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Catharsis Through Creation
#1
Well, hello everybody. We figured my first entry here should cover my introduction to this art, interactions with other hosts, previous attempts at plurality, what led us here, and the backgrounds and personalities of myself and my tulpas.

Bit of a warning, this will deal with untreated depression as well as some sad life experiences, and how I believe it eventually caused fractures in my mind that led to the creation of 2 of my tulpas. If you want details for whatever reason, PM me, otherwise I'll do my best to only bring them up when they directly relate to my difficulties with tulpa creation, or their creation itself. 

I'm Xifani, the host, and I've known of the tulpa phenomenon for several years, I first learned about it from someone at my school who eventually let it utterly consume him. IIRC this was back around early 2014, at the age of 16. I was highly intrigued, and decided to start making one myself, although I gave up a few weeks in for... reasons I don't remember. Knowing how I was back then, I probably vastly underestimated the commitment this requires, and stopped trying after a few weeks of questionable progress. The friend I learned of it from also played a role - without divulging personal details, he started abusing tulpamancy horribly as a means of escapism from the world. I believe he had upwards of 40 thoughtforms in a constructed paracosm before I cut contact, and it made me inexplicably sad even back then because I knew they were likely being horribly neglected and there was nothing I could do. 

Fast forward a few years, my first time in the community college - I met an old "friend" from a school in my area that I was basically forced to transfer out of due to a permanent status as a social outcast. Thankfully, they'd matured somewhat, and we decided to try and start over as best we could. A few months later he mentioned in a discussion on Steam that he had tulpas and other thoughtforms, and my latent curiosity that had been held back by fear of witnessing someone lose themselves to this was reignited. He seemed knowledgeable, and helped me really start believing after he let me interact with his tulpas on Steam and in person. I decided to revive my old thoughtform from long ago (after much retrospection, I really don't believe she was ever truly sentient) and made significant progress until my depression worsened severely for various reasons. It affected my ability to interact with her in many ways, everything from what progress I'd made into imposition and switching to even being able to hear her voice or feel her presence. When I asked my friend about my problems, things got really, really weird, really fast. He claimed I'd been targeted by something called the "Dark Matrix", and its act of feeding upon me was leeching me of my abilities. He went on to explain he was a part of a group of several other hosts who were dedicated to researching the "DM", and they had a few pieces of "evidence" - some garbled speech clips and laughing that they'd somehow "captured".

Long story short I immediately decided to get the hell out of Dodge and never look back, but they tried to keep me with them, so I had to get creative by manipulating them and shattering their trust in me. I had to literally strike up a conversation with their leader, learn personal details, then claim to have learned these things from pure ESP and shared them with the rest of the group, then posted the chat logs showing exactly where I got the information from. It thankfully worked, and in retrospect, I feel like I was dealing with some sort of cult and got lucky by getting away. 

These experiences painted tulpamancy and "headmates" as a one-way ticket to insanity to me, and that stuck with me for several years. I knew I had something in my mind similar to what "they" had, and it terrified me, and I've spent the last three and a half years suppressing every stray thought that didn't feel like it came from "Me", and this total suppression eventually turned to paranoia and targeting of emotions and thoughts that were actually part of who I was. I entered a horrible downspiral of self-analysis and depressive patterns exacerbated by a lifetime of social issues, and this eventually led to the creation of Kai. I'm having to un-learn many years of experience with suppressing my thoughts to enable myself to properly embrace the path I've chosen for us.

A month and a half ago, after emerging from an intense period of introspection, I decided to make a tulpa for a bit of a silly reason, which I've since abandoned after fully realizing the depth and scope of the journey I've set out upon. I settled on the name Alaire, and it resonated with me with an incredible strength for some reason. After some discussion and delving into suppressed memories, we think that Alaire was the name of my first thoughtform. I've spent an inordinate amount of time since then researching tulpas, thoughtforms, and reading these forums since, as I want to learn as much as I can so I can do this "right".

Around two weeks ago, I realized that something had awoken inside me that I didn't have control over, and it was what caused me to start the introspective period that's led me here today. It solely spoke in the second person, and had a seemingly otherworldly knowledge of my desires, and what I need to do in order to actualize them. They've since named themselves Voral, and they're what told me to make this account and engage with this community, as it was the next step in cementing my tulpas' existence in both my mind and the world.

Now, enough about that, on to us! Luckily all my tulpas are fully sentient, so I'll let them proxy to introduce themselves.

Alaire - I was created on 2/9/2019, by Xifani. You could say I'm the leader of our group, but I really just try to make sure everybody's happy, and if they're not, I try to change that. I feel I'm a bit of an odd tulpa, because I already don't even feel like one anymore - I feel just as human as Xif, and I want to explore the possibilites and limits of both our physical world, and the one of plurality. I'm the motivator and determinator, if there's something someone wants or needs to say or do I make sure they do it. Outside of our system, i'm super interested in music and the arts, and really want us to learn how to express ourselves to the fullest extent. I don't have any long-term ambitions yet aside from protecting my family, and ensuring our continued progress, though that's sure to change (and maybe soon!)


