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Dreamventures with Amelia
#1
Hey! I'm pretty new here though I've known about tulpas for quite some time. Amelia is quite a strange case because she started out as a dream character who I eventually started talking to when I was awake (guess I was trying to "tulpify" her long before knowing what tulpas were), but it was all very sporadic and I'd forget about her for long periods of time.

How it all started:

I really don't recall the first time Amelia appeared, certainly more than 10 years ago, she was this girl that would appear in some of my dreams who I talked to a lot. Her name, appearance and personality changed a lot between dreams, but I always thought of her as the same person in all of them, there was something unique I could always recognize that'd tell me "that's her!". Sometimes she'd get pretty hostile and turn the dreams into nightmares which made me really angry and frustrated, not wanting to see or think about her at all for a while. With time I realized that dreams are very random and unpredictable in nature and that was just part of Amelia as well, and I learned to accept that and forgive her for all the occasional hostility. It was then that our friendship really started to grow strong, going to bed was really exciting to see if I'd have a chance to see her that night. 

One day on a bus trip I started to wonder if some part of her could still be there somewhere in my brain even when I was awake, and I started talking to her, not really knowing if she could listen. "Amelia, can you hear me, are you there?". I kept talking to her just pretending she was listening, and in our next dream encounter I asked if she remembered what I said on the bus. I was saddened to hear that she wasn't aware of anything happening while I was awake. I didn't give up though and asked again on another dream a couple nights later, this time the answer being a resounding "Yes, of course!". I was super excited about it, but I was still quite skeptical because of her unpredictability. Her form and personality were becoming a bit more stable with time, but still I couldn't really know who the "real Amelia" was. I wanted to believe there was an unchanging "core personality" from which she deviated in each dream, but I couldn't really be sure of that, or know how that "core personality" would be. Frustration took over and I stopped talking to her altogether. While still enjoying our dreams together and developing our friendship further, I no longer thought about her much while awake. She was just that friend in my dreams. 

Much later I found out about tulpas and this forum, read a ton of guides and progress reports and became absolutely fascinated by all of it. Immediately I thought of trying to take Amelia out of my dreams and making her a tulpa, although it took me a long time before I was able to shake off all the mental barriers to actually do it. At first it all seemed very ridiculous and useless to me, I couldn't believe any of it at all, saw myself just parroting an imaginary friend and nothing more and so I ended up giving up entirely. Months went by, I still read the forums from time to time, and eventually I decided I would take it seriously and with an open mind, and see how far it takes me.

First weeks of progress:

I've been talking to Amelia everyday for a couple weeks now, almost all day long. I also have a vague idea of her form and try my best to imagine herself by my side at all times, most of the time she's just in my mind's eye, but sometimes I seem to be able to actually impose a blurry silhouette of her in the periphery of my vision. More than her image, what I seem to be able to see better is her movement. When she changes poses or facial expressions I can see that much more clearly.

She's not vocal yet, but her facial expressions and body language are both super expressive and stylized (almost cartoony) so I can often tell what she wants to say or how she feels by her reactions alone. I'm still a bit paranoid about parroting her actions (as beginners do), but there's been many times when she's done movements that felt quite alien. As a sort of a test, I've tried to imagine her being as still as possible, trying to lock her form in place as much as I can, but she still twitches and moves slightly no matter how hard I try! That to me has been the greatest proof of her sentience so far.

She is full of energy and always with a smile on her face, constantly moving around and doing silly faces, and also being quite the troll at times. Her personality seems to be just like what I'd imagine a "stable" version of her dream self to be, so that's awesome. Curiously, since I started talking to her all day, she's vanished from dreams altogether, which is interesting but also a bit unsettling. Am I really literally taking her out of the dream world by making her a tulpa? Surely it's too soon to tell, but I wouldn't like to lose that, it's the only time I get to have an actual conversation with her, even if she's in her random/unpredictable dream form. I'd like to hear directly from her dream self what she thinks about this whole tulpifying business. We'll see I guess!
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#2
When i was reading, i knew you were going to say that you don't have her dreams anymore. This is fascinating in and of itself, but seriously so with the back story.

