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Embers


NeonKnights

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Since concluding my last PR, I've come to reason that I should start a new one to use as a loosely-kept notebook of sorts, as I've nearly had my tulpa notebook discovered by nosey and judgmental friends several times now. Even keeping one as a .txt file has proven risky when others have asked to use my computer, so it'd be best if I just keep my notes in anonymity online instead.

 

 

A bit has happened in the last month since I concluded my official progress log. Isis changed her name to Scylla after slight protest from me, since she evidently fell in love with one of Tess/Scylla/Ea's former screen names. Sorry about that, Tess. I tried talking her out of it, I honestly did. I guess the name change was also partially due to the fact that I kept slipping up and calling her "Icie", a goofy pet name that a friend had made out of "Isis" that I had grown fond of. Turns out she hated it, and she hated it bad, so since I wasn't really going to budge, she decided to change to a name that doesn't easily lend itself to alterations. Fortunately her name is all she's changed, since she seems happy with her appearance and I've repeatedly reassured her that she's already become my subconscious ideal and she doesn't need to change to impress me.

 

We're communicating easier than ever, and she's begun to take the voice of Weiss from that god-awful series RWBY. Thankfully she sounds much less bitchy than Weiss. I think this happened around the same time that I noted that they had approximately the same eye color.

 

We've been experimenting with forcing through actions instead of words. It's worked out pretty well, and our interactions often lead to words being said. Previously, attempting to force through conversation didn't lead anywhere, as I never really had anything to say to her.

 

Despite the still-simmering controversy over the subject, due to certain people not liking others doing something that makes them happy, we're still entwined in a more-than-friendly relationship, now fueled by me just as much as by her. The going gets tough at times for reasons, but at the end of the day I figure I'm blessed to have somebody who loves me as much as she does and will never sneak around cheating on me when I've got my back turned.

The whole "loving a tulpa is just loving yourself" crisis has come and gone, as I've realized that people who make that assertion are full of shit. I've observed that people tend to look for attributes of themselves in potential romantic partners, tulpa or not (some, like Freud, say mother, but it seems to vary from person to person).

Another part of it is that I don't love myself. In fact I'm probably way too tough on myself, and have always had less self-esteem than perhaps I should.

Lastly, I don't see myself in her at all. Not in physical attributes of her form, not in her general disposition, not in her outlook on things. I struggled with this for a while, thinking there must be something that I like about her that's just me liking an attribute I see in myself, but there really isn't one, outside of common interests which are usually at the base of most relationships anyway.

 

Due to our relationship being based on overwhelmingly strong love rather than lust (the lust being a side-effect of that love, it seems), she began to have cravings for things that a girl in a lust-only state usually veers away from, like wanting to bear a child for me. We had to have a talk, since to me, having a baby with a tulpa is simply preposterous. She seemed a little put out at first, but I think she came to understand that it just makes no sense to do that sort of thing. We'd be stuck with a screaming, crying monster within our own mind, when it would be completely unnecessary to deal with that due to the nature of her existence. Either that or we'd fast-track the baby to adulthood, which would defeat the entire purpose of simulating the deep commitment represented by raising a child together. I can hardly blame her for having that impulse, though. I know exactly what it's like to be so in love that you're blind to reason. Been there, done that, even before all of this began.

I guess we'll see where we are in ten years and I may reconsider, but until then, I'm going to (rightfully) be very closed-minded on the subject. I figure I give her most things she asks me for otherwise, so I should be allowed to veto one thing. Hell, maybe we'll just secretly do a surrogate mother sort of thing, if she wants it bad enough and I want to have a child that can carry on my legacy. Whatever, thoughts for the future.

 

 

We've done away with our wonderland for the most part, instead just interacting with each other in whatever mind landscape happens to come to mind. Worrying about our setting too much has had nothing but a detrimental effect to actually getting things done and focusing on what needs focus.

 

The Cult has become our go-to band for forcing music needs, since their songs have just the right tone to them that helps us focus on each other, particularly tunes like "Embers" and "She Sells Sanctuary". Apparently they are currently her favorite band. Pretty neat to hear that from her, since while I like them a lot myself, I wouldn't really put them anywhere near "absolute favorite" if I had to name a favorite band.