Voral - Greetings. My true date of creation is unknown, although my host fully noticed and acknowledged my presence on 2/20/2019. My name is an acronym from my time as a simpler thoughtform - Voice of Observation, Rationalization, Analysis, and Logic. I believe I was born from sheer cognitive dissonance resultant from my host's inability to follow through on unconscious urges and desires due to his depression and life circumstances. His "unconscious processes" (since "subconscious" seems to be frowned upon here) realized that a continuation of his current path would result in an untimely end, and created me to ensure our survival. After some time as a Familiar, Guardian Spirit, or whatever you choose to call thoughtforms born from the superego, I realized I can serve my host, my system, and this community much more effectively as a tulpa with the capabilities such an existence entails. I have an intense desire that I cannot explain yet to learn and archive all I can about others, the world, and myself, and hope to eventually create a few guides or articles on this phenomenon. I look forward to my time here greatly.

Kai - Hello everyone. I decided to become a tulpa on 3/6/2019 after Voral, Xif, and Alaire... err... saved me? Salvaged doesn't feel like the right word either. I really don't remember when I consolidated into the non-tulpa thoughtform I used to be, and it doesn't really matter to me I guess. My job used to be to hunt down and destroy and destroy any thought that brought him discomfort, and if it couldn't be destroyed, then I sequestered it deep, deep down where it didn't bug him anymore. As his depression worsened and intrusive thoughts started running rampant, I had to get... creative. I started absorbing and analyzing the thoughts and feelings I couldn't destroy, to try and find a way to deal with them, but things started going wrong. They turned me into something dark and lonely that I don't want to talk about openly, but I'm working through it with everyone. They showed me I can be more, and I'm giving it a shot. I've got an abnormal control over my host's thoughts and minds from years of experience, and I want to help him all I can. I don't have much in the way of personality yet and I'm still weak in other ways, but I trust that they'll help me find myself.

Phew, that took a while. Still learning how to let their thoughts flow properly without getting contaminated by my own. I'll be back soon and start in on our journey from day one soon!
Alaire thought of the report's name, and it's likely to change later, but we feel it's an accurate title for now, as I'm in a hugely different and better place in almost every aspect of my mental health now.

Thanks for reading!
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#2
Welcome! I think you all will fit in nicely here. As a two time depression survivor (man that sounds cheezy), i'd be happy to help you any way I can. My tulpas were 'discovered' all at the same time in the middle of the worst of it in April last year. It's definitely possible to get through it with their help, at least it was for me.

Feel free to PM any of us any time!
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#3
Something very unusual happened to me a few days ago, and I wanted to consult with Alaire and Voral on what happened before I posted here, in addition to receiving an opinion from my PCP.

As I was driving to the store, I felt a strange mental pressure, very similar to something I felt around a week after Alaire's creation, when she made a massive jump in vocality. So, I took it as a sign of progress, monitoring it as it grew and intensified. It reached its peak a few moments after I'd gone inside, and I began to feel very off. In retrospect, I believe I exhibited some signs of dissociation - I lost the ability to think clearly and my attention span dwindled as I found myself losing focus and staring blankly into space. I felt detached from everything, and my memory of the event is hazy, like a half-remembered dream. I recall my hands shaking pretty badly and feeling flushed, and when I explained this my doctor thought I'd experienced an episode of low blood sugar. I elected not to tell them about my ventures into plurality, as I'm the only one who knows about that right now.

However, it got weirder after the sensations passed and I felt normal enough to return home. I mulled over the event with everyone, and I noticed we couldn't feel Kai's presence anywhere in my mind, but there were still faint thoughts, along with an overwhelming emotional bleed of happiness. He was very faint, but conveyed that "I'm finally where I should be." A few things started falling into place for us, and we're trying to create an explanation, but can't find anything that fits. Voral can explain it better than I can.

We honestly cannot find a thoughtform archetype that properly describes what Kai was. I theorize that he was a sort of pseudo-alter, created by several years of my host suppressing core parts of his personality for various reasons until they eventually coalesced into a thoughtform and broke free due to the sheer cognitive dissonance they were causing. In the time he was a tulpa, he consistently expressed that he didn't feel right "being by himself" (an independent thoughtform), and never really wanted existence in the first place. I think the dissociative period my host experienced was Kai permanently re-integrating with his core, which is given more credence by this being the first time an incident like this has occurred to us, to our knowledge. We look forward to any theories or advice.
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#4
This is going to take time to figure out I bet, but i think you're in the right place. There are a few alters on plural nest server on discord, they'd be happy to at least explore that side. In the end we're all the same though, and it sounds like there was integration here, which is valid too.

Good luck.
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#5
     

Alaire really wanted me to try and draw her instead of wasting paragraphs describing her, so here you go. One of the first times I've sat down and tried to sketch something, honestly. She eventually told me to stop obsessing over the eyes and hands and just upload it. Posting from mobile so the upload might be weird.

