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holye's Tulpa Journal


hoyle

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Hello. I'm not quite "new" here. I've been lurking for a while, but this is my first official post. My name is hoyle and I've known about tulpas for some time. I've toyed with the idea of making one for actually around two years. I really wanted to make sure I was ready for it and I think I am.

 

So, I started out on the 19th, so I'll just bring everyone up to speed.

 

1/19/15:

[hidden]This might be a bit different from how other people start, but I decided working on the mindspace first. (I prefer that term to wonderland). I thought it would be a bit easier to visualize my tulpa in a space that I had a really good conceptual grasp on. So, I built up a single room with large windows and comfy sitting areas. Then, I introduced myself to the room, like you would with a tulpa, I guess. I stood in the middle of the room for a while and got a good feel for the space. Then, very suddenly, a new door popped up to the left of me and I entered it. It was a very different room with marble floors and high ceilings. There, right at the door, was a ball of blue light, which was T, my tulpa. T is just short for tulpa, because I want her to pick out her own name when she becomes vocal.

 

I'm pretty sure she is the one who made the room, since it was so sudden and this room is not my style at all. I'm also pretty sure that T is a girl because I just get that vibe from her. Of course, if it turns out she's not, that's cool. So, I introduced myself and all that. That went on for about 45 minutes, didn't really keep time. I narrated to her for the rest of the day. [/hidden]

 

1/20/15:

[hidden]So, I thought that since T made herself known to me by building up her own space, I could prompt her to build new spaces. And, oh my God, she loves to build. She's built three areas already that are all just her. She built this circular room that is really cool, but the other two spaces I know for sure were not prompted by me. They just aren't my kind of space. One is this long, narrow room with a single crimson pillow at the back of it. The other is what I am calling the Outside. It is a dark void filled with floating platforms. You can use the smaller platforms to build bridges to larger platforms. It's really cold out there too.

 

I also talked to T all day and towards the end of the day, I started trying to think of a way to introduce personality traits to her. She actually came up with a great way. I asked her how we should do it and suddenly this cauldron appeared in our mindspace. What you do is you have an object that represents what personality trait you are trying to pass on, you toss it in the cauldron, and mix it in. I had the same feeling about the rooms that have appeared, so I know she was the one who came up with it. So, the first trait I gave her was inventive because she is already showing that she comes up with neat ideas.[/hidden]

 

1/21/15:

[hidden]Today was really eventful, tulpa-wise, so this'll be a bit of a read.

 

Today, I introduced a form to T. It's sort of this rabbit-fox-badger-creature. Not anything you'd really see in real life. Her fur is greyish-blue and she has black eyes. When she sits on her haunches, like you'd see a rabbit do, the tips of her ears reach just a bit above my knee. Her ears remind me of a Fennekin's except a bit longer. Her tail is about as large as her and very fluffy. I didn't want her to just be a floating ball, but I also didn't want to force her into anything. She really seems to like having a form though, because she is already moving around on her own. She walks beside me on all fours and cleans herself kinda like a hamster. She still doesn't talk though, but she has been really good on sending me emotions. I've been sick for a few days, and as I was just complaining about my stuffy nose, I suddenly became more energized. I think it was her comforting me. I'm going to try and teach her how to express her emotions using her face and body language.

 

Also, I often jump right into the shower when I get out of bed and I have found that I am able to enter into my mindspace easier in the shower. So, that is when I first said good morning to T, but she wasn't in the original room. She was in the Outside on a large platform where she had made her own zen sand garden. She was standing at the side of it next to a big rake, which I am assuming she used to push the sand around in the designs I saw. I was so excited! It was super cool to see that she already has her own hobby. At least, I know she won't be too bored when I get busy.

