Jump to content

Cirque & Alistair's Journey Journal


Cirque

Recommended Posts

Hey everyone, my name is Kenny (or Cirque, if you like) and my tulpa's name is Alistair.

 

This is actually my third attempt at making a tulpa (You may want to skip this next bit if you're only here for the actual progress reports)

 

When I first decided to make a tulpa I was about fourteen, which, looking back, is way too young to be taking on such a huge responsibility. To my credit, I did manage to stick with it for about a month and a half before I gave up. I don't remember my exact reasons for doing so. To be honest, I probably just got bored of it or something, knowing my fourteen year old self.

 

Fast-forward two (or maybe three) years, and I somehow got the idea to make a tulpa back into my head. Because my memory is terrible, and I'd lost all my old tulpa-related writings from my first attempt, I decided to start from scratch. Things were going well, until, about two or three weeks into the creation process, I started seeing my original tulpa hanging around my new tulpa and I's wonderland. I'm guessing it was just a result of my interest being revived suddenly, but I started feeling really guilty about making a new tulpa, rather than trying to revive my old one. As I mentioned earlier, however, I couldn't really remember anything about him, and all of notes and logs were lost when my old computer decided to take a shit about a year prior. Deciding that maybe tulpa creation just wasn't for me, I shelved the whole idea and tried to forget about it completely.

 

Now, a year or two later, I've decided to revive my second tulpa. I hadn't achieved sentience with him yet (I really hadn't gotten very far at all), so I figured it would be easier than starting over again. I still feel guilty about the other two attempts, but I'm going to try and not let them get in the way this time. I feel like I've matured quite a bit, and I'm ready to take on the responsibility that comes with creation.

 

Anyway, I hope my shoddy track record won't effect anyone's opinion of me, heh. Now, onto my actual progress reports!

 

Day 1

4/17/15

 

I'm labeling this as day one, but I started reviving Alistair about a week ago. I've just now started cracking down and getting really serious about things, however, now that my life has slowed down a bit.

 

Anyway, I've been narrating to Alistair throughout the day, although it's a bit hard with school and everything. I did a bit of visualizing as well. It was surprisingly easy, which probably has something to due with the fact that I spend a good majority of my time day dreaming. I'm going to try and do some active forcing later tonight, when it quiets down some.

 

Day 2

4/18/15

 

Today has been pretty busy, a lot of running around and picture taking because it's my brother's junior prom. I didn't really get a chance to talk to Alistair until later in the day, but I did experience some head pressure in the midst of some passive forcing. It was towards the back of my head, and when I asked Alistair if it was him it continued for a couple more seconds before stopping.

 

Also: I heard an odd noise in the shower tonight. It was sort of...mechanical? I asked Alistair if it was him and I didn't get an answer, so I'm not sure if it's related. I'm guessing not, but I'd really like to know what it was...

 

Day 3

19/4/15

 

It's one in the morning and I think I may have heard Alistair speak? I was picking out some music to listen to while we worked on his personality (it helps me focus), and I said something along the lines of, "I'm glad we only have your personality left, since your form's pretty much done." And I think I heard a muffled voice say, "Yeah." The music made it hard to tell for sure, and when I asked him to repeat it I got nothing, but I'm pretty sure it was him. Funny, he doesn't sound at all how I imagined he would.

 

It's afternoon now and I've been passively forcing for the majority of the day, since I don't have anything else to do. I'm happy to say I received another response from Alistair! A friend of mine recommended a few animes to me, and I figured I'd give them a try, since I haven't watched any in a while. Whenever I have a choice to make, I ask Alistair his opinion first (In this case, "Which one do you wanna watch?"), and, for the first time, he answered! Through head pressure, rather than words, but I'm happy either way. He picked the one I didn't want to watch, of course, but it turned out to be pretty good, so I've got no complaints.

 

He also seemed pretty excited about his ability to communicate, and kept doing it, to the point that I had to ask him to tone it down a little. He stopped, and I think it may have even tired him out a bit, because he's only been answering a few of my questions, and the responses seem a bit weaker now.

 

I'm a little...skeptical, I guess, with how quickly this is progressing? I dunno, a week seems too soon to me, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm picking up an old tulpa rather than starting from scratch? I don't know.

