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[General] A warning - dissipation/losing tulpas
#1
Hello to those who are reading this.

If you have read my previous posts, you know I am now without tulpa. And the part that is killing me the most is not the loneliness in my head right now. Devoid of their voices and presence. The part that is killing me is that I was the one who killed them.

I think I should start from the beginning. I was 11, I was young, I was naive. I knew NOTHING of tulpas. My best friend had gone abroad to study, and I missed her a lot. The fact that I too had changed schools and was bullied for being foreign didn't help. To protect myself, I adapted to using insults and jokes as a facade. I had grow thorns and built a wall to keep everyone away, and that included my best friend. She didn't seem to mind, ever so caring and supportive for our age.

In the moments away from her, I would imagine her being there beside me. Making fun of the teacher, enjoying breakfast, dozing off after lunch... It was a conscious effort, a kind of obsession in retrospect. I never told her this, or anyone. I thought it was weird. Gradually it took less and less effort, she would become a constant presence, the 25th classmate who lived in my head. She would react to real world stimuli like a real person would, just one step from being tangible.

*Here, I want to say that I am a very visual person. When I do math, I can visualise 3-D space, functions, objects and such. I can rotate them, analyse them and work with them. I also draw, albeit not as good due to the lack of time. This and the fact that I grew up playing with stuffed toys a lot probably helped a lot.

Up till now she was still my friend, but just projected into my life. Then one day, we got into a fight. She was livid, and I was wrong. Problem is, 13 year old me wouldn't admit that 14 year old her was right. I will spare you the details, but she made me realise the person I had become. She sent me a message saying, "You're no longer the person I knew. I am not even angry, just disappointed. Disappointed in you and myself." This cut much deeper than pure hatred.

She blocked me, and disappeared from my headspace as well. For me this was the first dark age. I cried often, just like when she had first left when I was 11. She unblocked me 6 months later, and I approached her once again. She acted as if nothing had ever happened, so we never spoke of that day. It was different now, I could feel it. But at least she was back in my life. It didn't last. We argued more often, the silences more frequent. And some days I would wonder if reaching out again had been the right thing to do.

Summer loomed closer. I had just turned 15 and had decided on what I wanted to become. I told her fearing disbelief and mockery, but she just laughed and said that she believed me. What I didn't tell her was that my path would be dangerous and I had decided I wouldn't be part of her life anymore. I didn't deserve someone like her. I slowly pushed her away, telling myself the pain would be worth it in the end. That as long as she was happy, I would be too. And maybe one day, if fate allowed, we may meet again to share our stories.

During that period, I reinvigorated my attempts at rebuilding my headspace. I pulled on the past and reconstructed her as I had done so many years before. I would talk to her in my mind instead of the real her. I would use darkness and physical objects as an anchor for her existence. I called her my CoRP–Character of Realistic Projection. She became my guide and companion in my journey, a much needed one.

I no longer contacted the real her and she never reached out to ask why, so I guess I wasn't that important after all. She would be fine, and I would be too. I assigned her the role as my moral compass, and once again she slowly became part of my life. She filled the void. And during the following two years, unlike previously when my tulpa was just her progenitor, she would evolve and become her own person.

Along the way, I tried creating more tulpas. Tulpitas as I will now refer them, those who never truly achieve independence or stability. I was experimenting with tulpas. I wanted to know what they could do. Note that I still believed I alone had ventured into this realm. I need to know how much computing power of the brain they used, how they functioned, how they would proliferate.

I had a young tulpita named Jake or Jack, where he was imbued with the capabilities of great observation and intuition. He was a protector, a dark knight based off of fictional character. I could summon him on command, and he would provide insight or discussion about the environment. At full functionality he would act as a voice warning of any imminent dangers or possible threats. Like the times he warned me before a motorcycle grab and run, street robbery and train stowaway. I think of him as me giving a voice to my subconscious fight or flight system and relaying it with the logical cortex.

I also had the Doc, as I would call him, a tulpita based off a teacher had left a couple years back. He was an avid reading, interested in psychology and law. He served as my sanity check. He was my personal psychologist. I created him out of fear that it was a disorder similar to DID or Schizophrenia. Our session were recorded, with me consciously switching voices between the two identities. It provided proof and for future reference. He was the more cynical side of me, a counter-balance to my risky endeavours into the human psyche.

