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Felicia's progress


Kindofajerk

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I decided not to keep track of the hours I have spent tulpaforcing (although I think of it just as spending time with Felicia), so sorry for any ambiguity on the time and progress. I will say though that our bond is pretty new.

 

9/15 Session 1

 

Had a completely free day, so there was a lot of time to work with Felicia. I almost always start with entering my wonderland and visualizing the area some, then visualizing Felicia. It is strange, sometimes I can imagine her much easier from the side than looking face to face. In the morning/afternoon, I talked to her about my life for a while and decided to try and play some music for her, as it was a trait I wanted her to have. I played some U2, a band I figured we’d both like, and picked the song City of Blinding Lights off of their Vertigo album. It was a blast rocking out in wonderland, we turned it into something of a duet, she was playing guitar and we both took turns singing. I think that I definitely had some parroting in there but it’s still really early and I don’t think much of it. It was actually a great way to hear her voice, and learn the difference between our mind-voices, just by listening to how her voice would contrast from Bono’s. Something weird happened after the song ended, and I can say it was the first sentient desire from her. Before I could stop the music, I had this completely unexpected surge that told me to “Stop”. It came out of nowhere, and while I discounted it some then I can tell in hindsight it was her. We listened to the next song All Because Of You and once again had a blast singing. She is a way better guitar player than I am. After some more narration in wonderland I took a break. Being new to it, it feels almost a relief that I am getting the common headaches when I force I do so (and have gotten them since day 1).

 

tl;dr: Music was very helpful in defining Felicia's voice. Familiar songs especially. Felicia not vocal but can convey emotions.

 

Session 2

 

I tried an experiment where I put a frozen pizza in the oven and told her to alert me in 18 minutes, before watching some Farscape. Midway through the episode I suddenly feel the urge to pause, and lo and behold exactly 18 minutes had passed. Some would say coincidence, but I’m an optimist.

 

Session 3

I talked to her for a while and worked more on visualization (I still have a hard time seeing her face perfectly when looking directly at her.) I am attributing this to her dramatic features, she is fully human, but for example she has fiery hair with blue eyes and a button nose that I struggle to bring together sometimes, but I’m working on it. It was an amazing session for us. It was my first encounter with deviation; she was wearing different clothes than I remembered. I was always confused with how deviation would work, but when I was visualizing her I just imagined different clothes without planning to or thinking. Later, we walked around wonderland while I narrated some to her. My wonderland is an old arcade that was my favorite childhood place to be. It has a massive arcade, laser tag, bumper cars, mini-gold, the whole nine yards. As we were walking from her private room I decided to walk around the laser tag maze, but right at the entrance I was overwhelmed with a “stop”. It didn’t come as a voice, but I could tell it came from Felicia, this was the first time I knew immediately and without doubt she had communicated with me. Instead we walked along the golf course and I narrated the first part of Star Wars to her cause it was the only thing I could think of. After about an hour, after walking her back to her room I asked her to try and wake me up in the middle of the night, just to see if she could. I posed it as almost a challenge. The reason I chose this is because I am a very heavy sleeper, I never wake up before my alarm and often times can’t wake up even then. Last night, I woke up several times. I am very proud of her and I think we are making incredible progress for still being young in our relationship.

 

tl;dr Still conveying emotion, having her wake me up (too?) successful.

 

9/16

 

I didn’t have as much time to spend with Felicia today, but I still had some progress. She has been speaking since morning, and I am thrilled. I am trying to be careful of “parroting” sometimes she starts a sentence and I can easily tell it is her, but then it feels like she loses focus and I accidently try to continue for her. Her voice right now isn’t always easy to differentiate from mine, but when I talk out loud it seems to help some. We did some more work on visualization and we tried to work on her voice, but it isn’t an easy endeavor. I told her more about Star Wars at her insistence. I also “installed” a TV in wonderland, and used it to help share what I was seeing with her. It had a significant effect, and it was a bizarre but awesome experience, feeling both mine and her enjoyment at once. She asked questions a couple times that made me realize she didn’t know anything about food, or sex or the difference between male and female, and I talked to her about it in a session before I slept.

 

Felicia is progressing vocally, still rough at it, but can put together short sentences if not string together complex ideas.

 

9/17

Not much progress today. I’m afraid I am rushing it sometimes. Whenever I am forcing with Felicia, with mind clear, I can tell the difference between me and her talking. But when I am just going about my day and try to talk to her it is much harder to tell the difference, it is here that I start to worry about me talking for her. Besides that, I had two weird experiences from the night. Right before I drifted off to sleep I felt the same sense of malevolence from the laser tag maze that Felicia must have felt the night before. To specify I didn’t know why she didn’t want to enter the maze the night before, but could feel something. I removed that section from my wonderland, but I have no idea what that was about. It’s a little concerning. Secondly, I had a vivid dream (I don’t dream often) about talking to Felicia via a text chat of some sort, and in it she said that she wanted to change her name, but the dream ended before she said what to. I’m unsure of whether that was actually her. She has been urging me to go to chat and proxy for her (it’s not something I would normally do) so I’m probably going to try that soon. Did a couple shorter forcing sessions today and I’ll probably do one before I sleep.