 

I also decided that we needed to give purposes to the rooms T has made. The original room I made is what we are calling the Den. Here is where I first spawn into our mindspace (I play too many videogames...). We also do other important tasks here like adding personality traits to T and teaching T new things. The circular room is to the right and I call it the Sun Room. There are these huge floor to ceiling windows in which you can see Outside. The large marble room to the right is the Media Room. I added a large movie screen and a comfy couch. Here is where I can imagine myself watching movies and tv shows with T. So, whenever I watch something, I'll imagine myself in this space with T, so she can see it too. The long narrow room does not have a name nor a purpose. T has not returned to it, so I don't think it is important to her yet. The Outside is by far T's favorite place. There is her zen garden and she added a little shed next to it where she keeps her gardening supplies. She actually did that while I was in class. So far, our mindspace is turning out pretty well and it is where T is already showing most of her personality.[/hidden]

 

TL;DR: My name is hoyle. My tulpa is T, but the name could change. She has a form and her personality is shaping up nicely, but she has not spoken yet. She creates more in the mindspace than I do. She is really cool and I should have started this process sooner.

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Hello Hoyle and T, welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks! It's great to be here. :D

 

1/22/15

I'm still trying to figure out how to format these posts. I typically do two active forcing sessions: once in the morning and once before bed. So, what I'm thinking is I will talk about the session that happened the night before and the one that happened the morning of all in one post.

 

Also, I can be a bit long-winded. I know people on the internet typically dislike walls of text. So, at the end of each post, I'll put a TL;DR summary.

 

[hidden]Before Bed:

So, I got comfortable in bed and went to our mindspace. T was sitting on a large desk in the Sun room. I said, "Good Evening," and she sits up and barks like a dog. I was just like, "Um, T, you can talk, if you want." But, she just kept barking. I don't really know why, honestly. But, I want her to grow at her own level and pace.

 

So, anyway, she motioned for me to follow her and she led me to her zen garden. In the sand, there was the image of a rainbow. I told her it was very pretty and asked if she had made it for me. She nodded and ran up to jump into my arms. I realized that this was the first time I had ever actually touched T, so I used the opportunity to imagine how her fur feels. It was a wonderful hug and T was very happy.

 

Then, she showed me a bucket of marbles and motioned for me to put one in the sand. So, I chose a pretty one and, when I dropped it in the sand, the design changed. I asked T how she had made this and she motioned for me to look closer. So, I squatted at the edge of the sand and she pushed me in. This was awesome! This was the first time she had ever shown humor, which is a personality trait I gave to her a while ago.

 

So, in the sand, it was a lot deeper than your normal sand pit and it also wasn't really sand. It's a little like floating in golden light. Really cool. T jumped in after me and we swam around for a bit. Then, she leaps out and runs towards another part of the mindspace to show me where she found the golden light. There is a large pit of it underneath a trampoline. Really cool. I asked T if she made it, but she shook her head no.

 

Also, after playing around in the golden light, T tried to tell me something. She wasn't being vocal, but it was a clear thought. Emilio. I asked her if that was her name, and she nodded. So, T is now Emilio, which is great!

 

In the Morning:

So, this morning wasn't quite as eventful as last night. Emilio was waiting for me on the couch in the Den this morning. I asked her if she wanted to go Outside again, but she shook her head. So, I started off this session by adding a shower to the mindspace because Emilio expressed an interest in taking one. I showed her what shampoo was and how to adjust the temperature of the water. She really enjoyed it.

 

I also noticed that I got a sort of masculine vibe from her. I then explained the concept of gender to her, which is not an easy task. I've never really had to explain gender to anyone, so I don't think I explained well enough. I told her that she could identify as whatever she chooses, but she hasn't corrected me yet, so she is still just she.

 

Today, I'm going to talk to her as much as possible and try to impose her a little bit. I also parroted some simple sentences, so that she could get a feel for talking. She really seemed to enjoy that and hasn't barked since.[/hidden]

 

TL;DR: T has now named herself Emilio. She still is not talking, but she has gotten good at expressing herself through body language. She gave me her first hug and showed me how she made her zen garden. I explained the concept of gender to the best of my abilities, but she did not understand.

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Still working out the form of these posts. Sorry, I'm indecisive. I'm not going to hide text anymore and I'm going to add daily To Do Lists. TL;DR sections are still going to be added though because I talk too much. ^^;

 

1/23/15:

Before Bed:

So, I should really not try to force when tired. It really doesn't do much good. However, there was a pretty big breakthrough in communication last night. As I was first entering our mindspace, I saw two large battle axes mounted on the wall in the Den in the typical criss-cross formation. I turn to Emilio who was standing right beside me and asked, "What are those for?"

