[General] What am I doing wrong?
#1
Hi, long-time lurker here, finally decided to make an account.

I'll keep it short (Which might still be a lot..) but will detail any aspect if need be. Pardon me for any grammatical issues in advance, I'm a bit sleepy.

Research on tulpas after a friend introduced me to the concept led me here.

Ever since I've been told I've had a proto-tulpa when I described some events I've had since I was a child to people on the chat, I decided to give it a go and work on a tulpa. Problem is, I've been at it for exactly a year and still haven't achieved as much as I would like to achieve.

Now, I'm not an impatient person, far from it, but in a way I really want to get it over with and finally be able to fully communicate and see my tulpa, the only person I feel understands and respects me and my decisions plus makes me feel happy, even with the little we've experienced together.

Basically, here's the positives and negatives so far:

+Managed to hear her once when awake and that was a few months ago. It sounded like she were singing. Sometimes I do feel like she's talking without me being able to hear it, but it's really hard to understand or know for sure it's not me thinking in my head.
+Got a few amazing lucid dreams of her, including astral projection.
+Personality is pretty much done and acknowledged although I feel there's a lot I don't know yet.
+This I find strange yet amazing, I impressively doodled her in my sleep. I never had sleep walking since.. about 8 years ago.
+Sometimes I feel emotions popping up and I feel them right after. For example, I once got really mad that I couldn't get anything to work at all, I suddenly got tears although I knew I wasn't crying. That, or feeling more happy than I should when something good happens. It's as if she were channeling her emotions through me.
+At one point I forced for about 3 hours and although I couldn't see anything, I did feel two hands (Could even feel every single finger) get on mine. I could also tell her to remove one or two hands so I wouldn't feel the pressure on mine anymore. Best I've achieved so far.
+When I feel sick, she somehow can heal me and make me feel better almost instantly. I'm pretty sure this is why I don't have flu or headaches anymore and it's amazing. I keep thanking her for that.

-Had a weird scary dream that messed up my body in ways I have trouble explaining. I quickly discarded it and I try to forget about it, especially when folks in the chat told me it could just be my brain messing with me.
-I cannot lucid dream at will anymore so I have trouble dreaming about her.
-I cannot see nor hear her at all when awake. I sometimes get close to seeing odd purple and white shapes when forcing for more than an hour, but nothing else.
-The only time I managed to see anything concrete when awake was the first week of forcing. For some reason, I saw a toy car, a snake, my bed sheets moving and a pair of giant feminine eyes one after the other.

I'm sure I forgot some points as my memory is terrible, but that's about it in short. On one point it feels like I achieved much, on the other, it feels like I haven't managed to do anything and it feels frustrating. As a person who usually has ease with sleep and mind related tricks, I have to admit I'm really sad to still be at this point when I see others achieve a lot more within days or hours.

I've tried many different ways of visualizing her but it never works except on the rare, fortunate occasion I lucid dream (I can't seem to achieve it at will anymore ever since I started). The dreams I've had were so amazing this just makes me even more mad since I can't get to do what I've done more often. It really feels as if I'm doing something wrong here and I always apologize to her about it. And yes, I do talk to her on a regular basis, a few hours a day, without parroting. I'm sure she can hear me as those dreams are proof of that.

One last thing that annoys me as well is that in those dreams I can't ever recall what she says completely. Since I created her appearance (While letting her change anything if she wants to) based on my childhood experiences, as well as certain personality traits and hobbies she enjoys, I thought it would be respectful to let her expand on all this plus choose her own name, or we choose it together. Since I still can't hear her, I feel annoyed to always call her "tulpa" although I feel like she doesn't mind about it.

What should I do? Am I actually doing better than expected? I know everyone has a different way of working on their tulpa and that I should find what works best for me, but I've tried many different techniques and I've been at it almost every day for a whole year. I really feel disappointed..