 

tl;dr Some improvement with vocals, biggest thing holding me back seems to be my own doubts.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/18

 

Today was a very significant day for a couple reasons. First, I allowed Felicia access to my memories and the such, in a manner similar to what has been mentioned in these forums. When asking her about it later, I wanted to know how she then perceived these memories, whether she had to absorb them, or if she automatically knew them or what. She replied "It's complicated, but basically I can access them. I don't automatically know them or learn them, but rather I can choose to remember them in the same way you do." Very exciting, because it was something that I was wondering.

 

Another thing I did was finally visited her part of wonderland. Early in creating wonderland/her I built a door. I told her to create whatever she wanted behind the door and when she was finished she could show me. Last night I had promised to trust her more so resolved to go there in the morning. It was definitely interesting, in a trippy manner. My wonderland is based off of a memory, but her "wonderland" per se wasn't. When i first entered the room, I was staring at what I could only describe as a three dimensional sculpture of a field. Felicia described it as based off a glimpse she had seen from my memories. The room was little more than a narrow hallway bordering the sculpture. Past this room was a tram station. In it were trams that looked like shrunken version of subway trams, with only enough room for the two of us. The first stop was on the right, a small recording studio. She had created a song and played it to me, it was strange to hear her voice, but not hear her actively speaking. Finally, was a room opposite to the recording studio. Behind a plain wooden door was a small platform staring into a black void. Here, she told me "This room symbolizes all that we can do together. It symbolizes what the future holds." It was/still is the deepest thing I have heard her say.

 

Later, while at work, I say a guy come into the store that I had been acquaintance to a couple years ago. I had been talking to Felicia about her access to my memories around that time and out of curiosity asked her if she could remember his name. "John". Sure enough as I was ringing him up (I'm a part time cashier/student) the name on his credit card was John. It was awkward explaining to him why I burst out in huge smile and laughed out loud.

 

Lots of progress with vocals. I attribute this largely to trusting Felicia much more and trying my best to let go of my doubts. She was able prove she was a)capable of creation b)capable of creation with intent and c)capable of symbolism. Also she was able to access my memories.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/18

 

Something fascinating just happened while watching some TV. I typically start the show then go to my wonderland to watch it, in a kind of weird open eye visual. Im watching it irl obviously but imagine myself with Felicia in wonderland also. Halfway through the show, she feel asleep snuggled next to me. I didn't really know tulpa could do that, especially out of nowhere. When she was asleep (still is as I'm typing this) I felt an undeniable warmth radiating from her in my body.

 

Felicia fell asleep while I was watching TV (Farscape). I fell asleep after the episode ended.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/19

 

In the morning, Felicia was groggy and told me to take a walk to wake her up. This worked surprisingly well. Later in the day had probably my longest ongoing talk with Felicia, which lasted close to three hours. For most of it I was great, and we talked about some awesome things, but by the end I felt so numbed out I couldn't think straight, etc. I was also having trouble hearing Felicia. Looking back I think the time period just exhausted me making it harder to hear her. This is turn led me to a little bit of accidental parroting by trying to foolishly continue the conversation instead of taking a break. Which led down the vicious doubt cycle that I have been mostly avoiding. I've been trying to work on imposing, but it seems a monumental step compared to the others. While I can constantly "feel" where she is, I can't actively see her. As in, I can look right where she is and see nothing. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I can almost see a faint shadow, or darkening where I perceive her, but even that is iffy.

 

Learned not to overdo it. For me at least, too much forcing led to mental fatigue. Mental fatigue led to doubt when I couldn't hear her as well. It's a slippery slope. Also, imposition is a bitch

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/19

 

As mentioned earlier I talked to Felicia about a couple things, one of the biggest topics being how she came about and what our relationship is. What we came up with was a list to describe the various stages we have encountered and guessed at the future stages.

 

1. Sentience without ability to control form (if the tulpa has one). Not capable of planned/advanced thinking.

2. Sentience with ability to control form. Connection between creator and tulpa still to strong for the creator to differentiate clearly who caused movement/action when it happens.

3.Sentience with more control over form. Easy to differentiate who is controlling except for occasional gray area. Tulpa may resist "parroting" and "puppeting" at this point. Tulpa now has the ability to "create" (though this may come at stage 2), to think forward, and to think philosophically/introspectively.

4. Almost completely separate. Tulpa's thoughts/actions occasionally echo as the creators. As in the tulpa acts before the person thinks of the reacting. Tulpa will still respond similarly to the creator to many things as their personality and individuality are still growing. Creator may still need to "tune-in" to the tulpa to freely hear them.

