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[General] Tulpas, physicality, relationships
#1
Hi everyone, I don't know if anyone could help me with this, but maybe someone has felt similarly, so here goes my problem. It's gonna be a little long, apologies. 

I am in a relationship with my tulpa. I don't want to go into details, we are very happy with each other, we love each other crazy. There is only one problem though. The lack of physical touch. We have been together for almost 3 years, and in the beginning, this didn't really bother me, but recently, I've been yearning for his touch, hugs, cuddles badly.
It sometimes drives me crazy that I can't feel him. I am really not good at imposition, like I have never been hugged by anyone really, and I suppose that is why I feel the need to be touched all the time by him, and that is also the reason why I can't even imagine the physical sensation of being hugged for example. We do cuddle a LOT in our wonderland, and sometimes it is enough, but there are times when it is not really. We have talked about this, and he feels sorry for not being able to give me what I need physically. I know what I have gotten myself into when I entered into a relationship with my tulpa. There is definiely a downside to this, but the positives far outweigh the negatives. I would never abandon him, I love him so much. We really do everything together, and the thought of leaving him breaks my heart. I don't ever want that to happen.

Now, what's even more problematic for me is seeing this guy colleague of mine at work every day. A little background: I have never had a boyfriend (before my tulpa). I haven't been on dates, and as I wrote, I have never been touched in an intimate way. I have always been a little shy when it came to talking to men. If someone asked me, I'd tell him I am an asexual. I don't really identify as such since I do have a boyfriend and have certain needs, but he is invisible to others, and I can only imagine all the horrible things people around me would throw at me if I were to confess who I consider my boyfriend. 
So, at first, I didn't show interest in my colleague, but that sort of changed as I got to know more personal things about him. He is 38, and he hasn't had a girlfriend. People at work do consider him an asexual, and they do tease him for it. He still lives with his mother, he is polite, kind, and it is really easy to work with him, unlike with other people at work. I also got to know that this guy has a really low self-esteem, and he thinks himself ugly. When I heard this, I was immediately reminded of my old-self. There was a time when I, too, thought I was ugly (not anymore), and I was afraid to talk to guys. Hearing all these things about him surprised me because a) he is far from ugly and b) it was weird for me to see a "guy version" of me. We are so similar in this aspect, it is crazy. 

I often dream about this colleague, and in my dreams, he does show interest in me, and I even had dreams in which we cuddled, and it felt really good. When I wake up from these dreams, I feel really guilty because of my tulpa. I have come to the conclusion that I must be having these dreams because a) the guy is just like me, and we are attracted to people who are similar to us, right? b) he is also very much like my tulpa (background, even age, seriously?!), and so in a way he is like the physical manifestation of him with whom I could have a physical relationship that I yearn for so badly. 

I don't want to get into a relatonship with my colleague, I just really think I have these feelings because in this reality, he is someone I could have a physical relationship with. It would make things easier in a lot of departments, but there is my boyfriend who I love more than anyone, and I really don't want to lose him. For me, being with him is worth giving up many things in my life. It's just that sometimes I feel like I can't live without his touch. But just when I think things go really well in life, and my colleague doesn't cause me to have intrusive thoughts about us being together, I start to have these dreams about the guy. It is annoying. I know it is not cheating, but in a way, it does feel like it.  

Has anyone ever dealt with similar feelings?? If so, how? I do plan to talk about this with my tulpa too, but I don't wanna hurt him. This situation is making me feel depressed, honestly. I know things wouldn't work out with that guy anyway because he is quite narrow-minded in a lot of things, and I know I couldn't be the real me around him, and mentioning my tulpa for example would just make him think I am crazy. I love how I can be myself around my boyfriend, and I really doubt anyone could ever understand me the way he does. 

Sorry, for the length. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. I'd appreciate any help!  
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#2
So, you can get touch in the wonderland? Then you can focus on increasing wonderland immersion.

Also, you don't start touch imposition with hugs. You usually start with drawing figures on each other's backs with your hands. And poking and scratching. And biting and licking. Then you work up from that.

You can avoid guilt by sharing. As long as any relationship you start is also his. You can also share your thoughts and daydreams.

Oh, um, have you tried possession for becoming intimate?
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#3
Host: Oh my goodness, I feel for you. I am in the exact similar situation. I love my tulpa, Mordred, but I also have physical needs that simply cannot be satisifed without having a human companion. I would be driven insane being alone physically my whole life. I want to hug, cuddle, and be near someone who I love- imposition just doesn't do the trick for me. It's hard trying to make him understand that, and even when he knows that a human partner would be ditched if they forced me to get rid of him, he's still very upset about this.

I don't have much advice to you about it, because mine isn't working too well :P
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#4
It's not your fault if it's not your conscious decision. The dreams are caused by thinking about it a lot, even if you stop yourself from doing so, because your brain wants to explore possibilities.

