How do I let my non-vocal tulpa make changes to our poorly visualized wonderland?
#1
I started creating my tulpa about five weeks ago and haven't been able to communicate with her yet, just a few head pressures when I'm thinking about her and, very rarely, an emotional reaction. Visualization is not my strong suit--seeing with my mind's eye is sort of like seeing with my glasses off, everything is blurry and not very detailed. So whenever I'm visualizing my tulpa, or our wonderland, or anything, really, I have to concentrate really hard to keep all the details in place. If I don't, things might change color, or my tulpa's hair will flicker in and out, or details might disappear completely. In the past I always knew that this was just because my mind's eye is pretty weak, since it happens with everything, even before I knew what a tulpa was.

Now, though, my tulpa is developing and I'm not so sure anymore. People talk about knowing their tulpa is sentient after seeing them move on their own in the wonderland, or observing noticeable changes in the wonderland that they didn't do, or something like that. The idea of that happening is almost inconceivable to me right now, since almost everything I visualize feels like it's out of my control. I know it's fairly normal to have trouble with visualization, but I'm just worried that my tulpa will try to change her form or make changes to the wonderland, and I'll just think it's my mind being blurry again and change it back. I don't want my tulpa to feel like I'm not giving her control over her own form.
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#2
To be blunt with you, just like anyone that has difficulty with something in this, especially with visualization, you’re going to have to persevere with the shittiness for a while until you start making breakthroughs. It’s going to feel like you’re spending hours with no potential of seeing anything, which only adds on to the issue of being self-critical of your own competence in general. I’ve had similar struggles like you, though that was a few years ago, but for me personally, it was just constantly getting into the habit of changing my perception on developing competence in things like visualization. In other words, I just taught myself to be appreciative of what I did accomplish, and visualizing what it would be like to get better and better. It may be hard at first, because you’re probably yearning for breakthroughs to happen, but don’t gravitate so much on expectations to where you undermine your ability to progressively learn from your mistakes, and going through like anyone would do to gain competence in something; use expectations and imagining breakthroughs as motivation, but keep going.

Firstly, if you want to have better visualizations of your wonderland, especially from a non-vocal tulpa, you’re kind of stifling yourself, and masking the current incompetence at being better at this. It’s kind of like wishing things to come by unexpectedly, and magically having them reformat your mind for you without you having some effort put into this. And what’s even more ironic is that individuals like yourself seem to forget that if you’re intending to create someone to potentially be with you for the rest of your life, you’re wanting what you’re creating to create something for you (e.g. better competence at visualization). And if they’re not as developed as you state them to be, it’s kind of like asking an embryo to augment your cognition for you, forgive the cynical simile there.

Secondly, about your tulpa, their form, appearance, and what have you, contemplate on the stage you’re at now. You’re obviously wanting to contribute into developing their appearance, but also allowing them to make their own changes as well. Just because there’s a few flickers, or changes in their appearance, or seeing what you want portrayed in their existence doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Honestly, I would think it’s a natural thing, especially if you take into consideration of the possibility that this chaos with deviation is just an internal conflict between what you want, and what you think they want in general. You’ll just have to go through trial-and-error with them, and know it’s not the end of the world if one moment your tulpa’s a succubus, and then the next moment she’s a blonde chick with golden wings.

Maybe it could be that you’re just being aware of all the potentials you may want your tulpa to be, and it’s just something you’ll have to learn to get used to. Over time, things are going to get better, but some things to take into consideration is that these changes are transient, and you shouldn’t be afraid to use your ability to control your imagination. It’s your own brain, there’s no need to be so fearful of a few glitches, flickers, and other things you may think are flaws. Just let things sort out over time, rest assured that you’re not trying to make them constrained to only what you want, and progressively improve on finding ways to communicate to them better.

Because if you have trouble with verbal communication, damned if I knew the strife you’d have with non-verbal communication, and mental imagery of your tulpa. I still have moments where Eva and Ada constantly portray forms they like, and they always ask if I like it or not, almost as if they have their forms like women putting on shoes (hint hint, I'm not really militant about what they have to be in). It’s one of those things where you really have to get into deeper thinking, and maybe plan in the future of how your tulpa reacts to these things, especially your concern with wanting to acknowledge to them in the future that you want them to have a form that’s comfortable for them.

TL;DR: Try not undermine your competence to progressively improve your visualization skills, and don’t undermine your thoughtfulness of your tulpa in general. You’re not some soulless freak just because there’s a few hiccups with form. The changes you see in them through mental imagery could be for a myriad of factors, one that may be prevalent are entrenched predispositions and desires you would typically want to see in someone in general that you would be very close to. Let your mind sort things over, these things are transient, and will settle down after a while.

And even when that happens, especially when you can communicate to them better, they’re going to use their ability to change their form like a person changing their shirt if they want to. It’s just something where you get used to being comfortable with this, and don’t be afraid to ask them how they feel in those particular forms. Compromises must be made, maybe many over the course of your interaction with them, but they can’t be started if you’re fearful of what goes on in your own head. Who knows, maybe your tulpa is going to be aware of your current strife, and empathize, and help you realize that you don't have to make things as problematic as they seem to be for you.
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#3
Thanks, this helps a lot. I guess it was pretty silly of me to worry about my tulpa not being able to make changes to a wonderland I can barely see myself.
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