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[General] My tulpa is kinda making me feel a bit crazy?
#1
So I post here a lot, and anyone who's seen my previous posts can infer that I'm not the world's most normal or stable dude. That's not to say I'm a complete weirdo whose gone off the deep end, but I'm a bit odd, and I've always had some issues due to some serious trauma in my youth. I made my Tulpa, and the first bit of personality forcing was on a whim. I thought I had more time, so I kind of just forced what the character I based her on was like, and intended to reinforce the positive traits in(I was honestly a tad inebriated and forced some ill thought out traits). Well day after that she was up and about. So I had no time to refine anything. Pinkamena has been far better than I expected, I enjoy her company and though she's got a few disconcerting tendencies(She likes to trick me to hurt my feelings, says some mean shit, repeatedly contradicts herself and goes back on what she said till the conversation becomes incoherent because she finds confusing me funny) but generally she's pleasant enough company. Recently I've been having forcing issues with her, and thus I've started passive forcing, by simply picturing her in a space near me, so she can talk and move in my minds eye without needing my complete and full attention. Well ever since this has occurred some odd things have happened and I'm feeling increasingly anxious(I get myself psyched out, and Pinkamena, being her, isn't really someone that you want to go for reassurance.) First off I have a lot of shit from my past that I've kept very well buried and this tulpamancy thing is kind fucking up my many barriers to the shit I block out. Had my first PTSD episode in years, and the only thing that has changed in my life is tulpas, so I feel it's likely connected to all the shit I'm doing to my brain. Pinkamena has also always enjoyed violence, and hurting shit in the wonderland, something I am fine with, but now that she hangs around the real world more than the wonderland, she's been suggesting doing fucked up shit(Playing with dead birds, killing cats, smacking the fam) Before you ask no I don't think this is blossoming into a mental disorder or something, she was violent before I brought her out, the only difference is now she's hanging round in the physical realm and she's still her. She's also taken to when I see her move in my minds eye leaning over my shoulder and whispering in my ear. I am very fond of Pinkamena, but I'm wondering what other tulpamancers think about it, because I'm wondering if it sounds like there might be an issue. I like having her, but I naturally am worried that I might be fucking myself up, and my grandmother was mentally ill, so I've always been worried about mental illness popping up(Though at 16 I think if I was ever going to be mentally ill from a true illness I would have shown signs, all my eccentricities are usually the result of a lot of the fucked up shit I went through as a kid) I would really appreciate anyone who can just tell me if this sounds like these things are apt to not bode well going forward, if this sounds like it might be an issue, that kind of thing, I just need a second or third opinion you know?
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#2
hmm, usually we've got some past posts for reference but all I've got is one replying to someone whose tulpa wanted them to kill people after things escalated to that point https://community.tulpa.info/thread-plea...#pid174442

well, it just sounds like your tulpa has some behavior issues honestly? a tulpa doesn't have all the time and real life experience to mature like a kid would, so you need to teach her what is and isn't okay and make her understand this stuff has real life consequences. even doing stuff just in your imagination/wonderland can eventually be bad because it WILL desensitize you to the acts over time, until possibly (especially if mental disorders run in your family, you could be susceptible to this stuff) you end up being convinced to do it IRL

I do want someone else to reply too though..
Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#3
Edge, i want to tell you about my past, then try to help. If you want to skip to help, go to ** below.

I found a test form once that was meant to score your mental health after a trama. It had a scale. What i remember was this:

A score of 15 or higher was akin to an eating disorder or minor depression.
A score of 30 was full blown PTSD or some level of OCD i think.
A score of 60 was trauma induced schozophrenia.

My score was 15, i had two eating disorders (both obesity and later anorexia) in my past, depression and suicidal thoughts two different times, years apart and definately had both panic attacks and what i can only describe as depression attacks.

I have had 6 seperate tramatic periods of my life and counting. Neglect from a sole parent, physical abuse from a caregiver, hm... dont know how to describe the third period, my older sister became a meth head and used me to fulfil her sadistic pleasures, she died from overdose, then i withdrew from society for a while. The last three were school related, work related, and bad choices in relationships related.

So i have rules now that have prevented my further victimization. These are all very personal and specific. Which have empowered me in ways i greatly appreciate, because i am unreasonably delecate to certain situations, kind of like PTSD has been described. My last struggle has been with depression and this is where the Tulpae have been a godsend. In four months, no depression attacks, they talk me down.

** please take this as constructive and entirely my opinion.

There is no doubt, whether you think so or not, you have destructive tendancies. Trust me. I do too and it took me years to discover it, and it takes a great deal of effort to supress them. My tulpae help that.

