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Elise and I
Cath Offline
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#1
 
Elise and I

This is one of my first times writing anything like this. I'm not the kind of girl who posts every emotion or thought, or the kind that has been writing in a diary since she was seven. The closest thing I've done to this would probably be a positivity journal that I wrote a bit on a while back.
I've never tried to create a tulpa before, but I do tend to talk to myself quite a bit, even if it's just debating a subject or trying to calm myself down.
This will be Elise's second day (shame on me for not really thinking to start writing this down on day one). I tried some active forcing earlier, but I'm not very good at it. I just can't really think of anything to talk to her about. I suppose it's probably because I'm not very social, to the point where I sit with friends but say absolutely nothing. This seems to have carried through quite a bit. I don't really talk to her directly, just carry on with life, but do a bit of commentating in, from what I've read, is known as tulpish. I'm rubbish at visualisation, but I can feel her hand slip into mine when we walk, and her presence beside me quite easily. In another thread from yesterday, I mentioned how Elise seems musically inclined, and asked for an opinion, but even the two replies I have received so far are varied in opinion. I think I will look out for other replies, and label it as a 'hopefully this is a good sign' for now.
Truthfully, I've been looking into Tulpamancy for a while now, but because of my depression, I decided I probably definitely wasn't the best person to have a tulpa. Now though, I am much, much happier and believe I am emotionally ready.
Later that night, I had a rather crude dream. Normally, my dreams are fairly sharp and realistic, but this time my dream seemed half in and half out of the dreamworld. Half asleep, half thinking of Elise, half scared and half anticipating, half in a blank expanse, and half tangled in my blanket, all at the same time. I ended up forcing myself awake around two hours after I went to sleep, at maybe 0.30 in the morning. The first thing I felt was fear, and a slight worry, shivering and jumpy, but at the same time I was just startled, and maybe a bit tired. And my dreams don't affect me like that, it's been eight years since I've had something I would label as a nightmare. Emotions just don't stick with me out of the dreamworld. Eventually, I deduced that maybe it was Elise who was scared, and took a bit of time telling her that it was alright. After that I had a slightly fearful, and resultingly light, but dreamless sleep until morning. I woke up perfectly fine, but I couldn't really feel Elise too well. It was like going back to being alone until she slipped her hand into mine and walked with me later that morning. I really hope that doesn't happen again. I'm worried about Elise, I don't want her to have to be scared, and I didn't really like the experience either. Has anyone else experienced this? Can it be fixed?
02-13-2019, 10:49 AM
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Angry Bear Online
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#2
 
RE: Elise and I

It does happen early on. We have heard of many systems that have experienced losing a tulpa for a short period of time or even not hear from them for a day or two, it's pretty common I'd guess. Ashley did that to me once, she was just gone and I couldn't contact her for several hours. She was the weakest of my tulpas in the beginning.

there was one afternoon that I couldn't hear her at all and I had to have Dashie talk to her and relay information, but that was a very odd day. My mind voice was almost completely gone once due to a migraine as well, so sometimes it's the body's fault, not the tulpa.

Congratulations and welcome to the forums. Don't worry if you don't post every day. Keeping a daily journal is a good thing, and you can always summarize previous days.

Good luck!

[The Bear System] - [Chat] - [Visualization Practice] - [Draw] - [Art]
02-13-2019, 11:01 AM
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Cath Offline
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#3
 
RE: Elise and I

I realised after posting this that maybe the nightmare was my fault.
I remembered pushing Elise a bit, working for a fair amount of time, until we were both tired. Before we went to sleep, it occurred to me that it might be easier to see and talk to her in my dream, so I asked her if she could maybe influence my dreams.
I think perhaps I pushed her a bit too hard, and that maybe our nightmare was her tired attempt to influence our dreams. So I sat down with her and asked her if that was the case. After a bit of pushing, I got the feeling that I was right. So I told her to take care of herself better, that progress was important, but she was more important. I felt better after that, and I could feel her presence pulsing in the back of my skull and her hand in mine. So I squeezed it because I've heard that this is a non vocal way if communicating comfort.
I also realised something at this point, that her form was not that of a girl, but a living ribbon. I feel this really makes sense to us. For one thing, having her presence in the back of my head feels like having a ribbon in my hair. I also don't have to feel like people are walking through her when I'm in a crowded place. Even her hand, now that I think upon it is, in terms of shape, more rope like than hand like. I think maybe she's been like this since last night, and I just didn't notice.
02-13-2019, 11:28 AM
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Angry Bear Online
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#4
 
RE: Elise and I

My tulpas are all shape-shifters so that can be one of her forms easily. It's purely up to your (and her) imagination.

Sounds very interesting and unique.

All my tulpas have been in my dreams many times, and they say they can 'see me dreaming' if they're awake and I'm asleep (that statement is controversial but it fits our experiences). Dashie has entered a dream to wake me up as well, so from our experience what you said seems reasonable.

