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Remembering My Tulpas


AlexTheDragon

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This is a long and emotional story for me, and one that thinking about today has prevented me from being able to sleep. You have been warned.

 

I am one of those individuals who unintentionally created a tulpa at a very young age without knowing what it was. As a kid in elementary and middle school, I was very awkward and frequently bullied. I wasn't good at talking to people, and I was incredibly shy. Around 5th-6th grade, I began to notice what I could only describe as a "force" inside me attempting to guide my actions and thoughts. Every time I was in trouble, whether it was being called on in class, or facing the bullies, it was like I had an invisible hand on my shoulder helping me figure out what to do. By the end of 6th grade, I was very much aware of this force, and I found great comfort in relaxing and falling into its protective embrace.

 

By time 7th grade started, the invisible hand on my shoulder evolved into whisperings in my ears. It didn't come around often, but I was still able to hear it... no, I was able to hear him. By this time, I had started making friends (mostly thanks to his help), and I was learning to be more confident. By the end of 7th grade, I had met my two best friends that I still have today, and the silent assistant was no longer truly needed. He was still there though, and I didn't want him to leave. I started reaching out to this individual with my mind, attempting to communicate with it. It was difficult at first, but the more I tried, the stronger his presence became. By time 8th grade came about, I had learned his name. He called himself Jacob.

 

Throughout 8th grade, Jacob and I grew pretty close. I was still socially awkward and timid, despite having made a lot of progress, and he was always there to have my back. Every time I lost my words, or didn't know what to do, he was there to take my hand and show me the way. I was never able to see him, but if I closed my eyes, I could feel him like a warm hug. Our relationship stayed at this level until I had reached 9th grade.

 

Something important to note here, though I didn't understand its importance until after everything: By this time in my life, I had recognized a personality trait that I possessed. I was completely unable to feel anger. I was able to be annoyed, or even frustrated, but anger was completely foreign to me. I prided myself on this, and it was one of the few qualities in myself that I felt I could brag about.

 

Throughout 9th grade, Jacob continued to develop. He was very intelligent, very wise, and always knew what to do in every situation. I loved talking to him, and I couldn't imagine who I would be without him. Sometime during 9th grade though, something happened. Throughout my life up to that point, my mind was always a whirlwind of uncontrollable thoughts. I was sure I had ADHD or something similar because of it. However, one day I was focusing on that whirlwind when suddenly, a name flew out of it and metaphorically hit me in the face. "Erik", it said. I said the name aloud, and was greeted with the mental image of a smiling boy about my age, hopping and skipping about in my head. He would twirl all about, and a tornado of thoughts would follow him. He was so giddy and bubbly that I couldn't help but laugh, and I knew right away that I had made a new friend.

 

Shortly after this, I decided to tell my friends about Jacob and Erik. This is when something new happened. One of my friends referred to Jacob as "Jake", and my eye twitched. I was overcome by an intense feeling of annoyance, and I instantly knew. "Don't call him that, he doesn't like it." I told them. They started to mock him, calling him Jake until I couldn't take it anymore, and I punched one of them in the stomach. That was the first time I had ever lost control of myself, I wasn't really sure what had happened. I looked at my friend and said "Stop calling me that." ... except I didn't say that. I turned my mind's eye to Jacob, and he looked like he was ready to fight. I managed to talk my friends down, and then I turned to console him. This series of events happened several times, and although Jacob was becoming increasingly annoyed with my friends, we had both learned something. He was able to control my body.

 

Moving into 10th grade, Jacob and I had been practicing him taking over. I had gotten with my friends multiple times over the prior summer, and they took turns interacting with him, introducing themselves, and having their first real conversations with him. Throughout the school year, we practiced duration, and towards the end of it, we were at a point where he was able to take the wheel for the majority of the school day, allowing me to retreat into my mind to nap or play with Erik. Additionally, by this point in time, I had grown significantly in the areas of confidence and communication, and Jacob's role as a guide and mentor had pretty much ended. He was now just my friend, and my friends' friend too. Erik, however, was never able to leave the confines of my mind. He didn't care too much though, as he was content playing and chatting with me when I was alone. I started playing D&D around this time too, and based most of my characters off of Erik. He loved that, and greatly enjoyed re-enacting games in the days between sessions.