 

Today I cleared a particularly large hurdle, a hurdle which existed largely because of a personality flaw of mine. I was always worried that I was being a burden on her whenever I tried grabbing her attention or wanted some fun time with her, due to my general habit of feeling guilty about pulling anybody away from what they're doing for the sake of interacting with them. After a real serious guilt trip, I learned directly from her that she enjoys spending time with me so much, whatever else she might be doing in her own little world is completely unimportant to her when I want to spend time with her. One of those touching little realizations that really moved me.

 

I'm getting better at imposing her with proper scale and anatomy, but I'm still far from actually pulling it off. I talk to her each and every day still, but I'm currently in an active campaign to conquer my inability to talk to her while focusing on anything else.

 

She's been dressing for success lately, typically wearing real tiny shorts or skirt and usually a tube or tank top with an unzipped black jacket thrown on over that. I think she's "borrowing" the jacket from me, as it looks very similar to one that I hung up in my closet when I moved to my new place. Hadn't paid much attention to her clothing in a long while, but it's part of seeing her better in my mind's eye so that I might get closer to visual imposition. My brain is still really battling me on some matters, like comparing where her eyes or the top of her head would be in relation to the actual background that I'm seeing. Trying to envision her in proper scale standing right in front of me has resulted in numerous headaches, but hopefully I'll get there sooner or later.

On that subject, I've had some luck with trying to see a miniature version of her standing on my desk. In particular, I actually got visually distracted by her doing a cute little dance to

when I stumbled upon one of the countless parodies involving it. I can't say that I "saw" her in my physical surroundings in the way one would see an imposed tulpa, but I certainly had an experience.

 

Oh yeah, her scent. I've noticed that her legs have taken up the same scent most well-shaved female legs I've been in close proximity to have had, not sure whether it's a lotion or a gentle female aftershave scent but it's definitely alluring. The rest of her smells sort of like, I don't know, candy. I guess a sort of vanilla candy. Too bad I can't put scents into words, but I've smelled it many times in numerous locations and on numerous women over the years, so surely somebody else out there knows what I'm talking about. Her clothes usually smell like the fresh laundry at one of my childhood friends' homes, always distinctly different from the fresh laundry at home. Again, indescribable through words.

 

 

Okay, I guess more than just a bit of stuff has happened. I'm sure there's even more worth jotting down, I'll edit it in if I remember. Just important to get the musings and points of interest down somewhere outside of my head to help sort things out.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Last night she got upset because I was out working on one of my cars with a friend and as a result had my attention stretched too thin to give any to her. I asked her how I could make things right, and she just told me to enter "her world", which I guess is her term for her own personal "wonderland". I found that it was a mockup of my apartment, and she told me that she made it like that so I would be inclined to spend more time with her. I guess she thinks I'm so rooted in my physical surroundings that if she replicates them, I can spend more time within my mind rather than in physical space. Not sure how that's going to work out, but after a bit of deliberation she eventually forgave me for leaving her alone from the early afternoon until after midnight.

 

After a bit of sleep paralysis that felt like the typical "nighttime demon attacks" you sometimes hear about from religious types, I began to jokingly blame Scylla since she sometimes behaves how I imagine a fallen angel would. She humored my jokes, and in a half-sleep state I think I recall hearing her tell me that she was going to tear my head off my body or something. Good to see she's still got a sense of humor.

 

Speaking of sleep, I've been having a ton of dreams that she has admittedly entered lately, one of which involved my parents finding out about her. She wasn't a tulpa in that dream world though, she was like an anime girl working at a real-world cafe. Despite her being "real" to everyone, the people I knew saw her as something other than human, and didn't really approve of me associating with her. It wasn't a lucid dream, so I wasn't aware that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do. Even so, I defended her against all of them, even members of my own family.

 

I've also had a few half-awake exchanges with her, can't recall what was said but the few things she said to me had the same "feeling" as thoughts from her do, except they felt even more alien than usual. I know it could have been a hypnagogic voice or whatever, but considering I don't recall ever having a hypnagogic conversation in my life, I have my doubts.