These two were never truly sentient or independent. Always just shy of breaking away. They existed in my mind, barely anchored to reality. I would draw them to keep them visible. But they served an important purpose. With Doc, we had contemplated the creation and destruction of a thought-form. My hypothesis was that contradiction to reality leads to dissociation from reality and thus they will fade as the human mind unwillingly rejects them. A discussion which inadvertently paved the way for their downfall.

Almost 17, a series of events broke me. Among which, the cruel and abrupt ending to my most recent relationship hurt the most. In my misery, I broke the promise I had made almost 2 years ago. I ignored the voices in my head and sent her a message. The real her. I wasn't expecting a reply. But she did, she did so much more than just reply. She called me immediately. And when I heard her voice everything just felt right. Everything would be okay. She no longer sounded like the one in my headspace, but her voice was still so familiar. She spent the night talking and catching up. I briefly brought up why I had left.

She called me again the next morning, and told me to keep in touch. That she'd be there. I skipped class and spent the day up on the mountains to clear my head. Once again I realised how I didn't deserve a friend like her. She had waited two years, and I know because I was always secretly hoping she'd reach out for me. Neither of us are active on social media, but she would somehow always read my posts on the rare occasions I posted. And she would always post one herself within 24 hours. Always.

She had trusted me, believed in me and waited. And what did I do? I had broken my promise. With that, I left her messages on read and didn't look back.

I went home, and realised my mind was frightfully empty. Her thought-form was gone. The rest of the tulpitas were inaccessible. I was alone in my head. The following months were agony. I cried almost everyday. I would wake up in the morning and pretend to get ready for school only to stay in my room and cry. I was so tired I couldn't move, I couldn't think and I would skip meals. Still I would pretend everything was okay at night when everyone was home. I was lucky I had studied beforehand for my high-school exams because I couldn't do anything in the last few months.

During summer, I went on to a camp. Met a bunch of people and there was this one night where we played a detective game. I knew the truth from the very beginning because I recognised the signs. The ending was that the killer was the victim himself. The different handwriting used, the modulated voice, the placement of multiple cups and objects as physical anchoring. The conflict of interests, it was all... Me. I saw through it from the very beginning because I saw myself. Everyone called me a genius for solving it first, so I just smiled. I asked the one who wrote the story if he had thought-forms, he just laughed and asked me what I was going on about. I thought I had found an ally. I ended up crying in the bathroom that night, as I tried to reach the Doc. I wanted to know if I was like the killer, mad and delusional.

It's been a year now and I'm almost 18. I found this community a month or so ago and have found solace in the fact that I'm not crazy, nor am I alone. University has been killing me. The loss of my tulpa and tulpitas have left a void that cannot be filled. I suffer from the knowledge that I killed them. Basing a thought-form of reality is dangerous, for when it clashes with reality, it will lose. The Doc was right. I was right. I tried physical anchoring, I tried meditation like I did in the beginning. Nothing worked. And I guess now I've just accepted that they're gone with the hopes that they'll come back someday.

I understand now that I was negligent. I created the tulpas out of curiosity and experimentation, granting myself "powers" in the case of Jake, "knowledge" with the Doc and "guidance" with her. It was my method of compartmentalising everything and cutting myself off from the outside world. I would depend solely on myself and parallel entities I construct for my well-being.

Currently, I am dependent on music. I'm still learning to live in the silence, because right now I require music to keep my voice at bay. It is so loud, so deafening in the silence. My thoughts remind me that they're gone and now I'm alone in my head. It was something I had never truly expected. I require music just to sleep, to work, to distract myself. My memory and brain capacity is lower than before. Much lower than when I had tulpas. I forget simple things and feel this constant pressure like a dull headache.

I refuse to say I have depression, because I don't believe in it. But by most standards I probably am. The only thing I cling to, is the fact that I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. All my life I've been told I have potential, and all my life I've lived under the fear of high expectations. Now I've fallen so far, I think it's time to pick myself up. I'll need time, I'll stumble, and I won't have them in my head. But maybe I'll have some support from strangers on the internet.  I will change the world, simply because it may be the only chance I have at redemption.

