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24th July 2019

Roska aged from the toddler stage after the first day, his form is now about the size of a 6-year-old and I'm kinda expecting it to be even older in the morning when we all wake up. Seeing how everyone's interacting with each other now makes me kinda sad that he won't stay a child for longer, it's just about the cutest thing ever. Desmond's grateful for it, though. He took the co-parent role knowing he'd age quick and the thought of prolonged parenting over a kid growing up in "real time" gave him quite the anxiety :'D

Desmond and L both already know they'll drop the parent act when it's time to do so and are making sure to never call themselves "dad" or the like when talking with Roska, instead advicing him to call them by name. Roska has taken to using Desmond's full name (instead of his nickname Desu (E as in "hen", U as in "full") that everyone else calls him). Desmond's not a fan but not really against it either, it is is name after all, just not what he's used to hearing on a daily basis. It's also likely that Misa won't stop calling herself Roska's big sister, even though he's likely to age past her Big Grin But she's ageless and technically older anyway.

Roska likes drawing and taking notes of things, even if they never stick around for more than a moment after putting them down on paper. It's kinda like how Nevira and L enjoy "reading", which is basically them just idling while staring at a book with pages of complete gibberish, or how Desmond sometimes plays tetris on an imaginary Nintendo DS. It's an expression of self, in a way, more than an actual activity, and it keeps their hands busy. Him liking that sort of things makes me wonder if he'd want to front sometime in the future, maybe do actual art.

I'm intentionally keeping him off of external communication for now (the forum, group chats, etc), to sort of allow a proper base at least to form before turning him loose. I don't know why, but it feels like the right thing to do here, so that's why I'm doing it like that, no other real reason there.

His name still amuses me, though I'm getting used to thinking of it as a name instead of a noun.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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24th July 2019
(The dates are a bit off because I tend to stay up until around 4 am, for me this is kinda a different day from the last post...)

It's been a very active couple of days for me because of this whole Roska business. Can't complain, just odd that there's something I want to write about every day, even if it's short.

He's been "growing up" a lot quicker than I expected, I suppose I sort of underestimated how fast new tulpas can develop when I've already had four before him, or it's been so long that I forgot. I mostly based my "few weeks to months at most" expectation on how Nevira didn't speak until about two weeks of forcing, but then again Roska was a lot clearer from the get-go and not made from scratch like she was.
His form can't decide if it wants to be 6 or 10, and it seems to sort of sail around between there somewhere. Broke L's heart a tiny bit today by deciding he doesn't need to be tucked in anymore :'D 
Overall I think I'm getting a young teenage-ish vibe from him, when it comes to how his personality development is going. Then again I probably think less of young teens than how they actually are. I'm 22, not that old, but I just can't think of people under 15 as anything but children. I mean, technically they are children. But maturity and intelligence-wise. Despite the fact that I have evidence to the contrary; my youngest sister is 16 and she's not dumb. Young to be sure, maybe a bit more naive than I was at that age, but a smart and genuinely interesting, nuanced person. Take a couple of years off of that and it shouldn't be that different. I don't know how he'll be tomorrow, if he's past this 6 to 10 yo mix or sticks somewhere in between there. He's developed enough that by now I'm comfortable with an older form, like 14-16, but I'll leave it up to him. 
He's is getting more and more involved in conversations with others in our system, chiming in and expressing opinions. He picked his clothes today, the style he wants to go by and that, ditched colors entirely. They all take after me on that aspect, I guess, I wear nothing but black and grey, except for the prints on my t-shirts and hoodies. Fact still is, the only colors in my tulpas outfits are the occasional accessories and Desmond's ear piercings.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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25th July 2019

Roska seems to want to stay child-like for a little while longer. I think he enjoys the attention and the unique interactions it gets him.

Desmond cried again last night because of an emotional spell caused by sleepiness. Roska came by to see what was up and after being assured everything was ok, L went to walk him back to his room (we repurposed the small library space to be an extra bedroom because we didn't want to modify the existing house too much). When L was about to leave, Roska asked if they'd still be friends even if he became an adult. L, having a soft spot for children and by extension for Roska, broke down in tears while repeating the question to Desmond back in their bedroom. Everything was so emotional at that moment; L was crying, Desmond was crying, and I was crying. L said something along the lines of: "He's ours, Desmond. He's ours, and I don't want to let that go anymore", implying he felt a deeper connection between the three of them. In such a short time L has completely adopted him and formed such a strong emotional bond that I almost feel like this whole thing might have been a bad idea, even though the emotional impact for everyone has been overwhelmingly positive for it. I guess I just don't want to feel like I forced in something that wasn't supposed to be there, but then again what was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to have a fifth tulpa at all.
Even Desmond agreed with L and repeated "he's ours" after him, and then they just clung to each other in a tight hug until they both calmed down.
L went back up to talk about it with Roska. They still don't want to be called anything but their names, but he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be weirded out if they felt like they were his more-or-less literal parents, in a sense that they might have unconsciously influenced his appearance and personality with all their previous talk of wanting a child. Which, I guess, is as close as you can get to an accident baby with tulpas. I can't prove it to be true or false, it's more of a gut feeling that's floating around. He even made sure to let him know that even if he took an adult form the very next day they'd still feel the same, because age is such an abstract concept for tulpas anyway, and no matter what he'd still be 5 years younger(/newer?) than them. Roska seems okay with it, maybe even reassured or relieved.