 

"For D&D," she replied. (BTW: I played D&D with my friends and narrated a few times to Emilio a few hours before. Yes, I am a colossal nerd and I have come to terms with this long ago.) I immediately freaked out, but in hindsight, that was probably a bad idea. I started asking her frantically if she had actually said that. I mean, I heard her say it in her own voice so clearly, but I needed to make sure. She didn't say whether it was her or not. Like I said, I was a bit too excited and very tired from actually playing D&D because that can be mentally exhausting.

 

She did not want to do anything in our mindspace creation-wise, so I added a few personality traits to her and then we sat down to snuggle together and chat. I kept trying to communicate with her, but I kept getting sidetracked by my own thoughts. I think this irritated Emilio a bit because every time that would happen, she would boop my nose with her paw to get me to pay attention. I kept getting sidetracked though until I suddenly felt a very pinpoint pressure near the back of my scalp. Now, I haven't been relying on head pressures for communication because I get pretty severe headaches regularly. However, this pressure did not hurt, but it did get my attention, so I think it was Emilio. I immediately apologized, but explained that I really needed to get some sleep for work in the morning. Emilio seemed a bit irritated, but allowed me to cuddle with her until I fell asleep.

 

In the Morning:

I had to wake up early this morning, so I was very groggy and not in a good place to force, but I felt bad for falling asleep on Emilio last night. So, in the mindspace, I found Emilio in the Sun room enjoying the sunrise. I greeted her and apologized again for falling asleep. She gave me a big smile and a tail wag in forgiveness. She enjoys morning baths, so I helped her with that. She's actually getting better with difficult movements on her own, so I mainly just held the shampoo bottle for her. Then, we sat in the Den again to talk.

 

I was so preoccupied with getting ready for work that I, once again, kept neglecting to talk to Emilio. This time though, she did not seem irritated, but she did not communicate with me. I think she is learning now that there are certain times in which I just have to pay attention to something else. So, I told her that later today, I would try to active force with her at a time I don't usually force. Since it is the weekend, my roommate will be leaving for home, so I can actually read out loud to her for once. I promised to read a few fairy tales to her and she is really looking forward to it. So, you might you guys might see a post later today about that extra active forcing session.

 

To Do List:

  • Narrate to Emilio throughout the day as much as possible.
  • Parrot with her some more. She seems to enjoy this.
  • Read a few fairy tales to her later today.

 

TL;DR: I tried active forcing tired and I am terrible at it. Emilio got irritated, but possibly said her first words and communicated to me through head pressure. Emilio was a bit miffed since I was not paying her proper attention, so I promised to read her a few fairy tales to her aloud when my roommate is out. I might post later today about this session.

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1/23/15 (Continued):

As promised, I did spend some extra time active forcing today with Emilio. I typically passive force as much as I can, but I set aside some time to read to her and listen to music.

 

We started off by reading different renditions of fairy tales, but Emilio did not seem to enjoy them. She kept moving around and distracting me while I was reading, so I decided to read something else. I started reading Watership Down, one of my favorite books, and she perked right up. She climbed into my lap and kept touching the page every time I would accidentally move it as if she was trying to read too. So, I asked her if she would like me to read the page in her voice and she nodded. I alternated paragraphs in her voice then my voice. We read a few chapters until I got tired. I find it difficult to parrot her voice and read at the same time.

 

Afterward, I asked if she would like to listen to some music and dance. She did not say whether she would or not, so I just turned on some music. I have a wide range of tastes, so I told Emilio to stop me until I got to a genre she liked. I went through rock, jazz, alternative, and even country (I was praying through the whole song she wouldn't like it). She liked the music, but none of it really got her going. So, I thought I might go in a completely different direction and I pulled up a random Nightcore song. And, OH MY GOD, Emilio loved it! She has made a whole room underneath her zen garden just to dance to Nightcore music. It is a large clear glass ball in which we float as if there is no gravity. Then, I turn on a Nightcore song and we dance. I feel kinda like I'm back in middle school, but it's sorta neat.