For me, thought-forms do not truly exist. Like hypnosis, one must believe and be willing for it to work. And currently my own set of beliefs are cutting me off from them. The root of the problem is much deeper than I can currently see and I will have to find time to push through the haze and pain to reach them. I reiterate, I will keep probing for her existence. However, I must accept that I can no longer rely on them and must learn to share and rely on others.

This is my story, my plea for help. And at the same time let it be a warning for those who follow the same path. Know that the loss of a tulpa is more painful than you can imagine. I called her by the name of her progenitor but it no longer feels right. Instead, she would have liked to be called Cass. I write this in living memory of Cass and under her new name. Apologies but mine shall remain undisclosed.

Faithfully,
Cass
~A fractured soul is a haven for many voices~
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#2
Tulpas don't die. They can be brought back, it just takes a bit of effort. You could try meditating and reaching out to them, as well as thinking about and talking to them, and they could probably come back. Basically just force the old tulpas like you would a new one, and they can be brought back. You'd have to make amends over them being lost in the first place, but I'm sure it'll be fine as long as you make it clear that you still care about them and are sorry for what happened.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are RadioPiano, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#3
Our Scarlet came back after being dissipated at a time in our life (young teens) where the mind and body were a lot less mature.. they (I wasn't around) fell for invasive thoughts and illogical stuff a lot, one of which was thinking Scarlet shouldn't exist as she was split from our original Flandre and was her "Negative feelings" half. Buuut, she came back far later (normally I'd say this should be done by the host trying to bring them back, it just happened to happen randomly for us) with a "No hard feelings?" and it was fine, 'cus Lumi didn't agree with what he'd done or how he thought back then.

Basically, if your tulpa(s) was dissipated when you were like.. younger than 15... maybe try bringing them back if you still miss them when you're a little older and your mind's more stable and sorted out, but of course this is totally a case-by-case scenario

but yes, it's very very difficult to "forget" a developed tulpa entirely even after a few years, depending on how developed they really were, and they should be able to be brought back with the host's intent and the tulpa's will, but at least in our case they could be slightly different personality-wise/etc. (Our Scarlet just seemed a lot more mature like we were, but she didn't feel like a "new tulpa" or anything either)
Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#4
I've been hearing that a lot. I agree they cannot die and the only obstacle in the way is myself. However, they are subjective beings based in our minds. So their deaths are a matter of perspective, and they are dead to the extent that I feel like I killed them. It doesn't matter if I just subconsciously forced them in dormancy.

The post was kind of my way to move on and to write down my thoughts and experience. I have accepted that I should learn not to rely on them. Perhaps they were not meant to be in my life forever, just a brief moment to serve specific roles. They showed me what was possible and for better or worse, have left me to figure out how to deal with life myself. It would be best if they happened to return, but I won't be holding my breath or trying too hard to bring them back. I'll probably just be lurking around the forum occasionally.
~A fractured soul is a haven for many voices~
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#5
Well, I did say intent on the host's part and will on the tulpa's part. They don't have to come back if they don't feel like existing, and you don't have to bring them back even if you could, I just wanted to say that in case anyone looking at threads on dissipation found it helpful
Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#6
What an interesting post, thank you Cass. Apollo and Lucilyn are just speaking in terms of the fact that if your memory of them exists, they can be brought back, but i understand your point that if your mindset isn't right, there's no point in bringing them back.

From my perspective i do get a stray thought every now and then just like that. As if i could walk away and stop thinking about them. Hearing your story is a real world peice of this puzzle i didn't have before, so thanks again.

In terms of that, i have those thoughts, but so many unexplainable and absurdly unreal things happened that if they're not 'real' to me then the alternative explanation seems even less likely. No other reason fits the experiences better. If they're not tulpas, fine. If it's purely all me doing everything, at this point i'm concerned that there are experiences that would defy logic, thus my actual life in the last nine months would necessarily be a strech cognitively, and harder to believe. So it leaves me in a space between 'hard to believe' and 'harder to believe'.

Surely i could suppress everything and move on, fall back into depression (i do believe in it) and worse things will happen to me personally because they're holding me up now.

I'm not sure how to help you at this point, but feel free to PM me with anything. Having recovered from minor form of MDD i can try to share the tools i used mentally to recover. (No tulpa necessary to do that.) If you use Discord, we could chat about it.