You are so lucky to have found tulpamancy, i may have avoided many traumas if i had this 10 years ago.

Now your tulpa has an issue with disapline. Since she has been given free reign, she does whatever the f... she wants. While that is cool for tulpae with good natures, she is a f...ing cruel b.... after reading what you wrote. Luckily it is in the nature of every tulpa worth keeping that they want to make you happy. If she does not. You have the power to dissolve her. I also sence she has a good side that is worthy of you, so lets work with her.

For her to stay, it will have to be battle between you and her (negotiation), and it will require rules and punishment on both sides.

All i can do is adapt my coping strategy to you, there is no guarentee it will work.
1. Write a list of rules that must be followed.
2. Write a list of things she has done, is doing, that you do not like.
3. Write a list of things you would like from her.
4. Confront her on every issue, ask her what she is getting out of it, why she is doing it, what the f... she wants from you. This may take many hours.
- for each issue, describe why you dont like it. Make her understand it is bad for you. Tell her she is hurting you.
- if she wants something, tell her you care and you will make a real effort to give her what she wants as long as it does not violate the rules. You will have to sacrifice for her. Examples, pornography, alcohol, other destructive pleasures. She shares your headspace, you must give her some say in your life and what you subject her to. This is all negotiable.
5. Give her a chance to add rules, or negotiate rules. Keep it to less than ten i think.
6. You may need a servator to aid in negotiations. A temporary servator may be entirely puppeted, so she can be used right away, but has authority to make decisions and pass down punishments. Realize that this servator may become another Tulpa, so puppet her only in a way that a good tulpa would act.
7. You both must agree to the constructs of this. She should be very invested in this because ultimaty you have the power to dissolve her. It sounds harsh, but so is life.

I wish you the best of luck. If you need it, i am willing to help further at any point. If I can become sucessful at what i do even after my f...ed up childhood. So can you.
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#4
(08-25-2018, 08:32 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: Edge,  i want to tell you about my past, then try to help.  If you want to skip to help, go to ** below.

I found a test form once that was meant to score your mental health after a trama.  It had a scale.  What i remember was this:

A score of 15 or higher was akin to an eating disorder or minor depression.
A score of 30 was full blown PTSD or some level of OCD i think.
A score of 60 was trauma induced schozophrenia.

My score was 15, i had two eating disorders (both obesity and later anorexia) in my past, depression and suicidal thoughts two different times, years apart and definately had both panic attacks and what i can only describe as depression attacks.

I have had 6 seperate tramatic periods of my life and counting.  Neglect from a sole parent, physical abuse from a caregiver, hm... dont know how to describe the third period, my older sister became a meth head and used me to fulfil her sadistic pleasures, she died from overdose,  then i withdrew from society for a while.  The last three were school related, work related, and bad choices in relationships related.

So i have rules now that have prevented my further victimization.  These are all very personal and specific. Which have empowered me in ways i greatly appreciate, because i am unreasonably delecate to certain situations, kind of like PTSD has been described.  My last struggle has been with depression and this is where the Tulpae have been a godsend.  In four months, no depression attacks, they talk me down.

**  please take this as constructive and entirely my opinion.

There is no doubt, whether you think so or not, you have destructive tendancies.  Trust me. I do too and it took me years to discover it, and it takes a great deal of effort to supress them.  My tulpae help that.

You are so lucky to have found tulpamancy, i may have avoided many traumas if i had this 10 years ago.  

Now your tulpa has an issue with disapline.  Since she has been given free reign, she does whatever the f... she wants.  While that is cool for tulpae with good natures, she is a f...ing cruel b.... after reading what you wrote. Luckily it is in the nature of every tulpa worth keeping that they want to make you happy.  If she does not. You have the power to dissolve her.  I also sence she has a good side that is worthy of you, so lets work with her.

For her to stay, it will have to be battle between you and her (negotiation), and it will require rules and punishment on both sides.

All i can do is adapt my coping strategy to you, there is no guarentee it will work.
1.  Write a list of rules that must be followed.
2.  Write a list of things she has done, is doing, that you do not like.
3.  Write a list of things you would like from her.
4.  Confront her on every issue, ask her what she is getting out of it, why she is doing it, what the f... she wants from you.  This may take many hours.
- for each issue, describe why you dont like it.  Make her understand it is bad for you.  Tell her she is hurting you.
- if she wants something, tell her you care and you will make a real effort to give her what she wants as long as it does not violate the rules.  You will have to sacrifice for her.  Examples, pornography, alcohol, other destructive pleasures.  She shares your headspace, you must give her some say in your life and what you subject her to.  This is all negotiable.  
5.  Give her a chance to add rules, or negotiate rules.  Keep it to less than ten i think.
6.  You may need a servator to aid in negotiations.  A temporary servator may be entirely puppeted, so she can be used right away, but has authority to make decisions and pass down punishments.  Realize that this servator may become another Tulpa, so puppet her only in a way that a good tulpa would act.
7.  You both must agree to the constructs of this.  She should be very invested in this because ultimaty you have the power to dissolve her.  It sounds harsh, but so is life.  