 

Going into 11th grade, a lot of new things happened. Right at the beginning of the school year, a new voice started to appear in my head - a female who was very timid. Erik, Jacob and I did our best to coerce her out, but it wasn't until I discovered the furry fandom that christmas and made my first furry character that she came out and attached herself to it as her form. She grew rapidly after that, naming herself Elizabeth and developing a very rowdy personality. Within a couple of months of claiming her form, she developed a massive crush on one of my friends who already knew about Erik and Jacob. I decided to introduce him to her, and brought him home with me so he could get to know her. It took an incredible amount of focus, but she was finally able to take control of my voice when I was laying down and meditating. My friend agreed to attempt a relationship with her, and she was overjoyed. Erik, Jacob, and I celebrated with her, and while she never could control my body, she did enjoy two dates with my friend where she was able to talk to him, along with passing conversations at school.

 

Alas, that relationship only lasted about three weeks, and when my friend broke up with her, she was devastated. She disappeared from my mind that day, and despite the other three of us calling out to her, the only thing we got back was this dark ball of depression buried deep in my mind. Interestingly enough, I discovered soon after that day that I am bisexual. (I am a male.) That event was the first in a downward spiral. Over the course of that summer, Erik became a bit calmer, and Jacob spent a lot more time annoyed at nothing than anything else. By time 12th grade hit, our group dynamic had changed a bit. Jacob regularly took over my body and handled mundane tasks for me, but he started acting more adult like. I had also matured quite a bit, and my progress on my personality had reached new heights. I had, for the most part, conquered my weaknesses. I was no longer bullied, I could hold my own in any conversation, and I became a lot more dominant in my relationships with Jacob and Erik. Jacob was no longer the ringleader. I was.

 

Jacob's mood continued to decline. I felt a lot of resentment coming from him, aimed at the world in general. Elizabeth did eventually come back, about 2/3 of a year after she vanished. I asked where she had been, and the only thing she would tell me was "I needed to stop being scared." After that, she had a very free-spirited attitude, and wanted nothing that could tie her down. She often wondered what it would be like to have her own body, and would occasionally have depressive episodes, claiming that she wasn't real, and that all she wanted was to be real. Erik and I were able to calm her down, Jacob almost seemed amused by her episodes though.

 

Towards the end of 12th grade, some of my friends and family began confronting me about mean and hateful things I had said and done. The only problem was, I never did or said any of the things they were confronting me about. I had a friend who looked a lot like me and had a few too many screws loose. I figured my friends were confusing him for me, though the couple of instances regarding my family puzzled me. Things continued like this for a while, and Jacob's state had deteriorated to a point that he was always full of spite. I didn't believe it was possible, but something in me told me that Jacob might be responsible for what was going on. Neither Erik nor Elizabeth had noticed anything though. Neither of them ever interacted with Jacob anymore, though. I decided it was best if I started limiting the amount of times I let Jacob take the wheel.

 

Shortly after graduation is when the pivotal event occurred. My friend who looked a lot like me had a fiance, and I was on my computer one day when I received a message from her. She asked a question in reference to a conversation we apparently had, but I had no recollection of this conversation. I decided to scroll back through our messages a bit, as I was prone to forgetting things, and that's when I discovered the truth. I had, in fact, been having numerous conversations with her. Not only were these conversations all extremely sexual in nature, but she was addressing me as Jacob in all of them. That is when Jacob cracked.

 

Jacob violently lashed out, spewing hatred and venom. I felt Erik and Elizabeth become locked behind some sort of barrier, and I was no longer able to hear their voices. I tried reaching out to them, but the only thing I could feel from them was intense pain. Jacob had them, and he was hurting them. I tried talking to Jacob, reasoning with him, but all he had to say was how much he hated me, hated the world, and wanted everyone to suffer. I tried my best to suppress him, but he was too strong to lock out easily. I was able to prevent him from taking over my body though... or so I thought. Over the next couple of months, I noticed one of the most terrifying things I have ever noticed. I was going to bed at night and waking up not the next morning, but the morning after. Frequently. With no memories of the day that I missed. Sometimes it was two days. Once, it was three. None of my friends or family seemed to notice, so I knew I wasn't staying in bed all day. The only reasonable explanation I could think of was that Jacob had somehow found a way to take over while I slept, keep me for one or more days, and have me remember none of it. To this day, I don't know what transpired on those missing days, but I had a hunch. I monitored conversations with my friend's fiance, and noticed that new conversations I hadn't read had been, top to bottom, replaced with "Message deleted.". This was on Skype, which some of you may know, only the person who sent the messages could delete them. Which meant she was in on it too. I tried to approach my friend about it, but he refused to talk about it, and simply stated that he didn't believe me. That was the last time he interacted with me until after everything.