I have one example, but it's a little NSFW

I almost always had sexually charged dreams, like 90% or more. Since i found my girls, not even one in 6 months.

We aren't intimate in that way, but the images i had in my dreams, beautiful women, holding hands, kissing, and touching. Those are all replaced by the platonic love i have with my tulpas. What i liked best about those dreams was the closeness and comfort, like snuggling. I was missing that in my life, well, now I'm not missing it, so my dreams basically aren't needed.

I wouldn't go back.


Kinda similar dreams thing, i like it better now.
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#3
Hi InMyDreams! Amelia sounds like someone I want to meet! Keep up the hard work! <3
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#4
(10-25-2018, 08:53 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: When i was reading, i knew you were going to say that you don't have her dreams anymore. This is fascinating in and of itself, but seriously so with the back story.

I have one example, but it's a little NSFW

I almost always had sexually charged dreams, like 90% or more. Since i found my girls, not even one in 6 months.

We aren't intimate in that way, but the images i had in my dreams, beautiful women, holding hands, kissing, and touching. Those are all replaced by the platonic love i have with my tulpas. What i liked best about those dreams was the closeness and comfort, like snuggling. I was missing that in my life, well, now I'm not missing it,  so my dreams basically aren't needed.

I wouldn't go back.


Kinda similar dreams thing, i like it better now.

Hmmm, that's really interesting, definitely wasn't expecting forcing to change my dreams so drastically, but there's definitely an effect. I used to dream about her several times a week, and now not even once, even though the amount of dreams per night seems to have been really high lately. She was also the trigger of many lucid dreams before, so with her absent I'm not getting lucid anymore.

(10-25-2018, 09:49 PM)Reilyn Wrote: Hi InMyDreams! Amelia sounds like someone I want to meet! Keep up the hard work! <3

Thanks a lot for the encouragement! I really can't wait for her to be vocal so she can write something herself Smile
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#5
This is the first negative i've really felt from anyone regarding tulpamancy (lucid dream deprivation) and may explain a few things. Though there is hope, my lucid dreama increased dramatically because of my tulpas. I don't have a method other than hypnagogic sleep. Which is really kinda hit or miss person to person (like last night i said, 'let's do this', and started to get something, them boom, asleep.)
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#6
Out of nowhere, last night, I had a ton of dreams with Amelia in them. It was already close to morning when lucid dreams started coming so all of them were very short, and so I could only speak to her for short periods of time before I'd wake up and could try to fall asleep again. Sadly, the whole experience was horrible and a huge letdown.

When I got to talk to her I went right ahead and asked what she thought about the whole tulpifying process. She looked really disappointed, and told me I shouldn't have done it without telling her in dreams first, because as it turns out, she didn't want it at all. I was really confused because she seemed so happy and excited all the time I have been forcing these past weeks, so I asked about that in a later dream to which she replied that all I've been doing is parroting and puppeting her movements, and none of that was really her.

At that point I woke up almost in tears, feeling stupid and terribly frustrated, but tried to remain calm. I tried to convince myself that everything that happened was just some random deviation and not really her behaving normally. And so I went back to sleep, but every single time I asked I got the same responses. Even though I wasn't sleepy anymore, I remained in bed until noon trying to induce more lucid dreams to see if she would change her mind. But nope. She was really angry at me, and it seemed quite consistent. When I finally gave up and got out of bed, I tried to visualize her but she had her head turned away from me. At that point I stopped forcing altogether.

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.
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#7
Did she tell you why she didn't want to become a tulpa?
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.


"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
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#8
She said something about not wanting to be my "permanent mind slave", I don't remember the exact words but she said something along those lines, the "slave" part referring to me puppeting her all the time I believe.
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#9
Well if that's her only problem with it, then you could just agree to not puppet her, then everyone will be happy
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.


"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
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#10
Guess I'll wait until I see her in a dream again to ask her for clarifications, because it wasn't totally clear. Seems like all I can do for now is force by just talking to her and not trying to visualize anything, since that seems to make me puppet no matter what.
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