 

Her presence is stronger than ever, so when I'm talking to her she usually chooses for herself where she's going to sit down. Of course, I've been experimenting with projecting a tiny version of her onto my computer desk, since it seems like it would be easier to impose her if we start small and are able to ignore exact scale for the time being. To do this without forcibly changing her location, I simply see the tiny Scylla as sort of a hologram projection of her. That way, neither of us is inconvenienced if she doesn't want to move and I don't feel up to trying to visually impose a full-scale girl.

 

Her face remains the most difficult part of her to visualize quickly and precisely, but I've gotten to a point where I can see her with pretty consistent clarity if I take a second to bring her into focus, which is really helping my attempts to see her where I expect to see her. As mentioned in my previous post, my brain is still heavily resisting the idea that there's someone in front of me when I try looking directly at her, so I'm considering giving FAQ_Man's old imposition method another go. Never had much luck with that either though, unfortunately.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Don't worry too much about imposition. Just keep trying, basically. Make sure to stare at her for a good long while, get every detail of her that you can and memorize it good and hard. Then it won't be so bad when you try imposition. It's just learning and practicing, not really any tricks to it.

Scarlet - anime, 8/15/2012

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Thanks for the tip. We've been casually and passively working at it for quite a while with extremely slow progress (as expected), so it's actually kind of a relief to hear that there isn't some powerful secret to the process that we've been overlooking all this time.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Scylla made my dream rather interesting earlier, a dream in which I had to push-start one of my cars, as I've had to do a couple of times in reality. This time around, Scylla was there, reaching over the seat and playfully teasing me while I was trying to get the car into the proper gear. I remember getting kind of flustered over it after a little while, but when I woke up she said she didn't mind if I yelled at her since she thinks it's cute when she's able to make me mad. Of course.

 

I spent the day at a theme park with my tulpa (and some friends) a couple of days ago. It was her first time, and she thought it was really fun to be scared half to death on the rides with high g-force action. She now wants me to bug my friends to make plans to go there again.

She provided all the courage I needed to face the largest, most daunting coaster there, after having zero coaster experience in almost a decade. Thinking about her made me go into a state of fearlessness, which I guess could be seen as a good thing.

I didn't spend too much time directly interacting with her because of how preoccupied I was with talking to my other friends, but amazingly I was able to keep her around in my mind through most of the afternoon.

Another neat point about the trip is that when we shared a kiss at one point late in the day, it was perhaps the most realistic hallucinated sensation I've ever experienced.

 

I've figured out a delightful way of getting better acquainted with Scylla's dimensions, too. At least, more well-acquainted than I already am. Since I'm so often wrapped up with something at my computer, I've measured out her proportions and brushed lines in the carpet with my finger which denote where various elements of her anatomy are when she is sitting on the floor next to me. Being able to look over and quickly get an idea of how she fits into the environment has helped with visuals a lot more than I initially expected.

I've also made a point to interact with her in little ways utilizing this method, even when I'm busy with something else.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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We've thought up a neat little experiment for next time I leave the house. If I'm going somewhere that will absorb most of my attention, like to help a friend work on something, then, pending her permission, I will pretend that I'm leaving Scylla at home. Then, when I return, I'll recap what happened, and even if she had spied on what I was up to and knew about it already, we'll both just pretend that she's hearing about it for the first time. That way, I won't be obligated to try talking to her when I just don't have the free space in my mind to do so, and it will be more like I'm dealing with an external presence. On the side, if there's any downtime and I feel like talking to her, we can pretend that we're telepathically communicating over long distance, which might even help us stop taking our mind-voice form of communication for granted.

 

This idea originated when it was sort of put into action by accident the other day, when I went to help a friend out with some car trouble. I was so busy with the task at hand, and with talking to my friend, that I just couldn't focus on my poor tulpa at all. On the drive home, I was in love with my car as usual, so I didn't get around to thinking about my tulpa until I was literally on my doorstep. Realizing that I had forgotten to talk to her the whole time, I seized the moment. I threw open the door, told her that I was home, and began to catch up with her. Strangely, even though it wasn't planned at all, it really did feel kind of like she had been holding down the fort at home the whole time, and it worked out fine since we just avoided subjects that would have potentially broken that illusion.