I keep comparing the situation to what it was with Misa, which was very different. L adopted her, sure. He still gets emotional if Misa references the parent-child -like relationship they have, but he doesn't think she's literally his daughter. He loves her, but it's more the same way that he loves me or Nevira: we're all family. This feels different. It's also different because of how different Desmond's reaction to it is. Night and day really. Maybe he's just grown that much during the past 4 years.

So the question is, do I get to call myself a grandma now? :P
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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Lol, that's so sweet. What a surprise huh?
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Hahah, yeah. I think we kind of needed something like this :'D it's been a huge boost to morale.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
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28th July 2019

Things are starting to calm down and get back to business as usual. I get to go back to doing other things instead of being constantly distracted by everything tulpa-related, can get some writing down and stuff.

Roska has been testing out an older form every once in a while, he can shapeshift into it fairly easily. It's roughly an 18yo. looking form. His voice and demeanor all change when he assumes that look, it's kind of like how L's behavior is completely different in his wolf form. He doesn't seem to be comfortable in it, though, and shifts back pretty quickly. He says it feels more natural to be a child, at least for now, and that's okay. I've got nothing against it, even if it did feel a bit odd at first when he stopped growing up. 8 is an okay age, not too small to be overly dependent, but not yet a pre-teen either. Desmond was a bit worried if this meant he'd be growing in real-time and therefore put us through five or so years of puberty eventually. Roska said he wouldn't plan on being an annoying teen if that was the case Big Grin

It was +30 Celsius the other day, which the hottest it's been this summer where I'm at. I know it's way warmer in other places, but this is a lot more than I'm used to. I've managed to keep my apartment relatively cool, but my face was still constantly wet from sweat and it was impossible to be comfortable while doing anything but laying down between a fan and an open window. Desmond hates how connected he is to my physical body, he's suffered with me while the rest of the tulpas are blissfully unaffected by outside temperature.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
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24th August 2019

Desmond's been having off days again. He's not doing so great, but it isn't as bad as it could be yet. A friend of ours noticed he was heading down that path even before we did, I guess she recognizes it since we've been talking for years and it's always this time of year. Today is one such day. He's really quiet and distant and doesn't want to do anything, so I'm shopping with Roska instead, today.

It's fun walking next to him because I can so clearly feel just how tiny he is. I'm just about 159cm (around 5'3 if I remember correctly) tall myself, which I'm sure is average in some parts of the world, but I'm the shortest person in my family, my grandma is only shorter because she's shrunk from old age. It feels weird to walk with someone shorter because that's kinda rare, it almost makes me want to crouch down. But at the same time it makes sense because he is supposed to be a child. Misa is shorter than me as well, but doesn't hang out with me like this so it's different.
If I had to guess, I'd say Roska is more than 100cm, less than 130cm, but I can't say for sure without a measuring tape.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
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1st September 2019

The last few days have been super gay for Desmond and L. They've been all snuggles and kisses, loving eyes and sweet smiles, ignoring the rest of us and just being all lovey-dovey. Having Roska around makes L happier than he's been in a long time, which in turn makes Desmond happy. The three of them have really formed a lovely little family together, and that's all L has ever really dreamed of; marriage and kids. He's in such a good mood it's affecting all of us. I'm so happy for him.

I went shopping with Desmond and Roska today. I planned to get pizza on the way back, but Roska wanted to make our own, so that's what we decided on. It's kinda refreshing to have a tulpa that actually pushes me to do stuff I don't necessarily want to do, I prefer pizza from pizza places compared to anything I can make myself, but it's good to get into the habit of cooking again. And it was a fun trip. He was excited to get back home because he wanted to tell L about everything he'd seen and done during it. He's a cute kid, and now that he's gotten to know everyone and developed some more, he's excitable and curious, asking lots of questions and filled with childlike wonder.

Desmond's gotten over his awkwardness around Roska and grown comfortable to have conversations with him and give him the occasional hug. He even called himself a dad when talking about him, but hates that I paid so much attention to the fact haha. He thinks he's "too young for shit like that" and it's embarrassing for him when others comment on it, but he seems to like the role. He's grown up so much.

I'm supposed to be going back to school tomorrow. I'm not exactly nervous, just sort of uncomfortable. I'll have to go back to using the bus, and I've been alone at home for so long that human interaction just sounds so so exhausting and annoying and not at all worth it. And I'll have to be around people almost every day when attending classes. At least in the beginning. We'll see how it goes, but I'm sure at least Roska will be interested in seeing what goes on outside my home life.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
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