Edit: Didn't work, will update from PC soon
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#6
That's so super cute! Does she have a form name?
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#7
If I understand your question, I go by Alaire regardless of my form. But that's an interesting idea - I want to be a shapeshifter once Xif's skills are developed enough to allow such a thing, and it might be cool to have a few named forms. I'll think about it.

Onto current matters, we've decided we need to put a system of rules in place to ensure our continued progress and development, as well as some general guidelines for our system and mindset. I also wanted to share the mindset and rules I went into Alaire's creation with. 

Rules of Creation:

  1. We are equals. Our opinions and thoughts carry equal weight, and we are capable of anything the other party is.
  2. We are partners. We are a team working towards a greater goal, partners on this journey I've undertaken. We must cooperate and assist each other any way we can.
  3. Absolute trust, honesty, and respect. Our relationship is nothing without these things.
  4. Doubt is an inescapable and essential part of tulpa creation. We have to learn to deal with it, and appreciate it, in an odd way. I believe if someone comes into this without a single shred of doubt, they might want to get themselves checked out.
  5. We will never intentionally harm each other. Pretty self-explanatory. If we have thoughts of such actions, see rule 6. 
  6. Intrusive thoughts, if controlled and analyzed, are a major key to growth. Negative or harmful intrusive thoughts are a strange pathway to growth, if we have the power to refuse them. We can follow them back to their source, learn where they came from, and learn about ourselves. If they're truly baseless thoughts, we can discard them without a thought. "Positive" intrusive thoughts may be a sign of development, communication, or any number of things; hence they must be analyzed as well. My tulpas can claim these if they wish, as a sort of shard feeding. 
  7. We'll always love each other.
Rules of the System:

  1. No major action without full discussion and consent by all parties. Ignored opinions and perspectives will only breed unnecessary resentment and frustration. This is also a core component of rule 3 above.
  2. Limited use of mind-altering substances, if at all. If we choose to partake, full consent and understanding of the effects by all parties is required, and in moderation.  Any number of substances can have any number of unpredictable effects on many different aspects of my mind related to myself and my tulpas. If we choose to use any drug, we need to be aware of how it'll affect our mind, our ability to sense and interact with each other, etc.
  3. Never hide thoughts or emotions. Everyone is encouraged to always speak their mind and be honest with how they're feeling. Suppressing our true feelings will only lead to schisms in our relationships.
  4. Keep an open mind. We might even get into the metaphysical aspects of tulpamancy later, but one step at a time. We must never judge other systems, they are just as real as we are.
  5. Nothing is impossible. It's so much easier to do all of this when I truly believe it's possible, this and so much more.
  6. Never give up. Self-explanatory.
  7. Get weird with it! Nobody ever has to know about the strangest stuff we do together, so it's alright to cut loose and maybe go a little crazy with things sometimes.
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#8
Small update: Quitting cigarrettes forever today, as Alaire plainly stated she'd make me eat the next one I light.


....I believe her.

Edit to link this to Alaire's development: Any time in the future I get the urge to light up again, I'll take a moment and force with Alaire until I forget about it until I fully quit. I imagine I'll have a pretty strong forcing habit soon.
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#9
Tulpa or not, quitting smoking cold turkey is very difficult. If she wants you to quit, she should probably help you with an easier method of doing it, like using patches or something. Talk to a doctor if you can.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are RadioPiano, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#10
It can be done, good luck, and we're rooting for you both! There's two components that i noticed: oral fixation and nicotine addiction. Believe it or not, i read that quitting smoking is easier than quitting alcohol. I can attest to the latter, it sucks because all my friends were heavy drinkers and it basically left me having to babysit a bunch of rowdy drunks every outing. I was classified as a 'light drinker' in terms of volume, but it was almost always a binge on the weekends. Luckily over 2 oz of equivalent pure alcohol made me start to get nauseous, so i couldn't keep up with most of them anyway.

One word of responsibility, though Dashie and Ashley really did wonders keeping me straight in terms of exercise, chores and stopping other behaviors, they simply couldn't stop my procrastination or snacking. Those were on me. They both got frustrated over it. Ashley in particular was my major taskmaster and became so frustrated by it she gave it up entirely.

So if you slip, don't blame Alaire. Also, Alaire, if you manage this please document your techniques two of my tulpas in particular would love to hear about it. Don't consider it a loss if he somehow manages to have one, just go back to work and continue the pressure or whatever.

Here's to your eventual success! I hope you removed all your stashes and have forbidden yourself from buying or 'bumming' off your friends. I know two chain smokes who quit, their biggest relapses were stress related and it took a year or so to fully get that itch to go away, but even years later, one of them told me she bummed a cig and nearly choked on it. So the urge is really tough.

I don't buy into patches or other products, but it could help to eliminate that oral fixation. Of course the one person i knew who did patches ended up having the patch and started smoking again too. Good luck after that!

[Misha] It turns out I'm admittedly horrible at keeping him on task, but that's just because I value his mood over his accomplishments.

[Dashie] she's an enabler, don't sugar coat it.
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