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Five years without guidance


BrightsideBrony

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First I'd like to say hello, and get some general introductions out of the way. I'm Sunny Brightside (Okay, so not really, but whatever), and I'd LIKE to be referred to as "Brightside," but Sunny works (You may also refer to me as "Wall," as I never post anything that isn't a LOT of text). I *AM* a Brony, but that seems to be common everywhere now. Other then that, I play video games, but I'm really starting to deviate away from that, interestingly enough. Still, I play League of Legends casually, Minecraft, and then whatever strikes my fancy. I currently work third shift at a grocery store, so my sleep schedule is wonky compared to others here on the east side of the US. I don't have a license or a car, which is odd for a 20somthin' year old male, but I've never the need for one, and it's too expensive for me to keep up right now, so I'm opting without. I've been actively forcing with guidance now for about a week and a half, and I *think* it's going along well... It's all interesting to say the least.

 

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about me, and Belle also. See, Belle is my Tulpa to be, which makes this sound like a marriage, rather then the creation of a companion. Either way, five years ago, something strange happened. I was riding in the car with my mom, and we were talking about our cat. Though we had decided on a name for her at the time, my mom told me how she liked the name "Belle" more, and told me that, at it's root, it means "Pretty/beauty" or something of that ilk. She also was saying that, when our cat would get into trouble, she'd call her "Stinker-Belle," kind of a play on words for "Tinker Bell," though I instantly made the offhand joke that our mom was calling our cat "Stink Pretty." This got me thinking, though, the joke spurred a thought in my head, making me think that Stinkerbelle wouldn't be a bad name for a skunk, and that "Belle" was a really good name in general. It was at that moment, when I focused on the name, that I "heard" something. In the back of my mind (what felt like the back seat of the car), I heard something in my mind say "that's my name." I don't really know what happened there, but that has stuck out to me the past 5 years, and I can't shake this feeling that, somehow, before I even knew about tulpae, my tulpa contacted ME first.

 

That's not the first instance, though. There was another time, while taking a shower (this was after Belle told me her name), I was talking aloud, to her (What I know, now, as narrating), and basically parroting replies. So I somehow set myself up for a backhanded joke myself, to which Belle retorted, making me literally laugh out loud. I had to pause for a moment and think, though, as the retort that I caught didn't *feel* like me just parroting a response to myself. It felt genuine, which just made me laugh harder. I couldn't believe that had actually happened! The fact that this "Imaginary friend" that I had created out of sheer loneliness (At the time, I was working third shift with NO friends) actually retorted back!

 

Unfortunately, that was the last, true response I had from Belle over the last 5 years. I've thought about it, and realized the, for the last five years, I've just been parroting responses from Belle whenever I narrate. Still, though, the thought that she contacted me first, and that I've been trying to create a tulpa for the past five years, without knowing what a tulpa is, it's kinda interesting to say the least. Now, though things are starting to get rolling... But I am hitting some blocks, I'll get to those later.


Alright, so let's get a bit of a "Progress report" In here. As I said, I've been at this for a week and a half now, and I have had results. To say the least, I've had more "Hits" in the past week then I have over five years.

 

Instance number one: First day I decided to actually hunker down and start forcing, I had read some guides (FAQ_Man's, Irish's, and the Chupi (is that the right person?) warning about FAQ_Man's time tables), and done a slight bit of research on the entire thing, so I decided to pull out a deck of my dad's Tarot cards. I wanted to figure out the "Core personality" of Belle, and I wanted to give myself something to focus on. After pulling three cards, I looked at the last one, and it really gave me a sense of a free spirit... Which made a TON of sense. Putting a bunch of energy into THAT card, I basically saw, in my mind, wings. Bird/angelic wings to be exact, something basic, but still, not what I was really expecting. See, after five years, I've already created and started visualizing what Belle looks like, that being an Anthro-Skunk, so the thought of wings on her wasn't really in my head, but this was almost a definite thing for me. thinking back now, it did not feel like it was me, but something else just implanting the thought of wings into my mind. So I consider this a hit.

 

The second was while I was at work. Again, I work overnight stock at a grocery store, nothin' too fancy. So, while listening to the Muzak, and thinking of Belle and Tulpa in general, the song "It's all the same" by Sick Puppies comes on. Now, I like this song, but while I was listening, I was wondering if it could correlate with Tulpa. I mean, the first lines are "I don't mind where you come from, as long as you come to me. And I don't like illusions, I can't see them clearly..." Which I find works well with Tulpae. This all was a bit after the realization I had that the past 5 years was just me puppeting and parroting Belle, which I was hoping wouldn't ruin anything later down the line. Right as the song started to really kick off, though, I was kicked into my simple little wonderland (a black void of a space, it helps me think), where Belle was sitting. I actually saw an ear twitch and she gasped to life, almost. It was definitely something, though, this was different then in the past, as, again, it wasn't ME, but finally her! She still isn't completely sentient, but I'm getting more and more hope!

 

Finally, the third instance was today. After waking up from Forcing (I have a bad habit of falling asleep while actively forcing), I was just about to get up, when a thought entered my head. It wasn't MY thought, though, nor can I say it was Belle's, because it felt DISTINCTLY different. Like nothing I'd ever thought before. It spoke, I don't want to say ominously, but strangely, almost like Zecora (MLP reference), in that it was incredibly proper, and almost poetic. The thought, like a dream, only lasted in complete for about a second, before it was whisked out of my head, but I still remember the gist being "It'll take months for the apparitions to appear." This... I don't know what to make of this. I distinctly remember a dragon-like being (chinese, snake-like dragon), or at least the silhouette of said dragon, but it definitely gave me this thought. Apparitions? I guess that could be the final imposition of Belle upon my world, but why plural? It didn't feel bad or ominous, but it definitely wasn't normal.