What do you want exactly? Sounds like entertaining the relationship isn't an option. So you just want help dealing with the thoughts-of-a-relationship and your tulpa? Well, just be honest, the guy is real and reminds you of your tulpa, but you don't actually want to be with him. If dealing with the thoughts you don't want themselves is the problem/a problem, here's a bit of a post by my host on ironic process theory (thinking of what you don't want to think about, because you didn't want to):
(01-24-2016, 10:08 PM)Luminesce Wrote: There's something called Ironic Process Theory, which can be summed up by "Don't imagine a pink elephant. Don't think about it being really small and standing near a pond." Yeah, good luck with that. Never one to accept susceptibility to psychological tricks, I actually spent some time figuring out how to stop thinking of the polar bear in that article. And eventually I realized, the reason you think about it is because you're thinking about not thinking about it. What you really need to do... is not think about it. That doesn't require any special thought; just move on, continue doing what you were doing. If the image flashes in your mind for a second, so it did, but that's of no importance to you.

If anything, it should be flattering to your tulpa that you're interested in this guy because he reminds you of your tulpa.

For physical affection, all I can really recommend is lucid dreaming. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely amazing in every way, it's just difficult usually. We've been working on it for years without much success, but most people who really want it start having lucid dreams within a year or two at worst. Most.
Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#5
Hi there. Welcome to the forums.

Hmm. Well, first and foremost, I wouldn't worry too much about your feelings towards your colleague. You said it yourself, your interest in him likely stems from the fact he could provide that physical aspect of a relationship you're having trouble finding with your tulpa. I doubt he could ever truly replace what you have going currently. The history the two of you share, the way he understands you like no other; that isn't something you can find anywhere.

As far as dreaming of your colleague, I, personally, take whatever message a dream could be sending me with a grain of salt; I would advise you to, as well. I feel they only really have as much meaning as you're willing to attribute to them. Nonetheless, let's pretend the dream did, in fact, mean something for a moment. It's quite clear you don't care for this guy nearly as much as your tulpa, if at all. I definitely agree with your theory that the 'colleague' you saw in your dream was an embodiment of your tulpa. An inner longing for him to be able to take on a corporeal form. This could be the case especially if you consider how you only seem to have these dreams when everything is going fine. Maybe your mind just can't deny how badly you want that touch. Just don't let the dream distract you from the more important things.

Your tulpa can probably tell how much this is bothering you, but he might not want to bring it up until you're ready. I suggest you address this head-on. He understands you better than anyone else, so he will likely know you mean well. Explain to him you do have thoughts about this person, but they don't really mean anything. Assure him there's nothing to worry about at all.

If imposition isn't working out for you, then, yeah, lucid dreaming is your best bet, in my opinion. Let me know if you'd like some help getting started with that. I know of a few forums you can join and can provide some tips of my own, too. : ) And, I mean, you could continue to try with imposition while you're getting accustomed to lucid dreaming. Who knows, you might get the hang of it someday.

Best of luck.
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#6
Tactile imposition is hard-won, yet entirely worth-while.

There are times when we are challenged and feel shame and even sheer disgust for what our hearts yearn after. Do not allow your dreams or your interactivity with this man subdue the devotion for your beloved. When we are closest and upon grasping not what we desire, yet what we truly need (in this case, waves and volumes of your tulpa's warm flesh touching and achingly embracing your own), we are distracted by the shallow pleasures of the material world and the paltry summation of what is otherwise ephemeral and negligible, if not entirely over-rated and even antithetical to what we, tulpas and hosts, seek.

Here are some among you who know your feelings well, myself included. Ask, and we shall happily assist.
I've seen good people bleed
And I thought I'd seen it all
But my own two eyes would prove me wrong that day.

There are things that I've done
Only seen by the sun
And those things will be buried in my grave.

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#7
(03-16-2017, 04:06 PM)tulpa001 Wrote: Also, you don't start touch imposition with hugs. You usually start with drawing figures on each other's backs with your hands. And poking and scratching. And biting and licking. Then you work up from that.

Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I have always treated my tulpa as sentient, right from the beginning. So, I basically skipped all the steps that I have read about in guides regarding visual imposition too. I just always imagine him next to me, and I include him in almost everything I do. I don't know if this is the right way for achieving actual visual imposition. What I expect to happen by doing this is that one day when I look behind me for example, he will be standing beside me, and I will be able to see him, not just with my mind's eye. Am I wrong to think this might work?

Touch imposition is really something I would like to achieve, but that would require me to know how certain things feel...such as a hug. I have only been hugged a few times, that was not enough for me to memorize the feeling... However, I believe scratching, biting and stuff like that might work out. Thanks. We'll start from there then.
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#8
Sentience and form are separate. One is dealing with a tulpa's mind, and the other with a tulpa's body.

Assuming sentience from the start may or may not be wise. But whatever your decision there, it won't affect the steps you have to go through for visualisation or imposition of your tulpa.