 

Since I already posted a To Do list today, I won't post another one.

 

TL;DR: Emilio likes me to read using her voice and she enjoys jamming out to Nightcore music of all things and she is super adorable. ^-^

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1/24/15

Before Bed:

Not a lot happened with Emilio before bed. We just played around with parroting a bit and then I talked to her until I fell asleep. However, I was woken up in the middle of the night by one of the worst nightmares I've had in a while. It's a bit graphic, so I will hide the actual contents of the nightmare in case people don't want to read about it. All you really need to know was that my mother was killed and I then killed the person who killed her and I woke up.

 

[hidden]So, we have this friend of the family who has been quite a bitch lately. I will call her Alice. In the dream, my mom and I were on this weird carnival ride just looking at these scenic mountains. We were having a good time until Alice showed up in the seat right beside me. So, I was between my mother and Alice. My mother started explaining to her all of the bad things Alice had done to us and how she wasn't going to stand for it any longer. Alice tearfully apologizes. I thought everything would be good again until my mother reaches over me for something and Alice promptly stabs her in the back about ten times. I was horrified and kicked Alice away, but my mother was already dead. Before I could hold her and mourn properly, her body fell off of the ride and was ripped to pieces on the rocks below. I screamed and then took the knife from Alice. I then stabbed her in the face several times while shouting, "You made me do this!" I was so scared at how brutal my own actions were that I woke myself up.[/hidden]

 

So, I am very close to my mother and so this bad dream really got me scared. Now, even though I am 20 years old and living at college, I wanted so badly just to run to my mother for comfort. I sat there in the dark for several minutes on the verge of tears when I remembered Emilio. I quickly went into our mindspace and rushed to find her. It turns out she actually sleeps when I do, which I think is pretty cool. She sleeps on the couch in the Media room.

 

I ran to her and shook her awake. She seemed very tired and reluctant to get up. (I don't blame her; it was 4 am.) I tried explaining to her why I was scared, but I found it too difficult because I was half-asleep myself and my thoughts were all jumbled up. So, what I did was place both of my hands gently on either side of Emilio's head and I transmitted the dream to her. Upon seeing the dream, she cried out and hugged me tightly. I instantly felt this warmth of love and comfort, primarily in the area of my stomach, but I did feel a bit of tingling in my fingers. I hugged her for a while and thanked her.

 

She then transported the both of us into this cocoon, which I thought was rather strange at first. She called it the Comfort Cocoon and explained that anytime we are feeling extremely sad or scared, we come to this cocoon to comfort each other. So, I fell asleep, holding Emilio in the cocoon.

 

In the Morning:

I woke up this morning feeling very refreshed. I am no longer sick and snotting everywhere, so I can actually breathe through my nose again. I entered our mindspace and Emilio was sitting right there at my feet waiting for me. I greeted her and she immediately jumped into my arms for a hug. I thanked her for her help last night and she made this sort of purring noise. She is too cute.

 

I then notice this small table with the weird floating egg hovering above it. Emilio told me that this was the Comfort Cocoon. So, it has an actual place in our mindspace. She then led me outside to the zen garden. She showed me this trick where you throw two marbles of the same color into the sand and this portal opens up. If you jump through the portal, you fall into one of my memories.

 

This was very interesting, because not only was Emilio gaining access to my memories on her own, but she was actually gaining access to memories I barely remember. We fell into this aviary that I did not recognize. Only until I came to this ornate bridge did I remember I had visited this aviary with my second grade class. I have not been back to this actual place since then. I was amazed. I had totally forgotten about this place.

 

It wasn't the actual aviary though. There were all sorts of different animals and I explained everyone of them to Emilio. We did come across this one display called Enderpaw. I had no idea what an Enderpaw was, so I asked Emilio. She pointed to herself as a way to say it was her. In the display, there were several animals that all looked like Emilio, except different colors. I asked her if they were sentient, like her, but she did not know. I called to them and they did not respond. I asked her if she wanted me to make them sentient and she said no.