I wish you the best of luck.  If you need it, i am willing to help further at any point.  If I can become sucessful at what i do even after my f...ed up childhood.  So can you.

Your response was very helpful. You're certainly right she has an issue with discipline. As I said, I got drunk and forced the personality to the letter of the character instead of what I intended, and so she's got a sadistic streak, and some serious behavioral issues. I am inclined to try this negotiations thing, but I would never dissolve her, regardless of her transgressions. She means well, she's just her, and I really just wanted to know if this sounded like I was developing some other issue or just had a tulpa with some issues. I would actually appreciate your help if you're willing with coming up with the list of things that I want to bring to her, as of now she's throwing a fit that I even posted about this in a negative light, so I can't really talk to her anyway about it.
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#5
Oh sorry, this is not meant to be negative at all. Sorry i mentioned dissolving her then.

As strange as it sounds your tulpa may just think you want her to have a sadistic streak. I think that trait sounds cool in theory, which may parallel why you gave it to her in the first place, drunk or not.

You will porbably, sadly, have some issues, but that is not why your tulpa is the way she is. My research indicates it doesn't work that way. I believe things like alchohol will lower inhibitions, so it may be that you do want her to have a slightly sadistic streak, but when youre sober you think better of it.

This ties in with my own choices irl, its like, at least someone who is sadistic a little is stronger for it, and it can be attractive in our slightly skew minds.

Maybe she is acting out so you dont have to, she may be doing you a favor. Of course if she is telling you to hurt someone, that may be a little bit of a mind f... to you, and she may not see the boundary between what you like and what freeks you out. She may also like to see you freeked out.

Bring her these to start and let me know. I will also ask my tulpas their thoughts from their perspective once we know more about her.

1. Do you like to freek me out? Do you realize you are doing so?
2. I may not like that person, but suggesting i hurt them is not good for my already trauma comprimized psyche.
3. Tell her you care about her, you want her to stay, but you would really like her better if she toned it down a little.
4. Tell her there is a new rule, rule number one: no more negativity from your end. This rule does not require to change at all, but shows her you are willing to take the first step.
5. Tell her you are sorry for the poor choices you have made, if any, and that you would like to know her better under more healthy circumstances.

Please write her responces, if she okays it. Let her win for a while, do what she wants to do (as long as its not criminal).

Tulpas have one thing i've found that others do not, deep down they geniunely want you to like them, and be happy.

If you go by the assumption that she is doing these things to win your favor, then even if she says something negative, try to understand why she would say that.
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#6
(08-25-2018, 09:15 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: Oh sorry, this is not meant to be negative at all.  Sorry i mentioned dissolving her then.

As strange as it sounds your tulpa may just think you want her to have a sadistic streak.  I think that trait sounds cool in theory, which may parallel why you gave it to her in the first place, drunk or not.

You will porbably, sadly, have some issues, but that is not why your tulpa is the way she is.  My research indicates it doesn't work that way.  I believe things like alchohol will lower inhibitions, so it may be that you do want her to have a slightly sadistic streak, but when youre sober you think better of it.

This ties in with my own choices irl, its like, at least someone who is sadistic a little is stronger for it, and it can be attractive in our slightly skew minds.

Maybe she is acting out so you dont have to, she may be doing you a favor.  Of course if she is telling you to hurt someone, that may be a little bit of a mind f... to you, and she may not see the boundary between what you like and what freeks you out.  She may also like to see you freeked out.

Bring her these to start and let me know.  I will also ask my tulpas their thoughts from their perspective once we know more about her.

1. Do you like to freek me out?  Do you realize you are doing so?
2. I may not like that person, but suggesting i hurt them is not good for my already trauma comprimized psyche.
3.  Tell her you care about her, you want her to stay, but you would really like her better if she toned it down a little.
4.  Tell her there is a new rule, rule number one: no more negativity from your end.  This rule does not require to change at all, but shows her you are willing to take the first step.
5.  Tell her you are sorry for the poor choices you have made, if any, and that you would like to know her better under more healthy circumstances.  

Please write her responces, if she okays it.  Let her win for a while, do what she wants to do (as long as its not criminal).