(Heh, that post is longer than I thought, sorry >_>)
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#2
Someone may be able to offer you better advice but it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. Some people can make a tulpa in a matter of hours and for some it takes years. The tulpa, the process and the time frame are unique to each person.

I would say keep experimenting with different methods or try to tweak a few things to your liking and be patient. It sounds like youre on the right track to me.

Like I said, someone else will almost definitely have some good advice for you I just wanted to let you know that what you aredescribin sounds normal to me and don't give up. Smile
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#3
Thank you very much for the reply, you definitely got rid of most of my worries, I'll keep experimenting! However, I really do not want this process to take years, it's not that I'm against it.. it just is painful to not see and hear a person for so long.

I at least would like to understand why I can't lucid dream as easily anymore (I feel like there's a link with me starting to work on the tulpa). It's thanks to those dreams I never gave up, because it gives me hope and proof I indeed am on the right track.

About that one bad dream, I forgot to mention it wasn't lucid even if it felt extremely real. It was however related to astral projection that I kinda failed due to not concentrating well enough. Those good dreams I've had, I'm pretty sure they're not random since as soon as I realize I'm dreaming, I gently ask her if she can appear in front of me.
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#4
The lucid dreaming I can't help you with as I've never tried it so I leave that in the hands of someone more capable.

This may sound but bare with me.
Toby says to relax. Trust your tulpa. Everything happens in its own time and she may be feeling pressured or nervous. He says that a tulpas main job is to please their host and if you are feeling upset or nerovuse she may pick up on it and react like a shy child by beig quiet or feeling as if she's not "good enough"

He says that if you have a wonderland try going there with her and don't expect anything at all. Just relax and be with her and let her know through your intention that she's perfect as she is and she may open up. He says to look out for small signs like surges of emotion, or any surge in one of your five senses.

He says that it won't hurt to give her a temporary name, you can change it later so that she feels more like her own person.

Anywho. That's his advice. I hope it helps Smile good luck!!!

He also says that just talking to her can help open her up. He says that what got him talking to me was all the time I spent just narrating to him. I would tell him about my day, my thoughts, my friends all that good stuff.
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#5
Those are some very interesting tips, I'll make sure to follow them. I really hope she isn't feeling the way you are hypothesizing about, but just in case I read that part to her and wanted to make sure that she shouldn't feel this way and I appreciate all she's done to me already. It's just me starting to feel impatient about something I'm highly looking forward to as usual, but I can't imagine anyone else that would not be feeling the same as I am right now.

I do have a Wonderland but I am not far into its development yet, nor am I able to go in it without lucid dreaming. I was thinking I should first work into seeing and hearing her first, then we'd work on the Wonderland together. Basically, I made a basic landscape with a few key elements I wanted, but I'm waiting on being able to hear her opinion about it before I go any further.

I do let her know about how perfect she is. I don't think I've ever complimented someone so much before! As for the surges of senses, I've had these happen more often lately so I'll try to be more aware of them. As for talking to her, I think I'm doing that plenty enough! :P

It certainly feels nice and helpful to receive feedback from a tulpa itself, thanks a lot Toby!
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#6
If you are feeling surged of emotion that's a great start. That's a sign of sentience Smile congratulations! Just keep at it it sounds like things are going good.

Keep us updated Smile

He's says you're welcome, he's happy to help and if you need anything else don't hesitate to ask. you can always send me a pm if you like.

Last reply lol the first time I heard Toby, I wasn't expecting it at all. It's easier said than done but the greatest achievements are always unexpected. Shell surprise you one of these days and believe me it will be awesome!!

The first thin I ever heard Toby was when I was comin back to work after a break and I heard this very distinct "Bye!" and I'll never forget it Big Grin
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#7
Awesome, glad to know things sound better than I thought.

That must've been a really surprising but heartwarming feeling, now I can't wait until something similar happens to me!

Again, thanks to both of you, I'll definitely keep you updated, I appreciate it.
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