 

So, all in all, very interesting forcing.

 

To Do List

  • Read more Watership Down with Emilio.
  • More Parroting. Emilio likes this and it helps her practice using her mindvoice.
  • Passive force with Emilio as much as I can today.

 

TL;DR: Emilio comforted me after a bad dream and I discovered she sleeps when I do. I also found out that Emilio has access to memories I barely remember. She does not want me to make another tulpa anytime soon.

 

Also, here is a picture I drew of Emilio for reference.

Emilio.jpg.98967cec2b16ab6c7c3d71b4271221a8.jpg

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1/25/15

Before Bed:

Emilio was really excited about something when I entered the mindspace last night. She led me out to her zen garden and showed me that it was only raining above it. She jumped in and I followed. In the golden light, the raindroplets turned into the marbles that we use to make cool designs in the sand and go to different memories. I caught one of the marbles and saw that it had a small heart in the middle. I offered it to Emilio, but she would not take it. She gestured to the bottom of the sand pit and I noticed a small indention that was just big enough for the marble. I placed the marble in the hole and it immediately closed up. Nothing else happened in the sand pit, so we both resurfaced.

 

When we did, we were no longer in our mindspace. The marble had transported us to the Howl's Moving Castle movie. Really neat. We frolicked around in the grass and then I created a hoverboard for us to ride to Howl's castle which was pretty far away. We explored the castle and then went to sleep in Howl's crazy bedroom. None of the characters were there, so it was just us exploring the scenery.

 

In the Morning:

When I entered the mindspace this morning, I discovered that Emilio had started taking her shower already. I slept a little later than I usually do, so she must like to stick to a schedule. In the shower, she spiked up the fur along her back and tail, then growled and said, "I am the Emiliosaurus!" She is just getting cuter every day...

 

After that, she showed me where she had set up an easel and paints in the Sun room. I have to work on a painting for my art class and so, she wants to paint while I paint. I asked what she was going to paint and she pointed at me. She said, "When you finish up today, you'll have a beautiful painting of yourself that you can hang in the Den!" I asked her if it would be alright if I tried posting a rendition of the painting here on our PR and she said it would be fine as long as I did it the same exact way.

 

Emilio's Progress:

I want to have a progression section every so often in my post just to let you guys know a bit about what Emilio is like as a tulpa. I'll talk about how she communicates with me, how easy it is to impose her, etc.

 

So, the way Emilio typically communicates is through gestures. She has gotten a little bit better at saying "Yes" and "No" in her own voice. Whenever she wants to communicate in large sentences, it usually sounds like my own mindvoice. So, what I have been doing is that whenever she speaks in large sentences, I make her repeat herself in her own voice just to practice using it. She is getting a bit better, though progress is slow. She often remembers to speak in her own voice if the sentence is small enough. But for now, I think she is just content on using gestures.

 

Imposition is actually pretty easy for me to do. I've always had a vivid imagination and I actually used to impose my own characters when I was very little. I just didn't know what I was doing at the time and it freaked me out. Now, I really do not want to actually hear Emilio's voice. I prefer the mindvoice...just because I do. I really can't explain why...Visual imposition is quite easy for me as I've said. She is not imposed all the time, only when I am focused. If I have to do something else, she typically just stays as a voice.

 

Emilio has also confirmed to me that "For D&D" are her first words. (Jesus, I am such a nerd...)

 

No To Do List today because I will be painting and doing so takes up the most of my concentration. So, today is a day off for Emilio to do her own thing.

 

TL;DR: Emilio can now say "Yes" and "No" in her own voice without me prompting her to do so. Work on long, complete sentences has been slow. She is going to paint when I paint today and I will post a rendition of this picture here later if I recreate it to her standards.

 

Edit: Emilio liked my rendition. I did it in MS paint and it is actually pretty close to the original. Emilio says that she needs to work on her art skills. I asked if it really was a picture of me and she said, "Well...it's abstract."