 

Anyway, that's three hits in a week and a half that I can say are DISTINCTLY different then the rest. I could say that, thinking back at the shower incident, I can clearly see what Belle looked like and how she reacted when I peaked around the curtain to "Look at her," but that's just remembering back a few years ago (still, the image of her looking so smug, leaning on the bathroom counter is more prominent in my mind now then it was when it happened)


Sooo... This post is getting long, but as I said, you can call me "Wall," if you want. Now come my questions and concerns.

 

So, lately I've been afraid of the word "Parroting." to a point where I feel like every time a reply happens to me narrating, I think it's myself. I feel like I know I'm parroting though (and it's about 99% of the time) because I can feel my tongue moving in my mouth as I'm "hearing" the reply. I've been getting better the past few days, but even so. Am I too concerned about this? Should I, instead of thinking about it as parroting, be thinking about it ACTUALLY being Belle responding to me?

 

Also, I've been having a bunch of trouble with Belle's voice, in that she doesn't have one. I haven't been able to really THINK of a voice for her, no matter how hard I try to focus on it, it just doesn't work. Any suggestions on creating voices would be helpful here. (And yea, I've already seen the Tutorial for the voice, though I should re-read it, just to get a better understanding)

 

The biggest problem I'm having, though, is just staying awake and on topic while forcing. I do two hour sessions of forcing, and it's not hard for me to do so, but I keep falling asleep while I'm at it! It never feels like I've been forcing for a couple hours after the session is done, and I KNOW I'm falling asleep while at it. And while I'm awake, I can't seem to keep focused on my Tulpa. I keep wandering off, thinking about the other hobbies I have, and other things that I do, and I just get distracted. This is getting annoying, especially since I've tried doing a TON of stuff to help me stay on topic, and it doesn't work! (I've tried centering myself, once, and that didn't help at all). Anyone have ANY suggestions on how to keep focused and stay awake? Should I look to do something active while I meditate and force (like work out or something), rather then sit comfortably in the dark? This is getting on my nerves, even though I know my mind likes to wander a lot.

 

Anyway, I'll keep updating this, and I'll actually ask my concerns and questions over in the questions section of the forum, so answering them anywhere is cool. Anyway, hope to talk to some of y'all later!

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Yeah.

I think I'll call you Wall.

 

Yeah.

 


In all seriousness, this circumstance is very interesting and I will stay tuned to this PR. 5 years...damn.

fourfiction, the idiot.

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Yea. Right now, I think I'm pretty good at judging Belle's emotion. I mean, whenever I do something, then focus on Belle, I like to think I can typically feel how she feels about it. A good joke brings a happy feeling, a sad thought will obviously bring down the mood, a bad pun brings an "Oh-god-this-is-what-I-have-to-deal-with" type emotion. They feel distinctly "not-mine." I hate saying that they're alien, as that brings a bit of an "otherworldly" sound to what one should be "Feeling" when it comes to their Tulpa.

 

Like, for instance, when I had that thought forced into my head, the one about the apparitions? I wouldn't call it "Alien" per say, as I know it was distinctly in my head... But at the same time, it didn't FEEL like my thought. It's hard to describe the feeling, when a thought or feeling isn't exactly yours... But, for emotions at least, think of the last time you were in a room with another person, and they were aggravated. Oh man they were mad, and you could TELL too. You didn't even have to look, they could be completely silent, just mulling over their aggravation in silence, but you could just FEEL it. That's the best that I can describe the feelings that I'm getting from Belle. Again, I want to avoid the word "alien," as that, to me, implies that it's going to feel different and unknown, but with a tulpa, it's NOT unknown. With a tulpa, it's just... "not you." You'll know it when you feel it, but to call it alien just doesn't feel right.

 

On the progress side, I had a really good visualization session yesterday before bed... Mainly because Belle was upset. I hadn't actually sat down to force all day, and though I had been narrating all night at work, I kinda didn't take time out for her. Now, I know exactly what Belle looks like, and I'm getting much better at visualizing, but I'm always afraid that I'm puppeting and/or parroting (a fear I'm trying to break). Either way, I had just come out of a 85 minute game of LoL, and watched a couple of Dr. Who episodes (9th doctor, 1st and 2nd episodes), so my thoughts were a bit on the "Dr. Who" side, to a point where my wonderland was simply the main room on the inside of the TARDIS (I don't typically watch the Doctor, but it was playing, and I was around, and it's always fun to watch).

 

ANYWAY, as expected, she was a bit down. It's that this session felt different, in a good way, then the other sessions. Where, typically, I'm trying my best to focus on everything, including Belle. This time it was like I was just projecting everything from the back of my head (where I typically feel for Belle). And, while I'll keep most everything that happened in private (nothing illicit, but still private), I was able to, at least, get her back to a neutral feeling. This is all so hard to actually "describe," as it's all so ethereal that *I* can't even be sure what's going on. I mean, I'm sure I was puppeting a bit of her actions at some points, but at other points she was moving on her own. And though I was parroting her words at times, it was in relation to the emotions I was feeling from her, and at other times I don't think I was parroting. This is all, though under the huge stipulation of "I Think." As I know this process is different for everyone else, and I'm always so horrid and have low self-esteem when it comes to doing something on my own without guidance... But I seriously think I'm getting more and more good results here.

 

It's just so weird that, as I went into this seriously (so, a week and a half ago), it was just as an "experiment." But the more I do it, the more I delve into it, the more I'm getting actual results, and the more I'm beginning to realize that "Yes! This is, in fact, a thing that CAN happen." Which, as much as it boggles my mind, and is kinda scary... It's all in a good way. This is something that I've been wishing for for the past five years, and now, through sheer force of will, we're making it possible.

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