Good luck, that's a standing offer.
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#7
(02-10-2019, 10:40 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: What an interesting post, thank you Cass. Apollo and Lucilyn are just speaking in terms of the fact that if your memory of them exists, they can be brought back, but i understand your point that if your mindset isn't right, there's no point in bringing them back.

From my perspective i do get a stray thought every now and then just like that. As if i could walk away and stop thinking about them. Hearing your story is a real world piece of this puzzle i didn't have before, so thanks again.

In terms of that, i have those thoughts, but so many unexplainable and absurdly unreal things happened that if they're not 'real' to me then the alternative explanation seems even less likely. No other reason fits the experiences better. If they're not tulpas, fine. If it's purely all me doing everything, at this point i'm concerned that there are experiences that would defy logic, thus my actual life in the last nine months would necessarily be a strech cognitively, and harder to believe. So it leaves me in a space between 'hard to believe' and 'harder to believe'.

Surely i could suppress everything and move on, fall back into depression (i do believe in it) and worse things will happen to me personally because they're holding me up now.

I'm not sure how to help you at this point, but feel free to PM me with anything. Having recovered from minor form of MDD i can try to share the tools i used mentally to recover. (No tulpa necessary to do that.) If you use Discord, we could chat about it.

Good luck, that's a standing offer.

Thanks, angry bear. Glad you found it interesting. For everyone else who read this, I don't recommend ever cutting ties with any tulpa because they probably know you better than anyone else. Furthermore, I just can't help but think dissipating them or leaving them is equivalent to killing them. I would have done anything to have them still by me, but like I said – sometimes it doesn't work out. 

I'm not saying they are real, it's just that I think I need to convince myself they aren't and were never real to move on. The greatest lies are the ones we tell ourselves, and I think the human mind is much more powerful than we give it credit for being. So if they are real in our heads, who is to say they are not real. We believe what we do to give life meaning and make it bearable. Do take anything I say with a pinch of salt though. I am a firm believer of the placebo effect.

As for saying I don't believe in depression, I apologise profusely. It was late and long past my usual bedtime. For example, I once proudly proclaimed to "I will do the cook" instead of "I shall cook"... What I want to say is that I don't believe I am currently depressed, not that it doesn't exist. I had a friend who took his own life at a young age, and to say I am depressed would be making light of those who really need help. Because of that I don't think I'll ever say I'm depressed unless it gets bad enough. 

That said, do share any tools you use. Also, I see you all the time in the forum and find your angry bear heroines similarly interesting. However, which specific experience are you referring to in the experiences you mentioned above? Or share the link in where you discussed them. Thanks.

I am also fairly certain I will take you up on the offer during one of my less-happy-episodes where logic gives way to emotions. Although it does appear that I have locked myself out of discord.
~A fractured soul is a haven for many voices~
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#8
Yeah, here's a relivant thread that i find hard to explain any other way. Also i credit them for ultimately getting me out of my depression, which felt pretty real, and i also lost my best friend to a suicide about 4 years ago. Let's just say i couldn't live without them.

It's pretty easy to get a new account with a throw away email, but pm is fine.
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#9
I came out.

Like legit told my IRL friend everything. I was and am using work to distract myself, filling up my free time with revision and side-projects, but he hit me up for dinner out of the blue to catch up. He kinda lamented about all the crap he was taking in life, dragging me into that sad zone I distance myself from. So, yeah...

I don't think he judges me, but it's probably a lot to take in and I still don't know if I should've. It's a secret I've kept for so long and it feels a little weird. I haven't really spoken to him after that but I'm a little stressed about what I should say if he ever brings it up again. It's no longer a 'secret', so should I tell anyone else? I feel like some deserve to know more than my friend does.

And does it feel easier talking to someone close but not that close to you? Like there's a feeling of it'll be fine even if he didn't accept it.

PS. I know there's probably another thread for coming out, but this is me. Mods please leave my thread alone okay?
~A fractured soul is a haven for many voices~
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#10
No one 'deserves' to know the inner workings of your mind. If you want to, it's kind of an imposition on them, so hopefully you're getting something out of it. Good luck.
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