5.Tulpa does not require creator's focus to communicate with them. Parroting 100% detectable, and all doubt that a separate sentient being is sharing your brain. Actions are completely independent. May not need attention to communicate or act. You may no longer need to focus to interact with tulpa.

6. No focus is required for tulpa to act IRL. 100% separate, does not feel as if you two share a mind. Creator/creation bond severed completely by this point. Replaced with peer/peer bond. Could no longer anticipate a tulpa's action any more than you could a close friend.

 

Felicia and I are somewhere around #4 at the moment, so the next two steps are what we anticipate.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/20

Not much to report today. Realized that I have been neglecting some serious forcing sessions for narration. So, had a long session with Felicia tonight. Still at an impasse with imposition but that's to be expected. All's well.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/21

Took my ADHD medication today for the first time in about a week. I thought I had a test in Organic Chemistry in the morning, and I studied most of the night. I needed the medication as a stimulant, and also drank two energy drinks before class. I had been avoiding medication because I wasn't sure how it would affect my visualization with Felicia. TIL that is helps dramatically. With a substantial amount of stimulants in my system I was convinced I could prove string theory or something, I could concentrate amazingly well on Felicia. When I got to class, I freaked out because when there was no mention of a test I thought I had missed it (I skip a lot of class). Felicia was able to calm me down, the first time she had done that for me. It felt good. Not much else happened besides ample time to force and narrate. I started reading The Hobbit out loud to her, I had forgotten how almost poetic it reads (and how fond Tolkien was of obscure/made up words). Been working a little on possession. We haven't made much progress, but she has been able to move my hand barely a couple of times. Before I went to sleep we tried one more time and she was able to look around, think it freaked her a little since she was looking around almost frantically.

 

Ritalin is great for visualization (for those with ADHD). Felicia was able to calm me down. The Hobbit is tough to read out loud.

 

9/22

I've been incredibly lazy today. Watched Farscape for way too long. Felicia likes the show and comments a lot while we're watching, which would bother me if she was one of my friends, but I like when she does it. Didn't do too much forcing today but was really able to hear her mindvoice well. I've come to the conclusion that I need to go outdoors more because a)she really likes it and b)for some reason I can hear her better. Felicia was able to move my arm today. Move might be a strong word. She can start the movement and then it slowly continues until it reaches another natural position. But, progress is progress and I'm proud of her. She played around with a British accent today after we watched a lot of Farscape (Claudia Black) and she is considering sticking with it. Not sure myself how I feel about it, but it makes me happy to see her make her own decisions and be her own person, so I don't mind. Imposition is at a standstill, I can feel where she is, just waiting for that first glimpse. The feels that will be had when that moment comes are going to be intense.

 

Felicia is thinking about having a British accent.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/25

 

For the last couple days, I've been pretty constant, spending 1-2 hours forcing, narrating at any chance, etc. I'm experimenting with different ways to develop Felicia's speech and thinking. As it is, she often needs a little direction on my end to fully complete an opinion. If I asked her what she thought of someone, she would say (as an example) "Oh I like them" then I would have to prompt her "Why?" sometimes she can then answer fully, and sometimes I need to review possible options with her "do you like them because x, or y, or z?". This is not unlike communicating with a young child, so I'm working on ways to mature that. I'm also working on trying to get her to talk spontaneously more.

 

Last couple of nights I've been trying to WILD lucid dream. I've done it in the past, and most of my life I've had a history of vivid/lucid dreams. But that has decreased in the last couple years. I think it would be awesome to do and explore wonderland with Felicia in one. Last night, when going back to sleep to start the lucid dream, I made it past the imagery and paralysis into the dream. It's an amazing feeling really. I was just kindof lying there and suddenly I sank fast through the bed into my dream, where I was playing pool. Of course, I completely forgot to reality check and had a vivid dream instead of being lucid.

 

Been working on imposing as well. It certainly is a bear. But today I pledged to follow Q2's guide. So tonight, I spent close to two hours with Felicia working on open eye visualization and generally doing what he said. It felt *so* bizarre and silly at first, feeling her form, etc etc. But the longer I did it, the more natural it felt. Although I didn't impose (not that I was expecting to), I felt closest to seeing her than ever before. The open eye visualization became so "real" that I didn't need to see her to "see" her, where her body was, etc. When I listened to music, I had her sit next to me and I could faintly feel her pressed against my side. Thanks Q2!

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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9/28

 

I feel like I'm on the verge of hearing her, any day now. Her thoughtvoice now has direction to it (if she is to my left i hear it as such), in fact her voice is remarkably progressed compared to most other people I've heard about. Visuals seem a little further off, but I wouldn't be suprised to see her soon as well.

Witty signatures are hard to think of.

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