Tulpas have one thing i've found that others do not, deep down they geniunely want you to like them, and be happy.

If you go by the assumption that she is doing these things to win your favor, then even if she says something negative, try to understand why she would say that.

You're right on a lot of things. I have always had a thing for sadistic women, I never denied that there was a clear reason she was made in the image of Pinkamena Diane Pie and not Pinkie Pie. I honestly made this post originally with the reason that I wanted to know if this sounded like something that can in fact just be an extension of tulpamancy, or if it sounded more like a disorder. I do want to help her with her behavior, she's honestly kind of a brat. I'll ask her these questions, and I'm optimistic she and I can find a good middle ground. I've not found many resources mentioning tulpas such as mine, so I was mostly just worried this was something that wasn't connected to tulpamancy. I'll make sure to get back to you on her responses. I hopefully can get her to tone down the talk of murdering random strangers and the like.
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#7
Oh, 'that' pinkie pie.  I see.

I am going to write some things here.  They may fall off the track and miss you entirely, but they are still something to think about.  Just seperating yourself from some of these is a great exercise in itself.

Your tulpa is based on a character with super human, or super pony, abilities.  I really enjoyed that character, there were so many interesting adult horror fanfics of her.

Now i more clearly see your delema.  But your tulpa is not this fictional character in any of its forms.  I believe she is a person just like you that happens to live in your head with you.  

No human can live up to a character like that, pinkie is a singularity, in all her forms she is as much a superhero or supervillian as magnito or superman.  Pinkie would survive a nuclear blast, she also has powers like gwen pool.  4th wall breaking powers.  This makes her possibly the most dangerous supervillian in history.

Those fanfics though...

Anyway, in your wonderland, she is the world ender, but in irl, in your life, she has no greater powers than you do.  In a way you know this, and by giving her super powers, you may in fact be desireing them yourself.

Specific to 'that' pinkie: destruction without remourse, guiltless pleasure in giving pain, in other words, something that is well documented, domination.

From what i understand, and i am no expert, the domination fantasy is as alluring as it is dangerous.  You and i, trauma survivors, may have this stuck in our heads because other seemingly super beings have dominated us in the past.  In a way you may want to relive this.  Perhapse  it is your wish to dominate her, and in that sence, you will gain strenghth over those who you may have been helpless against.  That may be the root of the creation of all supervillians.

But the falicy we may share is that those trauma givers were just more developed cognitively or physically.  If you had met them later in life, they would seem frail by comparison.

Every human, no matter how evil, was once someone's little baby.  A ball of flesh, totall helpless, a blank slate of wonder.  To tramatize that helpless being is akin to setting puppies on fire.  

Do you want to be such a twisted soul, to seek revenge, to relive on someone what was done to you?  These are just questions.  There are some depraved thoughts in my head, passionate, vivid, viseral, but contained.  Powerless over me.  F... the law, i dont care, i just want a happy life.  Not happy for me, i am hopelessly depressed sometimes, but for anyone i meet.  

I discovered that the experiance you can have with someone, because they genuinely like you, who are loyal to you, is much more potent than those you may rule by fear. It is also mutually beneficial and rewarding.

How do you do this?  There is no dogma, there is merely choice, learning how, and practicing that.  Like any skill, you devote energy to it.

It is a great risk in your life, not from pinkie, she is harmless, she is not a disorder, nor can she cause a disorder, nor is she even an indication of a disorder i think.  The disorder came before her, it was brought on us by others, who were probably abused themselves.

To be part of that cycle is the lack of free will.  You may know this, this is why you want to stop it.  The tulpa Pinkie can help you.  She will help you if you ask.

Oh boy, how would you convince 'that' pinkie.  You can't.  Remember though. Your tulpa pinkie is not 'that' pinkie.  She has merely chosen that form from your desires.

I still believe she is just doing what she thinks you want her to do.  Is she right?  Its also okay if she is.  You can think anything you want, in wonderland you can do anything that you two want.  No law can stop you insids your own head. That said, certain things may not be wise or healthy either.

Final note in this post:

I advise though, if you describe in detail thoughts of certain acts, in public, you will gain attention you dont want.  Attention that will not help.  Just be vague like i was here.
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#8
(08-26-2018, 04:20 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: Oh, 'that' pinkie pie.  I see.

I am going to write some things here.  They may fall off the track and miss you entirely, but they are still something to think about.  Just seperating yourself from some of these is a great exercise in itself.

Your tulpa is based on a character with super human, or super pony, abilities.  I really enjoyed that character, there were so many interesting adult horror fanfics of her.