 

On an unrelated note, I've decided to give lucid dreaming a try. I've had one or two lucid dreams in the past, but upon realizing I was dreaming, I woke up. I'm hoping it'll actually work out this time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 4

4/20/15

 

I think we're making more progress! Last night I asked Alistair to try and wake me up at seven, as I've seen others do the same thing. I thought it would be a good test of how far he's come. I think he succeeded. Sort of. Since I've also decided to try giving lucid dreaming a shot, I asked Alistair to come meet me, if he could, before I went to sleep. This morning I had a dream that he woke me up at exactly seven...right before my six thirty alarm went off. I know it might have just been my brain making connections on its own, but I'd like to think it was him doing his best. I think the more confidence I show in him, the faster he develops.

 

Another thing I noticed was that when I went to visit our wonderland, he was still in his normal bed, rather than the stasis pod. He changed positions a couple times, too, which is the most movement I've seen him do on his own so far.

 

Other than that, our day has been pretty uneventful. I had school, so I've really only had the chance to talk with him a little. I also think he may have been asleep for a majority of the day, as I only managed to get any responses out of him around five or so. Once he got going, though, he was pretty pushy, and we played games for around an hour and a half before stopping. He's pretty quiet again, I think he probably tired himself out.

 

I'd also like to note that, while Alistair's only been around for a short time, I'm already noticing a few changes in myself. I'm more motivated, in a bit of a better mood than usual, and I don't feel as alone as I used to. I'm already so grateful that I decided to create him, and I can't wait to see how he develops further.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 6

4/22/15

 

I forgot to type up a report yesterday, which is something I promised myself I wasn't going to do. In my defense, I was a little upset, though. I kind of had a breakdown, and relapsed self harm wise, and on top of that I couldn't get any responses out of Alistair all day. My automatic assumption was that he was freaked out and avoiding me, but I talked to him about it and apparently he was just trying to give me space, because he thought it was what was best. I explained to him that with me, it's the opposite, and he seemed to understand.

 

Other than that, nothing noteworthy has really happened. We've mostly been hanging out in our wonderland, working a little on visualizing, and of course I've been narrating to him throughout the day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 8

4/24/15

 

I've been spending the last few days working on visualization and spending time with Alistair in our wonderland. I've also continued to ask him to wake me up at seven every morning, which he's been doing!

 

While spending more time with him, I've noticed a lot of deviation in his personality. I originally pictured him being quiet, gentle, and very kind in general, but he's turning out to be...not mean, exactly. It's kind of hard for me to explain, but there was something that happened last night that's a pretty good example of what I mean.

 

I was doing a quick forcing session before bed, as I've been trying to nail down all the little details in his appearance. In the middle of it, I heard a voice say, "Goodbye." I assumed it was Alistair and started freaking out, asking what he meant, asking over and over again if he was still there, and got no answer. After a few more attempts at questioning, I heard a laugh, and felt a bit of head pressure.

I'd be lying if I said the whole thing didn't make me angry, but I'm over it now. I think it might have been revenge for me not paying enough attention to him over the last few days.

 

That's all that's really happened over the last two days. I've also decided I'm only going to upload entries when something interesting happens, as I doubt anyone wants to read "Nothing really happened today." Over and over.

 

Anyway, I promised Alistair we'd play Left 4 Dead today, and he's getting impatient, so that's all for now!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This isn't going to be in the same format as usual, because I'm posting from mobile. I was just too excited to wait until I could get at my laptop.

I had prom over the weekend, and, between getting my hair done, going out to dinner, and lock in, I didn't really have any time for forcing. I promised Alistair about a week ago that we'd have a "prom" of our own to make up for me basically ignoring him for two days, though. He was pretty excited about it, and it was fun, although I had to cut it short though, because it was getting late, and I didn't want to fall asleep in the middle of it and make him mad. I told him we could finish today, as long as he promised to be good and not do anything weird this time.

Now, onto the part that got me excited; I had a dream with Alistair in it! It wasnt lucid, unfortunately, but I know for sure that he was in it. We were hunting something, and I remember that we were interrogating someone, and something that they said was funny to him because he started laughing. It was exactly like the laugh I remember hearing a few days ago, too. I don't really remember what happened in the rest of it, but I'm pretty sure that we had a conversation about something. I would ask him, but he's still not vocal yet, and the best I can do right now is ask yes or no's.

That's all for now, I might add more to this later as we still have an entire day ahead of us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...