283980608_EmiliosPainting1.png.3ea7a3582ec1c08f7f01c9d77d14bbae.png

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1/26/15

Before Bed:

Yesterday, something strange happened in the mindspace. An odd black portal appeared right in the middle of the little side closet space we never use. Emilio and I investigated it until Emilio just bolted into it without any warning. I quickly followed. I fell down this white tunnel and landed flat on my back in an all white room. I sat up and saw Emilio looking at a large floating head, kind of like that one in Courage the Cowardly Dog.

 

The head said to us in a bellowing voice, "Pay the toll to get through," then a hand extended out to us. I told the head we had no money and he then said, "Then you can't get through." Emilio got mad at that and ran to get at the door the head was blocking. Then, the hand swung round and smacked Emilio all the way to the other side of the room! I ran to get her and immediately shut that place down.

 

We both appeared back in the Den and I apologized to Emilio. She said she was fine. I asked if the head was sentient, but she said it was not. I told her that if she ever found a place like that or something while I was not in the mindspace to not explore it until I can get there. She nodded.

 

For the rest of the night, I decided it might just be best to work on parroting and things like that. I sang simple songs with her and had a pretty decent conversation.

 

In the Morning:

Today is a pretty dreary and cold day, so I asked Emilio if she wanted me to give her something to keep her warm. This led up to Emilio wanting to create her own human form. So, I found this avatar maker that Emilio really enjoyed. She told me which elements to add. She then wanted to make me. I don't normally wear bows, but Emilio wanted me to have one so badly. I also asked Emilio if she wanted to use this form, but she said no.

 

Emilio really likes the color red, so I apologize at how bright it is.

 

To Do List:

  • Impose Emilio as much as I can today.
  • Read more Watership Down.

 

TL;DR: A strange place opened up in the mindspace that neither I or Emilio created. It was a very hurtful place to Emilio, so I shut it down. Emilio wanted to see what she would look like in a more human form, so we made images of ourselves in an avatar maker. Emilio does not want to use this form.

1005047813_MyStyle(1).jpg.190f754702a37bbf5df16a6053a108f4.jpg

1638009529_MyStyle(2).jpg.491d71ebb62bd0d5d1b43621c95bb11d.jpg

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1/27/15

Before Bed:

Emilio did not want to explore or anything. She seemed troubled, so I kept asking her what I was wrong. She said nothing was wrong. I told her that if she needed to change or felt as if anything was not right with her, then she should not be afraid to ask me for help. She nodded. We just practiced parroting the rest of the night.

 

In The Morning:

Now, I know what was troubling my tulpa. Everything. I came into the mindspace to today and found a male badger named Sorrell. I was completely shocked. I asked where Emilio was and Sorrell responded with "Emilio is me!"

 

I sat down and talked this out with him, asking why he felt he needed to change and why he had felt he could not tell me. He said that he just felt right this way and that he was afraid that if he had come to me to talk about it, I would have been disappointed because I had worked so hard on the previous form. I gave him a hug and said I would have been upset if he had forced himself to be use a form, gender, and a name he was uncomfortable with just for my sake.

 

I asked if he wanted to do anything, but he said that he was too tired because he had stayed up most of the night to get his form and everything else in order. So, today is a break day for Sorrell.

 

I am actually really glad that he made this drastic change. Everything about him seems more stable somehow. I hear his voice more clearly and his personality seems more set in stone.

 

TL;DR: Emilio is now a male badger named Sorrell. He is more comfortable this way and I am glad that he felt safe enough to do this.

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1/28/15:

There honestly isn't much for me to write today, so for once I don't need a TL;DR section! Sorrell and I have just been having conversations during active forcing. While I do narrate to him throughout the day, the conversation is mostly one-sided and he will occasionally pipe up. During active forcing, since all my attention is on him, it is easier to hear what he has to say.

 

Currently, Sorrell says that he thinks the mindspace has been opened up enough and that no new places are needed. I asked him if this was about the weird floating head and he said it sorta was. Sorrell said he was scared about that head, but I told him that he had nothing to worry about. If anything pops up that hurts Sorrell, I shut it down instantly. Sorrell was still too nervous to go exploring, so we just stayed in the Den.

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