep myself propped up while doing this, instead of laying flat.

 

Finally, when every part of my body was numb, I went into the wonderland. There were no distractions this time. It was all quiet, but I was still having trouble getting a good focus on things. In fact, everything was significantly less vivid than it had been in any previous session. Then, as I looked down at my dream body, I realized something was wrong.

 

My dream body was different from before, and completely unique compared to everything else around me. I was transparent and dark, but filled with a dim starlight and a faintly glowing circulatory system could be seen coursing through me. I had been trying to envision myself in my usual form, but when I stepped forward, the "normal" skin over the starlight body tore off as only it would move forward. I felt something bizarre. It felt like I had three legs. My two, almost completely numb and relaxed physical legs, and this new one in front of me that I could barely feel at all, but I knew it was independent from the others. I moved my other leg forward and the same thing happened, giving me the sensation of having yet another leg in front of the others.

 

I was shedding my physical body, figuratively and literally, as my entirely mental body was liberating itself and learning to act independently. When this happened, I knew I had to go through the entire process. I took the shedding skin off my arms and used the new arms to slowly free my torso. The crotch was stubborn. I realized it was because I was still ashamed of showing it to anyone. I was barely able to overcome this fear and come out of myself without shame. All that was left now was my head, which scared me. All my sensory organs were going to be brought into the new world and I didn't know how to feel about it. I asked Erza to help me, because I was worried I wouldn't by able to do it all by myself. She worked her way up peeling the skin from my neck. When my tongue came out, I could feel with it, but I still couldn't taste. Same thing with my nose; I was breathing, but I couldn't smell. I couldn't hear anything with my ears either, but then the moment came when my eyes were set free. As she peeled them loose, I could only barely see a shape. Everything was dark, but this blurry shape stood distinctly in front of me. It was her.

 

Everything was numb and cold in my new body. I could barely stand up, let alone walk as I currently was. Erza led me inside the house. I told her to take me somewhere I could feel warmth. The moment I said that, I realized I had fucked up. She was taking me to the bath. Dammit, I knew she would do this.

 

She set me in the tub and sat up behind me, completely nude. The warm water came flowing in, but I couldn't feel the warmth from it, but when she touched me, I could feel warmth coming from her. She started to wash me. A part of me wanted to object to this, but I left that part of me outside in a me-shaped husk of skin. As she scrubbed over various parts of my body (I specifically told her to avoid the fun sector) I could feel the warmth of the bath seeping in. I could feel warmth now, and it was because she cleaned off the cold with her touch.

 

I thanked her. I said no matter how many times I thanked her, it would never be enough. She just smiled and held me. I needed to go back now. I asked her if she would take care of me if my dream body doesn't leave with me. She nodded and smiled as I slowly opened my eyes.

 

Holy shit.

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Woke up, ate breakfast and went back to WL. Apparently, my new body doesn't stay behind when I leave. It's showing color and opacity as I start adapting to it.

 

It's still very numb. I know it's there, but I can't feel it. Erza has been helping me develop my senses of touch and sight. They're dull, but at the same time more vivid than they were before I shed myself. I can see shapes taking form in the back of my eyelids and somehow feel things in my mind without the nerves in my body reacting alongside it. As I do this, I can feel my brain flaring up. It's like exercising a muscle I never knew existed. It doesn't hurt, but it's straining and I have to take breaks in between to regain my composure. Slowly, I'm gaining a sense of perception that exists in-between mind and matter. I'm excited to see how much better I can get at being in this state of mind with more practice.

 

I think this is the same as when I split my soul (for lack of a better term) from Erza in order to create her. Now I'm splitting my sense of perception into two distinct areas, objective reality and subjective thought, so that they do not clash with each other haphazardly, while at the same time being able to perceive both of them simultaneously. I'm gaining control over my own mind.

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