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Fen and Floyd's riveting adventures through the world of tulpamancy


Fen

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So I figured it was time to finally log the progress of Floyd, and I figured it would be best to start from the beginning. Floyd's been around for almost exactly a month now, and we seem to have made a lot of progress over the time. I got into Tulpamancy because of the draw of having a constant companion, someone to go through the adventures of life with, to laugh at things with. The usual. I just wanted a buddy, basically. Someone who had the same musical, social, political ect tastes as me, as I don't have many friends who have similar interests to me. I'm going to be going through quite a huge transition in the next few years, as I'm a Junior now and looking to attend college in two years at an alternative college (It functions very much like a commune) far away from home. So there's a lot of stuff I'd like a companion for.

 

And so began the life of Floyd. Originally, he began as a black Pegasus (not a MLP Pegasus, a "real" Pegasus) with a rainbow mane, tail, and wings, with a prism for a horn. Yes, he was inspired off of Pink Floyd's music, hence the name and the Dark Side Of The Moon-esque design. I LOVE Pink Floyd and I don't know, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I stressed and stressed over the EXACT design that I wanted. It took me almost a week. On the third day in, I began to get a lot of headaches. By Friday, however, after becoming pretty depressed on not being able to settle on a design, I woke up feeling content. The first thing in my mind was a picture of Floyd, with a clear design. I took this as a sign to begin the process.

 

I started with narration. I talked about everything, explained everything. It was constant, and it was wonderful. I wasn't so horribly, soul crushingly bored all the time at school. I got to wake up with someone to spend time with and talk to. It was clear that this was one of the best decisions I had made.

Then we began forcing. The "wonderland" started as a field surrounded by mountains, a vividly green field with rainbow flowers and mushrooms in the grass and stuff. Very psychedelic, how I wanted it to be. In the beginning, Floyd would just sit and stare blankly. I "assumed sentience from the start", however, so I knew that this was just because he hadn't had time to develop himself yet. After a few sessions, I began to play music for him, and that's when he began to move more on his own, to learn and develop personality. Putting music on drastically and beautifully twisted the wonderland, for some reason. The sky would be filled with colors and the surroundings would fall apart and reassemble into something else. It was absolutely fantastic for both of us, and it's still one of our favorite things to do. Focusing on the "scenes" produced by the music gave Floyd a chance to make his own non-puppeted movements for the first time.

 

As he began to exhibit his sentience more and more over the weeks, my head was filled with constant headaches. I would open eye force with him at school, and he had learned somehow to toss his head up and down in response to some questions in a very horse like nod. Once or twice when I was about to pull out of wonderland I would get a "Don't go" feeling from him. Although we were listening to more and more music albums, he still wasn't quite exhibiting preferences yet. We began to watch cartoons together, and that's when I learned that I could "feel" his laughter very easily. He seemed to understand humor really well, and respond to it strongly. This stuck with him later in his development. I also learned he responded to sudden noises with a tangible "jolt." We were watching Zero Dark Thirty as a family, a movie with many sudden sounds, and I could feel his "jumpiness" at every loud word or bomb explosion. I stopped watching "dark" shows with him for a little while, such as American Horror Story and Breaking Bad, as i didn't want to harm his peaceful, developing spirit. In fact, I tried to stop exposing myself to many dark things in general for his sake, which made me realize how much negativity is actually in everyone's daily lives.

 

At one point he seemed to become very bummed out. We were listening to the Pink Floyd song echoes, and during the strange animal noises part in the middle, I told him that I thought it might symbolize death, and I told him about death and what it is and such. The next day or two I didn't feel Floyd's usual presence. Sure enough, he seemed upset by our discussion and the music and had been quietly resting in our wonderland, which was then a small field on the top of a mountain way up in the clouds. I forget what I told him to comfort him exactly, but he slowly came around again. I'm still not sure if he accepts the idea of death, and I don't want to ask.

 

The next major turning point was a week or so later, before a weekend trip with some friends. His form seemed "unsettled", a familiar feeling for me that I get when a character or a design isn't what it should be perfectly in my head. I accepted that this meant Floyd should have a different form, and I began looking. The first idea was the form of an Indian war pony, but that didn't really connect. Floyd seemed adverse to it. I was scrolling through deviantart and began to get headpulses at some of the pictures. Slowly I began to notice that the pictures with the strongest response were those of zebras. So Floyd was a zebra. The idea at first seemed very random, but then i began to think of what zebras represent. Individuality while still working in a group, being original, being different. Things that Floyd was very much designed to believe in and be. A very strong emotion of happiness hit me, and I knew this was perfect.