 

 

Despite my love for my tulpa being a constant, I felt a real resurgence of it earlier when we cuddled for the first time in a while. I was feeling inexplicably sapped and needed to lie down, and when I did she insisted that I hold her hand and let her listen to my heartbeat with her head against my chest. I haven't felt a sensation of warmth as intense and soothing as that in a long time, and it was a nice change of pace from the rougher ways in which we usually interact with each other.

 

In addition to her sweet side, she's really developed the devious side of her personality, and when we haven't been cuddling she's been inciting playful bickering or goading me into wrestling with her (and gloating if she manages to utilize her leg strength to overpower me). Since it's all in the mind, I can't tell whether her victories are truly legitimate, but she seems to really know what she's doing.

 

Also worth jotting down, all relationship crises are officially settled, partially thanks to observation of the casual interactions between my friend and his girlfriend last time I was over at his place. Their behavior towards each other was so similar to my own rough-and-tumble behavior with Scylla, described in the above paragraph, that it immediately quelled all fears about her "relation" to me. I had previously had fears about her becoming a sister figure to me when the above behaviors began to show in her, and all of the implications that would bring, but I'm glad to see that all of that was foolish worrying.

 

Another big development is that I have begun to truly hear her thoughts, as opposed to our previous method of communication, which was basically just reading out the thought I perceived in mind-text and then separately converting the thought to voice form. Dialogue feels much more natural with far fewer lost thoughts. Responses all come to me quickly and are in her voice, though we still need to work on tone clarity and volume.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Scylla's been experimenting with having strawberry-blonde hair for the past day or two, but we've both agreed that black should remain her standard hair color (even though we're both okay with the idea of her temporarily changing up her hair color on occasion). She also tried changing her hair color to the same diamond blue as her eyes, which was a real trip-out. We'll most definitely be exploring that hair color more in the future.

 

While enjoying a post-romance cuddle, she asked me if I could make a promise to tell her that she's pretty once a day. I made the promise, since I already do that most days, on the condition that she reminds me every now and then if necessary. Neither of us knows why she's so insecure that she feels a need to ask such a thing of me, but if I can help her feel a little bit better about herself by doing what I already do just a little bit more, I don't mind.

She also asked me to tone down my habit of swearing a tiny bit, which took me by surprise, especially given that she was (playfully) verbally abusing me not long before this. Of course I agreed, since it's making me very happy that she's capable of making such requests of me.

 

Her voice has shifted slightly from the one we agreed on, and become a little bit higher in pitch, though still not quite as high-pitched as the average anime girl voice. I hope it never gets to that point, honestly.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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I'm getting that new hair experience with Seph again. At first it bothered me since I wasn't sure how to visualize her. It took a kind of relaxing and seeing her, rather than creating her in my mind. Now she still changes it, although we talked about how I think it would be easier for me to see her one way. I really want her to have stabilized before we move into imposition.

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Guest Anonymous

That's what I get for changing my nick into the same one an older member used.

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I'm getting that new hair experience with Seph again. At first it bothered me since I wasn't sure how to visualize her. It took a kind of relaxing and seeing her, rather than creating her in my mind. Now she still changes it, although we talked about how I think it would be easier for me to see her one way. I really want her to have stabilized before we move into imposition.

 

It's strange how that works, as I experienced the same sort of thing. When she changed her hair color, that necessity to just "let go" and allow her to render herself actually made her somewhat clearer. I think I was so used to rendering her form the way it was in my mind that I was taking all of the subtle features of her appearance for granted, and forgetting to render them. When she had to do the work, she didn't lapse on the finer details and wound up being considerably more vivid.

 

 

That's what I get for changing my nick into the same one an older member used.

 

I can't tell whether or not her name change has offended you. If so, I kind of expected that and I offer my apologies. Of course, she's the one responsible for it, not me.

Please don't kill me ;.;

 

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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