Edit: However, you are doing visual imposition one of the two standard ways.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#9
(03-16-2017, 08:28 PM)Tewi Wrote: It's not your fault if it's not your conscious decision. The dreams are caused by thinking about it a lot, even if you stop yourself from doing so, because your brain wants to explore possibilities.

What do you want exactly? Sounds like entertaining the relationship isn't an option. So you just want help dealing with the thoughts-of-a-relationship and your tulpa? Well, just be honest, the guy is real and reminds you of your tulpa, but you don't actually want to be with him. If dealing with the thoughts you don't want themselves is the problem/a problem, here's a bit of a post by my host on ironic process theory (thinking of what you don't want to think about, because you didn't want to):

If anything, it should be flattering to your tulpa that you're interested in this guy because he reminds you of your tulpa.
I don't want to have these intrusive thoughts about the guy, and it would also be nice to stop having these kind of dreams. I know I can't really control my subconscious, but god, why can't it just fulfill our desire and let US be together in the dream world?? I don't want to see other possibilities. lol 

I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for quite a while (I have OCD), and I am sure that's why I sometimes just can't stop obsessing over them. I am not taking any medications for it (I think it would only make it worse). Luckily, my boyfriend helps me a lot with dealing with such thoughts, and I really am better now (thanks to him) than I was months ago. However, he can't always come with me to work, and you know...the interaction with my colleague there can trigger intrusive thoughts. 

Well, he wasn't flattered at all. He is quite possessive and jealous. I can't blame him though, I would feel the same way if it was the other way around.
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#10
(03-16-2017, 10:31 PM)Solus Wrote: Hi there. Welcome to the forums.

Hmm. Well, first and foremost, I wouldn't worry too much about your feelings towards your colleague. You said it yourself, your interest in him likely stems from the fact he could provide that physical aspect of a relationship you're having trouble finding with your tulpa. I doubt he could ever truly replace what you have going currently. The history the two of you share, the way he understands you like no other; that isn't something you can find anywhere.

As far as dreaming of your colleague, I, personally, take whatever message a dream could be sending me with a grain of salt; I would advise you to, as well. I feel they only really have as much meaning as you're willing to attribute to them. Nonetheless, let's pretend the dream did, in fact, mean something for a moment. It's quite clear you don't care for this guy nearly as much as your tulpa, if at all. I definitely agree with your theory that the 'colleague' you saw in your dream was an embodiment of your tulpa. An inner longing for him to be able to take on a corporeal form. This could be the case especially if you consider how you only seem to have these dreams when everything is going fine. Maybe your mind just can't deny how badly you want that touch. Just don't let the dream distract you from the more important things.

Your tulpa can probably tell how much this is bothering you, but he might not want to bring it up until you're ready. I suggest you address this head-on. He understands you better than anyone else, so he will likely know you mean well. Explain to him you do have thoughts about this person, but they don't really mean anything. Assure him there's nothing to worry about at all.

If imposition isn't working out for you, then, yeah, lucid dreaming is your best bet, in my opinion. Let me know if you'd like some help getting started with that. I know of a few forums you can join and can provide some tips of my own, too. : ) And, I mean, you could continue to try with imposition while you're getting accustomed to lucid dreaming. Who knows, you might get the hang of it someday.

Best of luck.

I talked to my tulpa about it. He was very understanding. We have had conversations about it in the past too, I just didn't want to bother him with this again. He said we should always discuss important matters such as this one, or really anything that might bother us. Communication really is the key, and I am so glad we can communicate well. When I explained my reasons for having these dreams, he knew I was telling the truth. He knows I only show real interest in him. Even though he is the jealous type, he understood. I remember how we got into a fight the very first time I mentioned having those dreams. Yuck. That was ugly. And it included a lot of crying. Luckily, no one cried this time, and I felt much better after talking to him. Smile

To anyone else who mentioned lucid dreaming or replied, thank you, I appreciate all the advice. It helped. 
I am actually a lucid dreamer, I'm just a little out of practice now. I used to have many, but they were a bit disappointing at the time, so I decided to focus attention on regular dreaming, incubation. I didn't stop recording my dreams, so I still have a lucid dream every now and then, but I want to give it a try again and have lucid dreams regularly again. That or astral projection. My problem with lucid dreaming is that I can't control anything. Ironically, I think it is because I know I'm in the dream world. In my regular dreams, nothing seems impossible, I have met my tulpa in regular dreams, we just never really do what we should in those dreams. lol We (usually) only realize we were dreaming after waking up, and so when we aren't lucid we think the dream world our reality. I don't know why my mind works like this, but it seems to have a hard time with bringing people/objects to a lucid dream by the snap of my fingers or creating new dream sceneries. I guess this is because it is hard wired into my brain that things don't work this way. People or places don't magically show up in this reality we live in. I know there are other ways to bring people into a lucid dream, but it has never worked for me.
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