Now i more clearly see your delema.  But your tulpa is not this fictional character in any of its forms.  I believe she is a person just like you that happens to live in your head with you.  

No human can live up to a character like that, pinkie is a singularity, in all her forms she is as much a superhero or supervillian as magnito or superman.  Pinkie would survive a nuclear blast, she also has powers like gwen pool.  4th wall breaking powers.  This makes her possibly the most dangerous supervillian in history.

Those fanfics though...

Anyway, in your wonderland, she is the world ender, but in irl, in your life, she has no greater powers than you do.  In a way you know this, and by giving her super powers, you may in fact be desireing them yourself.

Specific to 'that' pinkie: destruction without remourse, guiltless pleasure in giving pain, in other words, something that is well documented, domination.

From what i understand, and i am no expert, the domination fantasy is as alluring as it is dangerous.  You and i, trauma survivors, have this stuck in our heads because other seemingly super beings have dominated us in the past.  In a way you may want to relive this.  Perhapse  it is your wish to dominate her, and in that sence, you will gain strenghth over those who you may have been helpless against.  That may be the root of the creation of all supervillians.

But the falicy we may share is that those trauma givers were just more developed cognitively or physically.  If you had met them later in life, they would seem frail by comparison.

Every human, no matter how evil, was once someone's little baby.  A ball of flesh, totall helpless, a blank slate of wonder.  To tramatize that helpless being is akin to setting puppies on fire.  

Do you want to be such a twisted soul, to seek revenge, to relive on someone what was done to you?  These are just questions.  There are some depraved thoughts in my head, passionate, vivid, viseral, but contained.  Powerless over me.  F... the law, i dont care, i just want a happy life.  Not happy for me, i am hopelessly depressed sometimes, but for anyone i meet.  

I discovered that the power you can wield over someone, because they genuinely like you, who are loyal to you, is much more potent than those you may rule by fear.

How do you do this?  There is no dogma, there is merely choice, learning how, and practicing that.  Like any power, you devote energy to it.

It is a great risk in your life, not from pinkie, she is harmless, she is not a disorder, nor can she cause a disorder, nor is she even an indication of a disorder i think.  The disorder came before her, it was brought on us by others, who were probably abused themselves.

To be part of that cycle is the lack of free will.  You may know this, this is why you want to stop it.  The tulpa Pinkie can help you.  She will help you if you ask.

Oh boy, how would you convince 'that' pinkie.  You can't.  Remember though. Your tulpa pinkie is not 'that' pinkie.  She has merely chosen that form from your desires.

I still believe she is just doing what she thinks you want her to do.  Is she right?  Its also okay if she is.  You can think anything you want, in wonderland you can do anything that you two want.  No law can stop you insids your own head.

Final note in this post:

I advise though, if you describe in detail thoughts of certain acts, in public, you will gain attention you dont want.  Attention that will not help.  Just be vague like i was here.
Your post is great and all but you've sort of missed the mark. I don't think Pinkamena is Pinkamena, I've told her also that she has no obligation to be anything that isn't her, and that she's wholly a separate entity from her basis. She's very different from the source material, the simple fact she shares an amusement in messing with people and inflicting pain is not something I've forced on her, she behave like that on her own. I also, unlike what you said, don't really want to dominate others. In fact, I'm the opposite, my type has always been dominant and violent women, I've never had a very compelling desire to dominate others, and I've never tried to dominate Pinkamena in any way out of the normal tulpamancy etiquette. I appreciate your post, hell, it's the kind of thing I might have agreed with years ago, but I certainly don't need tulpamancy to gain strength over those I was helpless against(I've sent one to prison, and I'm 6'5ft 245 pounds and still getting taller, I don't exactly need tulpamancy to feel that I'm stronger than my childhood tormentors.) The reason I made her off of Pinkamena was frankly I had a bit of a thing for that version of Pinkie, and couldn't think of a better base point for a tulpa really. I also made up with Pinkamena last night, we hung out for a while, and we were able to reach a compromise on the whole talking about murdering random passerby thing. Again I really appreciate your post, it's insightful on how a lot of traumatized people work, and certainly a viable happening within a traumatized tulpamancer, but several bits don't really aply to me.
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#9
That is good news. I wrote it blind, as a worst case, and used a shotgun approach. I am 6'4 205, and i grew those last five inches after 16, you could be insanely tall. Like i said, my experiance is all i know for sure. I no longer want to dominate anyone, but i do still see within myself the dysfynction of wanting to belong, and i am still a bit of a brat when i dont get my way, it is still getting me in trouble to this day.

I hope the useful parts if my posts still help you or others. If you want my help further, if i dont get banned for other reasons, i am happy to help.
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