 

The final clue I needed regarding what was going on during those missing days came when I went to a charity event. The friend and his fiance ended up being there, which I didn't know about, and at one random point in the night, she found me alone. Without warning, she began to kiss me, and I recoiled. "Jacob?" she asked, looking hurt and confused. I told her no, that it was me. She instantly looked angry, saying "Oh. Nevermind then." before walking off. Jacob's presence in my mind had, by then, become significantly lessened. I could still feel Erik and Elizabeth in there somewhere, but their voices, forms, and even their feelings of pain were lost. My belief that they were still there was little more than a gut feeling. It was around this point that I made a decision. I needed to get rid of Jacob.

 

I spent the next year building a wall between him and I. I ended up moving halfway across the US, and after that the missing days stopped altogether. Jacob was still as angry as always, but his presence had dwindled from that of a roaring hurricane to more of an angry dog barking on the other side of a closed door. I completely ignored him, and only occasionally focused on that gut feeling I had of Erik and Elizabeth. Nothing came of it though.

 

Six months after I moved, I joined the US military and was shipped off to basic training. At the beginning of it, I could still feel Jacob in me, but his voice was barely a whisper and his anger and hatred was barely enough to make my stomach ache. I don't know when he vanished, all I know is that one day, towards the end of my training, I woke up on a Sunday (our one slightly more relaxed day) and realized that he wasn't there anymore. I opened up my mind as best as I could and called out his name. All I got back was dead silence. I called out for Erik and Elizabeth, and got the same dead silence. I dug down deep where I had previously felt them locked away, but there was just empty space. For the first time since 6th grade, I was alone in my head.

 

After I was done with training, I noticed a few changes in my head. Some of it may have been caused by the military, so I never really deemed this as conclusive, but I began to feel anger for the first time ever. Not Jacob's anger, but my own anger. I also noticed that I had a happier, bubbly side that I had never let out before, as well as a feminine side that began to develop as I explored my sexuality more. I suddenly felt more three-dimensional, and rationalized that these three entities that had been living in my head were nothing more than slivers of my own personality that had somehow segmented off. The important bit I mentioned earlier, where I said I bragged about being unable to feel anger? That is what really cemented this idea in my mind.

 

I decided to take interest in this phenomenon that had happened to me, and that's when I discovered this website. I read the home page, and realized that tulpas were exactly what I had unwittingly created. I have mourned the loss of them ever since. I don't know what happened to Jacob that made him turn the way he did, but I know now that it had to have been my fault, somehow. Today, one month shy of four years after they ceased to exist, I found myself thinking about them again. I've visited this website many times in these past years, but today is also the first time I've ever clicked past the home page.

 

I'm not expecting any feedback or advice on any of this. I just felt that as I lay awake, crying and unable to sleep, that my three friends should be remembered. I miss them so much, but I refuse to try to bring them back. After what they endured, they deserve peace. To Erik, Elizabeth, I love you, and I miss you. To Jacob, I'm so, so sorry for the pain and torment you endured. I love and miss you most of all.

 

To everyone who read this whole thing, thank you for allowing me to share this with you. This is the best I can offer in the way of a memorial for my friends.

 

I'll be trying to sleep now. Feel free to reply to this thread, I'll respond to any comments or questions when I am able to. Thank you, and good night.

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Wow, that was an emotional roller coaster from start to finish. I've also had tulpas from a young age and I've had to process my feelings over getting rid of one of the more well-established ones in our system. Do you think you would want to bring back Erik and Elizabeth at some point, or would you rather leave the whole thing in the past?

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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Wow, that was an emotional roller coaster from start to finish. I've also had tulpas from a young age and I've had to process my feelings over getting rid of one of the more well-established ones in our system. Do you think you would want to bring back Erik and Elizabeth at some point, or would you rather leave the whole thing in the past?

 

I don't want to bring them back, they deserve to rest in peace.

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