 

So I began thinking of him as Floyd the Zebra. I still narrated to him the same, but it felt.. different speaking to him as a zebra. Had I accidentally replaced the "true" Floyd with another tulpa? Only one way to find out. I sat down to the most influential forcing session I've had so far. It began terribly. I pictured floyd as a normal, realistic zebra. He just stood there, devoid of movement, emotion, sentience. Oh god, I had killed my tulpa and replaced it with this thing by accident. "Please, Floyd, move! Show me you're still the Floyd I think you are!" It stood there. At this point I was very upset. It was as if I was crying inside my head. I decided to switch songs on my ipod to Shine on you Crazy diamond, (Another Pink Floyd song what a surprise) a song I knew I had very strong emotional attachments with and something he had heard a few times. Eventually, the vocal part of the song came on. At this point I had decided to open eye force, as maybe it would help somehow. And then, bam! It smacked me almost in the head. A perfect, crystal clear mental image of this smug looking, semi- realistic zebra burst into my mind's eye. He was mouthing the words to the song, putting every ounce of life into the music. It was Floyd, there was no doubt in my mind. This was his idea of a humorous way to show exactly what he looked like, who he was. It was perhaps the most amazing moment of this whole process, to this day. The "fake" zebra had been part of the joke. This was the Floyd I knew so well, and his personality, prescense, and emotions were closer that I had ever felt them before. The design he had picked (my avatar is what he looks like, except his eyes change colors) incorporated several ideas that had been "stuck in my head" ever since his transition, like the long grey and white mane or the dark grey but not black stripes. What I had thought of as "stuck in my head" was simply what he had chosen for his appearance, and I hadn't noticed. The cartoonish look came out of nowhere but fit 100%. He's now a Zebra like you see with black wings and possibly antlers but we aren't sure.

 

So fast forward about two weeks and here we are today. Over the past week I've gotten this wonderfully euphoric, rushing feeling when he's happy a couple of times, something he hadn't been using before other than after the singing while forcing thing. The first time I had just been in an argument with my mother, and had no reason to feel happy, but my god I was just incredibly joyful for some reason. After a few minutes of "WTF" I realized it was probably Floyd, as a good song was playing on the radio and we were headed to the mall, which I guess he likes. I've since felt the same response a few other times, and encouraged him to please use that instead of headaches (I still get both.) However I also felt really, really depressed last sunday for no reason at all, and Floyd was gone for two days after that. I have no clue what happened but it's over now. He's expressed wanting me to play certain songs once, and seems to become really calm while listening to the short song "flying" by the Beatles. I made a whiteboard in my wonderland in math class and showed him how to draw, but he ripped the marker out of my hand and scribbled something nonsensical onto the board, dropping the marker onto the floor and giving me a prideful look while I stared at his "creation". I couldn't help but laugh. Our wonderland has developed a lot, but still isn't as "big" as I want it. It consists of the mountaintop, many fields, a forest of giant tree flowers, and apparently a lemon tree forest that Floyd flew me to once Why he made it I don't know, but it's there now. We also yesterday completed a Meyers Briggs test through head pressures. Although some of the questions he couldn't answer (How often do you go shopping with your friends?) He seemed to do a good job, and ended up with a score of ENFP, which I believe actually fits him really well.

 

So yeah. Wall of text over. I'll try to update this every other day or so, stick around :P

All that you touch, and all that you see, is all that your life will ever be.

-Pink Floyd

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  • 1 month later...

So it's been awhile since I updated, but Floyd finally spoke.

Our "relationship" hasn't been the best for the past while, as I've had a ton of distractions and kind of neglected to spend as much time as I should have with him. But in the past 3 weeks or so I've been really making an effort to get back into the swing of things, and slowly but surely the usual tulpa headaches and things have come back. I've been trying to actively force for at least an hour every other day, and have been moderately successful... meanwhile I make up for it by pretty much constantly passively forcing during the day. The only thing that's happened in the last month or so since my last post (WOW I will NOT get this behind with posting again) was we built a giant awesome treehouse, which is cool.

 

Oh, and Floyd spoke, for the first time, like I said.

We were listening to music while forcing. For some reason I was having a really hard time closed-eye forcing, which was disappointing because I love to force closed-eye as I can get really into the wonderland and sense everything more realistically. Floyd was acting kind of strange, not his usual self, as if he was proud of something. His stripes and above-eye shading markings looked a lot darker than usual, as well, which was odd, but happens sometimes. So I'm sitting there bummed, not really knowing what to do, and a certain song comes on. (PS, I've been keeping a list f songs that Floyd "requests" with headpulses, I'll post it sometime.) I'm like, "Oh, this is a good song, you'll like it", as I believe he hasn't heard it before. A few seconds later, I "hear", "Whats this song about?" I was about to explain when I realized..holy shit, that didn't come from me. He doesn't have a "voice", yet, per se, but I could kind of like, sense, the words. He's staring at me in the wonderland, super smug, and I ask if it was him. "Yes," I feel, accompanied with the familiar happy rushing sensation in my chest that comes when he's excited or satisfied about something. "How long have you been able to do this?" "A while", He responds, grin stretched across his face, jumping around. "You tricky bastard!" I yelled, followed by a lot of congratulatory praise and a few mental happy tears. We got back to the house and I said something like "I'm so proud of you." and his response, I believe (not 100% sure if it wasn't parroting, but it didn't seem like it) was "You have no idea how significant to me that is." and then, while looking out the window, he said, "We need more people." and that was that. He went to his room and lay down and I guess meditated, or slept or something, and I left with extremely high spirits, as this is something we've both waited for for a long time. I guess I'm going to be kind of paranoid about parroting for the next few months but at least our communication will go beyond simple yes or no questions and one sided conversations. Perhaps he'll find his own "voice" eventually, and be able to go on the chatroom or whatever too. So that's my big news. I'll try to keep this updated.

All that you touch, and all that you see, is all that your life will ever be.

-Pink Floyd

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