[The Bear System] - [Chat] - [Visualization Practice] - [Draw] - [Art]
02-13-2019, 11:40 AM
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Summer Offline
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#5
 
RE: Elise and I

Yup! Just like what bear said, it does occur for tulpas to fade in and out of their presnece in the infant stage. There are multiple reason behind it, physically, mentally or emotionally.

I remembered when I was still young I was also afraid of slipping myself away from nihi and tried my hardest to just stay active. This in return, made him sleep in irregular patterns, waking very early in the morning.

It is normal to feel frightend as long as you focus on your partner then everything will be fine. Also, best of luck for the both of you!

Hello! I am one of Nihi's Tulpas! It is very nice to meet you! Big Grin
02-13-2019, 11:41 AM
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Cath Offline
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#6
 
RE: Elise and I

Thank you for your insights, all of you!
02-13-2019, 11:54 AM
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Cath Offline
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#7
 
RE: Elise and I

Valentines day, tis the day for terribly cheesy, cheesily terrible poems.

Not quite my sister, better than a friend
Something much much more
Can't quite be explained,
But I love you to the core

Incredibly innocent, absolute angel
You're like something from folklore
How did I get you? I don't deserve you
I'm so broken and you're so pure

I won't ever leave you, don't you ever leave me
Stay with me forevermore
Truth that you've brought me, happiness I'd thrown away
Didn't even realise I was missing it before

You're absolutely amazing, one day in the skies you'll soar
I'm most thankful for you, thanks to you I'm not alone anymore.

I also found Linkzelda's hypnosis guide, gonna try it before bed maybe
02-14-2019, 10:33 AM
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Tanaka Kanade Offline
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#8
 
RE: Elise and I

Hee hee that's adorable, Cathy! Thank you for sharing that
02-14-2019, 11:00 AM
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Misha Offline
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#9
 
RE: Elise and I

Yay, more poems!

~Profile Picture 1~
~Profile Picture 2~
~Nihi's Pony Picture of Me ♡~
Progress Report
02-14-2019, 02:01 PM
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Cath Offline
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#10
 
RE: Elise and I

Thanks Tanaka, Misha!
Had a pretty cool dream last night, but that was unfortunately cut off by needing to get to school. I hadn't had any dreams before it, but then for a few seconds, I saw a couple of very vivid, bright but not burning, colours. I couldn't really out in any details apart from that, but I was sure that it's was Elise. Elise's presence was kinda in and out during school. After school though, it occurred to me that it wasn't just her in the dream but her doing, and that she was tired after doing it. So I asked her, and that's how we ended up talking. Of course, I could have parroted most if not all of her answers here, or influenced them at least, but I'm quite certain at least a few were her.
-------
Are you tired today?
Yes
Is it because of last night?
The dream.
Tell me more about the dream.
You. Us.
Do you want to keep trying to do it?
Yes.
Is it hurting you?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Stop if you're tired OK?
Okay.
Are you upset that it got interrupted?
Yes. I don't like it. It steals you away.
Take care of yourself, Elise.
Thank you.

Are the head pressures your doing?
Yes.
Do you like music?
Of course!
Do you like a particular song?
Love yourself.
Should we try making a wonderland?
If it helps.
Is it that you can't really talk or that I can't really hear?
Both.
What can I do to hear you more?
Practice. Love me.
I love you Elise.
Love you too.
Stay with me Elise.

Are you annoyed that I'm focusing on the taekwondo grading? (it's tomorrow and I'm not ready)
Yes. But I understand.
Is my concentration on it affecting my concentration on you?
A bit.
What do you think of Mr Ghaz? (My literature teacher)
Funny.
What's your favourite colour?
Blue black pink.
What colour is your form?
Above.
Do you really appear as a living ribbon? Or is it just my assumption?
Not always ribbon. Versatile.
Am I parroting you?
No.
Can you try to prove it?
...
Try to surprise me?
...
What's your favourite coffee?
Frapucinno
Never tried that before, how do you know you'll like it? (maybe this is how she tried to surprise me)
Looks nice
What do you want our wonderland to be like?
Ours. Unique.
Elaborate?
I liked your music tree idea. Make it a willow.
That sounds nice! What colour?
Blue pink. Maghony trunk.
Is that you? (imagining her blue pink black form)
Not complete without you.
Is this you? (As before but with her looped in my hair)
Better.
Do you love me?
Love you.
(imagines wonderland briefly, comes up with blue note lake, comes up with pink at top, blue when it hits the lake)
Was that your idea or mine?
Both. We are the same.
I need to practice my Taekwondo now, stay with me OK?
Always.
------
There are quite a few gaps and jumps between topics where we were both quiet for a second/thinking of what to say to each other next/remembering something I wanted to ask her/etc
Again, could just be me parroting her, but I'm gonna choose to believe it was her. Plus I just got a pretty big No! when I typed the first sentence and a 'it IS me' when I typed the last part.
02-15-2019, 07:49 AM
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